things are looking up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
things are looking up
it has been 12 days since my ex and i have broken up, and things have become so much better. its amazing how much better the entire household becomes when the alcoholic is gone. it even smells better! and, i can't express how helpful you have all been, responding to the threads ive posted, reading through old posts, and even offering empathy and guidance to others in similar troubling positions.
i have taken each day one day at a time. i ordered codependent no more and another alanon book from amazon. i write in my journal, talk to friends and family, do extra tasks at work, take the dogs on a long walk, ANYTHING to keep me busy. this is such a far cry from where i was a week ago, laying dead on the couch, in tears, from 8am-9pm straight. i started eating normally again, and have been sleeping well. i haven't cried in 3 days, not even teared up. but it truly is one day at a time.
we are still financially connected, on a lease together, and a phone account together. i have an offer from a friend who will move in as a roommate until the lease is up, and have been saving money to cancel the phone account. i want no more of him- none of his money, empty promises, lies, or manipulation.
BUT- this has all taken a tremendous amount of WORK, and i can only do it one day at a time right now. i re-read lines from my journal every hour to get through.
i have a question though.. is there a chance that i will "relapse" i.e. get upset again, call him, text him, look through his phone log online (shamefully-yes i did that), want to get back with him, obsess over the situation, etc... i am hoping the books that i ordered could be able to help me with this, but they won't be in for a week! i know i am strong, but its still a possibility that i may get weak and screw up all the hard work i've done. also, im a little scared because its only been 12 days, he refused to get all of his stuff out of the house, and my mom warned me that it's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic. as soon as he comes back into the picture, its gonna be misery for me again. any thoughts??
i have taken each day one day at a time. i ordered codependent no more and another alanon book from amazon. i write in my journal, talk to friends and family, do extra tasks at work, take the dogs on a long walk, ANYTHING to keep me busy. this is such a far cry from where i was a week ago, laying dead on the couch, in tears, from 8am-9pm straight. i started eating normally again, and have been sleeping well. i haven't cried in 3 days, not even teared up. but it truly is one day at a time.
we are still financially connected, on a lease together, and a phone account together. i have an offer from a friend who will move in as a roommate until the lease is up, and have been saving money to cancel the phone account. i want no more of him- none of his money, empty promises, lies, or manipulation.
BUT- this has all taken a tremendous amount of WORK, and i can only do it one day at a time right now. i re-read lines from my journal every hour to get through.
i have a question though.. is there a chance that i will "relapse" i.e. get upset again, call him, text him, look through his phone log online (shamefully-yes i did that), want to get back with him, obsess over the situation, etc... i am hoping the books that i ordered could be able to help me with this, but they won't be in for a week! i know i am strong, but its still a possibility that i may get weak and screw up all the hard work i've done. also, im a little scared because its only been 12 days, he refused to get all of his stuff out of the house, and my mom warned me that it's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic. as soon as he comes back into the picture, its gonna be misery for me again. any thoughts??
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It's up to you to re-connect or not to re-connect.
I can't say I didn't go back for more (thought mine was still working a recovery program)
Things that did help me get through a tough spot:
Log into SR and read/post as needed.
Change the A's name on my cell phone to display: I stole from you (instead of his first name)
Carried a piece of paper in my wallet that said:
__________'s love comes with:
health problems
legal issues
financial disasters
denial
manipulations
lies
You are doing great!
I can't say I didn't go back for more (thought mine was still working a recovery program)
Things that did help me get through a tough spot:
Log into SR and read/post as needed.
Change the A's name on my cell phone to display: I stole from you (instead of his first name)
Carried a piece of paper in my wallet that said:
__________'s love comes with:
health problems
legal issues
financial disasters
denial
manipulations
lies
You are doing great!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
I was able to put his phone on suspension, he was on my family plan. I only had to pay 10 dollars a month until his contract ran out and it was well worth it. Not only did I get the revenge I wanted because he could no longer keep his number 
but I could no longer check his phone log to see what he was up to (yes I did this too, NOT healthy).
but I could no longer check his phone log to see what he was up to (yes I did this too, NOT healthy).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 164
[QUOTE=Pelican;3334349]It's up to you to re-connect or not to re-connect.
