Terrified in my own home for the first time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Terrified in my own home for the first time
Last night was the first time I felt truly scared and threatened in my own home.
AH was at a work night out last night. I tend to lock my door when he’s on a night out, not because I feel threatened but he would sometimes come in annoying me, telling me he loves me, blah blah blah. At about 2.30am there was screaming, and roaring at my bedroom door, him trying to break down the door, screaming that he’ll f****** kill me, and f****** kill B**** (his sister’s husband). He was completely hysterical and out of control. I was absolutely petrified. I couldn’t tell what he was saying for a long time, as it was just a jumble of words. I really thought he was going to come through the door, and I really, really don’t know what I’d have done as I would have been trapped in my bedroom. After a while I began to piece together what was wrong. He claims that a so-called friend that he shared a taxi home with told him that he has heard that I am having an affair with AH’s sister’s husband
. Seriously, what the hell? There are two possibilities here. Firstly (more likely), AH dreamed/made up/hallucinated the whole thing (maybe fell asleep in taxi or something), and that he is just covering up for this. Or, secondly, that his so-called friend did indeed tell him this complete and utter BS. My God, I barely have energy to get myself through the day without doing something like that, never mind the fact that I am not that kind of person, regardless of how much AH has abused me.
I have put up with a lot over 5 years of “marriage” but I have never felt so scared before. It is a new low. I have been feeling very confused lately about why I actually stay in the house. I have no relationship with my AH, we are like tenants living under the same roof. I’m pretty sure I have zero love left for him, and possibly would have even less love for him if he gave up the drink/pills. I am in the middle of the countryside, surrounded by his family, so I have no intention of staying here and making him be the one to leave. His family are a nightmare and I would be plagued so it just wouldn’t be worth it. One question I see frequently on here is “What are you getting out of this relationship?”. The answer is stress, worry, fear, isolation, unhappiness, anger. I get nothing good out of it, EVER.
I still feel shell-shocked this morning. The shouting/raging/hysterics went on, on and off, until about 5am this morning. Even when he went to his own room I could hear him shouting and roaring and threatening. I know this needs to be the one and only time he threatens my life, that I cannot allow this to happen again, as who knows how much further it would go. Should I contact his friend, see if AH is telling the truth that his friend really did tell him this? I suppose it doesn’t really matter either way, what matters is AH’s reaction, and that is unacceptable behaviour to me.
Today is a big day for me, a big decision needs to be made and made soon.
Thanks for listening
Adventure
AH was at a work night out last night. I tend to lock my door when he’s on a night out, not because I feel threatened but he would sometimes come in annoying me, telling me he loves me, blah blah blah. At about 2.30am there was screaming, and roaring at my bedroom door, him trying to break down the door, screaming that he’ll f****** kill me, and f****** kill B**** (his sister’s husband). He was completely hysterical and out of control. I was absolutely petrified. I couldn’t tell what he was saying for a long time, as it was just a jumble of words. I really thought he was going to come through the door, and I really, really don’t know what I’d have done as I would have been trapped in my bedroom. After a while I began to piece together what was wrong. He claims that a so-called friend that he shared a taxi home with told him that he has heard that I am having an affair with AH’s sister’s husband
. Seriously, what the hell? There are two possibilities here. Firstly (more likely), AH dreamed/made up/hallucinated the whole thing (maybe fell asleep in taxi or something), and that he is just covering up for this. Or, secondly, that his so-called friend did indeed tell him this complete and utter BS. My God, I barely have energy to get myself through the day without doing something like that, never mind the fact that I am not that kind of person, regardless of how much AH has abused me.I have put up with a lot over 5 years of “marriage” but I have never felt so scared before. It is a new low. I have been feeling very confused lately about why I actually stay in the house. I have no relationship with my AH, we are like tenants living under the same roof. I’m pretty sure I have zero love left for him, and possibly would have even less love for him if he gave up the drink/pills. I am in the middle of the countryside, surrounded by his family, so I have no intention of staying here and making him be the one to leave. His family are a nightmare and I would be plagued so it just wouldn’t be worth it. One question I see frequently on here is “What are you getting out of this relationship?”. The answer is stress, worry, fear, isolation, unhappiness, anger. I get nothing good out of it, EVER.
I still feel shell-shocked this morning. The shouting/raging/hysterics went on, on and off, until about 5am this morning. Even when he went to his own room I could hear him shouting and roaring and threatening. I know this needs to be the one and only time he threatens my life, that I cannot allow this to happen again, as who knows how much further it would go. Should I contact his friend, see if AH is telling the truth that his friend really did tell him this? I suppose it doesn’t really matter either way, what matters is AH’s reaction, and that is unacceptable behaviour to me.
