CK02

Been with my partner for over five years; we're still in our early twenties, but have hit a really bad patch.

We both moved to a new city.. While I got on okay, he turned to alcohol for over a year and a half heavily. The drunkenness got out of control, physically hurting me, leaving me in restaurants randomly without telling me he was going, disappearing, then finding him in hospital after calling everywhere. I broke up with him as I just couldn't handle it anymore (It went on for months, with him continuously saying he didn't love me then apologising in the morning.. I was still in my late teens, had terminal illness in the family to deal with, finals and added with this I was feeling extremely low myself and just couldn't do it anymore). However, after two months we reunited, he had gotten sober with the help of a clinic and after going slowly for about 2/3 months, we got back together.

However, now he seems to have had a breakdown (been sober and 'normal' for 5 months), saying his mind has basically 'emptied' and that its my fault and that he needs me to know 'he's angry' about me causing it. I'm not a drinker, as I am a medical student and have had M.E in the past, so alcohol would not help me!

Basically, I tried to get him off the alcohol throughout the year before we broke up, and never succeeded.. Being called 'insecure and jealous' by most around him, even though they watched him get hospitalised 5 times in one month (failed his year at uni too due to it). However, now it's my fault 'I didn't get him off it, and because I ended it when I shouldn't have' (he was the one that had said he didn't want me anymore, and I just had enough and left). I feel broken and split, as half of me wants to hold onto the hope that the old man I knew will come back in time, and the other half saying it's too much for you to deal with now (dropped a stone and a half in weight to 7 stone in the past month and just feel like I'm in the clouds) - I guess its a heart vs. head situation. You may find me naive, but it's been five years and everything was okay, apart from the fact he has suffered from depression since he was in his early teens, but other than that we were going well until the drink and prescription drugs (sedatives, anti-depressents, stimulants etc) set in.

I know this is probably poorly written, but I am just exhausted by it all now, and don't know whether I'm being selfish in accepting it's harming me too much now to carry on, especially with him turning so resentful towards me when he goes into his night phases. Every doctor and test he has had done (all brain scans, bloods, tests etc) has come back clear and normal, yet he is so paranoid and consumed with the fact his brain is damaged and his life is over now, he seems to be stopping himself recovering, and I just don't know how much longer I can try and support him when he's trying so hard to push me away resentfully. Is it because he doesn't want me to suffer with his problems or does he actually blame me and not want me there?

- Interestingly also, he doesn't remember anything that has happened in the past 10 months basically, yet remembers me breaking up with him (i.e. the one negative thing I did in the whole year and a half of him being awful to me). He doesn't remember any of the times he did awful things, is that not slightly coincidental? I may seem nasty for thinking he is purposely 'forgetting' the things he did to blame me, but I haven't done anything, while he has just 'forgotten' hurting me so much?


Any advice would be much appreciated - I feel as though I'm losing my mind myself now, and I've just supported him the whole way and want him to be okay I don't know what to do anymore. Any help please.

Kitty

Pelican

Hi and Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You are among peers that understand how frustrating it is to have an addicted loved one.

When I first arrived here, I learned about the three C's of my loved ones addiction:

I did not Cause the addiction
I can not Control the addiction
I will not Cure the addiction

It took some time to accept and understand that I was powerless over the other adult in my life and the choices he would make.

Things that have helped me is/are: attending Alanon meetings, self-improvement books like "codependent No More", and spending time here at SR learning from other's experiences.

Keep coming back - we care!

fourmaggie

now he seems to have had a breakdown (been sober and 'normal' for 5 months), saying his mind has basically 'emptied' and that its my fault and that he needs me to know 'he's angry' about me causing it

1st of all, "this normal" will not be normal for at least a good 18 months of complete soberity....second, he is not in complete recovery if he is still in the blame game...he needs to take responsiblity for his actions and words...this in name shifting...
we learn in AL ALON:

3 C's
you did not CAUSE this
you can not CONTROL it
and there is no CURE

with that being said...please go and find an AL ANON meeting..this will help you so much...please read all of the literature and stickies and familiar yourself with the slogans, they do help....
STEP 1 is very important to use AL ANONers...

EnglishGarden

My guess is that he's a drug addict. (The words "prescription drugs" are buried in your post, but those, I think are the key).

Being in medical school, you have excellent research skills. If you read up on drug addiction, you'll likely see your bf on the pages.

Drug addicts are amazing manipulators and liars and they blame-shift and keep those closest to them in chronic fear and anxiety and self-doubt.

Your intuition is telling you to stay away from him, and your intuition is right.