A New Chapter in My Life Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
A New Chapter in My Life Story
I ended my relationship with my AGF yesterday. It was a very hard thing to do. I think a large part of why it was so difficult to end it was that I always felt like there was hope for her to regain sanity. She wasn’t always this bad and her words iterated that she wanted to be sober. Her actions just didn’t match up. Since I became involved with Al-anon and learned to detach and take care of myself, set boundaries, and not allow abuse. She actually became resentful and verbally said so calling AA & Al-anon BS and declaring that I didn’t know what I was talking about when asking to be treated with common courtesy.
Our final episode began early yesterday morning. I had planned a fun casual evening of dinner out and a movie at the theater. She was at her house and I at mine. We talked in the AM and agreed on the evening plans and exchanged our morning thoughts before continuing on with our day. She was to come over after her noon AA meeting. I sent her a text around 11:30 asking if she’d like to go shopping and to Yogurt Mountain after the meeting. After getting the text she called me…and that’s where the slippery slope began.
The first thing she said was, “I’m upset,” a phrase I am accustomed to hearing. I asked what was wrong and if she’d like to talk about it. She informed me that she wasn’t going to the AA meeting and that she was upset because she had decided to send her dog with her grandmother out of state for spring break so that she and I could be alone. My first thought was that is incredibly thoughtful, followed by a fear of what I think may happen because she has done this. In the past, each time she has been away from her dog for only a few days she becomes regretful and resentful towards me which manifests in aggressive words and behavior and ultimately fighting. The next thought was that given the gravity of this situation anything I say is likely to ignite a horrible fight. My reply ended up being, in a loving tone, “You didn’t have to do that baby. I do respect your choice though.” She immediately became incited and said angrily, “You say that as if I had some other option.” The truth is that I feel like she did have other options, but I was fearful to say so as it would only further aggravate an already building tension.
This was followed by a brief silence. I finally said genuinely confused, “OK, well, I’m not sure what you want me to say.” She began to yell at me saying things like, “I just want you to give me some instruction! Tell me you want me to come over! Tell me you want to go to a move! Just tell me something!” I tried to say that we had already discussed all these things, only a few hours ago, and that nothing had changed but at this point she was talking AT me not to me and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. Somehow she managed to hear above her own yelling that I wanted to speak. She told me that I wasn’t listening to her and that I was only thinking of what I had to say. She asked me to repeat everything she had said…so I did followed by a request to be shown the same respect to speak and be listened to. Her reply was, “No. I don’t care what you have to say!” Another phrase I’m accustomed to.
She tells me that she’s going to town, going somewhere, just doing something without me. I was very upset…mad, hurt, confused, but said, “OK, just call me if you want to see me,” hoping that she’d cool down and come to her senses. In the back of my mind I recognized this game though. It was the old pick a fight so I can be upset and use that as an excuse to drink and use and blame it all on you game. Typically when such fights occur I am left debilitated and just sit and analyze the situation until she decides we can continue on with our relationship and takes me of that metaphorical shelf like a battered toy that she thrown aside but is ready to play with again. I did sit and digest what had occurred for a while. She called while I was thinking and picked right back up with the yelling and cursing so I told her that I needed to catch my breath. I asked her to just take 30 minutes to cool down and said we could talk then. Of course she wasn’t going to have this and continued to call, so I ignored the calls. I did that for ME and my sanity and for her in hopes that she would calm down.
When I called her she wouldn’t answer so I decided to put into practice some of the things I’m learning in Al-anon. I chose not to let my mood or happiness rely on her mood or happiness. I chose not to suffer the consequences of her behavior and decided to go to a book store with a friend. I sent her a text, since we did have plans and I didn’t know when or if she’d calm down and plug back into them, telling her that I was going to the book store, that I love her, and that I’d like to see her when she’s ready. It was my way of offering some affirmation of what I was doing and that we were OK. She called and became irate that I had decided to try to be happy and actually enjoy the day. She told me that she wasn’t coming over and that this relationship was over. This would be the third time in the last few weeks that she made such a declaration. I told her that I didn’t want that but if that was her decision I cannot change that. This was around lunch and my mind and emotions were quite frazzled from 5 hours of verbal assault. I told her that I was sitting next to my friend driving, implying that I wasn’t able to speak freely at the moment. She said, “Fine, I’ll let you go!” Then just hung up.
I continued on with going to the book store with my friend. We bought a few books and talked a while. It’s strange how the mind works, but I actually felt guilty for trying to be happy. My mind kept wandering to imagining how what I was doing was affecting her even though she had made all the choices that led up to where we were. I think those of us with alcoholic/addict partners get into an analytical mindset always trying to preemptively estimate what is going to set them off.
