Windblown

Awhile back I told you of my 18 year old AS. He only came to live with us the end of his 11th grade and 12th grade. He had previously been living with his bio Dad. I'm bio Mom and I have been married to same husband now for 8 years. Anyway, my AS did not try at school. I ran around getting him extra after school credits where he did the work at home. This went on for months. We got his a motorcycle. He did not graduate with class...but he did graduate. I actually know in my heart he never would have a diploma without my pushing. I helped him get a job. He started hanging around with gang types. He stole my husband's truck and hit a parked car and did $2500.00 worth of damage. He didn't tell us. He sid he didn't remember. The people came after us and we had to pay them off. My son never paid us back. He started dealing drugs. He started getting really messed up. We took him to a nice 5 day detox...our insurance does not cover rehab. He seemed to get better for a month. Then he started snorting bath salts with a stripper. He would not come home for days on end. Sometimes he would bring scary looking people over to the house at 6am.He started college and his grand dad got him a car. He disobeyed the curfew which was 1 or 2 am. He never told us where he was. He pretended to dress for work but his car wasn't there. He was attending community college but I had a gut feeling he wasn't going. I looked in his car and saw a shot gun and cocaine scales...freaked out...called my husband who called the police interventionists. He was high on coke and zanax and heroin...I don't even know. We took him to the hospital, then to another detox. The night he got out we told him the new rules...no car, no cell phone. He said he wanted to leave. The cell phone was jam packed with dealers and buyers. I begged him not to go but the car was in his name. We got an alarm installed. We were afraid of the dealers. He lasted a month and a half. We got a call from jail. He was arrested for stealing camping gear and food with another friend from Walmart. I was told again bybthe professionals not to bail him out. He had a 15 day sentence. Many counsellors, Naranon people and Alanon people told me not to bail him out. I listened. We went to visit him and he showed us two stab wounds with 37 staples he had gotten before he went to jail. I cried. He asked to come home. I told him, no, he had to get clean first. My husband told me if I let him back in the house, he would move out. I gave my son a list of places to go. Everyone told me to do this but in my heart it did not feel right. The jail let him out the next day to get the staples out. He was supposed to return to finish his sentence. Instead of doing that, he hopped a bus to Georgia, back to his abusive addict father he ran away from year and a half ago and won't talk to me. His father called up three weeks ago blaming me for everything. My son is lying aout what happened. We did not kick him out...he chose to leave the house so he could have the car and the phone.

I briefly told this story to a girl tonight...I did not give details and she said I should have held onto my son and told my husband to leave. She said not to listen to other people's suggestions to go with my head. But everything was so crazy back then...I went with what people suggested that knew about addiction and they all said not to try and save him...that he had to hit bottom. But now I have lost that relationship. So tough love cost me my son.

But then again, whoever stabbed him might have come to our house and hurt us. They knew where we lived. My son also didn't want to get better...he denied the drug problem...he was also dealing....80 text messages while in detox...i read them all. But I have huge guilt now. This i talked tonight girl is a bit wierd like me but I barely know her...but that hurt. Is she right? Did I make a mistake? How can she make such a quick judgement without knowing all the details...and why did I even blurt all that out to her? Also, she didn't know what 'enabling' meant and does not go to Alanon.

Should I have bailed him out? Should I have agreed to let him come home? Btw...he was already headed to GA from jail....he had plans...we think he was running from somebody...but he won't tell us and we'll probably never know.

Why doesn't he return my texts? Is he ok? Do you ever just lose a child forever? I was a great Mom while he was here. I did my best. Maybe I overdid to make up for lost years. I wish he had made different and better choices but he was damaged when he got here. He made his choices. He put our lives in danger...but should I have been more strong and told my husband...no...I'm giving him another chance? To be honest with you...even his leaving has been so horrific on my husband and me and all the chaos ensued is causing marital problems and my AS has been gone 4 months. I have let go a lot...until something like a two minute conversation with someone I barely know gives me the grief and the guilts.

