AH hit D6
 

Okay the $hit is hitting the fan more than ever...

D6 told me last night when I put her to bed that AH hit her while he was with she and D4 for about an hour yesterday afternoon. She was acting odd at bed time and I sat with her for a bit and we read Ramona (she read, I listened) and she was acting very babyish emotionally and I KNEW something was up. Finally after I asked over and over if she was okay she pulled the covers over her head and said "Daddy hitted me". I pulled the covers back and asked her what had happened. She smiled (which I took as nervousness) and showed me that he had hit her not hard but hit nonetheless along the side of the head. I asked her in a variety of ways what was occuring when that happened and told her of course that it was NEVER okay that he hit her. She quickly pulled the covers back over herself and kicked at me and told me to get out and was angry at me. I stayed put. I pulled the covers back and said I was sorry she was hurt and that it wasn't okay for Daddy to hit her. She looked at me angrily and said "it was an accident" and then told me to stop yelling at her. I was not even CLOSE to yelling-- I was sympathizing.

I hugged her and told her I was so sorry again and she let on that she hadn't been listening and was misbehaving when the "accident" occured and I told her that no matter what Daddy should NEVER hit her.

Today at dinner she said to me "Mommy you shouldn't throw chairs at Daddy". I nearly fell off my chair bc this chair episode is one of the things that D6 evidently told her teacher about (except she told her teacher the truth which is that months ago AH took a chair and shoved it at me and caused my ankle to swell up a lot and the girls saw it all and called him on his behavior).

Anyway, just really really confused about how to navigate this. She was hit by AH, is scared to talk about it and instead is accusing me of things. It worries me on many many levels.

(((((wtbh))))) Poor little thing, I'm so sorry! I think telling your attorney and counseling for both your girls is an excellent idea.

I know your mind must be spinnig right now. Love on those beautiful girls and try to get some sleep tonight for yourself. Many hugs and prayers!

I have skills in this area and would be happy to join you.

wtbh, many hugs and prayers for you and your children.

i will pm each and every one of you my address (and his) and you are welcome to go kick his a$$.

i have a counselor for the girls (they were seeing one woman and she was great i thought but harsh kind of and D6 didn't like her so after a many month hiatus, i interviewed some new T's and found a great one). Before she can see D6 she has to meet AH and I. i met with her for a second time last night (ironically after D6 told me this and I shared it with the counselor) and she set up an appt with AH for monday so by next week D6 and D4 should be seeing her.

i already told the T that AH accused me and no doubt still does to the girls, of putting ideas in their heads and that he does none of the things they say... hopefully she is not convinced by his insanity bc the girls now are in a lot of danger-- more than ever-- and i feel like my hands are tied.

one thing i have learned FINALLY is that i will tell AH nothing. not one thing. too often in the past i assumed he'd give a $hit about the girls and how they were being impacted and all it did was turn into more of a horror. i didn't make a point to tell D6 i wouldn't tell AH bc i thought that would imply she was doing or telling me something wrong but i have no intention of saying a peep to him.

I don't have any experience being in your shoes.

I do as a six year old girl though.

She can't thank you right now, but I can on her behalf. Even when she is acting out and mad, and you are scared, she has some safety in this storm.

Hello-
I have been following your story. I am a recovering A get my lisence back in a year and a half. All I can think of is my first stop, running your husband over with my car!

Also, your strength is amazing!

I would talk to the lawyer. You might be able to get a team from CPS to interview the kids as part of the divorce-custody. A man who is abusive to an adult woman will have no boundaries with children either. This, I know from experience. Unfortunately, my kids are too scared to rat their father out.

Do not let him be alone with those children if you can help it.

She is just so confused & I'm scared and can't imagine how she feels bc she seems
so unsure of what to believe/say/feel etc... I like to think I'm safe to get but it sure seems as if AH must be putting ideas in her head to make her think otherwise & I'm seeing this headed down a road of me being accused of all the abusive behaviors of AH.

What I wouldn't give for my kids sake and mine to go back a year or two and leave AH back then before he was this evil.

For anyone reading this thinking "it's not that bad for me
yet" please get out now. I was certain my ah would never ever have hurt the girls or me and he has done both.

