Finally Leaving

Old 03-26-2012, 10:15 AM
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Finally Leaving

Hi all,

I've been reading through this forum for about a month or two, and I thought I would finally reach out and post here.

I'm a mom of twin boys (3yo) and my spouse has been drinking for as long as I've known him. Only a little when we first met but its steadily got worse. He's a happy drunk, he's never hit me and he is just sort of removed from the situation. He seems fun and silly and then passes out. This behavior has gotten worse in the last two years, and it became a normal part of life almost. My breaking point was I asked him not to drink on my birthday and he picked me up at work and he was already drunk.

I finally decided I needed to leave, because I know it is affecting my boys. I have the full support of his family (who have tried to help, but he wont go to rehab or meetings - says they are for weak people) and pretty much every one of our friends that finds out is really supportive of me leaving.

The catch is I moved to Canada to be with him and I'm going to go to through the legal system to take my children back to Australia with me. I want to be near family and friends and not have him around them until he has sorted himself out.

He's actually said he will sign a letter to temporarily let me go back home with the boys, so he knows whats happening. He's actually trying to dry himself out, but I think without dealing with the problem or get professional help it won't work.

Anyway that's my long story. After wasting a few years of my life hoping that he would get help and fix the problem, I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm a little scared of raising my boys on my own, but I know its better than living with someone that isn't really there for me.
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:28 AM
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I only have a few minutes so all I have time for is to address the legal standing.

Get a lawyer immediately. If the boys have been in Canada for over a year this is their legal domicile and as such you can not move legally to a different country without him giving you full custody or some other custody agreement through the courts.
If he does sign something that you can temporarily take them out of the country than you need to know that he can ask for you to come back at any time. If you don't come back, he might be able to file kidnapping charges. Plus he can hit the courts and will get full custody at that time. This means De Haag (The Hague International Agreement Canada has signed) will be on his side and if necessary will get the kids back to him through extradition from Australia. (I am not sure if Australia has rectified the agreement.)

Of course the above is the worst case scenario and would take years but it happens. If you are planing on leaving please get a lawyer first. Having a signed and notarized letter is ok for you to leave the country with but it will not be enough to stay out of the country with indefinitely.

Good luck
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:22 PM
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Thanks for the advice. I am definitely going to get a lawyer. I haven't asked him to move out yet. I want to get a letter from him before I do, but yeah I am predicting this will be a bit of a battle.
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:49 PM
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My breaking point was I asked him not to drink on my birthday and he picked me up at work and he was already drunk.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I had it happen too. It sucks....just one day? one afternoon? He could not leave the drink alone.

Well, I am glad you are done with this, because he is not being a partner in your marriage. If he continues to drink, it will take some of the fight out of him (custody battle), but it is always best to be one step ahead.

Twin boys! How wonderful is that?
It is good to hear you will have support back home in Australia.

Beth
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
I'm sorry this happened to you. I had it happen too. It sucks....just one day? one afternoon? He could not leave the drink alone.

Well, I am glad you are done with this, because he is not being a partner in your marriage. If he continues to drink, it will take some of the fight out of him (custody battle), but it is always best to be one step ahead.

Twin boys! How wonderful is that?
It is good to hear you will have support back home in Australia.

Beth
Thanks Beth. Everyones posts here inspired me to think that I could do it. For so long he was keeping me down with emotional abuse and now I'm making a stand.

The sad thing is the last day or so he's been sober, but I know without professional help he will fall off the wagon again.

The good thing is I have the name and number of a family lawyer so I can get things started.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:31 PM
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Dear Booksanddolls,
I admire you for your strength. I have spent 22 years with my husband and he is the one that left. I have been attending Al-anon and private counseling. It has helped me to see that though I may not want a divorce, I need a divorce, so that's where we are now. I understand being married to the fun guy. My husband is very charming and usually is the center of attention, however, as his disease of Alcohol progressed it seemed that everyone else got that person and he decided that if he was going to be angry at anything, he was going to take it out on me. Now, mind you, he never physically abused me, but he verbally abused me. He was cruel and when he wasn't cruel he was neglectful. After he got his 3rd DUI (I was not aware that he had two others which he did not disclose before we got married) he "promised" he would only drink on weekends and would never drink & drive again. He also smoked pot and in my oversight, I forgot to "negotiate" that in the deal. This is when his Alcoholism started to make me just as sick as him. This is why they call it a family disease. It affects us all and causes us to react, blowing up easily, and to control, and then there's the moment that we try to get everyone who cares about him to help and they just stare at us like it isn't our problem. These are the truths I have come to know: 1) No negotiation in the world is going to work with an alcoholic; 2) I am not responsible for the happiness of the alocholic, he is; 3) The man that I married no longer lives in the body of the man I am divorcing; he is dead; and 4) The more I worry about the care and feeding of myself, the more I begin to feel like myself and content with myself.
Again, I admire you for taking this step and not wasting your life. I wish I would have had the courage to free myself from the slavery chains of alcoholism a long time ago because maybe it wouldn't be hurting as much now and I would have more self-esteem. Good luck,
TinaDub
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by TinaDub View Post
My husband is very charming and usually is the center of attention, however, as his disease of Alcohol progressed it seemed that everyone else got that person and he decided that if he was going to be angry at anything, he was going to take it out on me.
This is the same for me. On Saturday he was being emotionally abuse and almost comatose drunk and then a friend turned up and he was all charming. I keep telling him I don't get the same person all day. I think its harder on our kids because they don't understand why their father is different.

The hardest thing I'm finding right now is that since Sunday morning he has been sober. He's shaking like a fish and having to use the bathroom a lot, but he's sober. He's trying to "dry out" by himself, which I don't think will work. He needs professional help. I feel guilty that none of this will help me stay, but I'm so concerned about how its affecting my children.

Part of me thinks I should give him a second chance but I know that he has had plenty of changes and blown all of them.
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