When I got home I told my friend that I was going to spend some time thinking. I have been working on step 1 in Al anon and was going to think more on some of the concepts. My AGF called. My heart leapt as it had been four hours and I hoped that she had calmed down and didn’t mean what she had said earlier, worked it out, and was ready to come see me. That hope was quickly dashed when I answered the phone. She was drunk (and probably high) and speaking in nonsensical dialect. (My AGF often abuses hypnotic/sedatives which caused hallucinations and other severe mind altering states). I was able to make sense that she had driven for the entire day but she wouldn’t tell me where she was. I wanted to com e get her to keep her from killing herself or someone else. All she would do is yell, curse, and talk in gibberish. Again, I couldn’t even get a word in and she eventually hung up.
After 9 hours of insanity (just today, not including the day before, and the day before…..) I decided that this has to end here for me. I packed all her things and took them to her house. I wrote a letter telling her that I love her but that I cannot continue to live this way. I encouraged her that she is beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful. That she just needs to focus on herself right now. Then I drove to the store and bought a new lock for the door of my home. I kept thinking as I drove, trying to find some motivation to stay…. I couldn’t find any. I bought the lock and took it home. I opened the package in the doorway and laid out all the parts. I could not bring myself to do go through with it. I decided to put the lock up and change it in the morning. It was a last attempt to see if maybe some miracle would occur during the night and save us. As I sat reading the phone rang and it was her again, still drunk and spewing venomous words. It was the push I needed, but didn’t want, to do what I’ve feared yet known that I needed to do for ME. I got up and changed the lock.
It only got worse from there…..Around 8PM I heard footsteps on my porch. I knew it was her and went to the door to meet her outside. I didn’t want her to come inside as I knew it would be even harder to get her to leave. She was a mess! Crying and hysterical. My heart immediately broke! It is so hard to see the one you love hurting and know that you cannot help them. I asked her in to avoid a show for all my neighbors. I was dumbfounded when she immediately picked right back up with the same argument we’d been having all day! The only difference was that her cries and words were followed by wafts of wine in person. I asked her if the only reason she came was to continue fighting. She then asked, “SO it’s really over?” and I said, “Yes.” She became violent at this point, throwing things around the house. I told her that if she wanted to talk, we could talk, but if she was going to break things she had to leave. She paused for a moment and then calmly and casually walked over to the kitchen counter and draws a butcher knife from one of the knife sets!
My adrenaline began to flow and my heart began pounding. I grabbed a chair from the dining table and used it like someone would use a stick to hold back a wild animal. I told her that I didn’t know what her intentions were with the knife but she needed to put it down. She replied that she wasn’t going to hurt me, as she staggered towards the bathroom wielding the knife. She goes in and closes the door, while I’m trying to wedge the chair in it, declaring that she’s going to kill herself. She had begun to self-injure herself over the last few weeks and I was very frightened. I told her that I was going to call the police if she didn’t surrender the knife. Her only response was, “call them!” So I did.
With police in route, she tossed the knife out of the bathroom. I called and told them that everything was ok, but they insisted on coming. When they arrived they asked us both what happened. We all listened to my AGF’s story first. This was the first time I’ve seen her manipulation as a 3rd party. She was so convincing and sounded like such a victim to the officers. She actually claimed that it was my fault that she chose to grab the knife! Then when it was my turn to speak, she showed her true colors. She interrupted and actually tried to talk over me like she always does, not allowing me to speak. I could tell that the officers were wising up to the truth of the matter. She became belligerent with the officers, demanding and telling them what they needed to do and what she was GOING to do. She was given two options, take a breathalyzer and drive home if she was sober or go to jail. I knew where this was headed and asked if I could just take her home. My AGF actually said that she’d rather go to jail (the officers said they couldn’t let me anyhow). After declaring that she wasn’t taking a breathalyzer the officers told her that she was going to jail then. She said OK. It was so painful and heartbreaking to watch her being handcuffed and led out to the patrol car. I felt like crying, but no tears would come. I felt like I had been so low for so long that I just couldn’t be any sadder.
Today is a new day. I’m going to take some major time to digest all this. I’ve discovered that I have some tendencies and behaviors that I need to work on and plan on doing that for a while. I’m sad and disappointed but optimistic about my future. I will always love this girl; I just know that we cannot be together. I also know that I will never date another alcoholic/addict again. I hope all of this is helpful to someone else out there that is struggling the same way that I was. This site has been my only support and help and I wanted to try to give back. Thank you all for being there.
