Thinking of dating again???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Thinking of dating again???
I haven't been around too much lately, so hopefully no one has posted a similiar post recently. I left XAH in December. In the last couple months started crushing on a co-worker. Recently got rejected. He claims it's because we're co-workers - could be the truth or just an excuse. Either way - I'm hurting and I could really use some advice/support/similiar experiences from anyone here!!! Please be gentle! I know I'm totally fragile right now and shouldn't have gotten so attached to this person. I know I was trying to use them to fill the hole inside me. I'm trying really hard to do things for myself, get out there, get counselling and going to alanon. It's just the worst when I get back to being stuck inside my head. I feel really insecure and lost and like I will never have the family life I always wanted. Please tell me I'm not the only one feeling like this! My friends just figure it's a crush and no big deal and they don't get how hard this is for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 35
Just don't do it. Just do not do it. I feel REALLY sorry for the poor fella who wants to have a relationship with me in the future. Because I am not taking any crap. None. Ever.
Shrug your shoulders and do something fun. It's his loss.
Shrug your shoulders and do something fun. It's his loss.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 16
I've spent most of my dating years moving from relationship to relationship, without ever really choosing one that was good for me. Having now dumped XABF I'm taking some single time as I've realized that if I can't make myself happy, I'll never be happy with someone else. I know the urge to go find someone else to keep us occupied, make us feel adored and loved, and just having someone to snuggle with for comfort - but in the long run, rushing too fast between the relationships causes more pain when they go terribly and end, leading me to once again take the first acceptable person who can comfort me, and the cycle continues. But oh boy, do I know that urge to go find a replacement boyfriend to ease the pain!
It's ok to be lonely. It won't last forever. It will be uncomfortable at first, but that's because what *was* comfortable for us was unhealthy. The more time that goes by, the more you'll adjust. Maybe try a new hobby that will give you a healthy way to get out of your own head for a little bit every day and meet friends with a shared interest who can give you some support, or at least put a smile on your face.
It's ok to be lonely. It won't last forever. It will be uncomfortable at first, but that's because what *was* comfortable for us was unhealthy. The more time that goes by, the more you'll adjust. Maybe try a new hobby that will give you a healthy way to get out of your own head for a little bit every day and meet friends with a shared interest who can give you some support, or at least put a smile on your face.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Considering you may very likely be suffering from PTSD (see a doctor), please consider learning to live with yourself before deciding to bring another person into your life. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you.
Counseling, Alanon, or both can help you become ready to have a healthy relationship with a healthy person.
Cyranoak
P.s. Healthy people run like hell from needy people, and many people like us tend to be needy. We too, like alcoholics, can sometimes be more hostage-takers, and less partners. I'm not saying you are like this, I'm just throwing it out there for consideration.
Counseling, Alanon, or both can help you become ready to have a healthy relationship with a healthy person.
Cyranoak
P.s. Healthy people run like hell from needy people, and many people like us tend to be needy. We too, like alcoholics, can sometimes be more hostage-takers, and less partners. I'm not saying you are like this, I'm just throwing it out there for consideration.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Boy. I've been separated just a few months longer than you, pending divorce. I've been through the entire range: desperate sadness, bitter anger, and gradually, detachment and I'm at peace.
I can't even conceive of ANY point in the future I would be drawn into another personal relationship. I cherish the peace in my home, unlimited time to dream and grow and explore my own experience again, (SO much time available when it isn't all invested in trauma and crisis management). I love the long, deeply personal, connected loving conversations with people who cherish me, I'm re-focused on getting my business more profitable, I'm thinking of what fun trips or retreats I may go on this summer, I'm reading books again. This is what's true for me: something fundamentally shifted in me as a result of an alcoholic relationship experience.
Nope, I'm not bitter. I"m resolved. I love me, my life and my freedom. I've lost all sense of what possible benefit a relationship could offer. When I'm lonely...I pick up the phone and reach out. Sex? Well...that wasn't part of my marriage anyway, so no loss there.
I could feel differently in the future...but I don't have a shred of wanting anything other than I have right now: I'm free, healthy, happy, and gradually recovering. Right here is the only place I want to be. I have so very much to be thankful for
I can't even conceive of ANY point in the future I would be drawn into another personal relationship. I cherish the peace in my home, unlimited time to dream and grow and explore my own experience again, (SO much time available when it isn't all invested in trauma and crisis management). I love the long, deeply personal, connected loving conversations with people who cherish me, I'm re-focused on getting my business more profitable, I'm thinking of what fun trips or retreats I may go on this summer, I'm reading books again. This is what's true for me: something fundamentally shifted in me as a result of an alcoholic relationship experience.
Nope, I'm not bitter. I"m resolved. I love me, my life and my freedom. I've lost all sense of what possible benefit a relationship could offer. When I'm lonely...I pick up the phone and reach out. Sex? Well...that wasn't part of my marriage anyway, so no loss there.
I could feel differently in the future...but I don't have a shred of wanting anything other than I have right now: I'm free, healthy, happy, and gradually recovering. Right here is the only place I want to be. I have so very much to be thankful for
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
PixieGirl:
It's been a year since I split with EXABF. We were together for three years. At first, it was a bit scary, considering I moved clear across the country to be with him.
