Marytherboo

A month after I threw AH out and decided to file for separation, he's in rehab (Salvation Army, 6-month program where he works 40 hours/week to offset costs) and I'm finding much to enjoy about my newly independent life. I got a promotion, am planning a trip, hired someone to do some much-needed home and yard work, am exercising and spending time with friends. Best of all, after working 7 days a week for 2 years, it looks like I can start taking every other weekend off!

The month has been a total mess until the last few days. Suicide threats/attempts, a mental health hospitalization, unbelievable quacking and flailing to try and manipulate me into restoring the old, toxic status quo. But I kept my distance and this is what he chose to do.

My question is how best to think about contact with AH while he is in rehab. We are currently no contact per rehab policy, and I'm finding that pretty comfortable. But in a couple of weeks he will have earned phone call privileges and after that the right to have visits. The rehab also has family counseling sessions.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I'm making no promises about a future with AH, and he knows it will be years before I share a home with him again, even if he does stay sober, work a program, get a job and a place of his own, etc. I'm not making any plans that depend on him at this point. But at the same time I do want to support him in his effort to make a better life for himself and I do want to see and talk to him occasionally. When he's sober and not in a position where he can trash my life, I actually enjoy his company. Any experience, strength and hope out there?

lillamy

You. Owe. Him. NothIng.

That's the start.

Whatever you want to do beyond that, put your own recovery first.

suki44883

When they finally get help, sometimes, it's just too late. If you prefer your life without him, then do that. You don't owe him anything. He has his hands full dealing with his current situation, so you just keep doing what you are doing and don't worry about the future.

naive

you actually have a few weeks prior to making that decision. it might be wise to delay this decsion and see how you feel in a few weeks. i would imagine that you will gain more insight and your choice will become clear.

m1k3

When in doubt, do nothing. Be patient and wait for wisdom. I separated from my AW almost a year ago and just recently filed for divorce. I needed time to get my head together and decide what I wanted out of life.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Great advice, I second everyone's input so far. And there is definitely more to be revealed, so try to keep the focus on one day at a time so you don't get all caught up in the future tripping and the what ifs. We can't control those anyway! ; )

Nice to hear you sound happy!

nodaybut2day

This. x 100.

You're doing good now on your own. Enjoy it. There's no pressure to decide right away.

Marytherboo

Thank you so much everyone. It feels really good right now just to let things ebb and flow and not try to force anything. Now that the chaos has subsided, I see no reason to rush into anything. Thanks for reminding me that is okay. After the years of swinging between panic and despair, this feels incredibly good.