New world, new rules...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
New world, new rules...
AH is quacking (in letters, no phone calls from rehab yet) about how all he wants is to rebuild our relationship. Here's where he'll have to be *before* I agree to try again:
...sober and working a serious recovery program for at least a year after leaving treatment, whether outpatient or residential.
...working full time and financially self-sufficient.
...discussing his feelings, wants and needs openly and honestly
...taking full responsibility for his life without denial or blame-shifting.
...treating me with affection, respect and consideration even when we don't agree.
...participating in a healthy, platonic friendship without attempting to manipulate or take advantage of me in any way.
In the highly unlikely event that he meets my criteria, he will also have to accept that there is no guarantee that we will ever again share a roof or finances, or that I will ever be willing to risk sharing my life with him at the same level that I did before.
I'll be busy working on building myself back into the kind of person that can meet the above criteria too...so that I don't doom myself to repeating the whole story again.
What other suggestions do you all have? I may never discuss the above directly with AH, but I do want to get my own head straight about this so that I can hold the line against quacking if necessary.
...sober and working a serious recovery program for at least a year after leaving treatment, whether outpatient or residential.
...working full time and financially self-sufficient.
...discussing his feelings, wants and needs openly and honestly
...taking full responsibility for his life without denial or blame-shifting.
...treating me with affection, respect and consideration even when we don't agree.
...participating in a healthy, platonic friendship without attempting to manipulate or take advantage of me in any way.
In the highly unlikely event that he meets my criteria, he will also have to accept that there is no guarantee that we will ever again share a roof or finances, or that I will ever be willing to risk sharing my life with him at the same level that I did before.
I'll be busy working on building myself back into the kind of person that can meet the above criteria too...so that I don't doom myself to repeating the whole story again.
What other suggestions do you all have? I may never discuss the above directly with AH, but I do want to get my own head straight about this so that I can hold the line against quacking if necessary.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Mary,
I've never rebuilt a relationship with an addict who found recovery, so I have no ES&H to offer about that.
But because of my past, like you I too think about what makes relationships healthy and safe. And I try to avoid being too rigid in my thinking, because every person on this earth has a shadow, that shadow never goes away, and the place where our shadows spring forth more than any other is in intimate relationship. This is true for all relationships, regardless of whether addiction and codependency is involved. Our partner's shadow and our own shadow will always be part of the package.
I agree to the one-year minimum, and would add that some experts think the first three years of sobriety are actually a very fragile time. When the long period of physical withdrawal is accomplished, then the addict will have to experience the feelings he has been avoiding for years. He will have significant psychological work to do. Inner work. And that is a solo job. If he has a partner, she will need to have her own program of recovery, her own healthy life, and she will have to accept that the intimacy she has longed for may still be delayed while both she and the addict get well.
I think we all have a responsibility to ourselves to expect decent treatment from anyone in our personal lives.
But the openness, the honest sharing, the balance of power, the ability to fight fairly, the willingness to own our own issues, and the challenge of acting like a grown-up.....this will be a life-long endeavor, I think.
We can't learn about relationship without really being in one and doing that trench work. I am not presently in a relationship, exabf and I are no-contact, so all my relationship work is in my head, just as yours is. And I'm very good at relationship on paper.
But to actually sink in with someone and do the work of seeing the person without illusions and false expectations, and learning to deal with disappointment, and finding a way to let go the body armor in order to trust....I think it will be for me--if the opportunity comes--the greatest challenge I have ever faced. It will be like childbirth, I think. Worth it. And painful.
Mary, I think you are doing great. So much has changed for you since you first posted at SR. Thanks for being a part of us!
I've never rebuilt a relationship with an addict who found recovery, so I have no ES&H to offer about that.
But because of my past, like you I too think about what makes relationships healthy and safe. And I try to avoid being too rigid in my thinking, because every person on this earth has a shadow, that shadow never goes away, and the place where our shadows spring forth more than any other is in intimate relationship. This is true for all relationships, regardless of whether addiction and codependency is involved. Our partner's shadow and our own shadow will always be part of the package.
I agree to the one-year minimum, and would add that some experts think the first three years of sobriety are actually a very fragile time. When the long period of physical withdrawal is accomplished, then the addict will have to experience the feelings he has been avoiding for years. He will have significant psychological work to do. Inner work. And that is a solo job. If he has a partner, she will need to have her own program of recovery, her own healthy life, and she will have to accept that the intimacy she has longed for may still be delayed while both she and the addict get well.
I think we all have a responsibility to ourselves to expect decent treatment from anyone in our personal lives.
But the openness, the honest sharing, the balance of power, the ability to fight fairly, the willingness to own our own issues, and the challenge of acting like a grown-up.....this will be a life-long endeavor, I think.
We can't learn about relationship without really being in one and doing that trench work. I am not presently in a relationship, exabf and I are no-contact, so all my relationship work is in my head, just as yours is. And I'm very good at relationship on paper.
