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Feeling Guilty for Going

Old 03-27-2012, 08:45 AM
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Feeling Guilty for Going

Well today is the third day in a row my AH has been sober in over a year. I broke down crying last night because he wants me to give him another change and I just don't think I can do it. I don't trust him anymore. He won't go to rehab or meetings, and I'm certain that he will start drinking again.

I'm so worried about the influence he is having on our boys. Last night he was helpful and it was probably the first time he was helpful and patient with the kids in a long time. I know he thinks I should give him another chance, but in my mind I've already left. I feel guilty for wanting to leave.

Last night I phoned my best friend in Australia sobbing and saying I think I should just stay, even though I know staying isn't good for me. I'm hardly eating. Am dropping pounds everyday (down to 119lb and I'm only 5'9).

Is this normal to feel a case of the guilts? He's still blaming the drinking on his old job and saying everyone there drank and that's the job he was dismissed from for drinking and has been a alcoholic ever since. I did confront him last night and ask if he had a drinking problem before we met and he said yes. I really wish I had known that before.
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:34 AM
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Personally, I think the greatest tool that we use is "guilt" We feel guilty because we care. You most likely you hope and dream that life will really change if he only would stop drinking. We only should feel guilty if we have done something wrong. If we havent then we are not guilty of any wrong doing.
You wrote: I'm so worried about the influence he is having on our boys. I have two children over 18 and alcoholism played a huge part in the growing up years.

Here is saying that has helped me:

Once if a FLUKE
Twice is a COINCIDENCE
Three times is a PATTERN
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:40 AM
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Thanks Alanonic. I'm gravely concerned about the influence on the boys. They are only 3 (they're twins) but I already see one of them breaking away from him and the other has just started to walk up to AH and hit in playfully in the stomach or groin. I've never hit my AH and he has never hit me (he is a happy, comatose drunk), so I'm wondering if he is acting out.

I'm actually going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week and will be starting counselling soon. I'm 99% sure I'm making the right decision, but yeah the guilt factor is still huge. I still care for him, but I don't think enough that I can live with him anymore.
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:45 AM
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Once you get out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt), you will think better and your recovery will help your children as well. Take care, you are doing what is right for you.
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:55 AM
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Alanon is great!! At first its strange but keep going and the people will start to open up. Go to differnent ones, too. You will find your "home" meeting. You will see how we all have similar lives.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:03 AM
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Your #1 priority is to keep those boys safe --- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I separated from my husband of 16 years about 11 months ago. My husband has been drinking alcoholically for about 8 years, he's one of those 'functioning' alcoholics who drinks in secret and everybody thought we were the perfect couple/family. We have four kids, ages 11, 14, 17 and 18. I swear, they were so little just yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, to initiate separating our family. The day I asked my husband to leave, I felt like I was standing at this precipice, knowing I was going to change my kids' lives forever. They weren't even totally aware that dad was an alcoholic, but his behavior was confusing for them and very very stressful for all of us. And I was very troubled that they (2 girls, 2 boys) were learning extremely toxic patterns of relating. It just got so that one day I could not take it anymore.

I love my husband so much and for all the Al Anon work in detachment, etc it still pains me exquisitely to see him choose this life. BUT I could not in good conscience, as a responsible, decent mother who took on the immense responsibility of PROTECTING the children I brought into this world, continue to expose them to his shenanigans. Don't feel bad about leaving ---- feel bad about staying. Your boys are so young, you have a chance to move on and they won't remember much now. Wait a few years and it will be far more complicated, more damaging to them to leave their dad, and you will be all the more beat down. Don't be afraid to stand up for what's right, and make it happen.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
he's one of those 'functioning' alcoholics who drinks in secret and everybody thought we were the perfect couple/family.
This is totally my situation. He is outgoing on the alcohol and a lot of people are surprised when I tell them he has had a problem. Just today I had to apologise to a client of his for his behavior and neglect that made her take her business elsewhere.

I'm so glad to hear from others that I'm doing the right thing. I had a real weak moment last night when it didn't feel like it. When I'm around him and he's doing good I feel torn, but I don't love him anymore and I can't erase all the stress and turmoil he's put our family under.

My boys are really confused. They don't understand why Daddy has "naps" and "stays at home sick". One has even started saying he's sick so he can stay at home instead of going to daycare (even though they love their daycare). I'm pretty sure if I stayed I'd need to take them to counselling too.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:24 AM
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Quote:
What Addicts Do

My name is _________
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:47 AM
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This is a great classic reading sticky that helped me process my guilt about leaving, even though my XAH was abusive, delusional and all around not a great person. Sure, he was remorseful, when he thought it could sway me, and yes, he pleaded. I just focused on my little girl, imagined her growing up to marry a man like him, and it kept me from caving. Letting go of guilt
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
This is a great classic reading sticky that helped me process my guilt about leaving, even though my XAH was abusive, delusional and all around not a great person. Sure, he was remorseful, when he thought it could sway me, and yes, he pleaded. I just focused on my little girl, imagined her growing up to marry a man like him, and it kept me from caving.
THANKYOU! That was an awesome article. I especially can relate to the "it could be much worse". My AH would tell me well least I'm not on drugs and I don't hit you.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Alanonic View Post
Quote:
What Addicts Do

My name is _________
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect.
Thats exactly how I've felt for months and months. I've tried to do way more than I need to, making sure house is tidy, kids are well behaved, doing everything to make him see what I'm doing and hope he will kick his drinking habit but it doesn't work.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by booksanddolls View Post
THANKYOU! That was an awesome article. I especially can relate to the "it could be much worse". My AH would tell me well least I'm not on drugs and I don't hit you.
And I think you're starting to realize that not hitting you and not being on drugs is the BARE friggin minimum of a relationship.

