How to being so out of control and mistrustful? New here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 8
How to being so out of control and mistrustful? New here!
Hello,
I have been searching for a place to get advice and some outside perspective on my boyfriend and sons father's addictions.
Back story:
I met him in 2008 at a homeless shelter and rehabilitation program because he was fresh out of jail (for pot) and needed to find a place to go. He ended up liking it there and the people were very supportive and introduced him to christianity and God and prayer. He admitted he was an alcoholic and started to attend meetings and whatnot. I met him 2 mos pafter he arrived. I was almost 16 and he was 21...kind of not a good sign I should have known better.
The reason I met him there was because my mother worked there in the medical facility and I would volunteer there because I was homeschooled. He left about 5 mos after he got there to their next step program which was more like apartment living. We exchanged numbers and talked for hours a day. A year later he had a slip up thinking he could drink again...and it seemed that he could. Hell, I drank with him and smoked weed with him. He went to school to be a nurse and was doing well I didnt think it truly was a problem. Hed always say maybe it was just where he was living with his junkie friends and his selling drugs and being around the hard core party scene...I believed him. I was 14 and tried heroin twice and then stopped. Tried opiates then stopped. Fast forward 2 years...
In december 2010 I found out I was pregnant. He was living at his own apartment and working as a nurse and seemingly doing well. In early 2011 he moved to his dads house because it would be rent free and he got a job out there. It was about an hour away from mine. My mom was pretty disappointed in all this btw...me being pregnant by this guy, but she really loved him like a son. As my pregnancy went on it became very taxing on me physically and emotionally. I didnt really want anything to do wih him...he wanted sex or cuddling and I just didnt feel like it. I contemplated breaking up but I couldnt and I didnt even know why I wanted to. Hormones! Anyway, I think this emotional distance set us up. I later found out he did things he never would have and lied about. We are a fairly jealous couple and he went to a strip club with many old friends women included while I was about 8 mos pregnant. He got extremely drunk and drove his friends home and went 100 on a bac road for fun.
August - February:
My son was born 8/17/11. He was gorgeous and the new joy of my life. SO was so awkward with taking care of him and avoided it. I resented him for that and still kind of do. He would stay at my house a few days and then go back to his...and I remember my sons 4 month shots came and he went to a friends that night to smoke and drink he slept over. Thinking of this now I dont know how I didnt flip out. He didnt really imteract with our son that much and I remember crying about feeling so isolated and alone amd had to stop breastfeeding to get on post partum depression meds. He also lost his job in november and didnt bother getting a new one saying couldnt find one little did I know he had been suspended several times under suspicion of drug stealing whicj he did in fact do he later admitted. So any money he had he got from working a min wage job 4 times a week didnt really help it did pay for our cigarettes though im ashamed to admit. But i recall one day I needed baby formula well prior to asking him he said do you and (my girl friend) wanna have some wine I said no because he was tight on money he said whats 12 dollars he boyght it drank it all and when I asked that night for him to get formula he said he couldnt afford it! Also from aug til jan he had multiple throat and a minor stomach surgeries and was prescribed pain meds. This became an issue also. He would volunteer with my mom as a nurse and was stealing her narcotics. My mother who let him in her home he practically lived here and paid for hos child which isnt cheap while I do college and raise him. She forgave us for getting pregnant and bought him so much food and everything and he did this to her! Not even rhe worst part. In mid feb My mother got a call from a pharmacy that a prescription faxed from her work looked suspicious. He used her pad and wrote himself one...could have gotten my mom fired or in legal trouble! Her company madr him go to rehab or hed go to jail. He chose rehab now hes in a halfway house til sept. I also am an addict but not with drugs or alcohol my problem has akways been with love and sex addiction. I had broken up woth him a couple times to skeep with other people all before I got pregnant though and now with him gone it is very hard for me to cope but Ive attended meetings for this and I dont want to do this anymore I have a beautiful son. Why did my bf decide to do these things not only to me and my mother but most of all our little baby? It breaks my heart and enrages me. My son is 7 mos and will be 1 by the time his dad is out. Its so depressing and I was wondering
if anyone had any advice on how to support him and get past the anger? How to begin to trust? How to not be paranoid about the future? How can he possibly change? He still lies sometimes to this day they may he little but just be honest for once, you can get any lower. Also, hes bipolar so they say, though he never has depressive episodes. My mother whos a psych nurse practitioner thinks he has antisocial personality disorder. I just wanna know if its possible to have a marriage or good relatuonship later on? Thanks sorry this is so long!!
I have been searching for a place to get advice and some outside perspective on my boyfriend and sons father's addictions.
