Confused..Social Alcoholic, Alcohol Abuse or Alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 9
Confused..Social Alcoholic, Alcohol Abuse or Alcoholic?
Good afternoon everyone.
I have been researching all day. I found this forum and read many of the Sticky's. I had an eye opener with The Red Flags Sticky....I can relate to A LOT of those.
I'm just a little confused on the terms of SA, alcoholic abuse and alcoholism and well, I don't know which one would describe my husband.
I'm pretty sure I know which one and just needed some the opinions of those who dealt with this first hand and can share their knowledge.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My husband told me when we got together, he liked to drink and he told me his Navy and Army drinking stories. We spent time in bars on our dates. I drink but, I can take it or leave it really. I don't have to drink to have a good time. Looking back now, it should have been all red flags.
Almost two years into our marriage, I began seeing the true nature of him and the problem of his drinking. He totaled my car on the way home from the bar. In our third year of marriage, he went to jail for domestic battery due to being being highly drunk. Last year, he openly admitted to my sister that he enjoys drinking and only drinks to get drunk, that is his sole purpose. That really bothered me. I have had other episodes where he has yelled at me, or has gotten into it with other members of my family while he is drinking. He becomes very opinionated and loud and thinks that others need to see his POV, and doesn't stop arguing until they do or they walk away. Or he may become handsy with my girlfriends. We went to an all day rock concert last may that started at 11am and lasted to 11pm. By 3pm he was passed out. By 4pm, he was no where to be found. I was concerned about my safety walking back to the hotel from the concert in downtown Kansas City that late at night by myself. I found him in the hotel passed out, how he managed to get there, I don't know. I was furious.
We are currently having problems in our relationship that he does not want to acknowledge or admit to problems existing. His drinking is one of the problems.
Last Friday night, I was invited to go to have a couple of drinks with my girlfriend. My husband took to mean him too and he went. I informed my huband, that we were taking my 13yo out for his birthday the next day and to control what he spent. I had two drinks and was enjoying visiting with my girlfriend. I wasn't watching my husband and how much he was drinking but, he got staggering drunk. The bill was $54.00. We left the VFW at 11pm but, my husband wanted me to drop him off at the bar down from where we live because he was not done drinking. I refused and drove straight home. He got out of the car, slammed the door and proceeded to walk to the bar, staggering drunk mind you. He spent another $18.00 dollars. I was furious the next morning.
That next morning, I was told by him that is was my fault that he got drunk, that he did not want to go to the bar in the first place. I did not encourage him to go at all. I didn't plea with him to go.
He also told me that he refuses to stop drinking, even acknowledges he is a drunk. He states he enjoys drinking and he is not stopping for me. We also fought about other issues that morning too. I ended up packing up and leaving to go to my sisters for the night.. I took my 14yo and 22yo with me. At least I could give my son a good birthday in my sister's home and not a tension filled environment had I stayed home.
I got home the next day and we have not spoken. He tried to talk to me last night but, I barely answered him. He tried to act like nothing happened like he always does..sweep it under the rug.
We rarely drink at home. I put my foot down on that because of my youngest son and not wanting him to be around it. My husband drinks socially at bars, concerts, other's homes. He is always looking for the bigger and better bar. Three weeks ago, we visited Wichita's Old Towne, I have never been there. He couldn't stop talking about how we could get a hotel and bar hop.
I'm at my boiling point. He is 48 and I feel like nothing will change, except me walking away.
He is an alcoholic, I would say.
Thank you for your words of support!
I have been researching all day. I found this forum and read many of the Sticky's. I had an eye opener with The Red Flags Sticky....I can relate to A LOT of those.
I'm just a little confused on the terms of SA, alcoholic abuse and alcoholism and well, I don't know which one would describe my husband.
I'm pretty sure I know which one and just needed some the opinions of those who dealt with this first hand and can share their knowledge.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My husband told me when we got together, he liked to drink and he told me his Navy and Army drinking stories. We spent time in bars on our dates. I drink but, I can take it or leave it really. I don't have to drink to have a good time. Looking back now, it should have been all red flags.
