childrens emotions dealing with the AH
 

New here and obviously long story short. I go to a domestic violence group as well as my 10yo. 10 yo also sees school counselor. My adult children have cut off contact with the exah (one completley, the other has minimal contact every few months via phone or text) bc he harrasses them, stole things from them and verbally assualted me many times with a few incidents of physical also in their presence.

Our divorce is recent with PBT's before and after visitation. So what's an AH to do except quit drinking so they can pass the test or visitation is off. Last visit he pulls up and has a fullblown seizure in the driveway, appeared to stop breathing, very blue, very scary and my 10 yo witness to it as well. Taken by ambulance, refused treatment at hospital and actually called me to come pick him up, which I did not.

5 bottles of vodka found in his car; pint of vodka, visine, and PFT machine found in his pocket by EMT's.

I do attend AlAnon but right now the what we cant control and other slogans just aren't cutting it for my mental health. Have filed an emergency hearing to change to supervised visitation and am hopeful but at last court hearing, the record of police runs, his threat of suicide meant nothing wrt lessening visitation.

I put up boundaries but I am so disgusted with how his abuse still controls our family and need ideas/tips to deal with that. It affects all of us wrt job and school performance, feeling of safety, etc

Thanks

Dorothy, I do not have any experience with this particular type of situation, but welcome to SR. This sounds terribly difficult. Hugs to you.

once again the court and "justice" system does nothing to protect kids or abused ex spouses. so sorry and i can relate much too well to what you're going through.

Prayers for strength, and for help in your situation. dont give up on researching organizations, such as domestic violence , or board of mental health, i wish i could offer more .
my dad threatened to take a bottle of pills once, while very drunk, and it is with me to this day how petrified I was. my mother reassured me, bless her, by telling me there was only a few pills in the bottle. i was 11. i still have ptsd from living with alcoholism, and the violence that sometimes occurs. counselling would have been helpful, i am sure. glad your young son is talking about it with counsellors.

best wishes, be safe.
chicory

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us, and hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to listen and offer support, encouragement and advise if desired.

I have experience with ex-husbands and visitation.

It has been my experience that the ex will duck out of visitation given the chance to spend the day with an activity that involves alcohol. I no longer want to waste my time trying to teach an alcoholic how to be a responsible, sober parent - so I let him skip as many visits as he wishes. I never complain.

Is your ex actively planning his visitations or was he reminded it was his turn by someone?

If someone reminded him of his schedule, that is not helping him or your children.

I hope you find a favorable judge to grant supervised visitation incase your ex does keep up his attempts at visitation.

my ex passed out at xmas from withdrawal about half an hour after getting to a playcentre having drove dd and a friend there, she saw him and was so worried, had to call friends to get their kids and her and went to hosp with him. will never forget it, we don`t have any formal visitation stuff in place as yet so cant advise you there. am thinking of you and know how horrible it feels.
document everything you can and try to protect you and DD as much as possible, (((((hugs))))).

Big fat hugs, first of all. Because you sound like you need one.

I have a ten-year-old. My heart is breaking for yours. I don't know what s/he feels -- if s/he wants to spend time with her father or just does it because s/he's court ordered to? I know mine would, given the choice, not see him. Courts here don't care what kids want till they're 14.

You know what I do when I get to that place of almost desperation because AXH is still a big whopping millstone around my neck? I do the same thing I do when the kids are going through a phase of unbearably bratty behavior: I think "all I have to do is deal with RIGHT NOW."

Because to me at least, the problem is often that when I get that stressed and worn down, I tend to think "it will ALWAYS be this way. It will NEVER change. I will ALWAYS be dealing with this sh*t, and what kind of life is that???"

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that things change. Constantly. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But they change.

I try not to bring religion in here, but this is sort of a story that I think can be appreciated regardless of faith... there's a passage in the Bible that says, "Your word is a lamp unto my feet" and I never understood that... until I read about how, in ancient times, when the Israelites would be traveling at night, they would have walking staffs that on the bottom had a small oil lamp. Because when you're walking a path, you don't need light at eye-height; you need it at foot-height. And it doesn't need to light up the path 50 feet in front of you: It only has to shine enough that you can see where to put your next step down.

I think of that sometimes when I panic about the future. That I don't need to see that far ahead. I only need to see where to put my next foot down.