Change the A's name on my cell phone to display: I stole from you (instead of his first name)
QUOTE]
I just changed my ABF's name on my cell to this. Love it.
Change the A's name on my cell phone to display: I stole from you (instead of his first name)
QUOTE]
I just changed my ABF's name on my cell to this. Love it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
bailey - good for you, what a great attitude you have! I walked so much with my dogs the first 6 months of my separation that my big old dog lost 5 pounds. She still looks great, even with cancer now! ; )
Protect your emotional well being as best you can. Relapses are normal but preventable for us if we choose to do the things it takes to prevent them. I found the stronger I was the better I handled the situations that would otherwise have reduced me to tears and wrecked my emotional well being for days on end.
I learned to detach and it has been awesome! Try to tell yourself every day that you have no investment in his actions, reactions, thoughts, decisions, behavior, moods, etc. So if you have to contact him for something and he blows or pulls a guilt trip, just keep telling yourself this isn't about you. Alcoholism is about him and him alone.
Stay strong!
~T
Protect your emotional well being as best you can. Relapses are normal but preventable for us if we choose to do the things it takes to prevent them. I found the stronger I was the better I handled the situations that would otherwise have reduced me to tears and wrecked my emotional well being for days on end.
I learned to detach and it has been awesome! Try to tell yourself every day that you have no investment in his actions, reactions, thoughts, decisions, behavior, moods, etc. So if you have to contact him for something and he blows or pulls a guilt trip, just keep telling yourself this isn't about you. Alcoholism is about him and him alone.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by bailey17 
it has been 12 days since my ex and i have broken up, and things have become so much better. its amazing how much better the entire household becomes when the alcoholic is gone. it even smells better! and, i can't express how helpful you have all been, responding to the threads ive posted, reading through old posts, and even offering empathy and guidance to others in similar troubling positions.
i have taken each day one day at a time. i ordered codependent no more and another alanon book from amazon. i write in my journal, talk to friends and family, do extra tasks at work, take the dogs on a long walk, ANYTHING to keep me busy. this is such a far cry from where i was a week ago, laying dead on the couch, in tears, from 8am-9pm straight. i started eating normally again, and have been sleeping well. i haven't cried in 3 days, not even teared up. but it truly is one day at a time.
we are still financially connected, on a lease together, and a phone account together. i have an offer from a friend who will move in as a roommate until the lease is up, and have been saving money to cancel the phone account. i want no more of him- none of his money, empty promises, lies, or manipulation.
BUT- this has all taken a tremendous amount of WORK, and i can only do it one day at a time right now. i re-read lines from my journal every hour to get through.
i have a question though.. is there a chance that i will "relapse" i.e. get upset again, call him, text him, look through his phone log online (shamefully-yes i did that), want to get back with him, obsess over the situation, etc... i am hoping the books that i ordered could be able to help me with this, but they won't be in for a week! i know i am strong, but its still a possibility that i may get weak and screw up all the hard work i've done. also, im a little scared because its only been 12 days, he refused to get all of his stuff out of the house, and my mom warned me that it's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic. as soon as he comes back into the picture, its gonna be misery for me again. any thoughts??
i have taken each day one day at a time. i ordered codependent no more and another alanon book from amazon. i write in my journal, talk to friends and family, do extra tasks at work, take the dogs on a long walk, ANYTHING to keep me busy. this is such a far cry from where i was a week ago, laying dead on the couch, in tears, from 8am-9pm straight. i started eating normally again, and have been sleeping well. i haven't cried in 3 days, not even teared up. but it truly is one day at a time.
we are still financially connected, on a lease together, and a phone account together. i have an offer from a friend who will move in as a roommate until the lease is up, and have been saving money to cancel the phone account. i want no more of him- none of his money, empty promises, lies, or manipulation.