Love where I am living, but starting over has been tougher than I thought. Luckily, I have some REALLY good Al-Anon friends, a great home group and finally, a job that is right up my alley. Throughout that time, my reply to everyone who wondered when I would "get out there" was that "the only man I wanted to share my bed and home with had 4 legs, burped, farted, snored, hogged the bed and demanded dinner at 5pm." He is my four-legged sweetheart and has stood by me through some pretty insane times.
Fast forward through months of doubts, temptations, etc to a couple of weeks ago, when I was asked out by someone. Thought to myself - what could I lose? We seemed to click, to get along and had a coffee, went out to a show, things like that. Found out he was a recovering A and my defenses went right up. This time around, I had tools to help me deal with this and started to see some flags happening-like being pressured into getting intimate, lots of texting back and forth during the day, keeping getting back to the intimacy thing and it took me all back to how the EXABF courted me. I pulled back, set some boundaries and was as honest as I could be, saying that I knew I was nowhere near ready for another relationship.
Truth be told, don't know if it will ever happen, as I am really beginning to enjoy me, being on my own and doing my own thing. My freedom has been a hard battle for me to overcome years of co-dependent behaviour and it's a fragile freedom as I can slip back before I know it. As long as I can keep the focus on me, those codie tendencies seem to disappear back where they belong....
Funny how these posts have been popping up, just when I needed to see them.
Another poster (Thumper, I think) posted this in a similar thread, and it really resonated with me. ""What I've found the hardest is that... it's very tempting to dive head-first into a new relationship and lose yourself in it and use those overwhelming infatuation feelings as an excuse to say "Look, I'm not that screwed up, all I needed was LOVE".... and THAT is dangerous..."
Focus on yourself. Keep up with Al_anon and counseling. They helped me tremendously. Keep coming back here to SR....Lots of us have been where you are and can so relate to what you're going through.
It's been a year since I split with EXABF. We were together for three years. At first, it was a bit scary, considering I moved clear across the country to be with him.
Love where I am living, but starting over has been tougher than I thought. Luckily, I have some REALLY good Al-Anon friends, a great home group and finally, a job that is right up my alley. Throughout that time, my reply to everyone who wondered when I would "get out there" was that "the only man I wanted to share my bed and home with had 4 legs, burped, farted, snored, hogged the bed and demanded dinner at 5pm." He is my four-legged sweetheart and has stood by me through some pretty insane times.
Fast forward through months of doubts, temptations, etc to a couple of weeks ago, when I was asked out by someone. Thought to myself - what could I lose? We seemed to click, to get along and had a coffee, went out to a show, things like that. Found out he was a recovering A and my defenses went right up. This time around, I had tools to help me deal with this and started to see some flags happening-like being pressured into getting intimate, lots of texting back and forth during the day, keeping getting back to the intimacy thing and it took me all back to how the EXABF courted me. I pulled back, set some boundaries and was as honest as I could be, saying that I knew I was nowhere near ready for another relationship.
Truth be told, don't know if it will ever happen, as I am really beginning to enjoy me, being on my own and doing my own thing. My freedom has been a hard battle for me to overcome years of co-dependent behaviour and it's a fragile freedom as I can slip back before I know it. As long as I can keep the focus on me, those codie tendencies seem to disappear back where they belong....
Funny how these posts have been popping up, just when I needed to see them.
Another poster (Thumper, I think) posted this in a similar thread, and it really resonated with me. ""What I've found the hardest is that... it's very tempting to dive head-first into a new relationship and lose yourself in it and use those overwhelming infatuation feelings as an excuse to say "Look, I'm not that screwed up, all I needed was LOVE".... and THAT is dangerous..."
Focus on yourself. Keep up with Al_anon and counseling. They helped me tremendously. Keep coming back here to SR....Lots of us have been where you are and can so relate to what you're going through.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
You are not alone. Feeling alone is extremely uncomfortable until we really believe that we are never alone because we have ourselves and our higher power (whatever that may be for you).
Even then we all have days where we are just plain lonely and crave the attention of an adoring partner and a nice dinner with that person.
If you have Mealody Beatties books are so helpful and comforting. I just started the 12 stps for Codie's.
Much love
Even then we all have days where we are just plain lonely and crave the attention of an adoring partner and a nice dinner with that person.
If you have Mealody Beatties books are so helpful and comforting. I just started the 12 stps for Codie's.
Much love
Love them anyway...
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eugene OR
Posts: 115
.............."But oh boy, do I know that urge to go find a replacement boyfriend to ease the pain!
It's ok to be lonely. It won't last forever. It will be uncomfortable at first, but that's because what *was* comfortable for us was unhealthy. The more time that goes by, the more you'll adjust. Maybe try a new hobby that will give you a healthy way to get out of your own head for a little bit every day and meet friends with a shared interest who can give you some support, or at least put a smile on your face."
Thanks. Exactly. I needed to hear this too. :ghug3
It's ok to be lonely. It won't last forever. It will be uncomfortable at first, but that's because what *was* comfortable for us was unhealthy. The more time that goes by, the more you'll adjust. Maybe try a new hobby that will give you a healthy way to get out of your own head for a little bit every day and meet friends with a shared interest who can give you some support, or at least put a smile on your face."
Thanks. Exactly. I needed to hear this too. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Thank you so much everyone! *deep cleansing breath* I really needed to hear that and I will be reading these posts over and over to remind myself. I have Codependant no More and am halfway through the second time reading it. I'm going to check out the book NoDay mentioned. Thanks again everyone! You're awesome!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