Almost two years into our marriage, I began seeing the true nature of him and the problem of his drinking. He totaled my car on the way home from the bar. In our third year of marriage, he went to jail for domestic battery due to being being highly drunk. Last year, he openly admitted to my sister that he enjoys drinking and only drinks to get drunk, that is his sole purpose. That really bothered me. I have had other episodes where he has yelled at me, or has gotten into it with other members of my family while he is drinking. He becomes very opinionated and loud and thinks that others need to see his POV, and doesn't stop arguing until they do or they walk away. Or he may become handsy with my girlfriends. We went to an all day rock concert last may that started at 11am and lasted to 11pm. By 3pm he was passed out. By 4pm, he was no where to be found. I was concerned about my safety walking back to the hotel from the concert in downtown Kansas City that late at night by myself. I found him in the hotel passed out, how he managed to get there, I don't know. I was furious.
We are currently having problems in our relationship that he does not want to acknowledge or admit to problems existing. His drinking is one of the problems.
Last Friday night, I was invited to go to have a couple of drinks with my girlfriend. My husband took to mean him too and he went. I informed my huband, that we were taking my 13yo out for his birthday the next day and to control what he spent. I had two drinks and was enjoying visiting with my girlfriend. I wasn't watching my husband and how much he was drinking but, he got staggering drunk. The bill was $54.00. We left the VFW at 11pm but, my husband wanted me to drop him off at the bar down from where we live because he was not done drinking. I refused and drove straight home. He got out of the car, slammed the door and proceeded to walk to the bar, staggering drunk mind you. He spent another $18.00 dollars. I was furious the next morning.
That next morning, I was told by him that is was my fault that he got drunk, that he did not want to go to the bar in the first place. I did not encourage him to go at all. I didn't plea with him to go.
He also told me that he refuses to stop drinking, even acknowledges he is a drunk. He states he enjoys drinking and he is not stopping for me. We also fought about other issues that morning too. I ended up packing up and leaving to go to my sisters for the night.. I took my 14yo and 22yo with me. At least I could give my son a good birthday in my sister's home and not a tension filled environment had I stayed home.
I got home the next day and we have not spoken. He tried to talk to me last night but, I barely answered him. He tried to act like nothing happened like he always does..sweep it under the rug.
We rarely drink at home. I put my foot down on that because of my youngest son and not wanting him to be around it. My husband drinks socially at bars, concerts, other's homes. He is always looking for the bigger and better bar. Three weeks ago, we visited Wichita's Old Towne, I have never been there. He couldn't stop talking about how we could get a hotel and bar hop.
I'm at my boiling point. He is 48 and I feel like nothing will change, except me walking away.
He is an alcoholic, I would say.
Thank you for your words of support!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Here's all you need to know: it doesn't matter what type of alcoholic he is-- he's an alcoholic. What are you doing for you and your son? I ask because I wish somebody had asked me when my daughter was 4 and I was still trying to control my wife and her drinking. I had no idea of the damage that was being done to my daughter and to me.
Alanon and Counseling save me, and kept me from doing and allowing more damage to my daughter. Please consider both for you, and worry only about you and your baby. Your husband, a grown man, is responsible for himself.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Alanon and Counseling save me, and kept me from doing and allowing more damage to my daughter. Please consider both for you, and worry only about you and your baby. Your husband, a grown man, is responsible for himself.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
First of all, welcome to SR. There is lots of information and support here.
¨He is an alcoholic, I would say.¨
From what you've written, I would say so too. But labels aren't important. What matters is that his drinking is bothering you, causing you problems. Let me share a little of my history- when my A and I got together many years ago we both used to drink. We would go to a bar to hear live music, or to a festival, and drinking was part of the ¨fun¨. Fast forward several years later-while I enjoyed our occasional cocktails before dinner I found that he was starting way early and going way late afterwards. Fast forward another year or two to where he was drinking in the daytime. Eventually drinking as soon as he got up in the morning and spending the rest of the day drunk or asleep (passed out). The disease of alcoholism is progressive. Without the A seeking and embracing recovery it only gets worse, not better. But the A can only decide for him/herself to find recovery. The three C's of alanon are some comfort to me: I did not CAUSE it, I cannot CONTROL it, I cannot CURE it. Your husband will or will not realize that he has a problem. He will or will not decide to find help. But whatever he does or doesn't do, you can take care of yourself. Alanon is a very big help in learning how to deal with an alcoholic loved one. Please think about attending alanon meetings in your area. And please keep coming back here. We care, you are not alone.
