I want my ex to love me enough to change.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
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I want my ex to love me enough to change.
....knowing what I know now, that will never happen. Then y even after I know this and he is in love with someone new, y do I still hope he will come back. I went on a date last night and thiught of my ex the entire time and how much i wished he was with me, not the new guy. I got home and caved last night and told him I hate how we ended up and I saw our lives so much differently and I miss him everyday he is away. He jus responded with.. I pray for u daily and maybe one day a few years from now we can be friends." I cried all last night.
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Justrae the "problem" lies within in as does the solution to you getting through this crisis. What I mean by this is working hard on yourself to discover what the issues are that keep you stuck wanting your ex back. I believe the best way to do this would be with a counselor or therapist. From what you describe he doesn't seem to come with a list of "must haves" needed for a healthy partnership.I'm not sure what more anyone else can suggest since your previous threads were answered with great suggestions. have you read through your previous threads and replies? Are you reading CoDependent No More? I'm sorry for your emotional pain Justrae, but you need to do the work to heal. I'm afraid that you will continue to carry your past and residual baggage into every future relationship until you get these issues resolved. Maybe you should put the thought of dating on the shelf until some work on you is done. A man ain't gunna solve this.
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Part of my process of recovery was learning the difference between love and need. They both feel alike. Therapy and Al-anon were a god-send for me and I highly recommend it. You don't want to be in this place, longing for someone who is completely unavailable. You deserve a good life and with hard work you can have it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Justrae,
I hoped for that also. Doesn't work. I am now divorced for over a year. During the divorce I had asked him if he could do something about it. He told me that he might, just not for me. Maybe for someone else.
I understand all that now. He wouldn't have been able to look at all the damage that he did to me, to us. Maybe with someone new, even though I doubt that also.
I loved him, loved him a lot, but he didn't love him, and if he ever had to look at the damage that he did, he wouldn't be able to look at himself. He wasn't able to do that b4, and he couldn't then.
All we can do is get our life back together again. Love ourselves, truth is you can't love another unless you love yourself.
About the new guy, can't really reply to that. I think you may need to do more healing.
Wish I could tell you how, but I am still in the process
My ex is now with someone else, he might have even been with this person when we were still married. Doesn't matter, he doesn't love himself, and whatever he finds wrong with himself or feels insecure about, he will blame her for it.
I hoped for that also. Doesn't work. I am now divorced for over a year. During the divorce I had asked him if he could do something about it. He told me that he might, just not for me. Maybe for someone else.
I understand all that now. He wouldn't have been able to look at all the damage that he did to me, to us. Maybe with someone new, even though I doubt that also.
I loved him, loved him a lot, but he didn't love him, and if he ever had to look at the damage that he did, he wouldn't be able to look at himself. He wasn't able to do that b4, and he couldn't then.
All we can do is get our life back together again. Love ourselves, truth is you can't love another unless you love yourself.
About the new guy, can't really reply to that. I think you may need to do more healing.
Wish I could tell you how, but I am still in the process
My ex is now with someone else, he might have even been with this person when we were still married. Doesn't matter, he doesn't love himself, and whatever he finds wrong with himself or feels insecure about, he will blame her for it.
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Oh wow, I did add in other things after this, but it only picked up this
Meant to add, don't know what to say about the new guy. I know that I need to work on myself more, build myself up more, get back to the person that I used to be, maybe you are not ready yet
Meant to add, don't know what to say about the new guy. I know that I need to work on myself more, build myself up more, get back to the person that I used to be, maybe you are not ready yet
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If we could love other people enough so they'd change none of us would be here.
We all love or have loved our alkies, the love doesn't count for them when addiction steps in.
And it works in reverse, once addiction kicks in there is no other love while it's active.
It's hard for us on the outside of addiction, and other relationships might seem odd, but we just need to look after ourselves, we know what's best for us and we need to not get drawn in to toxic situations, but it isn't always easy to do.
We all love or have loved our alkies, the love doesn't count for them when addiction steps in.
And it works in reverse, once addiction kicks in there is no other love while it's active.
It's hard for us on the outside of addiction, and other relationships might seem odd, but we just need to look after ourselves, we know what's best for us and we need to not get drawn in to toxic situations, but it isn't always easy to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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I'm so sorry justrae; I so feel your pain. I miss my now ex-boyfriend too, a lot, but I also know that I simply cannot MAKE anyone do anything. As much as I love him, I love myself MORE and I choose ME, my health, both physical and emotional, over anything else. He doesn't want to be with me? Ok, then. Yeah, it hurts...I won't lie about that. But as every day passes by, it will hurt a little tiny bit less.
