CodeNameGiggles

I've commented on a few threads but I've never started one of my own. I'm going to try to communicate my questions, but they aren't issues that are necessarily easy for me to identify into a question. So I apologize in advance if this is confusing.

My husband is an alcoholic in recovery. Last year, he wound up in detox for almost two weeks after a suicide attempt (he detoxed for alcohol and benzo abuse - which he was taking to control withdrawal for when he couldn't drink, like at work). He has been in recovery since then by attending AA meetings. Personally, I think individual counselling would do him some good as well (for multiple reasons), but it's his recovery not mine.

My first question has to do with the terminology of triggers for the alcoholic and when it crosses the line from identifying what makes them drink to blaming those things for making them drink. One of the "causes" my husband identified for his final binge and plunge was the deteriorated relationship between myself and his mother. I do not get along with my MIL. The relationship hasn't been repaired since my MIL has inserted herself into my marriage, tried to insert herself into my parenting, and has crossed many normal boundaries that married people with children set, and when confronted pulls the "you don't love me card" with my husband - they are overly enmeshed, possibly emotionally incestuous, and my MIL loves to push buttons (she's also an alcoholic who is not in recovery). My husband occassionally mentions that the relationship is what triggered his drinking. It feels more like when he mentions it, he's blaming me that because I can't get along with his mommy, that his drinking was my fault, and if he relapses, it will also be my fault. Rationally, I know that isn't the case - I had long realized before detox that I didn't cause, couldn't cure it and couldn't control it. Maybe my only question about this is how to deal with it...currently, I ignore it for the most part, but I can't say on some level it doesn't irritate the becheesus out of me.

My second question is about relapse. My husband is an attorney. Until recently, he was an unemployed attorney due to his stint in detox and then an unwillingness to go forth and find a job. He attends a special AA meeting that is geared towards professionals, mostly doctors and lawyers, because of their "special needs" with recovery. One of my worries, and his as well because he's communicated this to me, is that he's falling into some of the "old habits" because of his job. He says his job was never a trigger...I'm not sure I believe that 100%. But his career path does tend to make him a more selfish, arrogant, and self-centered person...which are things that AA identifies as charateristics of an addict. I also worry that falling into those old habits/patterns will lead to falling into other old habits/patterns. Can you relapse emotionally without relapsing by drinking??

brownhorse

This is hard and felt the same way. Al-anon answers alot of these questions. Good luck!

ODAT63

Excuses, excuses and more excuses, you did not cause it, can't control it anc has NO cure! Go to al-anon and take good care of yourself, you are not alone.

laurie6781

Those are all excuses. Heck if I broke a fingernail it was a good excuse to drink. If I got praise or a reprimand from my boss, it was a good excuse to drink.

The next time he brings up the lack of communication between you and your MIL and any time after that give him the same response:

"Gee that sounds like something that needs to go in your 4th Step Inventory."

Then change the subject.

When he talks about his job in the same vein, the above is a great response for that also.

What he is doing is setting himself up with EXCUSES when he relapses.

In the meantime I do believe Alanon could help you a lot.

What a CROCK of you know what. He is not 'unique' and neither are any of the others that attend that meeting, they are just trying to be unique. To be honest, he needs a sponsor that has at least 25 years in recovery, that lived on the streets and now lives the steps in every facet of his life. That type of sponsor will not 'endorse' his BS and that's what that is, is BS. So are his supposed 'triggers.'

Please get to Alanon and don't buy into his BS.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps: I am 30+ years of continuous sobriety and 27+ years working and using Alanon for my codependent issues.

m1k3

There are nasty, self centered jerks who are alcoholics and when they quit drinking they are still nasty, self centered jerks. The difference is now they are sober, nasty, self centered jerks.

Also, the other stuff sounds his setting up his excuses and getting ready to drink again.

NYCDoglvr

God, this is so true. I'm an alcoholic (sober 20 years) so I should know

I suggest letting go of his alcoholism. He will drink or not drink and that is out of your hands. It has nothing to do with you. What we alcoholics learn in AA is that WE ARE RESPONSIBLE for staying sober and everything we've done in the past. There is always a choice involved ... pick up the phone and call your sponsor or drink. Stay in a situation that triggers drink signals or walk away (and call our sponsor). One thing I absolutely despise is drunks who blame their drinking on other people or situations. This isn't a disease of the elbow. We can decide to drink or not drink.

choublak

Emotionally incestuous?

