m1k3

I know exactly what that is like. I separated from my AW of 36 almost a year ago. I was terrified. Ha, a 57 year old ex Marine scared to be on his own but it was true. Flash forward to now and it is the best move I ever made. I'm living on my own and loving it. I look forward to coming home to a place where there is peace, quiet and safety. I love my life and I love me.

You know what the best part is? I now find myself smiling for no reason at all.

Your friend

Krys

I am so glad I found this group. Silkspin your post has me in tears because you are right. I was in such a good place when I met him, I was confident, surrounded by friends, and over the last few years all of that gradually went away. I would feel angry, sad etc but pushed it down because at some point I started to believe I was a horrible person and deserved it. I am going to copy your post and carry it around with me...I am getting there but need reminders everyday. Thank you.

Mike,
Your story is inspiring and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it is some how comforting to know that an ex marine was scared to leave too. Makes me feel a little less alone. I never should have left this group (I was here a few years back) I believed he was better, and I stopped checking in with people and most importantly with myself. Thank you for sharing.

melissa86

Krys i really hope you find peace with this, I can relate so much to what you're going through.

I have no advice as I didn't love my ex 1 bit when I left him, I did for a time but the more he was awful to me the love I had for him faded everyday until I finally hated him, he bashed me down and down until I felt worthless,then one day a light switched on in my head and I thought I'm just not scared anymore,I don't even care anymore what he says to me about how 'bad' I am. And I left him, and the feeling of power I felt that day completely over shadowed any fear of being alone. I was free finally of the mental and physical abuse and have learned so much from that time of my life to never get trapped like that again.

I'm sorry I have no advice to give as I didn't love my ex when I left which I guess made it easier for me to leave. But I want to wish you all the luck and strength in the world for you to do what's right for you. X

LaTeeDa

One of the things that I discovered in therapy was that my fear of discomfort often led me into situations that were way worse than the original discomfort I was trying to avoid. Is it really worse to be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt? I had convinced myself that being alone would be so horrible I was willing to put up with almost anything to avoid it. Turns out the fear of being alone was much worse than actually being alone.

L

Krys

Melissa you DID give advice. Sometimes it takes anger to motivate someone. It worked great for me in my last relationship. He wasn't an addict but he was a verbally abusive Ahole. lol. It was the easiest decision I ever made because of the anger. I don't know why I pick these guys but I am in therapy and have every intention of finding out. It's stories like yours that give me a reason to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

melissa86

I'm am so pleased you got a lil something out of what I said, I just felt I could so relate to you. There is light at the end of the tunnel you really must not be afraid of being on your own, I know,I'm sorry its way easier said than done I was petrified but its quite a nice feeling when you get used to it. I know I felt independant and strong,like a fresh start, ammend things with people you may have lost through being in the relationship and also make new friends etc. Its scary at first but also exciting as new opportunities do come out of nowhere and it will surprise you.
After I had found this new independance and was happy and comfortable on my own my surprise was I found mr right who is the complete opposite of my ex's. He is a nice guy and very supportive.
Good luck I'm really hoping you get happy! And I mean real happy where you smile for no reason but the fact that all is well and you're happy X

Krys

I'm not dumb...so why when it comes to him am I a total moron? He cleaned the whole house today and came home with one beer (one of those specialty types that can be bought individually) and after a long day of talking myself into leaving I actually thought maybe it will get better. It's the pictures that are killing me. The before addiction pics...3 years of happy smiling faces. URGGG

Krys

After a little thought I started thinking more in reality and not letting myself fall back into the fake security I get lulled into. The helpfulness and positivity is nice, but it's not an apology...it's a way around an apology and a way to try to win me over. Without a real apology, commitment to a program and a life without the booze it won't last. I have decided to stay at my moms next weekend to clear my head. She is away and we have his son...I don't want him to feel the tension or to put myself through seeing him and spending all weekend thinking it could be the last time I see him. In addition to this being unhealthy for me it's not healthy for my bf either. I'm not helping him by staying, I am letting him have his cake and eat it too. I never thought of myself as an enabler, but I am one every day I stay.