¨He is an alcoholic, I would say.¨
From what you've written, I would say so too. But labels aren't important. What matters is that his drinking is bothering you, causing you problems. Let me share a little of my history- when my A and I got together many years ago we both used to drink. We would go to a bar to hear live music, or to a festival, and drinking was part of the ¨fun¨. Fast forward several years later-while I enjoyed our occasional cocktails before dinner I found that he was starting way early and going way late afterwards. Fast forward another year or two to where he was drinking in the daytime. Eventually drinking as soon as he got up in the morning and spending the rest of the day drunk or asleep (passed out). The disease of alcoholism is progressive. Without the A seeking and embracing recovery it only gets worse, not better. But the A can only decide for him/herself to find recovery. The three C's of alanon are some comfort to me: I did not CAUSE it, I cannot CONTROL it, I cannot CURE it. Your husband will or will not realize that he has a problem. He will or will not decide to find help. But whatever he does or doesn't do, you can take care of yourself. Alanon is a very big help in learning how to deal with an alcoholic loved one. Please think about attending alanon meetings in your area. And please keep coming back here. We care, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. I'm glad your recovery is beginning. If you read all the links provided by the "Sticky" items on the opening forum page, you will find helpful information.
As to your post heading:
He certainly fits all the criteria for alcoholism.
You can google "alcoholism self-test" and you will get links to questionnaires designed to answer the question of whether it is alcohol abuse or addiction. The National Council on Alcoholism, the Mayo Clinic....those websites will pop up in the links. You know him well enough to answer most of the questions.
Again, welcome. I also hope you'll try 6 Al-Anon meetings.
As to your post heading:
He certainly fits all the criteria for alcoholism.
You can google "alcoholism self-test" and you will get links to questionnaires designed to answer the question of whether it is alcohol abuse or addiction. The National Council on Alcoholism, the Mayo Clinic....those websites will pop up in the links. You know him well enough to answer most of the questions.
Again, welcome. I also hope you'll try 6 Al-Anon meetings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He crashed your car, he beat you.
Semantics don't really matter.
Is this the life you wanted?
I played that game, too. It helps you keep things ata distance if you analyze them instead of having to realize that dang, this isn't someone else's story, it's mine.
And you an write the next chapter yourself. What do you want it tobe?
Semantics don't really matter.
Is this the life you wanted?
I played that game, too. It helps you keep things ata distance if you analyze them instead of having to realize that dang, this isn't someone else's story, it's mine.
And you an write the next chapter yourself. What do you want it tobe?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Shell, it doesn't matter what he is.
What worked for me was to stop focusing on my AW and start focusing on me. I knew the life I had wasn't what I wanted and I knew I couldn't change her. One of the big things I learned here was the 3 Cs.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
So, I turned my attention to myself and said what can I change here to make ME happy. Something else I learned here, I'm allowed to be happy and I'm allowed to focus on my happiness.
One year later I have moved out (10 months ago) and I am now in the process of divorcing her. I don't know where my life is going but I do know that alcoholism is not part of it.
BTW, I am happy most of the time now. I even find myself smiling for no reason at all.
Your friend,
What worked for me was to stop focusing on my AW and start focusing on me. I knew the life I had wasn't what I wanted and I knew I couldn't change her. One of the big things I learned here was the 3 Cs.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
So, I turned my attention to myself and said what can I change here to make ME happy. Something else I learned here, I'm allowed to be happy and I'm allowed to focus on my happiness.
One year later I have moved out (10 months ago) and I am now in the process of divorcing her. I don't know where my life is going but I do know that alcoholism is not part of it.
BTW, I am happy most of the time now. I even find myself smiling for no reason at all.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome... you have arrived at a very safe place to share with others who understand exactly what you are going through.
There are a couple of things that jump out at me as areas you might want to spend some time thinking about.