Our final episode began early yesterday morning. I had planned a fun casual evening of dinner out and a movie at the theater. She was at her house and I at mine. We talked in the AM and agreed on the evening plans and exchanged our morning thoughts before continuing on with our day. She was to come over after her noon AA meeting. I sent her a text around 11:30 asking if she’d like to go shopping and to Yogurt Mountain after the meeting. After getting the text she called me…and that’s where the slippery slope began.
The first thing she said was, “I’m upset,” a phrase I am accustomed to hearing. I asked what was wrong and if she’d like to talk about it. She informed me that she wasn’t going to the AA meeting and that she was upset because she had decided to send her dog with her grandmother out of state for spring break so that she and I could be alone. My first thought was that is incredibly thoughtful, followed by a fear of what I think may happen because she has done this. In the past, each time she has been away from her dog for only a few days she becomes regretful and resentful towards me which manifests in aggressive words and behavior and ultimately fighting. The next thought was that given the gravity of this situation anything I say is likely to ignite a horrible fight. My reply ended up being, in a loving tone, “You didn’t have to do that baby. I do respect your choice though.” She immediately became incited and said angrily, “You say that as if I had some other option.” The truth is that I feel like she did have other options, but I was fearful to say so as it would only further aggravate an already building tension.
This was followed by a brief silence. I finally said genuinely confused, “OK, well, I’m not sure what you want me to say.” She began to yell at me saying things like, “I just want you to give me some instruction! Tell me you want me to come over! Tell me you want to go to a move! Just tell me something!” I tried to say that we had already discussed all these things, only a few hours ago, and that nothing had changed but at this point she was talking AT me not to me and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. Somehow she managed to hear above her own yelling that I wanted to speak. She told me that I wasn’t listening to her and that I was only thinking of what I had to say. She asked me to repeat everything she had said…so I did followed by a request to be shown the same respect to speak and be listened to. Her reply was, “No. I don’t care what you have to say!” Another phrase I’m accustomed to.
She tells me that she’s going to town, going somewhere, just doing something without me. I was very upset…mad, hurt, confused, but said, “OK, just call me if you want to see me,” hoping that she’d cool down and come to her senses. In the back of my mind I recognized this game though. It was the old pick a fight so I can be upset and use that as an excuse to drink and use and blame it all on you game. Typically when such fights occur I am left debilitated and just sit and analyze the situation until she decides we can continue on with our relationship and takes me of that metaphorical shelf like a battered toy that she thrown aside but is ready to play with again. I did sit and digest what had occurred for a while. She called while I was thinking and picked right back up with the yelling and cursing so I told her that I needed to catch my breath. I asked her to just take 30 minutes to cool down and said we could talk then. Of course she wasn’t going to have this and continued to call, so I ignored the calls. I did that for ME and my sanity and for her in hopes that she would calm down.
When I called her she wouldn’t answer so I decided to put into practice some of the things I’m learning in Al-anon. I chose not to let my mood or happiness rely on her mood or happiness. I chose not to suffer the consequences of her behavior and decided to go to a book store with a friend. I sent her a text, since we did have plans and I didn’t know when or if she’d calm down and plug back into them, telling her that I was going to the book store, that I love her, and that I’d like to see her when she’s ready. It was my way of offering some affirmation of what I was doing and that we were OK. She called and became irate that I had decided to try to be happy and actually enjoy the day. She told me that she wasn’t coming over and that this relationship was over. This would be the third time in the last few weeks that she made such a declaration. I told her that I didn’t want that but if that was her decision I cannot change that. This was around lunch and my mind and emotions were quite frazzled from 5 hours of verbal assault. I told her that I was sitting next to my friend driving, implying that I wasn’t able to speak freely at the moment. She said, “Fine, I’ll let you go!” Then just hung up.
I continued on with going to the book store with my friend. We bought a few books and talked a while. It’s strange how the mind works, but I actually felt guilty for trying to be happy. My mind kept wandering to imagining how what I was doing was affecting her even though she had made all the choices that led up to where we were. I think those of us with alcoholic/addict partners get into an analytical mindset always trying to preemptively estimate what is going to set them off.
When I got home I told my friend that I was going to spend some time thinking. I have been working on step 1 in Al anon and was going to think more on some of the concepts. My AGF called. My heart leapt as it had been four hours and I hoped that she had calmed down and didn’t mean what she had said earlier, worked it out, and was ready to come see me. That hope was quickly dashed when I answered the phone. She was drunk (and probably high) and speaking in nonsensical dialect. (My AGF often abuses hypnotic/sedatives which caused hallucinations and other severe mind altering states). I was able to make sense that she had driven for the entire day but she wouldn’t tell me where she was. I wanted to com e get her to keep her from killing herself or someone else. All she would do is yell, curse, and talk in gibberish. Again, I couldn’t even get a word in and she eventually hung up.