Is tough love really the right way to go....or should I have ignored all the warnings and suggestions of those who had gone before. Will my son hate me forever...does he hate me now. Is he ok? Is he eating? I can't even discuss this with my husband anymore...he is sick of it and is trying to get clean himself. I just wish one day I could have peace in the family. Addiction has severed it in half.

Sorry to write so much.

laurie6781

No 'tough love' did not lose your son, addiction has taken your son away for a while.

He will find recovery when he is ready and when his bio dad gets mad at having to 'help' the son thus taking $$$$$$ away from his own drug money.

More important, what are you doing for you???? Are you going to Alanon and/or Naranon???


What about your other concern that you had about yourself in using some alcohol to numb yourself??? Are you looking into that also?

As to that girl that said "not to listen to other people's suggestions to go with my head."

Does she know anything about addiction? Is she and addiction counselor? Over the years I have found many kind and caring people that have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE on how to deal with a person in active addiction.

Just because your son is not living with you at the moment does not mean the 'problem' has gone away. Until you get some help for yourself, be it Alanon, Naranon or private counseling to work on you, you will continue to second guess yourself.

Please get some much needed help for you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

chicory

Windblown,

this girl knows nothing about the power of drugs, obviously. If we could love them clean, most everyone here would not need this site.

you tried the things she says you should have done, and they did not work. until your son stops listening to the call of drugs, he wont listen to anything or anyone else.

from your story, i feel he has needed serious help, since before he came to live with you. He may be trying to ease his mental problems with the drugs. until his life becomes miserable enough, he wont want to change. giving him things only gives him more opportunity to use, it appears.

get yourself some counselling. that is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your son. trying to fix him will only make you sick. and if you get stronger, you will see more clearly. dont let your xh tell you that you caused this, as your son made his choices his self. perhaps your xh can encourage him to see a doctor? or psychologist. giving him anything that makes his using easier will only hurt him more.

prayers for you and your son, that healing comes soon for both of you. you can only fix you.
hugs
chicory

Windblown

My xh is an addict and abusive. That is why my son left...but he broought the party with him. My husband and I had been sober almost three years and relapsed. I am not blaming son on that. We did that. But we are both sober now and I am in A.A. and Alanon. This girl has never been to Alanon. She doesn't know. I just should be more careful who I open myself up to. I did the best I could with son. He isn't capable of telling his Father the truth. I have been no contact with xah for years becuse he is so abusive to me. His call was just a ration of hate out of the blue because he read text message I sent to my son. He should never have called me. I never need to talk to him again.Thanks for the support. It just hit me wrong when that girl said that. She also said she and her dead Mother had been like one soul inhabiting two bodies and that her Mother was dead but she still was with her everyday and she was so glad she hadn't left. . I asked if she was a ghost. The girl said ...it was
personal...whatever!

Anyway, I just need to remember to flow like a stream around the rocks in the river...the obstacles in life. That girl does not know about addiction and actually sounds pretty codependent with Mother...even in death. She doesn't know me or my situation fully and I should be careful who I just blab stuff too...some in A.A. are sicker than others.

Thank you guys so much. Going to read my Courage to Change now.
support.

dbh

I never really liked the term "tough love". For me, it sometimes feels like just another way to try to get the addict to quit. It's another attempt at control. Which I think is impossible.

With my father, I had to "detach with love". Realizing that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. It was the process of letting my dad and his higher power be in control of his life. Giving him his dignity back and letting him make his own choices and accept the consequences of his actions.

The way that I evaluated whether detaching with love "worked" was by getting my own life back, being able to sleep at night, and being okay even though my father never stopped drinking.

I can only imagine your pain. As a mother, my heart hurts for you.

In my humble opinion, your actions are improving your son's chances of recovery.

Saying a prayer for both of you.

Hugs,

db