UGH, lawyers!
 

I need to vent. My AH is going to court finally for his DUI, the date is April 20th. We live in AZ and he will most likely do jail time, possibly with work release. He will also get an ignition interlock device.

I have been an emotional wreck for the past year of our marriage. He was extremely depressed last year and I had finally gotten to the point of being drug down to his level and was feeling hopeless about our marriage. He finally hit his bottom when it comes to the depression and got help, getting put on 2 anti-depressants. He was already drinking as self-medication but it wasn't out of control. Once the anti-depressants started he got out of control with the alcohol and would have dangerous binges. So, I'm sitting here getting over my anger and resentment regarding the DUI and the drinking and then he throws out the fact that the lawyer is giving him all kinds of 'suggestions' as to how to get around the interlock device(IID). All I have to say is; UGH!!!

His lawyer said he can just buy a beater car and put the IID in there, but that would mean that he would be driving his car without the IID. If his parole officer finds out or if he gets pulled over for ANYTHING, he could risk having his license revoked, having more time added to the IID, and possibly going back to jail. So, why would his lawyer make it sound like this is a viable option? And, why does he think I'd be OK with it? I will not support him circumventing the law! You'd think the lawyers would be honest to some degree. My AH also works in CA about once a month and needs to rent a car. The car rental company has his license on file so his lawyer told him he should be fine renting a car even with the IID restriction. Again, seriously? He was pulled over a few years ago in San Diego for not wearing a seat belt, don't we all think that something like that could happen again? One simple moving violation or even a minor fender bender(not even one he causes) can send him to more penalties, etc. This whole thing is driving me crazy.

He also made the point that I am will be married to an ex-con. He just has to be the victim and try to get me to think like he does. I hadn't even given that a thought but the way he says it, it sounds like I'm married to Manson. We've been trying to have conversations about our marriage but it just seems like we both walk on eggshells around each other. He said that he is trying sooooooo hard to change his personality so that he doesn't offend me with his sarcasm and cynicism, and I told him I'll work on being less sensitive to his remarks, comments, etc. I am still sitting on the fence about going to marriage counseling because this DUI thing is really dragging me down and it may not be very productive. He also said that if we went to counseling that I should be prepared to hear things that I don't want to hear? HUH? UGH, I just feel like I'm married to the master manipulator but I see glimmers of hope and he professes his commitment to our family and to remaining sober so for now, I will continue to work on me and work on our relationship.

No, he's not drinking. He says he's going to do whatever the judge and courts tell him to do, but the lawyer throws these carrots out there to make it seem like this is a good idea.

were you there when the lawyer suggested these uh "go arounds" to drive without the device?

No, this was over the phone. I heard my AH's talking but didn't know what the deal was until he told me later about the phone call. Why do you ask?

When you have one of those breathalyzers on your car, you have to take it in and have it calibrated each month and they read the machine at that time to see how you've done. If it doesn't add up, or if there is little to read, they are going to wonder how he's been getting around if he isn't driving that car regularly. There is no way a reputable attorney would advise a client to do something illegal. They could be disbarred. Something isn't ringing true here.

Have to agree with Anvil and Wicked. Sounds to me like he is planning on drinking and thinks he may need to drive after he has had a few.

My big question is what are you getting out of this? Maybe it's time you focused on you? Just a thought.

Your friend,

Because I wonder if the lawyer is just stupid, or your AH is telling you a set up.
I would not want an attorney whose idea of helping me is telling me how to break the law.
I would be getting the consequences, not the attorney.
Then, he does one of these stupid things and gets caught.
"But, honey, the lawyer said people get away with this all the time!"
"I had to drive to Kroger and pick up that cauliflower, and since I was there, yeah, I picked up some beer. so what? Its done everyday. That cop has it out for me, the attorney lied to me, the dog ate my homework. Why won't you support me?"

I guess I ask cause I got that feeling. This doesn't feel right.

Beth

I thought he wasn't talking to his lawyer but some clown he met who has to go to AA and doesn't want to be there, like maybe because of a dui, and is passing on some advice on how to get around the interlock device.

Your friend,

Hmm, well I don't know where he'd meet a person like that since he's not attending AA anyway. Remember, he's the one who is quitting drinking of his own accord and using his super will power and who is now turning to NA beer to satisfy his 'feeling' for a drink. He did have a buddy who got a DUI a few years ago and had the interlock but this guy used his own car and didn't circumvent the law.

He was on the phone with the lawyer, I checked the phone records. Yes, I know codependent but I was curious as to who really would tell someone this. Either this lawyer is an idiot, or my AH is full of shi*t and is making crap up to appease me, or maybe it's both!

Defense lawyers do this all the time. Whether it's ethical or not, the lawyer is getting paid a lot of money to lessen the consequences. He is not a social worker, therapist, judge or prosecuter. However, it does sound like your husband may be thinking about "having a few" and being able to drive. I wouldn't be mad at the attorney but mad at your husband.

(((((Liz)))))

Maybe it is time for you to start taking care of you and step back from this a bit.