I am ACOA ... adult child of an alcoholic. Society sees me as very successful but I am still battling the broken child inside that lived in a highly dysfunctional and scary home. Despite a minor in psychology, years of counseling I was still attracted to another addict personality and just ended a 4 year relationship with someone who chose not to stay in recovery over and over and over again.
Your kids are being affected in ways you will not be able to see... as kids we appear to be OK but we are not. We do not see healthy relationships and subconsciously we identify with the chaos, confusion and insanity. It becomes "home" and changes our brain chemistry.
In fact, if we are in a state of fear enough our bodies will actually destroy dendrites and they are gone forever. I was in fear so much as a child (my father was a very dangerous and violent drunk) I no longer have a fear response... my body has destroyed so many dendrites in my brain that will never regenerate I do not react normally in what should be fearful situations.
When our brain chemistries are screwed up and our childhood memories are filled with craziness we are attracted to the man who will light up our brains with drama and chaos.
I went into all that to let you know that your kids may appear to be OK but appearances do not have anything to do with how broken their picker may be when they grow up and base their choices on "feelings which are chemical in nature and hormones".
Dyfunctional alcoholism is a family disease and it becomes generational as the brokeness is passed along to our children. I begged my mother to get me out of the home but she was completely codependant and despite being a very smart woman in every other way I ended up like a zombie and just like her tried to "save my own alcoholic"!!!!
It is insanity. But I came by it honest and have broke brain sydrome. It is treatable. Keeps visiting this site. I recommend every day. Join alanon. Get a counselor. A family counselor well versed in addiction. Get your kids in counseling. Read books. Lots of books. Pray to your HP.
Take care of you. TAke care of your kids. And when you know that you know. Rescue yourself and those kids.
There are a couple of things that jump out at me as areas you might want to spend some time thinking about.
I am ACOA ... adult child of an alcoholic. Society sees me as very successful but I am still battling the broken child inside that lived in a highly dysfunctional and scary home. Despite a minor in psychology, years of counseling I was still attracted to another addict personality and just ended a 4 year relationship with someone who chose not to stay in recovery over and over and over again.
Your kids are being affected in ways you will not be able to see... as kids we appear to be OK but we are not. We do not see healthy relationships and subconsciously we identify with the chaos, confusion and insanity. It becomes "home" and changes our brain chemistry.
In fact, if we are in a state of fear enough our bodies will actually destroy dendrites and they are gone forever. I was in fear so much as a child (my father was a very dangerous and violent drunk) I no longer have a fear response... my body has destroyed so many dendrites in my brain that will never regenerate I do not react normally in what should be fearful situations.
When our brain chemistries are screwed up and our childhood memories are filled with craziness we are attracted to the man who will light up our brains with drama and chaos.
I went into all that to let you know that your kids may appear to be OK but appearances do not have anything to do with how broken their picker may be when they grow up and base their choices on "feelings which are chemical in nature and hormones".
Dyfunctional alcoholism is a family disease and it becomes generational as the brokeness is passed along to our children. I begged my mother to get me out of the home but she was completely codependant and despite being a very smart woman in every other way I ended up like a zombie and just like her tried to "save my own alcoholic"!!!!
It is insanity. But I came by it honest and have broke brain sydrome. It is treatable. Keeps visiting this site. I recommend every day. Join alanon. Get a counselor. A family counselor well versed in addiction. Get your kids in counseling. Read books. Lots of books. Pray to your HP.
Take care of you. TAke care of your kids. And when you know that you know. Rescue yourself and those kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Welcome to SR. The stickies at the top are very good. I've read them so many times!
I'm at my boiling point. He is 48 and I feel like nothing will change, except me walking away.
He is an alcoholic, I would say.
I'd say you are right on both counts.
Stick around and post/read. I found/find SR to be such a great source of support.
Originally Posted by Shell1370 
I'm at my boiling point. He is 48 and I feel like nothing will change, except me walking away.
He is an alcoholic, I would say.
Stick around and post/read. I found/find SR to be such a great source of support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone for the kind words of support, encouragement and sharing of your story akalacha ! It sounds just like us in the beginning. A relationship centered around bars. dancing, live music, pool leagues, events where there is alcohol..the "fun" of it as you say. I think I was too busy enjoying the "fun" to realize the mess I have gotten myself into.