Live

I grieved hard and long over my betrayed 17 yr marriage. Somehow I could take care of everything for a family of 4 but not for myself.
But down the line, these little freedoms of autonomy came creeping in and I loved it.
If I didn't clean up the house by 6pm when he came home, so what, there was no one to criticize me.
Then kids grown, I eat what I want when I want, go out with friends of the moment 10 pm, sure , read myself to sleep with the light on and leave it on for when I wake up in the middle of the night to read a few more pages. Take a nap. Never have to hear a tv program ever again if I didn't want to. Only listen to music I choose when I choose, spend the day in the garden or hammock. Go on a dinner date, go home, never see that person again unless I really really want to.
then got in ADDICT BAD BOY RELATIONSHIP. HORRORS!!!
Took forever to disentangle and get out of that one,
Lost interest in men and casual dating at all for a real long time.
Skip forward years, I am engaged and the cool thing is, this guy liked living by himself too, so we give each other the space to remain ourselves even living together. For me it is the best of both worlds, we have each other's back but neither of us are leaning with all our weight on the other.
It's more like a dance. Sometimes you hold each other close, sometimes you step back and do your own footwork, and you hold hands and smile and walk off the dance floor with a smile and laugh about that cute little spin you all threw in for excitement.

My real word to the wise, it is easy to get passion feelings from chaos but it leads to hell and learning that peaceful love is a treasure takes time and work. No need to look for drama, the unfolding of life and nature provides enough of that...tears of joy and sorrow, is that person beside you going to be there for you? All the way?
If you are not sure, then being there for yourself alone is far far better.

celticgenes

Something my therapist said when we were talking about relationship expectations:

"Let's pick the bar up off the floor. Let's have higher expectations than not getting hit, him not getting a DUI."

In other words baseline decent behavior doesn't deserve a gold medal.

Katiekate

So sorry for your troubles, I am now trying to unravel a lot of stuff over the last couple of years. Being pounded into the ground and being told everything is my fault has finally gotten to me to the point of no return. Spending my days feeling anxious and depressed , unable to sleep etc has taken such a toll on my , there is no where else to go but up.

I feel your pain. Somehow alcoholics feel that the world is against them, that there is nothing that happens in their lives they are responsible for. Now he is using his ex girlfriend to get to you and she is in collusion with him because she has no self esteem. She is taking crumbs, because she is screwed up too. YOu are not, your feelings about this situation are spot on. Believe in yourself, try if you can to try and look at the sitiation clearly , what you see as bull is bull. I was told constantly that I was a mental case, that I needed help, the reality was, as I sit back now and look at the situation is that I was right. I am not mental or in need of help, what I am in need of is escape from a chaotic and toxic situation.

It makes me so sad and very angry to see you questioning your own perception of the situation, why???? I was there, I was not drunk, the only one who's vision was scewed was his. This is not easy, I am stuggling too, feeling loss, and fear and grief, it's so hard, but each day away is another day of healing. YOu are awesome and you deserve to be treated as such. I say this as much to you as I do to myself, I am trying. I want to be in relationship with a whole person, not an addict, addicts are not whole. Take good care of yourself, the further away I get from it , and I'm not that far away yet, the more I see how crazy making staying in it was.

Krys

Thanks guys. It is really difficult, but each day I am seeing clearer. I found out today that when my sister had her c section (2 1/2 years ago) the percocet that they gave her went missing. She never took one and a week after she had been home from the hospital and all the visitors had come and gone she noticed they were gone. She didn't tell me then because she didn't have any proof, but I wish she had. If he took them it was a full 6 months after he was supposedly sober (the first time)...it doesn't matter now, but it does shed light on how long he has been struggling. I have a lot of work to do as far as paying the bills, saving money etc before I can go, but I am starting asap. Katie you are an inspiration and it is YOU who is awesome! I know it took a lot for you to do what you did, I hope you continue to work on yourself and gain back your self esteem...you deserve it!!