What to say to ABF
 

I met my boyfriend just over a year ago. I was 2 years sober at the time and relapsed after a few months. I've come to the realisation that I can't stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic and told him that I needed some time apart to think things through.

We are meeting on Friday and I need to find the words to tell him that unless he goes back to recovery (he was sober 7 years then left AA and relapsed) there is no chance of a future for us. I'm not sure that there will be a future even if he does get sober. I need to focus on myself and my own recovery.

In my heart, I don't think he will get sober again. I think he will drink himself to death and maybe even commit suicide eventually.

I need to find words that aren't blaming or shaming but are clear about how I am feeling and what I need from him.

Any ideas?

I would simply focus on using the word "I", as in "I need some distance", and "I want to focus on myself".

TigerLilli,

If he were in true recovery for 7 years (meeting attendance and sobriety are only a part of this equation) then he should have some understanding of the importance of you creating your own boundaries for your recovery.

I qualify "some understanding" because the alcoholic voice and presence has now infected his reasoning abilities and as I do not know him personally or his alcoholic history and what he truly understood at his "best and highest self".

Whatever you do or say it will be distorted by the alcoholic reasoning and selfishness so don't waste mentai energy and space in your brain thinking you can somehow say it just the right way to have a breakthrough or soften the blow.

Just tell the truth... unvarnished and hopefully without breaking down in tears... there is great power in the truth and so often we DON"T because we are so concerned about the blacklash of manipulation, anger and punishment for facing the alcoholic with the truth.

I began to completely focus on what I needed and did not address the A's behaviors and choices except to continually give him the space to make his own decisions about his future.

The best way I found was to simply announce that my boundaries were 100% not negotiable ALCOHOL FREE... period. That I would not tolerate another nanosecond of alcohol use, abuse, nonsense, quacking, bs, insanity, excuses, lies etc, etc, etc... ad nauseum.

Then I acted on it... every time the same exact way. Whatever it took to insure that my life was alcohol free.

It worked... the A decided to get away from me... I no longer was the wet noodle chasing him around with a fire extinquisher, a dust pan, a box of huggies and a crying towel.

I don't take his calls but I do listen to his vms just to reinforce my resolve... they are quacking classics.

Hope that helps ... take care of you ... hope you are attending some alanon meetings and making sure you have a good support network!

You are doing the right thing, focusing on yourself, changing your ways - there is nothing in the world that can get an alcoholic to stop drinking. that is exactly what happened to my husband, he drank himself to death, it took a decade of hell on this earth, don't waste your time and your life on someone that has a death wish, move on, you don't have to meet him do you? I hope you don't slip up, remember your own sobriety and how precious it is..I'm a recovering alcoholic and my RAH was sober for 10 years and relapsed and never got sober on his own again...there was jail, institutions and finally the grave. you have to stick to your plan and get help for you. you can change you - you cannot change that person. I'm really praying for you to make it thru. peace m

I am fond of nodays's response., " stick to I statements".

You already found the words! Keep it short and to the point! Stay strong!

Be direct, say what you mean and mean what you say...he is a big boy...no reason to sugarcoat anything.

Thanks everyone. All your comments are a big help.

Finally saw him today and just basically said I can't be your girlfriend while I am trying to get my sobriety back, I don't have the emotional energy available and can't be around you while you're drinking. He asked if we could still be friends and do things that don't involve drinking. I said ok we'll see how it goes.