BUT- this has all taken a tremendous amount of WORK, and i can only do it one day at a time right now. i re-read lines from my journal every hour to get through.
i have a question though.. is there a chance that i will "relapse" i.e. get upset again, call him, text him, look through his phone log online (shamefully-yes i did that), want to get back with him, obsess over the situation, etc... i am hoping the books that i ordered could be able to help me with this, but they won't be in for a week! i know i am strong, but its still a possibility that i may get weak and screw up all the hard work i've done. also, im a little scared because its only been 12 days, he refused to get all of his stuff out of the house, and my mom warned me that it's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic. as soon as he comes back into the picture, its gonna be misery for me again. any thoughts??
I am going to keep coming to SR too as it is helping me tremendously. I have thoughts sometimes that maybe I am over-reacting and that my ex is really not that bad and then I feel guilty for leaving him etc etc, and then I visit SR and realize no, I am not! I/we deserve better and so much more out of life. So keep coming here, it is really helping me. We can support one another.
I got an email from him today which I shouldn't have even read but I did. It made me laugh out loud, he said "I really want to know what I did that night, that made you think i was so hammered, just because I had one beer after another for about 2,3 hours,I really wasn't-hammered, as you said.) uh he drank 12 beer in 2 to 3 hours. If he doesn't think that is crazy in itself, i give up.
so done...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
i know i am strong, but its still a possibility that i may get weak and screw up all the hard work i've done. also, im a little scared because its only been 12 days, he refused to get all of his stuff out of the house, and my mom warned me that it's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic. as soon as he comes back into the picture, its gonna be misery for me again. any thoughts??
How about one of his friends come to get it from your porch or something?
Do what you can to avoid contact and any discussions.
I know how hard it is to get rid of an alcoholic, (I am in recovery, it is my ex I speak of) it was like peeling a child from my leg, who doesn't want to be left at daycare.
There is a possibility you could get weak, but you seem to be pretty damn strong right now, and now is when you can prepare yourself. Pretend he is a child having a tantrum in the grocery store, not your business, and certainly not your responsibility.
Beth
PS
I read a lot of the books on Amazon, I click on "Look Inside" , you will be surprised at the amount of the older books that you can look at. While waiting for your delivery, check out look inside. Or the library. I love the library, I knew my ex would never step inside a library for any reason. It was quiet and safe, full of lovely books. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
thanks everyone, i changed the A's number on my phone to "i abused you", because after all he didn't really steal from me, financially that is. he stole in other ways i guess. i've always been a vivid dreamer, and I dream about him regularly which is annoying, but so far its only been dreams that have validated my reasons for breaking up, but he's still in them ya know =( i'm gonna call AT&T tomorrow about suspending his account, which i have done before, but wasn't aware i could leave it that way and only pay $10 a month till i have the money to cancel it entirely (we JUST upped the contract another 2 years when he needed a new phone because he left his outside in the rain after a long long night of drinking) and of course i came to the enabling rescue and got him a brand new fancy phone immediately.
denial must be a powerful thing, because i lived in it for 3 years and even helped him deny his drinking problem, when deep down both of us knew the truth.
i don't wish anything bad for him, in fact i hope he gets help. but i do wish he would lose his job. he bartends, which allows him to get away with drinking before shift, during shift, and heavily after shift. and then rake in hundreds of dollars a night to blow on more drinking and gambling. i got him to quit doing drugs (mostly) when we got together, but he'll probably walk down that path again. ugh what a life, and to blow a relationship with a nice person, beautiful home, vacations, two wonderful dogs, home cooked meals, etc etc. i was an enabler with a capital E!!!! and he didn't deserve it!