I'm sorry you're in pain. *big hugs*
I'm sorry you're in pain. *big hugs*
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I used to feel the same way justrae..
Sometimes I still do (feel my happiness is outside) but its far in between!
Keep reading and posting in SR.. I posted hundreds of times... until I started getting alcoholism and codependency...
Mourning is OK, asking for help is OK. Therapy helps a great deal, have you considered it?
I am sorry you are going through this but as Live told me "you are still writing your own story". It feels like the end of the world but I swear there is much to come still.. many good things.
Sometimes I still do (feel my happiness is outside) but its far in between!
Keep reading and posting in SR.. I posted hundreds of times... until I started getting alcoholism and codependency...
Mourning is OK, asking for help is OK. Therapy helps a great deal, have you considered it?
I am sorry you are going through this but as Live told me "you are still writing your own story". It feels like the end of the world but I swear there is much to come still.. many good things.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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I do undertstand all this better now, I do get it. I just am depressed everyday that I have to start over. I hate that I miss him so much and hate that I have to go through this pain while he moved on and happy.
I did get into therapy but only had 2 sessons so far. We will see... I guess I just miss the hope and the idea of what we could of had and pissed he blew it.
I did get into therapy but only had 2 sessons so far. We will see... I guess I just miss the hope and the idea of what we could of had and pissed he blew it.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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It is so hard! I am sad every day for the family I wanted for our two kids. But, then I remember the past and what he has put me through. There something better out there that is not so hurtful. When you are sad remember the pain. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I reread text from him and even have a few crazy voicemails that remind me of what life used to be like.
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Originally Posted by justrae83 
I do undertstand all this better now, I do get it. I just am depressed everyday that I have to start over. I hate that I miss him so much and hate that I have to go through this pain while he moved on and happy.
It helped when I realized something. I thought he was pretty happy when we met, while we were dating etc.
It was a HUGE shock to me (there was red flags I ignored them) two weeks after we got married when I experienced the first black out, and violence (not towards me) with his alcohol use. It continued throughout our marriage. Though it was not daily it was regular and contributed to "walking on eggshells." This dynamic does not usually indicate that either party is happy.
I realized that right or wrong I am doing the same daydreaming stuff I did in the beginning of my relationship....he is perfect, it all would be great, he did not have any major flaws. I did this because he is in a new relationship and he told me he is happy. His behaviors prior to this (including starting to date so quickly), do not indicate internal happiness but external validation pretending to be happiness.
When the feel good chemicals wore off for us it was a struggle. I am far from perfect but I did not have a say in his internal happiness. When I really got to know him though he was not happy. As far as I know he has not done any significant work on himself or his use of substances that assist in working with sustained happiness.
I am placing a big mask on to hide behind when I play the game that he is happy (in addition to he is taking up free space in my head).
Gently but is your dating coming from a healed place or a way of looking for external validation also? I am asking because I am still not ready for romance and know it would be a way to hide behind another so I did not have to look at my own stuff. How is your individual recovery going?
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If we could love other people enough so they'd change none of us would be here.
The idea that love conquers all is the biggest crock of sh*t sold to people.
Love doesn't mean a thing if you don't have respect -- mutual respect.
And usually, two people in a relationship is enough.
And trying to have a relationship with an addict, you will always play second fiddle to the addiction. Always.
What he chooses to do, and how he feels or lives his life has no impact or bearing whatsoever on your value. And nobody can fix what's inside of you except you.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Justrae- it is so hard, I know. But something else controls him, he CAN'T change and he never will. These posts have helped me so much. Some key words I've held onto are "the pain and obsessing will stop when you decide it will stop" you are in control of your life, so take charge. He will never make you happy. The scars from the past will never heal if you are with him. The only way they will heal is if he is out of your life and you focus on YOU. Someone on here told me, the pain will stop when you are away from him, but it will continue if you keep contact with him. He = pain.. Ask yourself if you want pain in your life or happiness. Its a struggle, take one day at a time. I am still healing, and resisting the urge to text or call him. But he's not there for me, he hurt me together and apart. I don't want someone who hurts me, do you?
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Originally Posted by justrae83
I hate that I miss him so much and hate that I have to go through this pain while he moved on and happy.
It's your happiness, your health, your serenity that is the priority now. I have been where you are now, asked the same questions, felt the same pain, had the same doubts. I won't pretend that road is easy, it's not, but it's worth it. I was with my exABF for four years and a lot passed under the bridge during that time. We have been apart a year and while I am in a better place now, it took a lot to get where I am now, and will be ongoing for a long time.