Today is a big day for me, a big decision needs to be made and made soon.
Thanks for listening
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I agree, if it's possible get a secure place to stay starting ASAP, pack up and get away from him. Even if he was in halleucination mode, to him it's very real....and so is his violent tendency.
Keep your keys and go back with a friend to ge the rest of your stuff when he's not around. Try to get someone to be with you today.
you deserve to feel safe in your own home.
Keep your keys and go back with a friend to ge the rest of your stuff when he's not around. Try to get someone to be with you today.
you deserve to feel safe in your own home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Adventure,
Please go back and read your post several more times to yourself. I am in the criminal justice system and I can assure you that it is domestic situations involving alcohol that are the MOST DANGEROUS on the planet!
You have options and weight your choices carefully because the alcoholic/crazy cycle can start right up again today. You could contact the domestic violence hotline in your area and they will help you.
Concentrate on what you need to leave... important documents, medications, clothing etc...
Work on a safe exit plan and then leave... there is nothing left to stay for... nothing only more insanity and true danger.
Keep up posted on how you are and stay safe.
Please go back and read your post several more times to yourself. I am in the criminal justice system and I can assure you that it is domestic situations involving alcohol that are the MOST DANGEROUS on the planet!
You have options and weight your choices carefully because the alcoholic/crazy cycle can start right up again today. You could contact the domestic violence hotline in your area and they will help you.
Concentrate on what you need to leave... important documents, medications, clothing etc...
Work on a safe exit plan and then leave... there is nothing left to stay for... nothing only more insanity and true danger.
Keep up posted on how you are and stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Adventure, I agree with Katiekat, LEAVE NOW.
AH life is spiraling out of control, and you are in the eye of the storm.
There is really no point in contacting his friend, to see what he said, I have never confronted anyone and actually got the truth anyway.. Besides this friend is not responsible for your husband's actions.
Please, keep the focus on yourself, be safe, get yourself out of harm's way. Trust your gut, wish I had a magic carpet, I'd fly you away from the insanity...........
AH life is spiraling out of control, and you are in the eye of the storm.
There is really no point in contacting his friend, to see what he said, I have never confronted anyone and actually got the truth anyway.. Besides this friend is not responsible for your husband's actions.
Please, keep the focus on yourself, be safe, get yourself out of harm's way. Trust your gut, wish I had a magic carpet, I'd fly you away from the insanity...........
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
your choice here is too now, LEAVE....the fantasy is OVER...you can not live like that anymore...
you know what you have to do....its not about being validated(his family) anymore, just GO!!
be safe and kind to yourself...
you know what you have to do....its not about being validated(his family) anymore, just GO!!
be safe and kind to yourself...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Thank you all for your replies. You are all 100% right, and I've spent a good bit of time today figuring out where I can go. These are the times that the loneliness of not living near family kick in, but I have some wonderful friends so hopefully will figure something out. If all else fails I'll head to a hotel for a few nights.
I can't explain it but I'm more upset about the reality of your replies than about what happened last night. Or maybe it's just that it's sinking in now. I was too shocked/scared last night, and probably too angry up until now to be upset.
Saljay, I read your post before I posted today. I need to heed the advice that I would've given you - "get out, get out, get out". We must keep an eye on each other and hopefully keep each other strong. AH is out of bed about 10 minutes and is already gone out the door, probably to drown the guilt he is feeling about last night, so God knows what form he will be in later.
Thank you again for reading and caring enough to reply. Time for me to start planning the step I've wanted to take for a long time.
Adventure
I can't explain it but I'm more upset about the reality of your replies than about what happened last night. Or maybe it's just that it's sinking in now. I was too shocked/scared last night, and probably too angry up until now to be upset.
Saljay, I read your post before I posted today. I need to heed the advice that I would've given you - "get out, get out, get out". We must keep an eye on each other and hopefully keep each other strong. AH is out of bed about 10 minutes and is already gone out the door, probably to drown the guilt he is feeling about last night, so God knows what form he will be in later.
Thank you again for reading and caring enough to reply. Time for me to start planning the step I've wanted to take for a long time.
Adventure
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Mpls., MN
Posts: 20
Hello Adventure,
Something like this happened to me, the thing about someone telling my husband that I was out in the parking lot at a bar with another man when I was sitting in the bar wtih his brother who came to watch him in a game before we were in the bar. That brother had given up drinking so we were just sitting there at a table waiting for my husband to bless us with his presence but he stayed with his buddies at the bar and talked and talked and drank and drank. All I remember is he ran up the steps and disappeard for a while and then he came barreling back down the stairs, found our table and flipped it over and roared at me about being out in the parking lot with another man. This was probably over 10 years ago or more and I should have left then but I figuired that it was the booze talking. I ran out to get in my car and he was still mad at me even though my brother in law said that I had been sitting there the entire time and like you, I had a full time job and four children to take care of, I was not even that excited to be sitting there waiting to have my husband acknowedge my presence. The man who told him I was fooling around is a cocaine addict and alcoholic, this I know now and kind of figuired that he was on something and he wanted my husband to be like him, with a wife that is hooked on drugs and fun of that kind.