After 9 hours of insanity (just today, not including the day before, and the day before…..) I decided that this has to end here for me. I packed all her things and took them to her house. I wrote a letter telling her that I love her but that I cannot continue to live this way. I encouraged her that she is beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful. That she just needs to focus on herself right now. Then I drove to the store and bought a new lock for the door of my home. I kept thinking as I drove, trying to find some motivation to stay…. I couldn’t find any. I bought the lock and took it home. I opened the package in the doorway and laid out all the parts. I could not bring myself to do go through with it. I decided to put the lock up and change it in the morning. It was a last attempt to see if maybe some miracle would occur during the night and save us. As I sat reading the phone rang and it was her again, still drunk and spewing venomous words. It was the push I needed, but didn’t want, to do what I’ve feared yet known that I needed to do for ME. I got up and changed the lock.
It only got worse from there…..Around 8PM I heard footsteps on my porch. I knew it was her and went to the door to meet her outside. I didn’t want her to come inside as I knew it would be even harder to get her to leave. She was a mess! Crying and hysterical. My heart immediately broke! It is so hard to see the one you love hurting and know that you cannot help them. I asked her in to avoid a show for all my neighbors. I was dumbfounded when she immediately picked right back up with the same argument we’d been having all day! The only difference was that her cries and words were followed by wafts of wine in person. I asked her if the only reason she came was to continue fighting. She then asked, “SO it’s really over?” and I said, “Yes.” She became violent at this point, throwing things around the house. I told her that if she wanted to talk, we could talk, but if she was going to break things she had to leave. She paused for a moment and then calmly and casually walked over to the kitchen counter and draws a butcher knife from one of the knife sets!
My adrenaline began to flow and my heart began pounding. I grabbed a chair from the dining table and used it like someone would use a stick to hold back a wild animal. I told her that I didn’t know what her intentions were with the knife but she needed to put it down. She replied that she wasn’t going to hurt me, as she staggered towards the bathroom wielding the knife. She goes in and closes the door, while I’m trying to wedge the chair in it, declaring that she’s going to kill herself. She had begun to self-injure herself over the last few weeks and I was very frightened. I told her that I was going to call the police if she didn’t surrender the knife. Her only response was, “call them!” So I did.
With police in route, she tossed the knife out of the bathroom. I called and told them that everything was ok, but they insisted on coming. When they arrived they asked us both what happened. We all listened to my AGF’s story first. This was the first time I’ve seen her manipulation as a 3rd party. She was so convincing and sounded like such a victim to the officers. She actually claimed that it was my fault that she chose to grab the knife! Then when it was my turn to speak, she showed her true colors. She interrupted and actually tried to talk over me like she always does, not allowing me to speak. I could tell that the officers were wising up to the truth of the matter. She became belligerent with the officers, demanding and telling them what they needed to do and what she was GOING to do. She was given two options, take a breathalyzer and drive home if she was sober or go to jail. I knew where this was headed and asked if I could just take her home. My AGF actually said that she’d rather go to jail (the officers said they couldn’t let me anyhow). After declaring that she wasn’t taking a breathalyzer the officers told her that she was going to jail then. She said OK. It was so painful and heartbreaking to watch her being handcuffed and led out to the patrol car. I felt like crying, but no tears would come. I felt like I had been so low for so long that I just couldn’t be any sadder.
Today is a new day. I’m going to take some major time to digest all this. I’ve discovered that I have some tendencies and behaviors that I need to work on and plan on doing that for a while. I’m sad and disappointed but optimistic about my future. I will always love this girl; I just know that we cannot be together. I also know that I will never date another alcoholic/addict again. I hope all of this is helpful to someone else out there that is struggling the same way that I was. This site has been my only support and help and I wanted to try to give back. Thank you all for being there.
I decided to put the lock up and change it in the morning. It was a last attempt to see if maybe some miracle would occur during the night and save us. As I sat reading the phone rang and it was her again, still drunk and spewing venomous words. It was the push I needed, but didn’t want, to do what I’ve feared yet known that I needed to do for ME. I got up and changed the lock.
(nods head in agreement)
Sometimes our HP does for us what we can't do for ourselves.
I too was shown the reality of my addicted loved one, and it was the push I needed.
With time, I have learned to accept that some people can stay in our hearts, but not in our lives.
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the loss of the relationship. (((hugs)))
(nods head in agreement)
Sometimes our HP does for us what we can't do for ourselves.
I too was shown the reality of my addicted loved one, and it was the push I needed.