denial must be a powerful thing, because i lived in it for 3 years and even helped him deny his drinking problem, when deep down both of us knew the truth.
i don't wish anything bad for him, in fact i hope he gets help. but i do wish he would lose his job. he bartends, which allows him to get away with drinking before shift, during shift, and heavily after shift. and then rake in hundreds of dollars a night to blow on more drinking and gambling. i got him to quit doing drugs (mostly) when we got together, but he'll probably walk down that path again. ugh what a life, and to blow a relationship with a nice person, beautiful home, vacations, two wonderful dogs, home cooked meals, etc etc. i was an enabler with a capital E!!!! and he didn't deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
I'm in the boat with you, but 7 weeks out. My secret this time (I have tried before but got weak) is NO CONTACT. Do I always succeed? No. He knows how to hook me too well. But I'm on one whole week of NO CONTACT. I had his son and a friend pick up the last of his stuff today.
The friend asked about some paver blocks on the side of my driveway. Said if I didn't want them, then the AXF would come get them when no one was home. UH-NO WAY!!!!! I told them if he wants them, they go in the truck now. And they did.
Now I just have a rental property to get rid of and no more contact. Messages for that are going through a 3rd party. NO CONTACT. I removed him from my "ICE" contact on my phone, and all of his texts/emails/voicemails go in a file named "*******" on my computer. There's a paper file folder with the same name for snail mail.
This man was the love of my life, but alcohol is the love of his. So not worth the competition. The next man in my life will value kindness, respect, peace and self awareness.
Stay strong, NO CONTACT. The person you miss does not really exist. You miss the dream of who he could have been.
Good luck!
The friend asked about some paver blocks on the side of my driveway. Said if I didn't want them, then the AXF would come get them when no one was home. UH-NO WAY!!!!! I told them if he wants them, they go in the truck now. And they did.
Now I just have a rental property to get rid of and no more contact. Messages for that are going through a 3rd party. NO CONTACT. I removed him from my "ICE" contact on my phone, and all of his texts/emails/voicemails go in a file named "*******" on my computer. There's a paper file folder with the same name for snail mail.
This man was the love of my life, but alcohol is the love of his. So not worth the competition. The next man in my life will value kindness, respect, peace and self awareness.
Stay strong, NO CONTACT. The person you miss does not really exist. You miss the dream of who he could have been.
Good luck!
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Wow, congrats to you..sounds like you have made a great start.
No contact is really the only way to try and get past this. Especially those moments when you are feeling like you've got it under control so why not be friendly to him? Nope. They are good at making promises, manipulating you back into the relationship under the guise of just being friends or even that they can't do this without you. My exAB and I went through this 50 times...he kept making me promises...different every time...I wanted to believe him. I wanted to see what it would be like if he didn't drink and could be more of the kind of guy I needed him to be. But, he never could be...in fact he was worse off when he wasn't drinking at all then when he was drinking.
I would find myself back in a relationship with him again so many times that I would literally beg God on my hands and knees to get him out of my life. To help me have strength to not let him back in.
Stay away from him at all costs, use no reason to talk or see him and don't allow him to have any excuse to need to talk with you. That's the surest way to help protect yourself and not be tempted to go back.
No contact is really the only way to try and get past this. Especially those moments when you are feeling like you've got it under control so why not be friendly to him? Nope. They are good at making promises, manipulating you back into the relationship under the guise of just being friends or even that they can't do this without you. My exAB and I went through this 50 times...he kept making me promises...different every time...I wanted to believe him. I wanted to see what it would be like if he didn't drink and could be more of the kind of guy I needed him to be. But, he never could be...in fact he was worse off when he wasn't drinking at all then when he was drinking.
I would find myself back in a relationship with him again so many times that I would literally beg God on my hands and knees to get him out of my life. To help me have strength to not let him back in.