He never threatened to kill me but he was very scary that nite.
I did hear a story from a lady in Al-anon at a meeting I was at and it goes like this.....
A man had a slip, an alcoholic, and he found himself in jail. He called for the jailor and wanted to call his wife so she would not worry about him. The jailor said, I'm sorry, you killed your wife last nite.
I would guess the man was in a black out....
tired
Something like this happened to me, the thing about someone telling my husband that I was out in the parking lot at a bar with another man when I was sitting in the bar wtih his brother who came to watch him in a game before we were in the bar. That brother had given up drinking so we were just sitting there at a table waiting for my husband to bless us with his presence but he stayed with his buddies at the bar and talked and talked and drank and drank. All I remember is he ran up the steps and disappeard for a while and then he came barreling back down the stairs, found our table and flipped it over and roared at me about being out in the parking lot with another man. This was probably over 10 years ago or more and I should have left then but I figuired that it was the booze talking. I ran out to get in my car and he was still mad at me even though my brother in law said that I had been sitting there the entire time and like you, I had a full time job and four children to take care of, I was not even that excited to be sitting there waiting to have my husband acknowedge my presence. The man who told him I was fooling around is a cocaine addict and alcoholic, this I know now and kind of figuired that he was on something and he wanted my husband to be like him, with a wife that is hooked on drugs and fun of that kind.
He never threatened to kill me but he was very scary that nite.
I did hear a story from a lady in Al-anon at a meeting I was at and it goes like this.....
A man had a slip, an alcoholic, and he found himself in jail. He called for the jailor and wanted to call his wife so she would not worry about him. The jailor said, I'm sorry, you killed your wife last nite.
I would guess the man was in a black out....
tired
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by tiredoftryin 
Hello Adventure,
I did hear a story from a lady in Al-anon at a meeting I was at and it goes like this.....
A man had a slip, an alcoholic, and he found himself in jail. He called for the jailor and wanted to call his wife so she would not worry about him. The jailor said, I'm sorry, you killed your wife last nite.
I would guess the man was in a black out....
tired
I did hear a story from a lady in Al-anon at a meeting I was at and it goes like this.....
A man had a slip, an alcoholic, and he found himself in jail. He called for the jailor and wanted to call his wife so she would not worry about him. The jailor said, I'm sorry, you killed your wife last nite.
I would guess the man was in a black out....
tired
Her husband had been drinking too and she found him "pleasuring himself" and that enraged her... so she proceeded to grab a hatchet out of the garage and killed and continued to chop on him until he was just pieces.
Black out drinkers can snap and become psychotic killers... we can discuss which came first the chicken or the egg... alcohol or psychosis... but first...
GET OUT... GET OUT... GET OUT!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I would strongly recommend that you call the police, report the death threats and get an emergency order of protection in place.
Then pack your things and go someplace safe, making sure to let friends and family know what's going on (for their protection as well).
Now is the time to take action.
Then pack your things and go someplace safe, making sure to let friends and family know what's going on (for their protection as well).
Now is the time to take action.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
The reason you know something is terribly, terribly wrong with how you think is because the first thing you didn't do was call the police. Don't feel bad, many people in long term relationships with alcoholics do the same. However, you need to know it doesn't help to think that way-- it hurts. In what scenario does somebody with normal thinking have that happen to them and not call the police? What would you think if you read that about somebody else?
Unfortunately, not only does he now know he can do that kind of thing anytime he wants, he also knows you won't call the police. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, but you can contribute to "IT." And, now "IT" has just been made worse because he had zero accountability for these actions.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are in grave danger IMHO.
Cyranoak
Unfortunately, not only does he now know he can do that kind of thing anytime he wants, he also knows you won't call the police. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, but you can contribute to "IT." And, now "IT" has just been made worse because he had zero accountability for these actions.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are in grave danger IMHO.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by Adventure
I can't explain it but I'm more upset about the reality of your replies than about what happened last night. Or maybe it's just that it's sinking in now. I was too shocked/scared last night, and probably too angry up until now to be upset.
At that point, it's the thought of what it will take to wake up from the numbness that hurts. You think, oh, well, this is just normal--him being a jerk (and a dangerous jerk at that). It may be normal for him but you can reset your life to what YOU want.