Back story:
I met him in 2008 at a homeless shelter and rehabilitation program because he was fresh out of jail (for pot) and needed to find a place to go. He ended up liking it there and the people were very supportive and introduced him to christianity and God and prayer. He admitted he was an alcoholic and started to attend meetings and whatnot. I met him 2 mos pafter he arrived. I was almost 16 and he was 21...kind of not a good sign I should have known better.
The reason I met him there was because my mother worked there in the medical facility and I would volunteer there because I was homeschooled. He left about 5 mos after he got there to their next step program which was more like apartment living. We exchanged numbers and talked for hours a day. A year later he had a slip up thinking he could drink again...and it seemed that he could. Hell, I drank with him and smoked weed with him. He went to school to be a nurse and was doing well I didnt think it truly was a problem. Hed always say maybe it was just where he was living with his junkie friends and his selling drugs and being around the hard core party scene...I believed him. I was 14 and tried heroin twice and then stopped. Tried opiates then stopped. Fast forward 2 years...
In december 2010 I found out I was pregnant. He was living at his own apartment and working as a nurse and seemingly doing well. In early 2011 he moved to his dads house because it would be rent free and he got a job out there. It was about an hour away from mine. My mom was pretty disappointed in all this btw...me being pregnant by this guy, but she really loved him like a son. As my pregnancy went on it became very taxing on me physically and emotionally. I didnt really want anything to do wih him...he wanted sex or cuddling and I just didnt feel like it. I contemplated breaking up but I couldnt and I didnt even know why I wanted to. Hormones! Anyway, I think this emotional distance set us up. I later found out he did things he never would have and lied about. We are a fairly jealous couple and he went to a strip club with many old friends women included while I was about 8 mos pregnant. He got extremely drunk and drove his friends home and went 100 on a bac road for fun.
August - February:
My son was born 8/17/11. He was gorgeous and the new joy of my life. SO was so awkward with taking care of him and avoided it. I resented him for that and still kind of do. He would stay at my house a few days and then go back to his...and I remember my sons 4 month shots came and he went to a friends that night to smoke and drink he slept over. Thinking of this now I dont know how I didnt flip out. He didnt really imteract with our son that much and I remember crying about feeling so isolated and alone amd had to stop breastfeeding to get on post partum depression meds. He also lost his job in november and didnt bother getting a new one saying couldnt find one little did I know he had been suspended several times under suspicion of drug stealing whicj he did in fact do he later admitted. So any money he had he got from working a min wage job 4 times a week didnt really help it did pay for our cigarettes though im ashamed to admit. But i recall one day I needed baby formula well prior to asking him he said do you and (my girl friend) wanna have some wine I said no because he was tight on money he said whats 12 dollars he boyght it drank it all and when I asked that night for him to get formula he said he couldnt afford it! Also from aug til jan he had multiple throat and a minor stomach surgeries and was prescribed pain meds. This became an issue also. He would volunteer with my mom as a nurse and was stealing her narcotics. My mother who let him in her home he practically lived here and paid for hos child which isnt cheap while I do college and raise him. She forgave us for getting pregnant and bought him so much food and everything and he did this to her! Not even rhe worst part. In mid feb My mother got a call from a pharmacy that a prescription faxed from her work looked suspicious. He used her pad and wrote himself one...could have gotten my mom fired or in legal trouble! Her company madr him go to rehab or hed go to jail. He chose rehab now hes in a halfway house til sept. I also am an addict but not with drugs or alcohol my problem has akways been with love and sex addiction. I had broken up woth him a couple times to skeep with other people all before I got pregnant though and now with him gone it is very hard for me to cope but Ive attended meetings for this and I dont want to do this anymore I have a beautiful son. Why did my bf decide to do these things not only to me and my mother but most of all our little baby? It breaks my heart and enrages me. My son is 7 mos and will be 1 by the time his dad is out. Its so depressing and I was wondering
if anyone had any advice on how to support him and get past the anger? How to begin to trust? How to not be paranoid about the future? How can he possibly change? He still lies sometimes to this day they may he little but just be honest for once, you can get any lower. Also, hes bipolar so they say, though he never has depressive episodes. My mother whos a psych nurse practitioner thinks he has antisocial personality disorder. I just wanna know if its possible to have a marriage or good relatuonship later on? Thanks sorry this is so long!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed.
The reason your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) lies, steals, and does other unacceptable behaviors is because he is an addict. He may have a different face, name and age than my addicted love one - but the behaviors are the same.
When I first came to SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction:
I did not Cause it
I will not Control it
I can not Cure it
It wasn't easy to accept those concepts. I kept thinking my love could heal him, and I kept hoping he would change for me and our children.