Stay away from him at all costs, use no reason to talk or see him and don't allow him to have any excuse to need to talk with you. That's the surest way to help protect yourself and not be tempted to go back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 20
Go you! I'm on 5 weeks and alot less cut up than I thought I would be. The first couple of weeks I was a complete mess, but as the times went on I'm feeling alot better. I've been catching up with friends alot more and just enjoying my stressful free time. When I left I was convinced that wasn't the end of us that when he was in recovery we could get back together. Now I don't want to be with him anymore, I'm good on my own except I'm not on my own I have great friends and family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
I would love to tell you that you will have NO CONTACT with him every again but, the truth is...it may happen. Hell it happened to me. You get lonley or depressed or just want to see "how there doing". Take it from me, learn from my mistakes...DONT DO IT ha ha. When i called him or texted him to to say hi or see how he was doing, i felt like i just kept on reponing the wound. It does get easier. I am 3 months in and i JUST NOW this week stoped crying and thinkin og him EVERY SECOND..its more like every minute now ha ha. But...IT DOES GET EASIER. Stay strong, keep reading these post (they help soooooooooo much) and the journaling helped me to. Just dont re-read it, it will only depress you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
bailey17-I have survived a year since breaking it off with the ex. No, it has not been easy and there were times that I was ready to "cave" (as he so nicely put it), but I didn't. I walked my dog, took some college courses, of course, going to Al-Anon and get involved with their activities, coming here to SR, volunteering, things like that, to keep myself busy. The volunteering (in a used bookstore) paid off, because I am now a paid employee.
Now, I can look back at the past year and be proud of myself for doing this. I really feel that I have accomplished something instead of going back to the old way of doing things.
This is how far I have come: Last week, I ran into the ex at the grocery store. He looked awful and when we were talking, I could smell the stale alcohol. The conversation lasted a few minutes and then I walked away, as I had other things to do. No lingering, no asking about things, just like two acquaintances talking. I walked away and knew that nothing had changed with him, but it had with me. As much as I love him, I knew the best thing was to walk away and leave his Higher Power to look out for him.
Blocking him whether it be phone, email, whatever, helped me tremendously because it takes the temptation to get caught up in the dance of their addiction.
Congrats to you for doing what you're doing! Stay strong, take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We're all here for you !!
Now, I can look back at the past year and be proud of myself for doing this. I really feel that I have accomplished something instead of going back to the old way of doing things.
This is how far I have come: Last week, I ran into the ex at the grocery store. He looked awful and when we were talking, I could smell the stale alcohol. The conversation lasted a few minutes and then I walked away, as I had other things to do. No lingering, no asking about things, just like two acquaintances talking. I walked away and knew that nothing had changed with him, but it had with me. As much as I love him, I knew the best thing was to walk away and leave his Higher Power to look out for him.
Blocking him whether it be phone, email, whatever, helped me tremendously because it takes the temptation to get caught up in the dance of their addiction.
Congrats to you for doing what you're doing! Stay strong, take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We're all here for you !!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 16
It sounds like you're off to a great start. Keep your momentum, and the easiest way to do that is to keep up no contact.
Last night I had a bit of a relapse myself - XABF texted me and I responded. But, I found that the more that goes by where I don't talk to him, I find myself more and more detached and the urge to engage in a conversation is no longer unbearable. After one response (it helped that it wasn't a nice exchange) I pictured myself sliding back into his grimy paws and was perfectly happy to delete and move on.
Some things I've done to help myself:
1) Made two lists:
a) Reasons to never speak to him again - basically a laundry list of all the things he did to upset me, all the moments that I wanted him gone, all the things that my family and friends would be appalled to hear about. The things that each could have been dealbreakers on their own, but that I let slide at the time. This has been very helpful and reading it gives me the feeling that I'm so relieved to not have to deal with any of that anymore.
b) Things I could do instead of contacting him. This ranges from "learn to make myself happy" to "go for a hike" to "enjoy the space in my freezer where the vodka used to go and put baked goods there instead." Mostly it's things that were not happening with him around because we were both too busy dealing with his drunkenness.
