Question about codependency....what have you learned?
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Question about codependency....what have you learned?
I really appreciate the other thread about addicts. It helps me to really think along those lines and I get a lot out of reading other people's thoughts.
In a similar vane, what is the thing you've learned about codependency that you carry with you in your daily life now? That is a big question for me because I have learned so much and am still learning a lot. It is hard to throw out a couple of lines but since I started the thread I guess I must
I use these three thoughts in all areas of my life and I feel they are so important to who I want to be as a person.
Help is what I do for others who _can not_ do it for themselves.
Enabling is what I do for others who _can_ do for it for themselves.
This keeps my blood pressure and life manageable and leaves others with their self respect and dignity (or at least I didn't tear it down). Double win.
If I say it without being asked; it is meddling.
If I say it twice; it is manipulation.
I used to be bad with this. I am so glad I no longer say things over and over or offer 'advice or input' when it is not asked for. I think most everyone else is glad to, lol. Interestingly I absolutely hate when this is done to me so when I realized I was doing it I knew I had to pay attention!
Stay on my side of the street.
If I don't 'own' it I need to keep out of it and/or let it go. I still think this one through a lot. That keeps me from being a manipulative, meddling, raging codependent as well as saves me a lot of mental anguish because I tend to take ownership of other peoples bad feelings and try to fix it - and then I work myself into a state of anxiety, worry, guilt, etc because I am owning something that isn't mine, never was, and is not under my control. I am waaaay over there on their side of the street and ignoring mine.
I am so much more relaxed and at peace with myself, and those around me, when I put these 'rules' to work! I used to really have to think about nearly every situation before I reacted or responded to figure this out but it has become more automatic now. I still go back to saying them in my head and thinking it through when I need to, especially if I am feeling anxiety over some situation.
What about you?
In a similar vane, what is the thing you've learned about codependency that you carry with you in your daily life now? That is a big question for me because I have learned so much and am still learning a lot. It is hard to throw out a couple of lines but since I started the thread I guess I must
I use these three thoughts in all areas of my life and I feel they are so important to who I want to be as a person.
Help is what I do for others who _can not_ do it for themselves.
Enabling is what I do for others who _can_ do for it for themselves.
This keeps my blood pressure and life manageable and leaves others with their self respect and dignity (or at least I didn't tear it down). Double win.
If I say it without being asked; it is meddling.
If I say it twice; it is manipulation.
I used to be bad with this. I am so glad I no longer say things over and over or offer 'advice or input' when it is not asked for. I think most everyone else is glad to, lol. Interestingly I absolutely hate when this is done to me so when I realized I was doing it I knew I had to pay attention!
Stay on my side of the street.
If I don't 'own' it I need to keep out of it and/or let it go. I still think this one through a lot. That keeps me from being a manipulative, meddling, raging codependent as well as saves me a lot of mental anguish because I tend to take ownership of other peoples bad feelings and try to fix it - and then I work myself into a state of anxiety, worry, guilt, etc because I am owning something that isn't mine, never was, and is not under my control. I am waaaay over there on their side of the street and ignoring mine.
I am so much more relaxed and at peace with myself, and those around me, when I put these 'rules' to work! I used to really have to think about nearly every situation before I reacted or responded to figure this out but it has become more automatic now. I still go back to saying them in my head and thinking it through when I need to, especially if I am feeling anxiety over some situation.
What about you?
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I learned to watch myself because just when you think you're "all better", codependency rears its ugly head. The desire to "help", to make someone into what *I* think they should be "for their own good" is still present, and I struggle against it daily.
I call upon the serenity prayer to give me strength, to remind myself to pull back and focus on the things I can change. So far, it has never failed me.
I call upon the serenity prayer to give me strength, to remind myself to pull back and focus on the things I can change. So far, it has never failed me.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I don't have to justify myself to anyone. Something can be the truth for me, or the healthy thing for me to do, even if everyone else disagrees.
