justrae83

Do you find that coming on these forms helps you move on from your ex addict or helps you hold on longer and harder to get over them. I love coming on here and explaining all my heartbreak and what I am going through because I feel so incredibly alone and confused and hurt. BUT, I was talking to my mom about it and she told me maybe I should come to the forms because it keeps my ex fresh in my mind all the time and may not help me move forward.....yet they also help me knwo i am not crazy beucase, all these stories are the same and I am not alone.

In a sense, talking about the addict helps me feel close to my ex in some weird way…but I don’t quite know yet if it is helping me or making me just continue to think about it. There is no quick fix for a broken heart but, I am looking for any advice to help the process move along faster. I cant deal with this pain another day!

RedCandle

There's a saying, "You're mind is like a dangerous neighborhood...don't ever go there alone."

You and I are in the exact same boat...

If I'm not on here...I'm crying by myself at home.
Even when I get tough love on these boards...I walk away feeling stronger than I do when its just me and the Kleenex.
Reason I love Al Anon so much.

You're choice...but I would never trade hearing from people who have walked my path before (and found the light at the end of the tunnel)

MsPINKAcres

((rae))

For me, SR has been part of a lifesaving process. It has helped me to know I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!

The things that seemed "fishy" in my relationship with my now exah were not all in my head. I was not as my he said, being over sensative, blah, blah, blah, quack quack quack.

This site, gave me a voice to help me learn healthy boundaries, healthy compassion and healthy LOVE.

I used face to face meetings, a sponsor and recovery literature with this site to help me grow.

Somedays there are post that do trigger painful memories; but I choose to let those memories remind me of how far my recovery has brought me ~ how much better I am TODAY, what all I am doing to continue to get better and to never allow myself to be in such an unhealthy place again. . .

This is just my e, s, & h. . .

it's your life. . . YOU get to decide what is healthy for YOU

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Florence

What helps me on these forums is the emphasis on focusing on myself, not my RAH. How am I doing? What do I want? What are my limits? Another one is, How did I get here? Do I want to be here? Where do I want to go?

It also helps me to educate myself about alcoholism. It's not about me. His addiction is not a reflection of my imperfect love. It's not a moral failing on his part or mine. When he drinks, I expect nothing from him.

I learn all this by reflecting on myself and my history, by reading the stories of others, and my reflecting on the daily meditations. Change is hard -- it is almost always hard. But I see myself today vs. myself two years ago, and I know that the work I'm putting into myself is worth it. I don't know whether I'll be with RAH in two years time, but I know I'm setting myself up for success. That's a good thing for me, my kids, my life, my decision-making skills, my career, my goals, and my mental health.

nodaybut2day

You can choose to leave and come back as you need, which I have done many times since I first joined SR...sometime in 2009. My presence here ebbs and flows as time passes. What I find wonderful about SR is the "pay it forward" mentality; everyone here has been through some portion of your story at some point in their lives and they are happy to share their experience and give you strength and hope. Eventually, you find yourself doing the same thing for the next newbie that posts for the first time...

SearchSerenity

they help me know that I'm not alone

ODAT63

B4 I learned about this forum, I was about ready to go and "visit" my xah living next town, thanks to the ES&H in S/R I have not done that, lately; even last night, I have been dreaming about my xah, that we are together, I am not happy in my dreams but he was not drunk either, I am not sure why I dream about him but coming to this forum helps me understand me and my addiction to the addict.
I do not need to be reminded about him because I think about him ALL THE TIME and it has been 2 years almost since he left, just for the same reason he is not necessarily my qualifier because I qualify on my own.
I know my family doesn't get it, they are not in recovery, so I listen to them with love but I come to this forum, my sponsor and al anon for the real support I need.

mayalewiston

Had I not found this forum a couple of months ago, in no way do I think I would be where I am today. Once I started reading the posts, I realized "Wow, I'm not crazy!" and that is what gave me the courage to stick to my own boundaries for the first time (after many many false ultimatums). I really credit SR and everyone here for giving me the knowledge to leave the situation I was in with STBXAH and work towards a life of happiness and fulfillment. I had gotten so wrapped up in the crazy world that I was living in, that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Seeing what everyone else was/had gone through, which was quite similar, really made me take a hard look at my own life. I would think "wow, I can't believe he/she has put up with that, he/she deserves so much better, etc".. and would then realize I was in the same situation.

My advice would be to focus on all of the advice that everyone here has given you over the past month. Go back and re-read every single post you have written (which should remind you why you lucky to be free of him) and take in all of the comments written by everyone. Also, when I find someone I really relate to via something they posted on my thread, etc... I like to go back and read their journey through SR, and you can see that we have all had a difficult journey

One last thing... I know i have told you this before, but you are SO young. You now have the option to have an amazing life and family with someone who will respect you...just not pretend to! Not to be harsh, but he WASN'T the most kind hearted person in the world that you romanticize him to be. Kind hearted people don't lie, manipulate, deceive, etc.. and they surely don't rub things in other people's faces to try to hurt them. He is not capable of being that person... YOU ARE and you deserve to surround yourself with people that are as well. Consider yourself lucky that you are getting out now. For me, I had to tell myself one night before I went to bed after a miserable week in my new apartment that "tomorrow I AM going to start over" and day by day, I have been trying to do just that... the mind has amazing power if you allow yourself to start to heal.

Hugs... XOXO

LoneStar2x

It's like anything else on the internet. Once you weed through the B.S. you'll find greener pastures. It's nice to hear/get advice from others, but you use it as it applies to your specific situation.

