How to stop an argument with the Alcoholic
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 38
How to stop an argument with the Alcoholic
My Alcoholic partner was working a great program for a while and our relationship was fantastic. She has been working 7 days a week and 13 hour days and seems to have fallin out of touch with her sponsor. I try to stay out of her "program" because its not my business. Her atitude is changing back to old ways and she is constantly yelling and screaming. I dont want to participate in an unnecessary fight. I try to walk away. Whats the best thing to do in a situation like that?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You've taught her she gets to speak to you like that by allowing it. Don't allow it. Ever. When my wife starts that **** I tell her, explicitly, you don't get to speak to me that way and I leave IMMEDIATELY with no discussion with her. Since I started that a couple of years ago she very rarely does it. And, when she does, I'm right outa there.
If there's an Alanon meeting soon I'll usually go, but if not I hit my local bar-- the real reason God invented bars is so men have somewhere to go, talk with other men about their crazy wives, and watch sports (and in my case have a beer or two and maybe a burger).
Works every time.
Cyranoak
P.s. Plus, I love the irony of it. There's just something I love about going to a bar to get away from my alcoholic wife.
If there's an Alanon meeting soon I'll usually go, but if not I hit my local bar-- the real reason God invented bars is so men have somewhere to go, talk with other men about their crazy wives, and watch sports (and in my case have a beer or two and maybe a burger).
Works every time.
Cyranoak
P.s. Plus, I love the irony of it. There's just something I love about going to a bar to get away from my alcoholic wife.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
My spouse is similiar...went all in for awhile..now rarely goes to meetings, hasn't talked to his sponser in a long time...and is a general PITA unless he wants something...and he always wants something (kwim????)...as though sex will save us? I don't get it.
I just won't engage. I say "yes dear" or "whatever you want"...I NEVER express my opinion or share my view ...it's just not worth my time.
I just won't engage. I say "yes dear" or "whatever you want"...I NEVER express my opinion or share my view ...it's just not worth my time.
Not so much arguments per se, but pseudo-philosophical discussions that make NO sense whatsoever...I'd shoot him a dubious look, then go somewhere...that way, all they have to talk to is themselves.
Said discussions don't happen anymore.
Said discussions don't happen anymore.
Once upon a time, when I was dealing with a similiar dynamic, someone once shared the following with me...
"Don't enrage, don't engage..."
In my experience, I found that when I did engage with my former partner, the spotlight was now on me and he was no longer accountable...
Ah....what memories....
Hope this helps....
"Don't enrage, don't engage..."
In my experience, I found that when I did engage with my former partner, the spotlight was now on me and he was no longer accountable...
Ah....what memories....
Hope this helps....
In an Al-Anon meeting, someone said that when we engage in arguments we know are coming from the alcohol (as opposed to a "regular relationship thing"), we participate in the alcoholic using us to dissipate his/her guilt over drinking.
Another way of looking at is is that an A can start an argument with the partner in order to feel justified in drinking.
When I disengage, I give myself the integrity of NOT attempting to argue with logic when the A will not hear it; I also release the A to look within himself, rather than project upon me.
Another way of looking at is is that an A can start an argument with the partner in order to feel justified in drinking.
When I disengage, I give myself the integrity of NOT attempting to argue with logic when the A will not hear it; I also release the A to look within himself, rather than project upon me.
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