My feelings are always valid because they're mine.
That can still mean I'm wrong sometimes (read here: I am triggered by things that don't mean what my subconscious tells me they mean, such as the phrase "never mind"), but my feelings are still valid.
I can change my mind - because I learned more information, because I grew as a person, or simply because I feel like it.
Just because I believed one thing one day or agreed to do something last time doesn't mean I'm locked in stone this time around.
Life is fluid, and I can be too.
My feelings are always valid because they're mine.
That can still mean I'm wrong sometimes (read here: I am triggered by things that don't mean what my subconscious tells me they mean, such as the phrase "never mind"), but my feelings are still valid.
I can change my mind - because I learned more information, because I grew as a person, or simply because I feel like it.
Just because I believed one thing one day or agreed to do something last time doesn't mean I'm locked in stone this time around.
Life is fluid, and I can be too.
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From Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.
A desire not to butt into other people's business is at least eighty percent of all human 'wisdom'...and the other twenty percent isn't very important.
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Good stuff!!
Excellent! My entire post in one neat sentence - love it!
Originally Posted by m1k3 
From Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.
A desire not to butt into other people's business is at least eighty percent of all human 'wisdom'...and the other twenty percent isn't very important.
A desire not to butt into other people's business is at least eighty percent of all human 'wisdom'...and the other twenty percent isn't very important.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
There was a time I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself, always second guessing what I thought and what I felt, well I'm not 100% better in that area yet but now I feel I'm a lot less hard on myself where if I goof up that's ok too not like before where I would go and just give myself a severe tongue lashing with all the self pity added on. I'm more forgiving of myself which I hope I'm more forgiving of others. I'm beginning to be more comfortable in my own skin.
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Robert Heinlein!!! Love!!!
I Replace "should" with "could" to remind myself that most everything I do is a choice.
I also look at things in the context of have to and want to. There are things you have to do, and want to. Those are easy. And things you have to but don't want to, and those are hard. But there are also a lot of things that I as a Codie think I have to and don't want to when, really, I don't have to. And those are things that lead to resentment.
Really it's two ways of saying the same thing, I think.
I Replace "should" with "could" to remind myself that most everything I do is a choice.
I also look at things in the context of have to and want to. There are things you have to do, and want to. Those are easy. And things you have to but don't want to, and those are hard. But there are also a lot of things that I as a Codie think I have to and don't want to when, really, I don't have to. And those are things that lead to resentment.
Really it's two ways of saying the same thing, I think.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great thread!
I learned its not the end of the world.
If I don't marry or don't own a house or a nice car... those, as my sister say are "social constructions" (THANKS LATEEDA) .. its NOT the end of the world..
If I leave a current job and try something new its not the end of the world.. if I fail miserably in my new venture its not the end of the world either... I guess what I am saying is that I have some faith in Life itself now... JUST A BIT.. but it makes a huge difference.
Life as an adventure not as a set of someone's "GOALS" which might be unattainable or just plain not what motivates you in the morning.. (LTD as well !!)
I learned its not the end of the world.
If I don't marry or don't own a house or a nice car... those, as my sister say are "social constructions" (THANKS LATEEDA) .. its NOT the end of the world..
If I leave a current job and try something new its not the end of the world.. if I fail miserably in my new venture its not the end of the world either... I guess what I am saying is that I have some faith in Life itself now... JUST A BIT.. but it makes a huge difference.
Life as an adventure not as a set of someone's "GOALS" which might be unattainable or just plain not what motivates you in the morning.. (LTD as well !!)
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I also learned that you can laugh at your misery when you're surrounded by other people who know what your situation is like.
I think the black humor at Al-Anon has helped me almost as much as working a program has.
I think the black humor at Al-Anon has helped me almost as much as working a program has.