Originally Posted by justrae83
I guess I just miss the hope and the idea of what we could of had
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(((Justrae))) - I apogize if I seem blunt. I'm both an RA and a recovering codepentent with THREE XABf's. The fist one? I spent 20 years with and turned into a raging codie. When I couldn't fix it, I turned to drugs.
What you want is similar to what he wants...life to be all happy, until do death do you part, but he's made it clear that you aren't the one he is feeling that for, andthere is this HUGE elephant in the room that you are ignoring. He's moved on. You are still stuck in the codpendency and addiction to him.
Do you really expect HIM to get into recovery for his addiction, when you are having such a hard time at getting in recovery from your addiction to him?
He is your ex. As hard as it hurts, at some point we have to accept it for what it is. I'd strongly recommend cutting all contact with him, considering what you're feeling...it's like every contact with him rips of a scab and leaves a painful sore.
I can't remember how old you are but I was 20 when I first met my XABF#1 and stuck by him, no matter what (and there was a lot of good times, there was also a lot of verbal and emotional abuse). I ended up turning to drugs to "deal with it".
After 5 years of finally listening to the people here (trust me, i thought my case was special, their words did't sink in). I recently heard XABF#1 got married and he's exactly the same as he was...30 years later.
I was obsessed with that man...tried to commit suicide a few times when he threathened to break up, and was a very sick codie. Today? Not only do I have NO desire to have him in my life, I pity the woman he married (doormat) and there's no way he could handle the person I am today, becuase I found my backbone.
Breakups hurt, no doubt, but as long as you keep obsessing about HIM, you're totally ignoring what it is that you see in him that is so wrong. Trust me, I've been there, and only going no contact and focusing on what *I* want from life, was I able to move forward. Honestly? I think you're focusing on what he COULD be, not who he is. I've also btdt.
Do you really want to be me? 40-ish years old and so miserable that I turned to drugs to numb my pain? This was after I asked him to beat the hell out of me becuase the bruises would heal faster than the emotional verbal pain he was inflicting on me (he didn't). Keep it up, you WILL be me, though you may not turn to drugs.
It's no way to live and you deserve so much better, but I really think you need to do some serious recovery on yourself. I certainly have, and the codie recovery has been far harder, but it's been soooo worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
What you want is similar to what he wants...life to be all happy, until do death do you part, but he's made it clear that you aren't the one he is feeling that for, andthere is this HUGE elephant in the room that you are ignoring. He's moved on. You are still stuck in the codpendency and addiction to him.
Do you really expect HIM to get into recovery for his addiction, when you are having such a hard time at getting in recovery from your addiction to him?
He is your ex. As hard as it hurts, at some point we have to accept it for what it is. I'd strongly recommend cutting all contact with him, considering what you're feeling...it's like every contact with him rips of a scab and leaves a painful sore.
I can't remember how old you are but I was 20 when I first met my XABF#1 and stuck by him, no matter what (and there was a lot of good times, there was also a lot of verbal and emotional abuse). I ended up turning to drugs to "deal with it".
After 5 years of finally listening to the people here (trust me, i thought my case was special, their words did't sink in). I recently heard XABF#1 got married and he's exactly the same as he was...30 years later.
I was obsessed with that man...tried to commit suicide a few times when he threathened to break up, and was a very sick codie. Today? Not only do I have NO desire to have him in my life, I pity the woman he married (doormat) and there's no way he could handle the person I am today, becuase I found my backbone.
Breakups hurt, no doubt, but as long as you keep obsessing about HIM, you're totally ignoring what it is that you see in him that is so wrong. Trust me, I've been there, and only going no contact and focusing on what *I* want from life, was I able to move forward. Honestly? I think you're focusing on what he COULD be, not who he is. I've also btdt.
Do you really want to be me? 40-ish years old and so miserable that I turned to drugs to numb my pain? This was after I asked him to beat the hell out of me becuase the bruises would heal faster than the emotional verbal pain he was inflicting on me (he didn't). Keep it up, you WILL be me, though you may not turn to drugs.
It's no way to live and you deserve so much better, but I really think you need to do some serious recovery on yourself. I certainly have, and the codie recovery has been far harder, but it's been soooo worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I empathize with what you are going through, my boyfriend and I just had a baby 6 weeks ago. He got drunk in the hospital the day after she was born. I had security haul him out. I got weak and let him come back around after 2 weeks. He took a job in KS very recently and we live in IL (to make a better life for our family-ha) I haven't heard from him in 3 days. It has killed me inside not to pick up the phone and call him but I realize I am worth more and so are you. My life just got a LOT more complicated, consider yourself lucky that you only have one broken heart to worry about. Wishing I would've "listened" to my sponsor years ago! Be strong, this too shall pass. (So I tell myself as well).
