blwninthewind

I am in many ways relieved that he knows I'm leaving. It was a hard secret to keep and carry. I felt overwhelming guilt for not telling him but I couldn't. He's too unpredictible and I couldn't face living w/ him for weeks in a hostile environment.

I still don't know exactly how he found out...but I suspect he found out here.
He figured out my username by the info I posted...so lesson learned to the rest of you...make a whole new username to post under w/ NO personal details til you get out. I'm lucky...mine isn't violent...some aren't so lucky.

He is not drinking. and he didn't last night either ...I was pretty surprised he didn't and had a plan in place to get my kids out if he came home drunk. Fact is I can't trust him. Sober or not. He is not actively drinking...I guess you could say a RA...but really isn't doing his program. I'm proud of him for remaining sober, NO relapses...for almost 2 yrs. And on his first try with AA but the fact remains..he isn't truly recovering unless you work the program and he isn't.

He HAS been trying recently to finish projects around the house that have sat for YEARS half done, He HAS made statements about how he feels he needs to grow up and be more mature, He HAS...made efforts to help around the house and w/ our kids...but.... he still talks to me like i'm a moron. he gets so angry and frustrated over the littlest thing that its scary and annoying...
and....

-He has never once taken responsibility for his drinking. He has blamed me, the kids, our relationship, our home.... everything and everyone except HIM for his actions.

-He has never once apologized to me for any of the horrors I dealt with when he was actively drinking. Not ONCE. Nor has he made any amends to our children.

-He still claims "you're not even giving me a chance!"...yes I did. I gave him YEARS..over 20 to make things right. Yes...18 were drunk...but almost two were sober...and he still can't seem to pull it together.

yet it's soo hard. My heart breaks to know I love someone that is so bad for me. That being with him is slowly killing me...it really is. I am so damaged. I'm a mess. I am trying so hard to be strong...do what I know is right...I need to go...but then he cries, talks about losing his family...it almost breaks me.

I just have to keep remembering the bad things, the unacceptable things that he still doesn't get are unacceptable. I am not looking back to the drinking much but I can't forgive him. I've tried...I can't. I want to. I can't even forgive myself for not picking up these kids and leaving years ago...but I couldn't. I'm barely strong enough now..even though I know it's the right thing...

so here's my question...
How do I walk away?
How can I do it without falling completely apart? I know it's right..but I am so scared. I can't fail...my kids are depending on me...but how do I do it. He has been my best friend and worst enemy for over 20 yrs.
I know his faults and he knows mine...I want to go...but I want to stay...
my heart is breaking....

booksanddolls

This is how I feel. Like you I'm on the way out (fingers crossed in six weeks). I just take it one day at a time and know that even though he's been sober for 3 days he isn't accepting blame for any of it.

Be strong, you're doing the best thing that you can for yourself and your children.

Katiekate

How can I do it without falling completely apart?

If you completely fall apart, you will pick yourself back up. You have been completely falling apart for 20years sounds like.

I don't mean to sound non caring, I do care, I care about you. There were so many times I did not follow through on things I knew I should do, to protect myself. I ended up right back in the same place I swore I never wanted to end up again.

Give yourself and your kids a chance to live in peace. You might like it.

good luck and lots of love to you

dvd5904

My heart goes out to you friend. I am 3 days out of my relationship with my AGF and honestly I feel like I'm dying. I spend most of my time in a fog, panic, or crying. I saw all the possitive steps she was talking just like you mention in your situation, and yet experianced all the cyclic bad behavior that you mention too. I've been second guessing myself since I left, but that my be an issue for me to work out. I wish you all the luck with whatever you choose. You are not alone in this.

LaTeeDa

I, too, was married for 20 years to an alcoholic. I, too, should have left years before I finally did. Mine was my best friend and worst enemy, too. And, mine also cried and tried to make up for it after it was too late.

Here's how I did it. I gave myself six months of living apart before I would let myself consider whether I wanted to remain married. (It actually took more like a year and he did get sober and we did try to reconcile.) I told myself that if it was meant to be, it would work out after some time. But, I could not go on living like we were. It wasn't about giving him another chance, it was about giving me some space and peace. If he changes into the man you actually want to be married to, you can go back. But, right now you have to to what's best for you right now.

It worked for me...

L

Shadydeal

Ditto, It hurts and it's been a month tomorrow that I left/kicked my ABF out of the house. It's been 4 years together. I have known him almost 30 but we Lived in different states with different lives for all but the last 4 years. My EXABF is a great guy but he doesn't function. God knows he tries so hard but either lack of desire or strength he can't stay sober for more than 30 days. He is 40 and each time.....I thought.....this is it! He's got it, he will get it.....nope! Heart breaking and progressive. I ask, no way this could get worse. It did and does. I had to do the tough love. I have to find away to love myself enough to worry about my needs. I want him in my life but no contact for us....now or the last month. I am not holding my breath this time, I just know I can't and will not pick up the pieces and go down with him. It's hard, many things I miss about the person I wished he was or could be. Try to move forward for yourself.

Marytherboo

Wow, Sassydog, I thought I was reading about myself in your post...same ages, same time frames, everything. Just wanted to reach out and give you a hug and let you know I'm right there with you. It will get better !

transformyself

I hope you find some peace soon Honey.

I also question how safe it is to live with someone who doesn't respect your privacy or trust you and stalks you in this way. You say he's not violent, but he's obviously got boundary issues.

Praying you heal up quickly. I know how hard this is.

justrae83

It is not easy to leave...i would love to tell you that it is, especially when you have kids involved. I am so sorry that you have to go through this but know YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE. When i left my exbf of 6 years who i lived with, I CRIED the whole time but knew it was the best thing for me. Stay strong and keep reading these forms, they have helped me so much. I wish i would of found these before Even after i moved out, I Still wanted to belive he would change and so i dated him while i moved back in with my parents....3 months later he started drinking agian and was sleeping with another women. Proves they cant change...... GOOD LUCK.

ODAT63

I agree with justrae83, you are making the right choice, enough is enough, I was 47 when he left, we were married 16 years, I am surviving just fine and the pain does go away or reduces to a manageable size, just think of all the new wonderful experiences you are going to have.
Life gets better, it really does, it will feel weird at a times and the obsessions will come back some times strong but you can make it, you and your kids will be fine and finally happy.