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I'm still trying to figure this out. Does staying in a marriage with AH make me co-dependent? I know I enable him and pretty much my life revolves around his drinking and behavior towards me and the kids. I've been on 5 different anti- depressants in the past 6 years and thought this was all about me not able to cope but now realize he has been an alcoholic this whole time and that is why I'm so unhappy. He also put a hole in the wall with our 2 yr old sons head when he jumped on his back. I chalked it up to an accident at the time which was 7 years ago and a thin wall...i have been stressed for such a long time and didnt even know what his drinking was doing to our family.... now that we have a third baby...Everything seemed fine b4 kids and I thought as they got older it would get better but it's getting worse...I pretended all was fine to everyone for such a long time and wanted to work at our marriage and divorce was not an option for me because of spiritual beliefs and stubborness mostly. Learning about codependency and alcoholism addicts I guess I now understand what my issues are doing to his disease and excusing his behavior and letting it continue as an ACOA now I am beginning to understand the signs. Now I know we would both be better off it I would put my foot down and set major boundaries or just leave him. I'm not as scared of the idea and know I need to do whats best for all of us even though its a major life change. Sometimes I look forward to anlife of my own with the kids and no more chaos and stress from AH. I want to work on my own happiness without him spoiling it every other day for all of us...It was good to get that out...thanks for this thread...hope it doesnt sound too stupid.
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Boy was this timely today. I had a recent situation with a client going through divorce. She is totally overwhelmed .... and in my exuberance (and born from compassion) to "help" her...she became even more overwhelmed. Huge lesson for me! And shows I still have much work to do!
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TCB - your post does not sound stupid at all! I think most of us can relate to that post, I know I can.
It is a learning process and you are learning right now. We make the best decisions we can, with what we know. Continue to learn, to be open to all your options, and honor your learning, yourself, and your children by doing the next right thing. You don't have to figure it out all at once. Trust the process and be safe. Do the next right thing and you'll learn more and know more and do the next right thing tomorrow and the next day and the next.
My happy ending is the empowerment to trust the process, to keep learning and doing the next right thing. I used to think the happy ending was the picture in my head but it isn't. That picture in my head is simply a fantasy.
It is a learning process and you are learning right now. We make the best decisions we can, with what we know. Continue to learn, to be open to all your options, and honor your learning, yourself, and your children by doing the next right thing. You don't have to figure it out all at once. Trust the process and be safe. Do the next right thing and you'll learn more and know more and do the next right thing tomorrow and the next day and the next.
My happy ending is the empowerment to trust the process, to keep learning and doing the next right thing. I used to think the happy ending was the picture in my head but it isn't. That picture in my head is simply a fantasy.
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Well, I think all the stuff I've learned in the last six years could probably fill a book...
But, if I had to pick the most important, I guess it would be this.
Actions speak louder than Words.
L
But, if I had to pick the most important, I guess it would be this.
Actions speak louder than Words.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by TCB5568
I'm still trying to figure this out. Does staying in a marriage with AH make me co-dependent? I know I enable him and pretty much my life revolves around his drinking and behavior towards me and the kids. I've been on 5 different anti- depressants in the past 6 years and thought this was all about me not able to cope but now realize he has been an alcoholic this whole time and that is why I'm so unhappy. He also put a hole in the wall with our 2 yr old sons head when he jumped on his back. I chalked it up to an accident at the time which was 7 years ago and a thin wall...i have been stressed for such a long time and didnt even know what his drinking was doing to our family.... now that we have a third baby...Everything seemed fine b4 kids and I thought as they got older it would get better but it's getting worse...I pretended all was fine to everyone for such a long time and wanted to work at our marriage and divorce was not an option for me because of spiritual beliefs and stubborness mostly. Learning about codependency and alcoholism addicts I guess I now understand what my issues are doing to his disease and excusing his behavior and letting it continue as an ACOA now I am beginning to understand the signs. Now I know we would both be better off it I would put my foot down and set major boundaries or just leave him. I'm not as scared of the idea and know I need to do whats best for all of us even though its a major life change. Sometimes I look forward to anlife of my own with the kids and no more chaos and stress from AH. I want to work on my own happiness without him spoiling it every other day for all of us...It was good to get that out...thanks for this thread...hope it doesnt sound too stupid.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
I have learned to separate/detach/stay clear of people who can potentially be harmful to/use me.