With time, I have learned to accept that some people can stay in our hearts, but not in our lives.
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the loss of the relationship. (((hugs)))
DVD5904,
My hope is that you print out your post above, and keep it.
Take six months to give yourself time, and space - away from this relationship - to begin to normalize and heal.
Go back and read about that one day (of how many???) in your relationship, and you will see just HOW MANY completely unacceptable behaviors and patterns were in this relationship, that over time the disease of addiction had sucked YOU into, to accomodate.
And decide you are worth so much more than that, and will never accept such behaviors, again.
Sending support!
CLMI
My hope is that you print out your post above, and keep it.
Take six months to give yourself time, and space - away from this relationship - to begin to normalize and heal.
Go back and read about that one day (of how many???) in your relationship, and you will see just HOW MANY completely unacceptable behaviors and patterns were in this relationship, that over time the disease of addiction had sucked YOU into, to accomodate.
And decide you are worth so much more than that, and will never accept such behaviors, again.
Sending support!
CLMI
If you are ever inclined to call her, watch "Fatal Attraction" first. Then you can decide if you want to get back on the roller coaster from hell.
I'm glad the fog for you is lifting, and that Al-anon is helping.
We are prone to minimize and re-write history. You will likely hear from her again. You may want to give her another chance. Be very very careful.
I'm glad the fog for you is lifting, and that Al-anon is helping.
We are prone to minimize and re-write history. You will likely hear from her again. You may want to give her another chance. Be very very careful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Thanks for this post DVD, I found it painful to read but necessary-I have had similar experiences with my partner and knowing that others have been through this helps a little.
You describe the whole situation so well, from the way the introductory statement inevitably leads to an argument, you were in a no win situation, and you always would be in a no win situation because as you have realised it's not possible to rationalise with this kind if madness. The whole tone of your post tells me you are a caring, unselfish person-exactly the type of person who might be vulnerable to continued abuse. You have tried everything to reason with her, to no avail, I know exactly how frustrating that feels and how hurtful the whole thing is. I'm not quite as far down the road as you, but I think it's coming, and your resolve has given me another rung in the ladder. Good for you.
You describe the whole situation so well, from the way the introductory statement inevitably leads to an argument, you were in a no win situation, and you always would be in a no win situation because as you have realised it's not possible to rationalise with this kind if madness. The whole tone of your post tells me you are a caring, unselfish person-exactly the type of person who might be vulnerable to continued abuse. You have tried everything to reason with her, to no avail, I know exactly how frustrating that feels and how hurtful the whole thing is. I'm not quite as far down the road as you, but I think it's coming, and your resolve has given me another rung in the ladder. Good for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and thoughtful replies. It has been a very hard day. I’ve laughed a bit and cried a lot. Sure…I’ll share that. This isn’t what I wanted but is what had to be. It breaks my heart when I think of how she must be feeling but I know that I have to think about myself now. I know that the following days, weeks, who knows is going to be trying and often difficult. Sadness and trouble have been no strangers to me and I think I’m ready to face them once again. This time I hope to discover what it is in me that contribute to this in my life and mend it. Thanks again everyone and good luck with your own life story.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I just want to thank you for your post. I know it's tough and sad. I too had something like this happen when I changed the locks, it seem to send my ABF or now I should say Ex-ABF over the edge. I did much of the same, a note and packed his things...I went out of town and he started texting, broke the window and I had to call the police. He is typically sweet and drinks until he sleeps. Horrible life but it seems like when I set boundaries (for once) he went off the deep in. Truly sad and so disappointed. This has been a month ago and at first I was sad, then mad that he broke in and put me in the position to have to call the police. Then I felt some relief that it was no longer my problem....now sad again. He has been my best friend. Although many times a horrible one bc truly wasn't dependable. Reguardless, I miss him, I love him or maybe I just loved what he could have been. Either way, it's tough. To the best of my knowledge this was my first relationship with an A. I have a lot of work to do because I need to figure out how I got here. I don't ever care to be involved w an active A again, truly deep pain. I hope for you that you will move forward and heal. Thank you for your post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
Thanks Sassy. It has been a hard few days. I have been very sad. I'm missing the good parts of who she was and of who she has the ability to become. I understand exactly what you mean in everything you wrote. I truly wish peace for all of us who suffer from this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
She doesn't have the ability to become a better person. Some day she may have the ability, but that day isn't today, and even then it doesn't mean she'll actually become a better person.
You don't date potential. You date reality. Remember that when you choose your next girlfriend.
Cyranoak
You don't date potential. You date reality. Remember that when you choose your next girlfriend.
Cyranoak
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