Time for you to find a "new normal." You truly do deserve a good life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
One year ago, I was wearing the same shoes as you
It's not easy to see beyond the fog, hopes and dreams when your covered
in fear and laying in a pool of denial
When you get strong enough to stand up, you will see there is a better
life than living in a home of active addiction....
What are you expecting him to do or act like? Really?!!?...He's not sober
Now, if he got sober, this story would be different...
It's not easy to see beyond the fog, hopes and dreams when your covered
in fear and laying in a pool of denial
When you get strong enough to stand up, you will see there is a better
life than living in a home of active addiction....
What are you expecting him to do or act like? Really?!!?...He's not sober
Now, if he got sober, this story would be different...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello adventure,
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can only just imagine how frightening it was to be in that room!
Please do not take what happened lightly. The link below contains lots of great information about abuse and addiction as well as resources for making a plan for your safety.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
For one-on-one telephone assistance, please call:
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
You do not deserve to be treated to verbal abuse and threats...no one does.
Hugs, HG
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can only just imagine how frightening it was to be in that room!
Please do not take what happened lightly. The link below contains lots of great information about abuse and addiction as well as resources for making a plan for your safety.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
For one-on-one telephone assistance, please call:
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
You do not deserve to be treated to verbal abuse and threats...no one does.
Hugs, HG
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Adventure)))))
Here are some Domestic Violence center sites for places and services in Ireland:
Women's Aid - Domestic violence service in Ireland » Home Page
Safe Ireland Domestic Violence Services
Violence against women in Ireland - irishhealth.com
http://www.childandfamilyresearch.ie...in_ireland.pdf
index
Leeway, a shelter from domestic abuse
Hope the above helps!
Love and hugs,
Here are some Domestic Violence center sites for places and services in Ireland:
Women's Aid - Domestic violence service in Ireland » Home Page
Safe Ireland Domestic Violence Services
Violence against women in Ireland - irishhealth.com
http://www.childandfamilyresearch.ie...in_ireland.pdf
index
Leeway, a shelter from domestic abuse
Hope the above helps!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi all
Thank you all again for giving me some badly needed reality checks. I'm a little ashamed to say I am still in the house tonight. I hope it doesn't come across as giving the 2 fingers to your advice - I can assure you I have taken every bit of it on board - even the bits that are hard to swallow! I have a sort of a plan in place for right now. I was at an Al Anon meeting tonight and I have made an arrangement with a girl that if anything happens, regardless of time of day/night that I will ring her. I have also given my next door neighbour the heads up(who is married to AH's brother and who has been an incredible support unlike the rest of the family). The first sign of trouble and I am under strict instructions to ring her. I have given her a key to get into the house if needs be. I also am keeping my keys/phone wallet at close hand permanently. I am meeting a friend tomorrow evening who has offered me a bed on previous occassions, so I will finally take her up on that offer I hope.
This, and the rest of your post, was hard to read but I'm forcing myself to not say "That doesn't apply to me" as in my heart I know it does. Thank you for your honestly.
Hydrogirl and Laurie thank you so much for that information. I had looked up Women's Aid this morning, but it's probably not that surprising given everything else, that I haven't made contact yet.
Tonight I am safe, no doubt about that, but I can't live every day not knowing when something similar will kick off. This is the kick in the ass that I needed, and I am so glad to have all of you here to witness me saying this - it will make it a whole lot more likely that I won't chicken out.
Thanks for everything
Adventure
Thank you all again for giving me some badly needed reality checks. I'm a little ashamed to say I am still in the house tonight. I hope it doesn't come across as giving the 2 fingers to your advice - I can assure you I have taken every bit of it on board - even the bits that are hard to swallow! I have a sort of a plan in place for right now. I was at an Al Anon meeting tonight and I have made an arrangement with a girl that if anything happens, regardless of time of day/night that I will ring her. I have also given my next door neighbour the heads up(who is married to AH's brother and who has been an incredible support unlike the rest of the family). The first sign of trouble and I am under strict instructions to ring her. I have given her a key to get into the house if needs be. I also am keeping my keys/phone wallet at close hand permanently. I am meeting a friend tomorrow evening who has offered me a bed on previous occassions, so I will finally take her up on that offer I hope.
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
The reason you know something is terribly, terribly wrong with how you think is because the first thing you didn't do was call the police.
Hydrogirl and Laurie thank you so much for that information. I had looked up Women's Aid this morning, but it's probably not that surprising given everything else, that I haven't made contact yet.
Tonight I am safe, no doubt about that, but I can't live every day not knowing when something similar will kick off. This is the kick in the ass that I needed, and I am so glad to have all of you here to witness me saying this - it will make it a whole lot more likely that I won't chicken out.
Thanks for everything
Adventure
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
