Lost him tonight :(
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 15
This is serious stuff. I found my Dad (alcoholic) on the floor of his kitchen three days after I last saw him. I was moving him out of his house when we last met and he was moving in to a girlfriends house. She wanted him to stop and I think he did for a while. He had a stroke and wore a hole through his knee while on the kitchen floor I assume through seizures. He lived for a month in the hospital before he died of a heart attack. People need to know the dangers of alcohol withdrawal. It is not just a hangover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: US and Canada
Posts: 15
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts, prayers and posts. They do help, particularly, because of my husband's isolating alcohol problem, we don't have many around these parts to either share with or get hugs from.
Made it back down south safely (although, I did do a detour by accident - got back on the highway going the wrong direction after a gas stop and went about 125 miles the wrong way before I realized ... had to laugh, had done enough crying). 3 days driving was a good thing for me actually - I was able to talk to the air (and perhaps to my husband's spirit), God, myself, the dog and strangers - which helped me a lot. I needed that time and 'diversion' to get ready for what I had to face at home.
Now the mess to clean up - and believe me, it IS a mess, literally. He apparently died of a gastrointestinal hemorrage. I still can't face that yet - I shut the doors for now - will get to it in a day or two. His financial stuff is also all over the place. I have spent a day and a half now on the phone just trying to find out where we stand and get all the paperwork to come started.
Have slept ok, after the first night, but, I am not finding myself too hungry (and eating is something I do well normally ... lol). Began making some organic butternut squash/pumpkin soup tonight. Cooking always makes me feel better - the house smells divine. No one else to cook for now but I am not going to let that get in my way. It is part of how I will a) keep myself ok and healthy for the next while and b) soothe my spirit and lose myself a bit when things are bad. I find myself in tears a lot, at unexpected moments, but I am taking care of things slowly but surely (so many phone calls - my ear is sore) but I am calm most of the time I think.
Toxic daughter (my stepdaughter) is being dealt with by someone else in the family, thank goodness - that one would have been difficult - she was no sooner told but she apparently phoned his bank to report his demise and 'enquire' about whether they held any insurance policies with her name on them.
Sigh. Another in the long line of (others in the family say 'crazy') alcoholics in my husband's family. No one has escaped this horrible disease in many generations. I worry for her 2 young kids (and her husband, who I do not think has alcohol issues and is probably 'one of us' dealing with her) but I am staying out of that mire - not that I was invited to wade in. She shut her dad out so completely years ago (so, in effect, he lost all 3 of his kids, not just the 2 who died) and never wanted anything but money from him ever that her 'interest' in his death at time is somewhat suspect and other family members agree. Her problems are also sad - and, frankly, if she has any conscience left in her at all, she will be suffering for the rest of her life too. That doesn't make me happy, nor help this situation at all, mind you.
I do have some feelings of 'sorry' (not really guilt - I did what I could - but, had I known what I know now, he might still be alive because I could have called the ambulance for him when possibly he could not). Frustrating not to have been there the one I should have been - for his sake - but because of his own words, I didn't know the truth of his condition. It is just truly sad.
I am thinking too about the moment, a couple of years ago, when he finally admitted to alcoholism - perhaps I could have been less hands off and pushed more for him to get help ... who knows what might have worked on 'him' (each situation is different). I admit I always treated him like an adult and while I asked (and at the last, pleaded) for him to get help, I was hands off - his drinking was his drinking and as much his consequences as I could manage. He was so tortured (and now I know it was much worse than even I, his best friend for the past 15 years, knew). Each time I pulled back a bit though, he unfortunately just adjusted to the consequences. They were so minor - till this time - that I expect they didn't have much effect, except at times to make him question my love (when he was drinking and down at his lowest, instead of knowing I loved him, even when I told him I did, he would try to depress himself even more I think by trying to get me to say I didn't - but I don't lie so I didn't fall into that trap). I just hope he died understanding that, while I wanted him sober so we could really have the life we planned and wanted to live, I loved him unconditionally - even if I didn't like the drunk or being on the other side of his mistress vodka.
I will be posting here from time to time - and someday when I am through this immediate crisis period, I hope to share my story more - perhaps it will help others. You have all helped me so much. Thank you again.