Have you tried Alanon? or counseling? Have you read "Codependent No More"? What are you doing for you?

By doing one or more of the above, you will be able to start honestly looking at what you are or are not getting out of this marriage. Please remember when doing this that the situation as it now stands may be as good as it is ever going to get, and you will have to decide if this is what you want for YOUR LIFE.

We are walking with you in spirit, however, you are the one that has to do the work on you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Hi Laurie, yes I'm attending Al Anon, private counseling, and I have read Melody Beattie's books. I didn't ask him for all this information either, he just spit it out last night while we were talking about our marriage, in general. He is scared about the jail time and I mentioned the IID and that's when he said the lawyer told him that he could just buy a beater car and put the IID in that. He told me that I research stuff online too much and that I just need to trust the lawyer.
The only research I did online was to find out if we needed to get the IID on my car too. I was curious if I should remove him from the registration on my car so that we don't have to pay for 2 devices. Honestly, I really wish he wouldn't tell me anything about the DUI but to some degree, I need to know the basics.

I'm not sure how advising a client to buy a beater and install an IID in that car lessens the clients consequences. (As was posted by someone). Is it possible that your husband asked his Lawyer how he could get around it and told you that his Lawyer advised (or told him, or however it was worded. It would be bad enough to think about drinking again after facing possible jail time in the future, but to maybe consider drinking and driving again, leaves me with my jaw hanging on the floor.

Well your ah has a brain his head. No matter what the lawyer says he is free to use his own nogg'n. Take the lawyer out of the picture. Watch your ah. He is leaving little hints as to what kind of man he is all the time and eventually the picture will be crystal clear, one way or another. Just keep watching his actions and doing the next right thing to keep working towards creating a safe, secure, peaceful, pleasant, calm, dependable, centered life/home. That way you are good no matter what kind of story he writes for himself.

I agree with this. The more likely scenario is that your husband asked the lawyer questions like "what happens if I get a beater car and install the IID on that?" and the lawyer said "well then you will be driving any other car without the IID and if you get pulled over you will be in trouble."

At least that is what my boyfriend, who has a DWI charge (his trial is around the same date as your husband's), has been doing... trying to find ways around the IID -- I think it's natural and that most people who get DWIs have tried to find ways around it and asked their lawyer about it (and lawyers are there to answer the client's questions honestly -- there is nothing unethical or dishonest about that), but in all honestly he better not try to get around the law or he will likely get caught and increase his punishment big time. So even the fact that he is considering these options tells me that he (same as my boyfriend) isn't taking the punishment seriously and is scheming on how to get around it... there is nothing his lawyer can do to prevent that, it's all on him. His decision.

I agree with this too. My boyfriend asked the installer of the IID what will happen if he just lets the car sit and rides his bike or takes the bus everywhere. The guy told him that won't fly with the judge because it will be seen as him trying to get around the punishment. He has to at least drive the car some. No wmind you this guy gets paid money if my boyfriend fails the IID... even if it's chemicals or mouthwash (which he was told can set it off)... the guy gets money every single time, so obviously he has an incentive to tell him he has to drive the car sometimes. But anyway the point is still that my boyfriend, and your husband, are looking for or at least entertaining ways around their punishment, which to me shows they have not learned much. :-/ It doesn't do much good to blame the lawyer, or the installer of the IID (I'm rather annoyed that this is a money-making venture for companies) or anyone else because it is all up to them whether they choose to learn from the experience and change, or not.

Getting around it comes with risks. I can only think of one reason why he would even consider finding a work around.

" My AH is full of shi*t and is making crap up to appease me"....I'd vote for that conclusion.

Based on what I have read, my gut tells me that your hubby is not done a drink'in and a driv'in. I'd get him off my insurance toot sweet and start stashing money..red flags are waving right in front of your face..if you chose to ignore them...there will be a price to be paid.

Liz,
Yeah, you just don't worry your little head about this one bit. Just let us men figure out how I can drink and drive again. Just trust the lawyer like you trust me. Hand me another NA beer will ya?
Oh, and insurance problems if I kill someone? I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Your loving husband.

/sarcasm

Liz, my alcoholic father used to drink NA beer just to hide the smell of the booze he didn't want you to know he was drinking.

Your friend,

I haven't followed all your posts but is your husband an alcoholic only? Because if he uses drugs than he could start the car "higher than a kite" and that's dangerous driving as well. I knew an alcoholic who paid a shady mechanic to somehow "bypass" the machine. He ended up smashing into a light post. I guess my point is if someone is extremely determined they will find a way to drive messed up. You don't have control over if your husband will continue to drive intoxicated.

No, he's never used drugs not even pot in college or anything. He is taking antidepressants but I noticed that he stopped taking his Paxil about a week ago. Not sure what that's all about but he had mentioned that the paxil made his cravings for alcohol get worse. He said that on the Paxil, he couldn't stop drinking. Hmmm, I didn't bother to point out the times I found him plastered over the months before the paxil anyway. It wasn't worth arguing about.