Deep in my heart, I feel like wanted to believe it but, I didn't want to believe it. That I could deal with anything he threw at me. Well, I can't deal with that anymore. I have my own health to deal with and my teenage son and young adult son to deal with. Last Saturday in our argument that morning...he said some pretty hurtful things. I have barely said a word to him since, he is sleeping on the couch and he is trying to talk to me and act if nothing is wrong...like our problems will be swept under the rug. I am not having it.
Thank you for the lesson in the 3 C's! I get it. I understand it. Oh boy, do I ever!
I do want to say I began going to IC last week. Sorry, I failed to mention in the OP. My next appointment is Monday. I journaled everything that has happened like my counselor wanted me to, I even copied the Red Flag signs and highlighted the ones that personally effected me, so I could take into my next appointment.
I have been reading everything I can, the forum threads, I went to the library yesterday. The stories on here has helped tremendously to come to terms with my situation.
Where do I see myself in the next years? Not here. Living happily and making a life for myself. I have made up my mind not to put up with this anymore.
I'm gonna stick around, if my story and experiences help at least one person, my efforts were not in vain.
Once again...a big thank you to everyone!
Michelle
Deep in my heart, I feel like wanted to believe it but, I didn't want to believe it. That I could deal with anything he threw at me. Well, I can't deal with that anymore. I have my own health to deal with and my teenage son and young adult son to deal with. Last Saturday in our argument that morning...he said some pretty hurtful things. I have barely said a word to him since, he is sleeping on the couch and he is trying to talk to me and act if nothing is wrong...like our problems will be swept under the rug. I am not having it.
Thank you for the lesson in the 3 C's! I get it. I understand it. Oh boy, do I ever!
I do want to say I began going to IC last week. Sorry, I failed to mention in the OP. My next appointment is Monday. I journaled everything that has happened like my counselor wanted me to, I even copied the Red Flag signs and highlighted the ones that personally effected me, so I could take into my next appointment.
I have been reading everything I can, the forum threads, I went to the library yesterday. The stories on here has helped tremendously to come to terms with my situation.
Where do I see myself in the next years? Not here. Living happily and making a life for myself. I have made up my mind not to put up with this anymore.
I'm gonna stick around, if my story and experiences help at least one person, my efforts were not in vain.
Once again...a big thank you to everyone!
Michelle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 9
I'm still reading...
I read the Stickies....
"Alcoholism is a tragic three act play" and both part 1 and 2 of the "So, you think your special threads, it won't happen to you."
Oh my, how these hit hard and hit very close to home! I am his 3rd wife. I could see the last 5 years of my life being played out as I was reading.
I read the Stickies....
"Alcoholism is a tragic three act play" and both part 1 and 2 of the "So, you think your special threads, it won't happen to you."
Oh my, how these hit hard and hit very close to home! I am his 3rd wife. I could see the last 5 years of my life being played out as I was reading.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 9
Ahhhh, yes. A problem here, a problem in the here and now.
Correct, there is. Which brings me to the following things after all my reading, researching and understanding.
I have 2 choice as I see it. First, accept who he is, learn to deal with him without enabling him or becoming codependent or secondly, I can leave, divorce and never, ever, look back, taking with me my experiences and learning from my mistakes too.
I'm still hurt. I'm hurt from all the things he told me Saturday morning. Most of what he said was typical alcoholic responses as I learned yesterday thru all my reading. The realization of Act III, hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried, the first time I have cried, sobbed really. So, I am going to post them from my journal. This journal entry is going to my IC appointment on Monday.
Here is what he said....
It was my fault, yes, that is correct, that is what he said as the first thing out of his mouth, that is was my fault that he got drunk.
He works overtime for it..he can go drink if he chooses and spend how much he chooses.
That he is a drunk...deal with it, I knew from the beginning he liked to drink.
He will not quit drinking, he enjoys it.
I was told that he is not a bad husband, he doesn't cheat on me or beat me, that drinking is his worst problem.
I was told that I am selfish..oh, how this one angered me.