Oh, WTBH. I'm so, so sorry that you and your little one is going through the pain and confusion from this. I'm livid.

I broke down at work today and am glad that you all think I'm strong bc I feel like I'm standing on a crumbling cliff and trying to keep my balance as things collapse around me. Do I risk the parental alienation accusations and legal
action he might take if I refuse to hand over the girls ? In spite of how
he treats them, the girls, especially D4 ask for AH often. So they aren't refusing to
go.

Do kids typically want to go be w their A abusive parent? It makes no sense to me why the girls even want to see him. They come
back fighting, wound up and not happy yet they cling to him? It's disturbing

Can you go to the magistrate and get a temp emergency protective order, at least til this is all over and the kids have been in counseling awhile? Talk to your attorney. He/she may be able to point you in the right direction. I've been keeping up with your story and it just amazes me how wronged you were. Keep the faith, you're stronger than you know. Cry when you need to and don't make a move without your attorney's advise. (((Hugs)))

WTBH,
I am so sorry for D6, but, I also from my 6 year old heart say "thank you" for hanging tough. Geez, it has been a nightmare for you and these little darlings.
I would like to join the codie group going for a little uh, "talk" to your DH.
I have been trained too. He may come around to seeing things differently.

Yes, the girls will still want to see him, but they are so damn confused right now.
They love daddy, he says he loves them, but he scares them. He wants to see them, but he doesn't. He says you hit him with a chair when they saw him hit you with a chair.
Their brains do not understand that he is a no good abusive alcoholic liar.
He is daddy. Where is the daddy they love? He is confusing them by lying about you.
I don't think he should have one minute alone with those girls. He has NO idea of the damage he is doing to them.
I would like to give him a reminder of what hurt feels like.
Put the attorney on speed dial.
Bless you and your children. You celebrate Spring, renewal, new starts.
supervised visitation only.

:ghug3
for all of you,

Beth

I may be wrong and this might not be a good idea or an option. But at what point to you run? I mean F the court, rules, legal visitation, ect... and assume a new identity with the girls. He seems to be taking his anger out on you via your kids. Do you have any big male family members/friends that can scare this guy? Tragic family endings hardly ever happen out of the blue. The incidents usually keep getting worse and more insane. This seems to be happening with you. Get the FOID card and buy a gun that you were talking about. Your ex is really a dangerous, violent man that goes way beyond the typical alcoholic.

(wtbh)) count me in on joining in with the group to beat his ass. Im so sorry you and your precious daughters are going through this.



Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I was actually thinking when I read this that this is the reason women do what Justfor1 says. That the courts don't always protect us the way they need to.

But you have to put your trust in that. You have to. Because once you run, you will have to keep running. That's not a good option.

You know what? You ARE strong now because you have to. There WILL come a time when you can break down and cry for three weeks straight if you need to. But now is not that time. You are strong like a grizzly for your kids because you need to be. And we'll be here and prop you up on the sides when you stumble.

You can do this. And you have a good lawyer. It's scary as hell, but you can do it.

I am sorry WTBH :( I was really sad to read the title of this thread. I am keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and hope things can be more peaceful soon. Please, please take care of yourself, if I were you I would ask friends/neighbors to run errands and visit me/stay over if possible. God only knows what this sick man might be planning. I am worried about you :( Hugs and prayers. Tc999

You poor dear. Add me to the list of people who want to come and kick the living **** out of your a-hole ex husband.

The sad answer to your question is YES. As a former foster parent (and also someone who works with kids fresh into the foster system), I can tell you that kids will miss and long for the most abusive, evil parent you can imagine. It's part of the attachment mechanism all young kids have.

A great book for you to read (everyone, IMO, should read this book) is: "Becoming Attached: First Relationships & How They Shape our Capacity to Love" by Robert Karen. This will help you understand more.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's a good sign your daughter felt safe enough to reject you --- that's actually very healthy that she can do that. She can't with her dad, it's too risky, and she knows that. Hang in there sweetie.

(((((WTBH)))))

Boy he just keeps throwing crap.

I think it is past time for a 'beat down' by some hard azz alanoners. He has reached the point where it might be time to have some old bad azz 1%er chain totin bikers to pay him a visit.