(wpasierb - PS to you. My heart goes out to you. Yes, it is difficult - and no one in my family or his knew about all this either, so I think we may have had similar situations - I have felt from some that they thought I was enabling too. I am walking through one day after another and hope to find joy again some day though. I will not let this kill me as the deaths of my husband's children were able to send him, ultimately, to the grave!)
Made it back down south safely (although, I did do a detour by accident - got back on the highway going the wrong direction after a gas stop and went about 125 miles the wrong way before I realized ... had to laugh, had done enough crying). 3 days driving was a good thing for me actually - I was able to talk to the air (and perhaps to my husband's spirit), God, myself, the dog and strangers - which helped me a lot. I needed that time and 'diversion' to get ready for what I had to face at home.
Now the mess to clean up - and believe me, it IS a mess, literally. He apparently died of a gastrointestinal hemorrage. I still can't face that yet - I shut the doors for now - will get to it in a day or two. His financial stuff is also all over the place. I have spent a day and a half now on the phone just trying to find out where we stand and get all the paperwork to come started.
Have slept ok, after the first night, but, I am not finding myself too hungry (and eating is something I do well normally ... lol). Began making some organic butternut squash/pumpkin soup tonight. Cooking always makes me feel better - the house smells divine. No one else to cook for now but I am not going to let that get in my way. It is part of how I will a) keep myself ok and healthy for the next while and b) soothe my spirit and lose myself a bit when things are bad. I find myself in tears a lot, at unexpected moments, but I am taking care of things slowly but surely (so many phone calls - my ear is sore) but I am calm most of the time I think.
Toxic daughter (my stepdaughter) is being dealt with by someone else in the family, thank goodness - that one would have been difficult - she was no sooner told but she apparently phoned his bank to report his demise and 'enquire' about whether they held any insurance policies with her name on them.
Sigh. Another in the long line of (others in the family say 'crazy') alcoholics in my husband's family. No one has escaped this horrible disease in many generations. I worry for her 2 young kids (and her husband, who I do not think has alcohol issues and is probably 'one of us' dealing with her) but I am staying out of that mire - not that I was invited to wade in. She shut her dad out so completely years ago (so, in effect, he lost all 3 of his kids, not just the 2 who died) and never wanted anything but money from him ever that her 'interest' in his death at time is somewhat suspect and other family members agree. Her problems are also sad - and, frankly, if she has any conscience left in her at all, she will be suffering for the rest of her life too. That doesn't make me happy, nor help this situation at all, mind you. I do have some feelings of 'sorry' (not really guilt - I did what I could - but, had I known what I know now, he might still be alive because I could have called the ambulance for him when possibly he could not). Frustrating not to have been there the one I should have been - for his sake - but because of his own words, I didn't know the truth of his condition. It is just truly sad.
I am thinking too about the moment, a couple of years ago, when he finally admitted to alcoholism - perhaps I could have been less hands off and pushed more for him to get help ... who knows what might have worked on 'him' (each situation is different). I admit I always treated him like an adult and while I asked (and at the last, pleaded) for him to get help, I was hands off - his drinking was his drinking and as much his consequences as I could manage. He was so tortured (and now I know it was much worse than even I, his best friend for the past 15 years, knew). Each time I pulled back a bit though, he unfortunately just adjusted to the consequences. They were so minor - till this time - that I expect they didn't have much effect, except at times to make him question my love (when he was drinking and down at his lowest, instead of knowing I loved him, even when I told him I did, he would try to depress himself even more I think by trying to get me to say I didn't - but I don't lie so I didn't fall into that trap). I just hope he died understanding that, while I wanted him sober so we could really have the life we planned and wanted to live, I loved him unconditionally - even if I didn't like the drunk or being on the other side of his mistress vodka.
I will be posting here from time to time - and someday when I am through this immediate crisis period, I hope to share my story more - perhaps it will help others. You have all helped me so much. Thank you again.
(wpasierb - PS to you. My heart goes out to you. Yes, it is difficult - and no one in my family or his knew about all this either, so I think we may have had similar situations - I have felt from some that they thought I was enabling too. I am walking through one day after another and hope to find joy again some day though. I will not let this kill me as the deaths of my husband's children were able to send him, ultimately, to the grave!)
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
No one has a crystal ball to see when we should detach and when we shouldn't. It sounds like you did all that you could. You stayed, you loved him, you took care of yourself so that you were able to stay and love him. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. Your story will help people. It has helped me. Magic
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