I was told that he was tired of me being sick all the time and dealing with that. (I have been sick with my thyroid not functioning correctly and have been diagnosed FINALLY with an autoimmune disease and now it is under control)
I was told that he likes who he is, despite all the health risk factors, that he would continue to drink, smoke and eat(He's Diabetic) what the hell he wanted. He made it perfectly clear he would not change any of these things, even when they are affecting his health thus affecting our intimacy in the bedroom. He didn't care when I expressed my concern about how bad his breath smells and it is the reason I don't kiss him. He retorted that I never liked to kiss him anyways. He still said I'm not changing.
I was told that he was not a romantic person and hurt my feelings by leading me to believe for 5 years how he worked hard planning for a week with our friends our engagement. He informed me that he really didn't work that hard, it was nothing to plan really. Da**I was hurt!
Once again, I was told I was being dramatic..I was nothing but, drama.
I was told that everyone thinks we have a perfect relationship and we are such a happy couple, that the only problem was me. I was causing the problems. That we have no problems. (My sister, sister in law, dad and mom can see all the problems)
I was told that to move to Texas without him. Until I left in June, he was not moving out, he would stay until I left and keep the house.
************************************************** ******
I know many of you have heard it all before. Some of these things are actually new to me, like the comment... I work for it, it is my money.
Like I said, I'm still hurt. He is sleeping on the couch. He comes home from work, I say nothing to him, I have nothing to say to him. He tries to play nicey nicey an try to talk to me as if nothing happened or nothing is wrong...sweep it under the rug. I'm just not having it. The house is tension filled.
Unfortunately, I have to stay in this house, I have no where to go until the first of June. When I go back home with my parents in Texas, I am moved for good then.
How does one cope? Do you try to get along with the AH? Go on with life? I'm just so hurt, I'm not sure I can get along with him.. I'm thankful he does not drink at home, and I will not be going anywhere with him with alcohol. I am thankful I go to IC, I will start next Tuesday going to Al Anon, I missed the meeting this week by one day. ODAAT.
Correct, there is. Which brings me to the following things after all my reading, researching and understanding.
I have 2 choice as I see it. First, accept who he is, learn to deal with him without enabling him or becoming codependent or secondly, I can leave, divorce and never, ever, look back, taking with me my experiences and learning from my mistakes too.
I'm still hurt. I'm hurt from all the things he told me Saturday morning. Most of what he said was typical alcoholic responses as I learned yesterday thru all my reading. The realization of Act III, hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried, the first time I have cried, sobbed really. So, I am going to post them from my journal. This journal entry is going to my IC appointment on Monday.
Here is what he said....
It was my fault, yes, that is correct, that is what he said as the first thing out of his mouth, that is was my fault that he got drunk.
He works overtime for it..he can go drink if he chooses and spend how much he chooses.
That he is a drunk...deal with it, I knew from the beginning he liked to drink.
He will not quit drinking, he enjoys it.
I was told that he is not a bad husband, he doesn't cheat on me or beat me, that drinking is his worst problem.
I was told that I am selfish..oh, how this one angered me.
I was told that he was tired of me being sick all the time and dealing with that. (I have been sick with my thyroid not functioning correctly and have been diagnosed FINALLY with an autoimmune disease and now it is under control)
I was told that he likes who he is, despite all the health risk factors, that he would continue to drink, smoke and eat(He's Diabetic) what the hell he wanted. He made it perfectly clear he would not change any of these things, even when they are affecting his health thus affecting our intimacy in the bedroom. He didn't care when I expressed my concern about how bad his breath smells and it is the reason I don't kiss him. He retorted that I never liked to kiss him anyways. He still said I'm not changing.
I was told that he was not a romantic person and hurt my feelings by leading me to believe for 5 years how he worked hard planning for a week with our friends our engagement. He informed me that he really didn't work that hard, it was nothing to plan really. Da**I was hurt!
Once again, I was told I was being dramatic..I was nothing but, drama.
I was told that everyone thinks we have a perfect relationship and we are such a happy couple, that the only problem was me. I was causing the problems. That we have no problems. (My sister, sister in law, dad and mom can see all the problems)
I was told that to move to Texas without him. Until I left in June, he was not moving out, he would stay until I left and keep the house.