He is so intent on 'putting a fear' in you, it is time he knows what real fear is. But while that is being thought about, please make sure your attorney has all this information. Probably best to type it all up in an email, marked URGENT, TYPED IN RED keeping a copy for yourself.

(((((WTBH))))) You are really handling this well. Yes, you are being very strong. Looks like you've added a few stainless steel Rods to stiffen your spine and have brought out the 'Old Mama Lion'!!! Good for you!!!

Yes, your girls are extremely confused right now and whether they realize it or not, they have become afraid of their father, because he is NOT the daddy they use to know. I do believe since you have found a new T for them, that this can be overcome. It is his loss. He really is a douchbag!!

Anyway, you know we are here for you.

It sure seems like it definitely is time for Dolly to get the Pink Hummer out of storage, load up the extra pairs of steel toed pink bunny slippers and lets go on a ROAD TRIP!!!!

Love and hugs,

You can do this. We believe in you and will help you brainstorm and research and rant and cry. You can do this.

((((wtbh)))) Come here and vent all you want. We'll support you while you support those beautiful girls!

The only experience I have with this is as a 6yo boy and can tell you if not dealt with it will come back when she's an adult.You sound like your doing all the right things.I dont know what makes an adult think that this behavior is exceptable. I feel for your precious six yo daughter I'm sure she is so confused. Keep up the good work mom it will make a difference

Might sound weird, but does your daughter like to play dolls or barbies? I know with young children, counselors, therapists, etc., will use that type of play to see what really happened. Maybe just sit down and play with her, and see what comes of it?

He is obviously putting these things into her head, and it is so scary and disturbing. This kind of acting out/personality change needs to be addressed asap. I am glad you were able to find a new therapist.

Maybe later today or this weekend she will be in a better state to talk to you about it. My daughter talks when its not so formal.........when we are playing or cooking or doing something other than just "sitting down to talk about it"

Good luck. This whole thing with your ex is making ME crazy! I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel right now.

Hugs.

When I was living with myxah, my children were 3 & 6, he was verbally abusive to them, then emotional abusive, my respond was "just ignore him, he is drunk", XAH help me raised my kids and I did not want my boys to grow up w/o a "father figure" so I stayed. What my kids learned was not to trust, not to feel and not to talk.
I justified every thing my X did by sying just ignore him, I was blessed my kids did not end up alkies or druggies but one is a codie and the other one just major social phobia and anxiety issues.
I had to learn to forgive myself and thanks to my HP and al-anon, we are all recovering, I realized my XAH is a very sick man, emotional unavailable. I know my oldest son still wants a relationship with his "dad" but my youngest does not, and that is okay with me, I am there to show my es&h, they know I love them and they know I will never stop loving them, and that I did the best I could with what I knew.
WTBH, best luck to you and your children, I feel your pain and I know you will do what is best for them and you.

I have begun to wonder just as justfor1 suggeted, at what point do I disappear??? I can't stop him from seeing the girls-- I have asked and asked and asked. The girls say they want to see him and I can't bear the thought of giving him ANY ammunition for the long run by playing into the "alienation" game he's surely hoping I will start.

I am sick, sicker than I have ever been over anything he's done to me, over all of this. I can't think clearly and just want to pack the girls up and run away.

I don't know how much worse he can get but I fear that the system will fail me and my kids will suffer bc of it. I've called Child Protectice Services and there's nothing they've done yet and this is call #3 to them.

And in all honesty, I think that there are few people who understand as we all do that kids reject the SAFE parent. I am so afraid that I will be viewed as the one harming them and I know in my heart AH is dying to make that happen... I don't give a $hit what others think of me but I do care about whether AH has any additional access to the girls bc they are unsafe with him.

It seems to me that the uncertainty, more than anything, is taking a toll on you. How soon till the divorce can be finalized and orders put in place?

L

I am sooo sorry you are in this situation. The safety of your children must come first. I suggest contacting social services for help. Good luck

Call a DV shelter and get advice. Then call your lawyer and find out what the probable and worst case consequences of running would mean. If you don't have a custody order in place, there is nothing mandating his rights to the children. It's a tricky game, play smart.

WTBH have you expressed all this to your lawyer?

I am sending you hugs and prayers. You are so very strong. Keep reaching out.