I'm new here, and while not an addict (except music) I've been surrounded by it my entire life. There are many folks on this site with good, common sense advice.

Addiction is very hard to deal with. We are either drawn into because we love someone, or because someone hates themselves.

m1k3

What I got out of these forums:

A place to vent and let go of feelings I had bottled up for years.

People who understood what I was talking about and didn't look at me like I was crazy.

Wisdom, strength and compassion.

A place where I could post feelings and ideas and get feedback from people who were going through the same thing.

A place where people would call me on my BS because they KNEW it was BS.

A whole lot of new friends whose opinions I respect. I may not always agree with them but I know they are speaking from their heart and experience.

Honesty. Something I hadn't heard in years, people speaking their honest opinions without trying to manipulate the outcome.

Choices, I learned here that I had choices.

I found myself in these forums. That I was whole and complete and worthy of my own self respect and love.

I found a community, a fellowship of survivors helping each other out of some truly horrible places. People who like me had walked through hell, for years, and came out the other side. People who were willing to help those left behind to escape as well.

I found a home.

Your friend,

nodaybut2day

Amen.

To put it simply, this forum gave me balls. Well, er, ovaries.

LuvMySis

JustRae, your mom is trying to protect you, and she wants all of your troubles to go away, the sooner the better. It hurts her to see you hurting, and she wants to help. That's how I am with my young adult daughter, too. Take the time that you need, and visit and post here as often as you feel like. This forum has been a lifesaver for me.

AlcoholicLove

The only people that can TRULY understand what you are going are the ones that have already been there......

bskeys1404

I use to hang onto relationships and they were all bad so it didn'r matter which one it was but I would hang onto itjust cause i didn't wanna be alone. I didn't feel worthy of being loved bt people at all especially in a relationship. so I would do whatever I could do to make sure it would at least make it harder for her leaving. I would ask them to marry me. I mean whatever it took cause I knew if I lost that person I would never find someone as pretty as loving or caring. After I got sober the greatest thing happened after about a year . No relationships of any kind. I was dead serious on saving my life. I didn't even prefer to go out where there were a lot of women around for awhile. I thought they looked at me like I was a goober or something. But the biggest thing I found out was that I didn't need people anymore to make me happy. I quit putting those expectations on people to make sure I had a good time. But when I did start dating and i founfd myself in a bad relationship i looked at it from every angleand if it wasn't going to work then I wasn't going to stay in it. No longer did I need or would I allow people to be the reason i was happy.I got into a good relationship. Lasted about a year and then we found ourselves fighting everyday and I sat down with her and said I love you but I'm not happy when I'm with you I'm not happy ever. I believe I've tried everything I can to make this work and if you think I can do something better than let me know. And of course when it came up that I had 30 things I needed to work on and she had none it was time to go. I have a wonderful wife nowof almost 2 years. She means the world to me and I knew I'd marry her from the minute we met. We communicate very well and aren't afraid to take criticiscm. When either of us is wrong we might not talk for a few minutes but then we do because we hate being mad at each other. In my opinion and it's only my opinion which doesnn't mean crap but if it's a past relationship and there's no chance of a starting over then why even bring it up? I'm always so excited about tomorrow and the possibilities it holds. Life is made to live everyday. I've spent to many worrying about the ones in the past. God knows I learned from those days and the person i was but by no means does it define who I am today. You might think we look the same but one will punch you and the other will love you. Best Wishes!!

keepfinding2

Pretty sure they don't help or hurt. It's just stories.

dollydo

I came here for HELP, someone tell me how to break away from my addicted, abusive bf. Others come here to just vent, others to hear themselves talk, some for hugs and support, with no intention of doing a thing to change their enviorment...it is all a matter of choice.

IMHO, even if you never ever read another post here, you would not stop obsessing about him, your mind with him is a continous loop, that requires professional help.

With the help of this board and meetings I tossed his sorry azz out..within a week or two I was done with the entire relationship, I had developed the tools to go no contact and bid him a farwell...forever...Thank you Sober Recovery!

ichabod

I stayed with my RAH. SR reminds me that I'm not alone and gives me tremendous insight concerning my DH. I don't agree with everything I read and some of the more militant attitudes, but I find that most here are wise and compassionate. I think coming here is very important to my recovery because there are still days when the old issues floor me and I need sage advice.

Marytherboo

This forum has been like a magnifying mirror for me, an invaluable tool in learning who *I* am, separate from the A whose life I was unhealthily trying to manage and control so that I could feel powerful. You can look at my journey here over the last few months and see in my own words how the support here has helped me change my whole way of living. Now I recognize that the seeds of my unhappiness with my A were there all along, and that the nightmare of our lives together was what finally awakened me to the possibilities of health and happiness for myself. This forum has taught me to be strong and to be grateful.

LifeRecovery

I have found that just for myself the behaviors that allowed me to ignore red flags, not know how to set boundaries and to stay because I did not think I had a "choice," were in place LONG before the relationship that got me here.

It is amazing to me as I work this part of my recovery how many more people with addictive behavior I have in my life.

The only way I was going to heal was to go through it. SR, Al-anon, counseling, feeling etc have helped me to get out of my head and to get into recovery. As long as I noticed progress (even of the two steps forward, one step back) I decided it was good for me...even when it was hard.

So hopefully with my new skills I can help make better relationship choices down the road.

justrae83

Thank you all. Yes I know the answer to this... It is my addiction to the addict that keeps peeking it's head out. I made an emergency Appt. With my therapist tonight to talk because I am not dealing with this very well and a co dependency meeting for Friday through celebrate recovery. I hope that getting the help I need will rid me of this mess.