************************************************** ******
I know many of you have heard it all before. Some of these things are actually new to me, like the comment... I work for it, it is my money.
Like I said, I'm still hurt. He is sleeping on the couch. He comes home from work, I say nothing to him, I have nothing to say to him. He tries to play nicey nicey an try to talk to me as if nothing happened or nothing is wrong...sweep it under the rug. I'm just not having it. The house is tension filled.
Unfortunately, I have to stay in this house, I have no where to go until the first of June. When I go back home with my parents in Texas, I am moved for good then.
How does one cope? Do you try to get along with the AH? Go on with life? I'm just so hurt, I'm not sure I can get along with him.. I'm thankful he does not drink at home, and I will not be going anywhere with him with alcohol. I am thankful I go to IC, I will start next Tuesday going to Al Anon, I missed the meeting this week by one day. ODAAT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 9
I sat down with my AH and had a talk, we talked for three hours in a civil, adult, not yelling, screaming manner.
I said what I needed to say, he said what he needed to say.
I learned more about him last night than I have know in 5 years of marriage. I learned that he was an A with his first wife, it was the reason for his divorce and he has been to rehab for 45 days and attended AA. I was shocked. Though he stated that he tried to be open about his drinking problem. He kept these facts from me. However, as much as he tried to be open, I wasn't ready to see the facts in front of my face.
He talked about quitting drinking for good, he did not want to see me walk away. He sincerely confessed to having a problem, he said that he was an alcoholic and has been for over 20 years. He said that he couldn't do this on his own, that he needed my support. He said that he was not doing this for me and not to be hurt by that fact, he was going to do it for himself.
He stated that he would go to AA, that we would go to marriage counseling. I told him that I would continue with my IC, as I do believe that I may have codie issues andneed get myself taken care of, I also told him I would be attending Al Anon meetings on Tues. nights so I learn how to take care of myself living with an A. He agreed that I was doing a good thing. I agreed that he was doing a good thing by deciding on taking care of himself.
We agreed that we needed to get back to square 1 of our relationship building blocks, as we were always at some kind of bar, alcohol related activity during our courtship, that really, we didn't have one. We are going to work on the romance, love and intimacy that alcohol took over.
Am I scared? More than life itself. I will be supportive. I do love him and when he is not drinking, has a heart of gold. However, I have doubts and skepticism in the back of my mind. I kept thinking of that Sticky...No, not me ever, I am special. I kept thinking back of what I have read on this site. I kept thinking that, if he has been to rehab and AA before, is he just telling me the things I want to hear? Is he manipulating me? For the time, I have put a wall around my heart.
I made it perfectly clear, should he relapse and I find myself in the same situation in a year from this date or even sooner, I would no longer be in his life. That, as I said, I would put up with no more.
I want to believe he will succeed, I want him to succeed. I know this journey won't be a bed of roses or all rainbows. That it will be an uphill, rocky road, dark storm clouds on the horizon battle.
I said what I needed to say, he said what he needed to say.
I learned more about him last night than I have know in 5 years of marriage. I learned that he was an A with his first wife, it was the reason for his divorce and he has been to rehab for 45 days and attended AA. I was shocked. Though he stated that he tried to be open about his drinking problem. He kept these facts from me. However, as much as he tried to be open, I wasn't ready to see the facts in front of my face.
He talked about quitting drinking for good, he did not want to see me walk away. He sincerely confessed to having a problem, he said that he was an alcoholic and has been for over 20 years. He said that he couldn't do this on his own, that he needed my support. He said that he was not doing this for me and not to be hurt by that fact, he was going to do it for himself.
He stated that he would go to AA, that we would go to marriage counseling. I told him that I would continue with my IC, as I do believe that I may have codie issues andneed get myself taken care of, I also told him I would be attending Al Anon meetings on Tues. nights so I learn how to take care of myself living with an A. He agreed that I was doing a good thing. I agreed that he was doing a good thing by deciding on taking care of himself.
We agreed that we needed to get back to square 1 of our relationship building blocks, as we were always at some kind of bar, alcohol related activity during our courtship, that really, we didn't have one. We are going to work on the romance, love and intimacy that alcohol took over.