But to actually sink in with someone and do the work of seeing the person without illusions and false expectations, and learning to deal with disappointment, and finding a way to let go the body armor in order to trust....I think it will be for me--if the opportunity comes--the greatest challenge I have ever faced. It will be like childbirth, I think. Worth it. And painful.
Mary, I think you are doing great. So much has changed for you since you first posted at SR. Thanks for being a part of us!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Hi Mary,
I agree with everything that English Garden has said. I also think if you just take everything one day at a time, that will make things easier.
Let a year (or three) go by and meet those criteria before you even allow yourself to think about what else it would take. You even mentioned that it will be highly unlikely that he will meet them... As hard as it is, I wouldn't even think about what else it would take at this point... who knows how you will feel in a year? You are working on yourself and will likely have different criteria once the time comes...
I know everyone says this here and sometimes it's not what you want to hear, but spend time focusing on YOU over the next few months and the answers will come to you... In the meantime, don't stress yourself out over everything that needs to happen... just try to enjoy each day in your life without allowing what AH may or may not due to weigh into that. (easier said than done, I totally know.. I just put up on own post on allowing my AH to get to me!)
Hugs. XOXO
I agree with everything that English Garden has said. I also think if you just take everything one day at a time, that will make things easier.
Let a year (or three) go by and meet those criteria before you even allow yourself to think about what else it would take. You even mentioned that it will be highly unlikely that he will meet them... As hard as it is, I wouldn't even think about what else it would take at this point... who knows how you will feel in a year? You are working on yourself and will likely have different criteria once the time comes...
I know everyone says this here and sometimes it's not what you want to hear, but spend time focusing on YOU over the next few months and the answers will come to you... In the meantime, don't stress yourself out over everything that needs to happen... just try to enjoy each day in your life without allowing what AH may or may not due to weigh into that. (easier said than done, I totally know.. I just put up on own post on allowing my AH to get to me!)
Hugs. XOXO
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
Yes, before his disease had progressed so far, but that's a long time ago now. During the attempts at sobriety in the last year or so, when he went to two AA meetings every day we would reconnect at that level, but only briefly. There was a time when we had something really good. But whether it survived or will ever be seen again is anyone's guess. And I know the odds aren't good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
But because of my past, like you I too think about what makes relationships healthy and safe. And I try to avoid being too rigid in my thinking, because every person on this earth has a shadow, that shadow never goes away, and the place where our shadows spring forth more than any other is in intimate relationship. This is true for all relationships, regardless of whether addiction and codependency is involved. Our partner's shadow and our own shadow will always be part of the package.
) and I think I have made a lot of progress.So, I guess I need a relationship forum for this conversation.
I am not sure how to move the "friendship" we have beyond that point, you know into some future plans. More thinking on this I think.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
mary-
do you not feel that entertaining getting back together with your RAH one year or three years from now will hold you back from living your own life? why continue waiting more years? is it because you feel to offer him a lifeline? you feel sorry for him? you don't have to answer here but it might be helpful to understand your motivation.
with my addict, i must admit that a large part of my motivation to help him was pity. i felt sorry for him in his wretched state.
but why not choose someone who is already emotionally healthy, should you want companionship? why tie your cart to that horse again? statistically, we both understand the odds. do you feel that without your support or promise of a future relationship, he won't get healthy?
all that aside, to assist you with your list, i would add weekly couples counseling.
do you not feel that entertaining getting back together with your RAH one year or three years from now will hold you back from living your own life? why continue waiting more years? is it because you feel to offer him a lifeline? you feel sorry for him? you don't have to answer here but it might be helpful to understand your motivation.
with my addict, i must admit that a large part of my motivation to help him was pity. i felt sorry for him in his wretched state.
but why not choose someone who is already emotionally healthy, should you want companionship? why tie your cart to that horse again? statistically, we both understand the odds. do you feel that without your support or promise of a future relationship, he won't get healthy?
all that aside, to assist you with your list, i would add weekly couples counseling.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I think it's a perfectly fine list, Mary. It leaves you free to lead your own life as you see fit until such time as you are willing to perhaps reconsider spending time with him as a romantic partner again.
And.....if it doesn't work out, it's a great list of qualities to look for in someone new.
And.....if it doesn't work out, it's a great list of qualities to look for in someone new.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
I applaud you for putting down the ground rules, after all it is your life. You shouldn't have to bend in order to accomodate his issues. Be prepared, if you truly want this to happen, it will not be overnight.
In fact it may take years. So if you really want him, be ready to go to the ropes and back. First thing you have to realize is to be honest with yourself. Put down the rules, give he some time, but stick by them.
In fact it may take years. So if you really want him, be ready to go to the ropes and back. First thing you have to realize is to be honest with yourself. Put down the rules, give he some time, but stick by them.
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