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In my experience, the A's love for me and the A's quitting drinking are unrelated.
Just because he drinks, doesn't mean he doesn't love me...
and just because he loves me, doesn't mean he won't drink.
"Addiction" and "Logic" don't appear to know each other.
Just because he drinks, doesn't mean he doesn't love me...
and just because he loves me, doesn't mean he won't drink.
"Addiction" and "Logic" don't appear to know each other.
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Ahhh I also felt so sad, and ANGRY because the man was out there laughing and moving on and already going out with someone else (like a week after we broke up!! the NERVE)
I felt I would go crazy with pain.
Now:
I know these things:
-If someone is drinking, smoking, taking drugs, there is NO LOVE in their life. They can, of course, smile, or even laugh, but THAT is not happiness. You know, happiness, the real deal, when you are sober and its deep and spiritual and meaningful and comes from within. It takes someone to start loving herself to start loving life. Someone in active destruction of their physical self is FAR away from this. It may not appear this way, but addiction is all about appearances.. apparent joy, apparent friends, apparent good times... tragic mimicry of life.
-Even if someone else IS happy, it doesn't take away anything from me. God/HP has an abundance of joy for everyone and what others feel or not feel at a given moment has ZERO impact on what I can feel today.
-Moving on=facing your fears, learning, being HONEST and MORE HONEST with yourself.
-Moving on≠dating without mourning and/or keeping an addiction. This is just more of the same BS. I know it because I was the one going from guy to guy. Lots of emotional/sexual abuse. Lots of sadness and victimhood on my part. Characters changed but not the roles. And no, no one else "fixed" me, I had to be HONEST and realize what happened with XABF was just an extreme of an ongoing theme (abandonment) and that I could go on this way I knew so well, OR take a different path.
-Once you start being honest and studying your history the outlook changes completely and you are no longer victim of others or of the past or of the circumstances, but an active player in your life, your wounds start healing (I have healed some of mine thanks to human warmth from others listening to my story), clarity comes, the sun starts shining (at least internally!) and little by little you feel a New Life is starting for you. This is what we call Recovery around here. A commitment to YOURSELF first and foremost. This experience you are going through now can be your "bottom" - your catalyst for deep change. This may be a gift in disguise.
-One of my gifts in recovery from codependency (in my opinion it is addiction to suffering and to chaos) is finally feeling some forgiveness, and being able to keep the person in my heart. To truly wish the best for someone else and let them go. To know you carry a part of them in your heart and its a cozy place, to let it be an aspect of your character, a source of strength, a chapter in your personal history, a step closer to HP: what we were always looking for.
All the best
TC999
I felt I would go crazy with pain.
Now:
I know these things:
-If someone is drinking, smoking, taking drugs, there is NO LOVE in their life. They can, of course, smile, or even laugh, but THAT is not happiness. You know, happiness, the real deal, when you are sober and its deep and spiritual and meaningful and comes from within. It takes someone to start loving herself to start loving life. Someone in active destruction of their physical self is FAR away from this. It may not appear this way, but addiction is all about appearances.. apparent joy, apparent friends, apparent good times... tragic mimicry of life.
-Even if someone else IS happy, it doesn't take away anything from me. God/HP has an abundance of joy for everyone and what others feel or not feel at a given moment has ZERO impact on what I can feel today.
-Moving on=facing your fears, learning, being HONEST and MORE HONEST with yourself.
-Moving on≠dating without mourning and/or keeping an addiction. This is just more of the same BS. I know it because I was the one going from guy to guy. Lots of emotional/sexual abuse. Lots of sadness and victimhood on my part. Characters changed but not the roles. And no, no one else "fixed" me, I had to be HONEST and realize what happened with XABF was just an extreme of an ongoing theme (abandonment) and that I could go on this way I knew so well, OR take a different path.
-Once you start being honest and studying your history the outlook changes completely and you are no longer victim of others or of the past or of the circumstances, but an active player in your life, your wounds start healing (I have healed some of mine thanks to human warmth from others listening to my story), clarity comes, the sun starts shining (at least internally!) and little by little you feel a New Life is starting for you. This is what we call Recovery around here. A commitment to YOURSELF first and foremost. This experience you are going through now can be your "bottom" - your catalyst for deep change. This may be a gift in disguise.
-One of my gifts in recovery from codependency (in my opinion it is addiction to suffering and to chaos) is finally feeling some forgiveness, and being able to keep the person in my heart. To truly wish the best for someone else and let them go. To know you carry a part of them in your heart and its a cozy place, to let it be an aspect of your character, a source of strength, a chapter in your personal history, a step closer to HP: what we were always looking for.
All the best
TC999
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