I want to start dating again, but...

Old 03-24-2012, 06:36 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am about two years from the beginning of the end of my marriage and 15 months out from the divorce.

I know I am not ready for dating yet. I am struggling too to get into new patterns. In large part other people are overwhelming for me (they were not before). A lot of this is because now I am "listening" to the red flags and just other information that I am taking in from them. Previously I would have my receiving signals on but would over ride these flags. Also More of my energy is directed internally instead of trying to fix the external world around me.

I have decided that I need to have a better handle on "relationships" that don't involve a romantic aspect before I could handle a romantic one.

Underneath it all though I am learning about myself that if I know how to take care of myself (and do it) who I am in a relationship with won't be as scary. If I can know myself to take myself out when I need to, and not stay because it is what I think is "best" for someone else.
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Old 03-24-2012, 07:15 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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This thread is what I need to read right now.

I have been out a few times with a recovering A (with a program, 5 years sober) unbeknownst to me till he sprung it on me. The red flags are starting to pop up for me. We had met casually a few times, both feel the attraction, go out for coffee, things like that.

Our first official date was last night and for me, the red flags were waving right in front of me, definitely telling me something. First and foremost, was the way I was feeling, anxiety, nerves, feeling scared since this was my first time delving into it in over a year, since the EXABF and I split up.

Things said, reactions to things I said or did, a lot of texting back and forth all in a short time would have before, had me over the moon, projecting on what could be happening. This time around, I was prepared in the sense that it was like deja vu all over again. Even knowing that, the old codie tendencies popped up as I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe, thing would be different this time around.

I think lillamy sums up best how I am feeling right now when she said this: "What I've found the hardest is that... it's very tempting to dive head-first into a new relationship and lose yourself in it and use those overwhelming infatuation feelings as an excuse to say "Look, I'm not that screwed up, all I needed was LOVE".... and THAT is dangerous...

It is a dangerous place to be for me right now. I have spent the last year trying to put my life back together after four years in a relationship with an alcoholic. I am beginning to enjoy my life, being single for the first time in a very long time. I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and my decisions. I have a program to help me out and friends within the program for support. I'm not sure if I am ready to take that step again, back into relationship roulette, with anyone yet, let alone with a recovering A.

Thanks again everyone, for this thread. It's what I need to see and read.
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:31 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Good morning guys! I spent ALL of yesterday on personal discovery. Like I mentioned before, I have some books I am using to help me with my recovery. Most of it is simply replacing habits I developed to protect me in my marriage and - I'm guessing - my childhood. Because even as I think about it. My husband WAS verbally abusive, but it was MY FATHER who would actually physically beat me, though having moved out at 17, thought I was safe. I coasted on Anger to get me through most situations.
Funny story: I like to write fiction (and I STILL might make it to be a professional writer someday ).
Anyway, I wrote a truly MESSED up story when we were still dating about an experience we had. And when I say MESSED up, I really mean it. We had been up all night drinking and doing coke (yes, I still did those things in the beginning) until he confessed to me he'd been in prison for attempting to kill a prostitute. No, this REALLY happened.
I had never been more scared in my life.
I wonder what he musta said the next day to convince me otherwise because about five months after this night (and story) I moved in wiht him, a year later, married.
Makes you ask: "If I could turn back time?"
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