I come back here from time to time and read through these threads, and I see that I am not nearly as warm and compassionate as most of you. Being dumped on by alkies--yes, with my permission, of course!--has made me put up a wall through which I will never allow anyone who is looking to use me to penetrate again.
I just want nothing to do with them. NOTHING. I do find that at times I have some compassion for people caught in the throes of addiction--from a long distance. But I also find that my negative attitude extends out to people who simply don't take care of their own business, whether they are addicts or not.
Case in point: I go to a small church that I found about 18 months ago. Love it. Nice people, very open-minded, spiritual, into social justice, things I love. But there is a woman in this church who is having some issues, and frankly, I tune out the stories and don't ask the details. She's not a drinker or a user, but she seems to have trouble holding jobs for very long (but does have two jobs right now, which is good) and then there's some issue where she has teenage sons but is not legally allowed to live in the same house with them which just screams BIG RED FLAG to me.
A few months ago, when this all was happening, I was getting "pray for Laura" emails, and I did, but I really just do not want to know what her problem is. I am single (divorced), with a daughter who is away at college most of the time, so certain of the church people I guess decided I have an empty bedroom, and hints were being dropped about how poor Laura is homeless now and sleeping on her sister's couch yada yada yada, and I do believe that those stories and hints are being thrown at me because I'm single and alone and expected to somehow say, "OH SHE CAN STAY WITH ME". And I am not saying that. NOT EVER.
Then came the day when Laura said outright, "Oh I should just move in with you, since you live so close to where I work." And I said, "Oh, no, you should not" and changed the subject.
I am not home for at least 12 hours every day due to work and the long commute to get there and back. NEVER AGAIN is someone else going to sit in my home and enjoy my home while I am out working. If that is uncompassionate and unChristian and un-Al-Anonlike, I will wear those labels.
I come back here from time to time and read through these threads, and I see that I am not nearly as warm and compassionate as most of you. Being dumped on by alkies--yes, with my permission, of course!--has made me put up a wall through which I will never allow anyone who is looking to use me to penetrate again.
I just want nothing to do with them. NOTHING. I do find that at times I have some compassion for people caught in the throes of addiction--from a long distance. But I also find that my negative attitude extends out to people who simply don't take care of their own business, whether they are addicts or not.
Case in point: I go to a small church that I found about 18 months ago. Love it. Nice people, very open-minded, spiritual, into social justice, things I love. But there is a woman in this church who is having some issues, and frankly, I tune out the stories and don't ask the details. She's not a drinker or a user, but she seems to have trouble holding jobs for very long (but does have two jobs right now, which is good) and then there's some issue where she has teenage sons but is not legally allowed to live in the same house with them which just screams BIG RED FLAG to me.
A few months ago, when this all was happening, I was getting "pray for Laura" emails, and I did, but I really just do not want to know what her problem is. I am single (divorced), with a daughter who is away at college most of the time, so certain of the church people I guess decided I have an empty bedroom, and hints were being dropped about how poor Laura is homeless now and sleeping on her sister's couch yada yada yada, and I do believe that those stories and hints are being thrown at me because I'm single and alone and expected to somehow say, "OH SHE CAN STAY WITH ME". And I am not saying that. NOT EVER.
Then came the day when Laura said outright, "Oh I should just move in with you, since you live so close to where I work." And I said, "Oh, no, you should not" and changed the subject.
I am not home for at least 12 hours every day due to work and the long commute to get there and back. NEVER AGAIN is someone else going to sit in my home and enjoy my home while I am out working. If that is uncompassionate and unChristian and un-Al-Anonlike, I will wear those labels.
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