Now that I am single, I've decided to put together a list of the things I want in a partner, to keep myself from falling for the first person who just happens to show interest in me. The first item on the list will be "no addiction (drugs, alcohol, s*x/porn, videogames, cigarettes)" because I simply refuse to deal with that again. And obviously, any form of abuse is a deal breaker.

Maybe it would help you to start fleshing out your own list, not because you're out there looking for someone else, but simply to remind yourself of what is not acceptable to you anymore...
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:24 AM
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nodaybut2day - that is a great idea! Yeah there is a lot of stuff that I don't want in a future partner. No addictions is one thing for sure.

My AH's best friend thinks that perhaps he had an addictive personality as he used to be a chain smoker as well, and there were other addictions.

For me its no more addictions. I'm the complete opposite. There is nothing in my life I can't live without, except my kids of course! Love those little guys.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:26 AM
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I did a list, I wrote the things I wanted in a relationship and the ones I did not, it was an eye opener, my new boyfriend has just about all the I wants and maybe one or two of the I do not want, so now I know what I need to work on, because to receive I must also give, I put MY NAME on the top of the list so I know who I want to be and who I don't.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:42 AM
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I have to agree with what everyone else here is posting. One of the best things I learned here is that it is ok to take care of myself and that I really don't need someone to complete me, I am enough just as I am.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:52 AM
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Everyone is seconding what my family, friends and the little voice in my head is saying. I need take care of myself and my children. After this turmoil I'm not sure I could face a relationship for a very long time.

Right now I'm all about making short term goals to try to figure out what I am doing next. If I can get over the legal hurdle of custody of my children, we can figure out what our new life is going to be like.
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:02 PM
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Sounds like you know what you need to do, I respect you tremedously for taking the steps to make your and your childrens life peaceful.

I just thought I would tell you , I grew up in a family where my father was a very violent and relentless alcoholic, the scars it has left in my life are apparent still, but I am healing them everyday.

I always wished when I was a child that my mother would take me out of there, she never did. Everything about me would be different I am sure. I am not trying to put more guilt on you, what I wrote is straight up how I feel, and I wouldn't trade my life for any other one, children deserve peace, not the chaos and terror of a father who can't get a hold of his life.

But with a Mom like you, they can't go wrong , I mean that!!! I never once heard my mother say she was worried about how it was affecting myself and my bothers, thanks for saying it . The kid inside me loved it

:ghug3
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
Sounds like you know what you need to do, I respect you tremedously for taking the steps to make your and your childrens life peaceful.

I just thought I would tell you , I grew up in a family where my father was a very violent and relentless alcoholic, the scars it has left in my life are apparent still, but I am healing them everyday.

I always wished when I was a child that my mother would take me out of there, she never did. Everything about me would be different I am sure. I am not trying to put more guilt on you, what I wrote is straight up how I feel, and I wouldn't trade my life for any other one, children deserve peace, not the chaos and terror of a father who can't get a hold of his life.

But with a Mom like you, they can't go wrong , I mean that!!! I never once heard my mother say she was worried about how it was affecting myself and my bothers, thanks for saying it . The kid inside me loved it

:ghug3
Ok Katie a big :ghug3! Thank you for saying that.

In my heart I know I'm doing the right thing, and over two years of this behavior can't erase a couple of days of good behavior. I'm already seeing the adverse affects of his drinking on my children and they are only 3. I couldn't imagine a lifetime of it. What has pulled me through is thinking what would my kids say when they are 18? Would they wonder why I never had the strength to leave. That is what reassures me that this is the right decision for me.

I know a few people find the peace to live with a alcoholic, but I don't think I'm that person.
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Old 03-27-2012, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by booksanddolls View Post
. What has pulled me through is thinking what would my kids say when they are 18? Would they wonder why I never had the strength to leave. That is what reassures me that this is the right decision for me.

I know a few people find the peace to live with a alcoholic, but I don't think I'm that person.
Both my boys left home as soon as they turned 18, even b4 they graduated from high school, they rather lived with a friend sleeping on the floor than in our beautiful upper middle class home.
Now that I am divorce they tell me how much they wished I had left him years ago.
No, we don't do our kids a favor by staying in a dysfuntional home.
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Old 03-27-2012, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by ODAT63 View Post
Both my boys left home as soon as they turned 18, even b4 they graduated from high school, they rather lived with a friend sleeping on the floor than in our beautiful upper middle class home.
Now that I am divorce they tell me how much they wished I had left him years ago.
No, we don't do our kids a favor by staying in a dysfuntional home.
I have said that to my AH about what kind of role model I am for the boys and he just stares at me.

He's told me today that he is going for a physical and asked for the number of the therapist I am now seeing. Part of me feels happy that he is getting the help he needs, but mostly I am just tired of it and want a clean break from it all. I suspect that he will just do it again and again. I keep wonder how long this sober phase will last!
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