Then I started attending Alanon meetings. At Al-anon meetings I learned about 12 steps to help me because I loved an alcoholic. The meetings are full of people just like you and I and they offered me support and information. I learned about my power over my partners addiction through step one:
1. We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.
Wow! I was in a room filled with people who understood how crazy my life had become! (just like here at SR)
I continued attending Alanon, and reading here at SR. I read in the sticky posts alot. The stickies are older permanent posts at the top of this forum page. They contain some of our stories and they contain tons of wisdom. Here is one of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed.
The reason your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) lies, steals, and does other unacceptable behaviors is because he is an addict. He may have a different face, name and age than my addicted love one - but the behaviors are the same.
When I first came to SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction:
I did not Cause it
I will not Control it
I can not Cure it
It wasn't easy to accept those concepts. I kept thinking my love could heal him, and I kept hoping he would change for me and our children.
Then I started attending Alanon meetings. At Al-anon meetings I learned about 12 steps to help me because I loved an alcoholic. The meetings are full of people just like you and I and they offered me support and information. I learned about my power over my partners addiction through step one:
1. We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.
Wow! I was in a room filled with people who understood how crazy my life had become! (just like here at SR)
I continued attending Alanon, and reading here at SR. I read in the sticky posts alot. The stickies are older permanent posts at the top of this forum page. They contain some of our stories and they contain tons of wisdom. Here is one of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 8
Thank you pelican!! That was def an interesting and I must admit hard to digest article. My problem is definitley not enabling, but anger and guilt tripping. Maybe I do enable him by driving to visit him though...its 1.5 hours away... Thank again I really appareciate it 
hopefully I can take that wisdom and use it for my boyfriend...
hopefully I can take that wisdom and use it for my boyfriend...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome and congratulations on your little one, gunshy.
Well...where to begin...I suppose you are hoping to hear some success stories and wise advice on how to get this relationship back on track and headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, I doubt most here will have that to offer. See the three C's above - that pretty much sums it up. There is nothing you can do, even having his baby, that will change his behavior. That he has to do himself.
So how about changing the focus from him and this relationship to you and your son. What can you do to become the best Mom you can be? How can you insure this little guy has everything you want him to have in life? What can you do to work on your personal issues right now so you can have a healthy relationship for yourself in the future? Find your own internal sense of self worth?
Maybe its time to let the BF be and work on himself while you work on yourself.
Take good care,
~T
Well...where to begin...I suppose you are hoping to hear some success stories and wise advice on how to get this relationship back on track and headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, I doubt most here will have that to offer. See the three C's above - that pretty much sums it up. There is nothing you can do, even having his baby, that will change his behavior. That he has to do himself.
So how about changing the focus from him and this relationship to you and your son. What can you do to become the best Mom you can be? How can you insure this little guy has everything you want him to have in life? What can you do to work on your personal issues right now so you can have a healthy relationship for yourself in the future? Find your own internal sense of self worth?
Maybe its time to let the BF be and work on himself while you work on yourself.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 8
Thanks tuffgirl...yeah I told him as much the other day...I said I told you we were going to hve time apart to do what we gotta do and not worry about the other...its just so hard but I know I have to prioritize. I wish there were more uplifting stories and I wish I could believe him when he says hes never going to use again. But instead it makes me laugh or cry. I need to let him be for now. What irritated me though was when he said if I cant forget about this then hell have to remove me from his life because if somethings stressful you remove it. This hurt me...I wonder if I should take that advice myself and remove him 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
This hurt me...I wonder if I should take that advice myself and remove him
From what you have written, it seems your bf still does not get it, or is unable or unwilling to do the work it takes to be in recovery.
You are young gunshy, and naivete comes with being young.
That's okay, there is nothing wrong with that, you have some lessons to learn, and NONE of them can come from your bf.
Find some other support. AlAnon. Family groups. Mommy groups. Take some college courses. Did you finish high school? If not, get the GED.
Take care of you and that baby.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by gunshy 
I feel too young for this...so naive.
It's not easy. I resented XAH (ex-alcoholic-husband - hmmm, maybe that should be AXH: alcoholic ex-husband, any way...) for rarely (and I do mean rarely) helping with DS. I still sometimes resent him for his failure to be the type of father I think DS should have. That's what it boils down to. I expect AXH to behave a certain way with DS. AXH is simply not capable of doing that. I don't know if his father was never that way, or if there's just something 'broken' in AXH, or if it's just the alcoholism. I will never know. The point is, AXH is just not able to be the type of father I expect him to be. I expect him to be my idea of a dad; my expectations are let down; I am hurt, angry... on my behalf and on DS's behalf. When I'm able to let go of those expectations, I'm not (as) hurt or angry.
Which is easier said than done. Recognition of what's behind the emotions is a key step to being able to let go of them, or let them wash by, or fade...
Hugs for you and your little one.
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