Am I scared? More than life itself. I will be supportive. I do love him and when he is not drinking, has a heart of gold. However, I have doubts and skepticism in the back of my mind. I kept thinking of that Sticky...No, not me ever, I am special. I kept thinking back of what I have read on this site. I kept thinking that, if he has been to rehab and AA before, is he just telling me the things I want to hear? Is he manipulating me? For the time, I have put a wall around my heart.
I made it perfectly clear, should he relapse and I find myself in the same situation in a year from this date or even sooner, I would no longer be in his life. That, as I said, I would put up with no more.
I want to believe he will succeed, I want him to succeed. I know this journey won't be a bed of roses or all rainbows. That it will be an uphill, rocky road, dark storm clouds on the horizon battle.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Shell1370
Here is what he said....
It was my fault, yes, that is correct, that is what he said as the first thing out of his mouth, that is was my fault that he got drunk.
He works overtime for it..he can go drink if he chooses and spend how much he chooses.
That he is a drunk...deal with it, I knew from the beginning he liked to drink.
He will not quit drinking, he enjoys it.
I was told that I am selfish..oh, how this one angered me.
I was told that he likes who he is, despite all the health risk factors, that he would continue to drink, smoke and eat(He's Diabetic) what the hell he wanted. .
Luckily I am not married.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by Shell1370
He said that he couldn't do this on his own, that he needed my support.
If he needed my support to get sober, then when it didn't work out it was because I didn't support him enough. I didn't remind him enough about how he didn't want to drink (he'd run down to the parking lot at work to take a swig of whiskey out of his car about ten times a day), and I didn't remind him enough about how he wanted to drink more water instead (he passed two water fountains and the distilled water cooler from the water club he organized each time he ran to his car for the whiskey). I didn't control how much he drank enough, I wasn't forceful enough when talking to him to make him listen.
None of this was my fault. These were his responsibilities thrown onto me because he didn't want to acknowledge that the drinking was his choice, his decision, and his responsibility to quit.
Originally Posted by Shell1370
We agreed that we needed to get back to square 1 of our relationship building blocks
He nodded his head with tears in his eyes, told me that he understood, that my words hurt but that they made sense and that we would start over.
Two minutes later he was proposing on the concrete floor of the rehab as I sat in that little plastic orange chair, and when I told him no he looked up at me with denial in his eyes, "I know, I'm sorry, you want it to be special... Should I get you a ring?"
That was when I knew I wasn't getting through to him.
The next day he called me from rehab, told me he had been doing a lot of thinking about the things I had told him about my feelings, and that he was going to make everything right and gave me his action plan for doing so... Which involved me doing even more than I already did, and him doing pretty much nothing.
I went no-contact with him that afternoon, after leaving a voicemail message for his rehab therapist.
Not trying to rain on your parade, just trying to share with you my side of the story so that you can keep your eyes open.
Talk is easy to do, and my XABF was the king of conversation. He'd verbally abuse me when drunk and then everything was all sunshine and roses and Hallmark cards and expensive restaurants (that I ended up paying for) when he was sober.
"Oh, honey, I didn't mean to say all that... I didn't really mean it... When I'm drunk you just can't listen to anything I say, that's all... I really need to quit drinking, you don't know how much power you have over me, I really need you to make me quit... I'm sorry..."
I hope in your case he means what he says, and that this is the beginning of a turning point.
Just please be aware that just because he says it doesn't mean it's true. Look for the actions to match his words, or his words are just another hook to keep you stuck so you don't leave him to suffer his consequences himself.
A lady of my acquaintance said, “I don’t care so much for what they say as I do for what makes them say it.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Letters and Social Aims"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Words are great, actions are better. Good luck with rehab/recovery. Do your own recovery, so if (when) he lets you down, you'll already have a healthier life plan in place.
We have to live with the actual person, not our idealized version of who they could be/once were/have it in them to be.
Dreams die hard. Being free of the "crazy" is priceless!
We have to live with the actual person, not our idealized version of who they could be/once were/have it in them to be.
Dreams die hard. Being free of the "crazy" is priceless!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
