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Old 03-28-2012, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by booksanddolls View Post
He's told me today that he is going for a physical and asked for the number of the therapist I am now seeing. Part of me feels happy that he is getting the help he needs, but mostly I am just tired of it and want a clean break from it all. I suspect that he will just do it again and again.
Yes, trust your instinct. He SAYS he's going for a physical, and he's ASKED for the number of a therapist. These are words. Pretty easy to pull them out at the last minute when he's starting to realize that you might be sliping out of his grasp. Now what has he DONE? Remember to look at actions.

And sometimes, even though someone takes action, it's too little too late. My XAH could have thrown himself into AA and therapy by the time I was ready to leave, and I still would have left. He broke me and our marriage. There was nothing left to salvage...except me and my little girl.
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Old 03-28-2012, 06:37 AM
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I have to agree with noday, the first thing that popped into my head was manipulation to keep you attached.

Your friend,
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:02 AM
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I can't really add to the advice or words of wisdom already posted so I'll just echo it I mostly just wanted to send you some support. I thought I would crack in half at the stress of breaking up my family.

Originally Posted by booksanddolls View Post
Everyone is seconding what my family, friends and the little voice in my head is saying. I need take care of myself and my children. After this turmoil I'm not sure I could face a relationship for a very long time.

Right now I'm all about making short term goals to try to figure out what I am doing next. If I can get over the legal hurdle of custody of my children, we can figure out what our new life is going to be like.
This is wonderful to read. You are going to be OK, better then OK!! I did see a counselor very short term. It was very very helpful at the time so don't hesitate to do that for yourself.

I was so enmeshed in the belief that keeping my family together, no matter how miserable I was, WAS the thing to do to protect my children. It was the answer to being a good mother and doing the best for my boys. It was a dysfunctional way to think for sure. Once I began to let reality sink in a little I saw my 3yos (twins too) follow him around the yard on their little mowers, my older boys looked up at him with nothing more then a little boys admiration and wanting to be just like their dad - and as things progressed with just a smidgen of unease. Such sadness and confusion at the broken promises when he failed to follow through (because he passed out or no motivation to do much). It was so scary for me to see that. I had a flash in my head of them all following behind him, like little ducklings, stumbling right into that black hole of alcoholism.

I'm not sure they really get it yet, and I've let go of that outcome. They may never understand my decision to divorce their dad. But that is OK. I am their mom and I just make the next right decision and do the best I can and I'm an adult. I can see the big picture even if they can't and maybe never will.
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post

I always wished when I was a child that my mother would take me out of there, she never did. Everything about me would be different I am sure. I am not trying to put more guilt on you, what I wrote is straight up how I feel, and I wouldn't trade my life for any other one, children deserve peace, not the chaos and terror of a father who can't get a hold of his life.

But with a Mom like you, they can't go wrong , I mean that!!! I never once heard my mother say she was worried about how it was affecting myself and my bothers, thanks for saying it . The kid inside me loved it

:ghug3
I used to BEG my mother to take us away from the insanity of our abusive, mean alcoholic father but she was emeshed and totally codependent and he threatened to burn the house down and kill us all.

All of my siblings are bearing the scars of being ACOA and all made poor choices in choosing mates including myself.

My brother, the only boy, was the most damaged as he was the youngest and alcoholism is progressive...what he suffered is unbelievable. He became a very bad alcoholic himself and still struggles with the disease although is doing pretty well right now.

Get the kids out! Legal seperation and divorce are powerful forces... you get out of the insanity and dad gets a chance to work on himself without you being used or a crutch.

What is wrong with a year seperation? See if he really gets into counseling, real recovery and where he is in a year. You can always reconcile and even remarry if you choose to divorce... if it is meant to be it will.

I hated the egg shells... waiting for the shoe to drop... looking for "signs" of drinking, wanting to "run" the recovery program... no... take a year vacation and let him sort it all out on his lonesome.

Wish I had done that 4 years ago instead of riding the alcoholic crazy train that just goes around the same track over and over and over again always to same exact station... Boozeville.
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:38 AM
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Thanks everyone for the wonderful support.

