DecadesEnd

Hello y'all, it's been awhile since I posted but I read almost every day. Hard to decipher why we do this isn't it?
Well, I'm still in the house with AH. He has not moved out, pretty much refuses. We filed BK to end our financial attachments and it will be discharged June 1st. I will be putting a FOR SALE sign in our yard the next day. We are planning to split the proceeds evenly and move the hell on. At the point neither of us can stand the other. I can't stand him because he's made the last 15 years of my life a joke and he can't stand me because I won't give him 'one more chance' or reward his 'good behavior' (not drinking for a day) with sex. We don't have sex, haven't in a year and we don't even sleep in the same room. Rarely talk.
I'm angry with him again, my 9 year old son may possibly have ODD. Apparently a child is three times more likely to have ODD when one parent is an alcoholic. Particularly the father. Compounded with the last 9 years of verbal abuse and rage my kid has witnessed it's no wonder. My son got suspended from school and the first thing my AH did was scream at him and call him a loser. This led to a fight because frankly, I was pissed. My child, my innocent 9 year old child, is angry and defiant and just lost. He has an appointment with a counselor Weds. It pisses me off I may end up medicating my child because his father spent the first five years of my sons life as a raging lunatic. Remember this you Mom's of small children, remember this when you think about 'staying together for the kids sake'. My once sweet 9 year old boy is a total mess. And I contributed to it by staying.
I hate that.
I'm angry that my AH can't/won't man up and get the hell out. he refuses even now to do what's best for our son. Instead he remains here, day after day, drinking (it's my fault though because I won't give him a reason to not drink-god knows his 9 year old son isn't a damn good reason) and lashing out like an idiot.
I *could* have him arrested and taken away and win everything...sure...I could. But again, I would have to do it in front of our son and I'm not going to do that. Instead I am holding my ground and forcing him out. I will most likely end up fighting for the house if I can't get enough out of it to make it worth selling. And that's probably what's going to happen.
It's damn hard though, living with this person who does not communicate with anyone, spends every spare moment he's not working on the couch drinking, and yelling after getting wasted. He does not take our son outside to play ball, he does not take him fishing, he does not do ANYTHING with our son unless he can drink while doing it.
This leaves me to do everything, which is OK because I'm used to it. I've taken on another job and am now working three jobs to make ends meet. I don't know what AH does with his money but we never have any, and I make good money for a young female professional. More than twice what he makes anyway. I'm angry that I'm taking on yet another job while he works less than 40 hours a week. and he's ok with it. No problem for him. Pisses me off. I've been seeing a therapist, it helps.
That's it for now...pay attention Moms......pay attention...this is most likely where you'll end up too.

fourmaggie

are you in AL ANON and your son in AL ATEEN?....please think about going...even way after you left and separated...this disease does EFFECT EVERYONE for years and years...al anon is a life time change..

DecadesEnd

No, not in either. I don't necessarily agree with Al-Anon. Nothing wrong with it, just not for me. I have a great therapist though. She's been incredible. Tried the whole marriage counseling thing first. She said unless AH were to quit drinking there was really no reason to continue with marriage counseling. She then offered to see us both one on one, him to help him get sober. Me, to get past the craziness I've tolerated for 15 years. He took that as a pass to drink. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity he felt she was 'picking on him'. Hey whatever. I went back though, been seeing her consistently once a week. She's wonderful. Hell, even she said I needed to divorce him and at this point in time, as long as he was still drinking, there was no saving it. All the doubts, all the questions, all the self hate, are slowly fading away. I no longer feel selfish for seeking my own peace. That made her worth her weight in gold. The rest was a bonus. I still have days where I feel sorry for AH and I struggle with that but I am learning that it's his problem, not mine. All I can do is clean up the mess he's made and move forward. No looking back.

LucyA

My nephew was 10 when he came to live with me (if you want to know more click my profile) and I insisted he went to at least 3 counselling sessions. He told me he knew way more than the counsellors and he'd rather talk to me and have a laugh about stuff and talk honestly.
It's worked for us (for now) but it might not work for everyone.