question.......
 

My XABF who is moving out tomorrow, is telling me that I played the "kick me out card" too much. I mean he is right, I attempted ultimatums, and failed miserably, because I loved him and thought he would change (like he would for a few months, until he got bored). Now I think he is trying to make me feel guilty that I am following though with him moving. I was planning on moving myself, was looking for apartments, but then after I found incriminating texts on his phone (which he denies that they mean anything, it is just a "really good friend"), and constant drinking and going to the bar, I changed my mind and told him that he needed to go.
Was I wrong to kick him out, since I am the one ultimately ending the relationship (although that is only due to years of unhappiness and his drinking)? Should I have moved? A mutual friend said that I am going to be seen as the bad guy, I should have moved.....

One word......manipulation!!! You grew a backbone and are taking control of your life so of course he's going to find fault in what you're doing. Stick to your guns. Don't let anyone sway your decision. Deep down you know this is for the best.

You finally saw things for what they were. Don't let him put you on a guilt trip. Life will make a lot more sense when you are away from the insanity.

I think you mentioned in another post that he would have had to move even if you did because your name is on the lease.

Flip this coin around. Were you the "good" guy for letting him live there all these years.

I hear you just realizing what is good and healthy for you....

If I depended on what my exA thought of me I would be even more nuts than I think I am.

I am trying to figure out if this is another manipulation, or if I went about this unfairly. Yes, he would have had to move anyways, or get his name on the lease and pay the deposit, which he does not have. It was funny, we were talking before he left for the bar (lol), and I was trying to explain to him that I love him, but we have two different lifestyles and views on how we want to live our life. I said "listen, you can live your life however you want, but I can't be your partner, specifically because of your drinking and partying." He actually said "why didn't you tell me this before "? OMG. I have written letters, talked to his mom and dad, my friends have talked to him, we went to couples therapy, I have yelled, I have cried, I have tried heart to hearts, I have read him articles on symptoms of alcohol abuse and dependence.
And I did tell him I was sorry I turned into a psycho crazy co-dependent mad woman, that I just didn't know what to do, he says "so you are saying I made you crazy." ha ha yep.

Sounds like a parent child relationship. If children want their own way and not get it, they will keep demanding an explanation even after you have explained it to them 5o different ways.

Sounds to me like you just did yourself the biggest favor!
If you were in front of me, I would pat you on the back for a job well-done...
Based on what you shared, it appears that he wasn't treating you right...
So, now you're the "bad guy" because you are no longer putting up with his nonsense???
Regardless of whether you did anything wrong or not, it has been my expereience that someone who is active in their addiction will typically blame the other person.

So, you issued some ultimatiums that you didn't follow through on...
You're not the first to do that, and you certainly won't be the last, either....
And, I'm sure you had the best of intentions when you did issue those threats to your boyfriend...
In other words, be gentle with yourself....

You're in recovery now, so as you are beginning to learn, if you present an ultimatum, be prepared to carry it out!

In my experience, it's not uncommon for those who were able to walk all over us beforehand to become a bit ruffled when we start setting higher standards for ourselves...

I wish you the best....
Things may seem tough for you now, but believe me when I tell you, they DO get better!

All the best,


Diva 76

How much money has he put into the place? Food money? Did he cook or clean? Who did his laundry? If you are the one doing all of this.....ouch!

You did the right thing as your name is on the lease. Let him go and move on!

Unfairly?
He's a drunk who's cheating on you.
In what universe (except his) is it unfair of you to kick him out?

Sorry if that's harsh. I've been there. I spent way too much time worrying about whether I had been fair to my AXH. Because maybe he was just really angry and didn't really mean it when he said he would kill us all?

You're a smart chica for getting him out of your life now. Chin up. Forget him.

It's funny how we question ourselves in these situations, I have done the same. It's almost like an "out of body experience", but maybe if we try and look at the situation like an outsider would someone with no emotional attachment we would no doubtedly see that YES we are making the right choice in walking away, we are not crazy, we do deserve so much more, we cannot allow these ABFs to manipulate us into thinking otherwise! WE ARE WORTHY.

The big question for me is what makes us believe we deserve less in the first place? Is it low self esteem, is it because of our experiences as children, what the heck is it!?? It feels so crazy to me and really turns me off of wanting another relationship ever again, just started reading Codependency No more so I am hoping it helps shed some light.

Right now I would rather be alone, hopefully I can work through this and be strong enough for a relationship one day and maybe just maybe I will meet a man that is worthy (with no addictions would be nice jeez).

This!!!

Good on you for having a spine and knowing how to use it. Don't worry about being perceived as the 'bad guy.' Alcoholics love bad guys as long as they aren't them.

Good for you for realizing there are better ways to live, I broke up 3 years ago, has been difficult but now my life is totally different, no more abuse, no more addicts, no more drama nor mind games. I am grateful every day for this. You are doing what is right for you and your sanity!! Keep on taking care of yourself.

See above.

Plus, I must say this 'mutual friend' is no friend of yours. Who in their right mind would think YOU are the bad guy in this scenario??

Omg.....truly my story! Drinking sick of it, found a nice little text, blew a gasket and moved him out. Still love him today and yesterday but the text sent me over the edge, if the drinking wasn't enough then women. It hurts and I miss him but same thing, stops drinking only to start again a few months later. I don't think your wrong but I struggle with it too. Who cares if you look bad, likely you've put up with too much already. They way i try to look at it....Boundaries are all I have left. I have tried love, support and those haven't worked. I love him enough to let him try to fix his self and pray it will allow me to work on myself.