2) I told my sister EVERYTHING I had been hiding about his alcoholism and behavior. I went through the "reasons to stay away" list with her, and she was appropriately appalled (yet understanding and supportive.) For me, this helped hold me accountable. I can delude myself into thinking that it's somehow OK to take him back, but imagining myself having to explain to a healthy, well-adjusted person that I was back with him depite all those things he had done has stopped me from contacting him countless times in just over a week.
3) I cut off all our cyber contact. I unfriended him on Facebook (which had a little bit of fallout, but overall was worth it), took him off my chat buddy lists, deleted old emails. Since I spend my day on a computer, it's hard for me to keep from just taking a peek to see if he's online or if he's posted anything. Any way that I could "peek" in on him has been eliminated. It's not easy because it feels very permanent, but if at any time you can muster up the strength, do it then.
The longer you keep it up, the easier it gets. Remember that you have complete control over your hands and feet and you never have to talk to him again if you choose not to.
Last night I had a bit of a relapse myself - XABF texted me and I responded. But, I found that the more that goes by where I don't talk to him, I find myself more and more detached and the urge to engage in a conversation is no longer unbearable. After one response (it helped that it wasn't a nice exchange) I pictured myself sliding back into his grimy paws and was perfectly happy to delete and move on.
Some things I've done to help myself:
1) Made two lists:
a) Reasons to never speak to him again - basically a laundry list of all the things he did to upset me, all the moments that I wanted him gone, all the things that my family and friends would be appalled to hear about. The things that each could have been dealbreakers on their own, but that I let slide at the time. This has been very helpful and reading it gives me the feeling that I'm so relieved to not have to deal with any of that anymore.
b) Things I could do instead of contacting him. This ranges from "learn to make myself happy" to "go for a hike" to "enjoy the space in my freezer where the vodka used to go and put baked goods there instead." Mostly it's things that were not happening with him around because we were both too busy dealing with his drunkenness.
2) I told my sister EVERYTHING I had been hiding about his alcoholism and behavior. I went through the "reasons to stay away" list with her, and she was appropriately appalled (yet understanding and supportive.) For me, this helped hold me accountable. I can delude myself into thinking that it's somehow OK to take him back, but imagining myself having to explain to a healthy, well-adjusted person that I was back with him depite all those things he had done has stopped me from contacting him countless times in just over a week.
3) I cut off all our cyber contact. I unfriended him on Facebook (which had a little bit of fallout, but overall was worth it), took him off my chat buddy lists, deleted old emails. Since I spend my day on a computer, it's hard for me to keep from just taking a peek to see if he's online or if he's posted anything. Any way that I could "peek" in on him has been eliminated. It's not easy because it feels very permanent, but if at any time you can muster up the strength, do it then.
The longer you keep it up, the easier it gets. Remember that you have complete control over your hands and feet and you never have to talk to him again if you choose not to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
i know that stale alcohol smell all too well. thats what my entire bedroom smelled like, every day for the past 3 years. i suspended his cell phone line today, so now theres truly not going to be any contact. as far as i know, he is homeless, jumping from couch to couch. he is too drunk to be able to use a computer, so i don't have to worry about email.
i hope one day he gets help, not for me or our relationship, but for HIM because God knows he needs it. he is a good man with a good heart but alcoholism has destroyed his life.
i hope one day he gets help, not for me or our relationship, but for HIM because God knows he needs it. he is a good man with a good heart but alcoholism has destroyed his life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's wonderful to see that the hard work pays off! You may want to talk to him, even be together again, but that doesn't mean you have to do it. Feelings aren't facts. Keeping your focus in today is a huge help because while we're moving, moving, moving we grow inside. I made a rule for myself: I had to talk to someone first before taking any action which might bring me into any contact with him.
Thanks so much for posting this!
Thanks so much for posting this!
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