I told him last night that it was over. It actually went surprisingly well. He has been sober for three days now, and he begged me to give him another chance. I told him that I begged him four months ago to stop drinking and he said he couldn't. It's funny because I must still care because I had some tears when I went to sleep but I know this is for the best.
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:48 AM
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Please be prepared for things to get worse. It is not unusual for people (the alcoholic) to go off the rails a little bit once the reality of what you've just discussed sets in. I know my husband did and I regret not being better prepared for that and not having stronger boundaries set in place.
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Old 03-28-2012, 08:03 AM
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Careful Books

Just a tiny smidgen I would add (as everyone else has given rock solid advice/input/feedback): be careful of sharing the same therapist, as the possibility of a manipulation of the situation could arise. Example: "Well, Dr. Smith said that I shouldn't drink/use, but I know its just because you told him/her thats the way it should be." I hope you see my point on that. This has happened. It isn't pretty after that. And, of course, its not the Dr. doing anything but their job; and it's not you plotting with the Dr., but in the mind of the addict: "LET THE BLAME GAME COMMENCE." A funny thing that I picture when AW starts shifting blame and justifying (anything) is a second rate magician with the follow the ball in the cup trick but using clear plastic cups; and see it full on with like the really bad lounge lizard tux, and naturally the glass of scotch hidden under the table. Try it, but for (enter diety here)'s sake try not to giggle to his face (bad time). Besides if he REALLY wants help he will seek it out himself. Hope you get a smile from this and a message. And I hope this didn't seem like I'm making light of a situation, it is serious, but serious doesn't have to mean all stern-face and no smiles/laughter. Laughing helps (even sometimes when it's during a serious situation). Don't "rock-on" rocks dont go anywhere--"roll-on".
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:42 AM
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I am going through something similar right now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to leave and he can feel it. He's been helpful, nicer, less demanding and we haven't fought in days. Says he is trying, not drinking as much...and then I caught him in a lie about drinking. He keeps talking about our future and I sit there and feel sad and guilty. It's hard, but I keep telling myself I deserve better...I hope I believe it soon, I'm getting closer every day.
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Alanonic View Post
Personally, I think the greatest tool that we use is "guilt" We feel guilty because we care. You most likely you hope and dream that life will really change if he only would stop drinking. We only should feel guilty if we have done something wrong. If we havent then we are not guilty of any wrong doing.
You wrote: I'm so worried about the influence he is having on our boys. I have two children over 18 and alcoholism played a huge part in the growing up years.

Here is saying that has helped me:

Once if a FLUKE
Twice is a COINCIDENCE
Three times is a PATTERN
I like that saying! It applies well to figuring out if one lives with an A partner.
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by OnTheRise View Post
Just a tiny smidgen I would add (as everyone else has given rock solid advice/input/feedback): be careful of sharing the same therapist, as the possibility of a manipulation of the situation could arise. Example: "Well, Dr. Smith said that I shouldn't drink/use, but I know its just because you told him/her thats the way it should be." I hope you see my point on that. This has happened. It isn't pretty after that. And, of course, its not the Dr. doing anything but their job; and it's not you plotting with the Dr., but in the mind of the addict: "LET THE BLAME GAME COMMENCE." A funny thing that I picture when AW starts shifting blame and justifying (anything) is a second rate magician with the follow the ball in the cup trick but using clear plastic cups; and see it full on with like the really bad lounge lizard tux, and naturally the glass of scotch hidden under the table. Try it, but for (enter diety here)'s sake try not to giggle to his face (bad time). Besides if he REALLY wants help he will seek it out himself. Hope you get a smile from this and a message. And I hope this didn't seem like I'm making light of a situation, it is serious, but serious doesn't have to mean all stern-face and no smiles/laughter. Laughing helps (even sometimes when it's during a serious situation). Don't "rock-on" rocks dont go anywhere--"roll-on".
I actually gave him the name and number of a therapist I don't go to anymore. I was definitely leery of going to the same therapist. For now I'm in Al Anon and when I get settled I'm going to start some therapy/counselling.
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Krys View Post
I am going through something similar right now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to leave and he can feel it. He's been helpful, nicer, less demanding and we haven't fought in days. Says he is trying, not drinking as much...and then I caught him in a lie about drinking. He keeps talking about our future and I sit there and feel sad and guilty. It's hard, but I keep telling myself I deserve better...I hope I believe it soon, I'm getting closer every day.
I'm with you on that Krys. My AH has been so good with the kids the last three days and tries to make a joke and be nice to me, but unfortunately now I know the kind of person he can be and I don't want to be with that person.
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:11 AM
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Just try to remember (and I will try too! lol) that being nice, supportive, not yelling etc is great, but it is not an apology or admitting you have a problem, it is a way around an apology, it is manipulation.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:30 PM
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Fog - Fear Obligation Guilt. Isn't that the truth.
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