EnglishGarden

You might pick up a copy of "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. She describes the blame-shifting and the alcoholic grandiosity very well.

silkspin

I recently read Allen Carr's easy way to control drinking. Not for him, but for me to learn more for myself. Really eye-opening perspective. One point he mentions that many rely on willpower. He mentions that many in AA are arrogant, self-centred people who are educated and intelligent. I've actually seen this when we attended a couples AA/ Al Anon group a while back - many AA's (in that group anyway) are exactly like that. Not only that but the author also mentions the lengths that many will go to in order to further their addiction be it smoking, drinking. True too, seen my AH drive in minus 30 (on a relaxing Saturday morning in my jammies) to the nearest store for a pack of smokes.

All that to say is that there ain't nothing wrong with their willpower - if they put in as much effort into the recovery as they did into their addiction they'd be angels by now. It's firmly addiction speaking to you, period.

CodeNameGiggles

Because I'm lazy, the Wiki definition: The term covert incest (also known as emotional incest or psychic incest) is used by some mental health professionals to describe a relationship between parents and children that is sexualized and expects a child to fulfill adult emotional roles, though without actual incest.

Basically, my MIL uses my husband as a fill gap of her lackluster relationship with her own husband. Any time he has sought an emotional relationship elsewhere, with friends or with girlfriends or with his wife, she uses the relationship and manipulates it so she returns to the #1 spot in his life and inserts herself into any relationships he makes outside of her.

In the 13 years I've known my husband, I've heard her tell the story about how she wanted more children but her husband didn't want any probably over 100 times. I've heard her tell my husband and other people how his father didn't really do anything for him as an infant because he didn't want a child. When we would go out with friends, she would get upset if she wasn't invited and it was a long struggle with him early in our relationship to get him to understand that we were allowed to have friends in our own age range and didn't have to include his parents as "friends" when we did things socially.

On top of that, she's very competitive and jealous, so she actually had the audacity to tell my husband she was upset with me because I did not have the relationship with her that I have with my own mother. She's complained to my mother about not liking her as much as my own mother. On our first visit to her house with my child who spent time in the NICU, she took the baby from me and said to my baby "I'm going to make you like me more than your mommy."

She's told my husband to divorce me so he can return home and live with them, she's had crises to reign him back in and cries about "not being able to bear losing him"....he's almost 40 years old, let's get real here.

I don't know why I let the statements get to me, honestly. I know better than that. I'm going to have to look at the two books mentioned.

CodeNameGiggles

woops double post

EnglishGarden

You might read up on Borderline Personality disorder re: your MIL. You won't be able to diagnose her, of course, but if she's Borderline (they usually attach to their offspring as you describe and hate the rival), there are books which offer advice to protect yourself from their traps. I doubt your husband would be open to any possibility his mother is Borderline, but if she fits most of the criteria, you could educate yourself about how to be safe with a BPD person in the family. Even if you aren't sure, the advice is useful for dealing with anyone with the characteristics you describe. And the emotional incest is very common for BPD mothers who are untreated.

choublak

I didn't know they had "special" groups. They're too good for the "plebeian" meetings so they create their own country club version? Sounds arrogant IMHO.

transformyself

As soon as you start focusing on yourself, getting yourself health and disengaging from all of his momma drama, you'll feel better.

You seem like a whip smart woman. Try this: whenever you start thinking about him, his recover, his mother, his issues, how much he worries or pisses you off- try consciously reroute your thinking to yourself. What you need right now, in the moment, to make your life better, than doesn't involve him at all.

Nails done? That's not me but it makes everything in my cousins world A-OK.
Working out?
Al-anon meeting?

Make a plan and stick with it. You'll be jumping for joy and they'll be left behind, with all of their issues.

Good luck.

fourmaggie

wow! and i thought my out laws are problems......

FindingJoy

Honey your RAH must be in the same "special" meeting as my RXAB.
Except their meeting criteria is for drunks who have a lot of cash.

They attend "regular" meetings as well but since they experience "special needs" because they have $$$$$ they have a sub-caterigory meeting.

Now why isn't there an alnon or Codie meeting for "professional men and women" or a meeting called " Codies with Cash????"

This is laugh worthy and QUACK worthy. Big points for creativity.

choublak

I truly hope you're joking.