Abused by 35 year old daughter!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
Abused by 35 year old daughter!
I am here because I am so mad I am spewing steam from my ears! Long story short, I had to move in with my 82 year old, still sharp as a tack, dad. I have had multiple neck surgeries, one stroke, diabetic, and am disabled enough that I will never be able to work again. I was forced to leave my abusive alcoholic husband for my own sanity and safety. My daughter lived here when I moved in, and it has been pure chaos ever since.
She has had a drinking problem for 20 years, and just turned 35. She thinks she hides it, but she doesn't. She is verbally abusive and aggressive when drunk, and has hit me twice. Since I moved in, she has called the cops on me when I went for a walk, telling them I was suicidal. They made me go to the hospital when the EMTS found my blood pressure to be 250/140. She called the hospital asking me how did it feel to get arrested, and my tricks weren't working. The staff called her nuts. She has locked me out of the house in the dead of winter, hidden my pillows and blankets and coats, shoved me, called me names-(rhymes with bunt and witch), tells everyone I am crazy, steals my food, throws out my stuff, hides the phones-and more! Whew!
Tonight she locked my bedroom door because I told her she needed to be sober for her kids (which she just got back after no contact for 3 years). She hid my dog in the basement so I would think she was locked in my room. My dad couldn't find the other key, and mine was locked inside my room. Thank goodness I had my window open. The neighbor kid had to pop the roll up screen and climb in. She called me fat witch and said "Let's hear you laugh about that!" She answered the phone and wouldn't let me talk to the caller, said she was me and said some horrible things. I told her I would NOT babysit for her tomorrow, and endured more name calling.
I have been pretty much raising her 4 kids the last year. She NEVER cleans, has taken over every inch of this house, leaves trash and diapers all over, dirty dishes, etc. If I didn't clean, this house would be red-tagged. Physically, it takes me forever to do much of anything, so I am exhausted every day.
How do I handle this? How do I handle her? My dad blows up at her sometimes, but he just can't handle all the drama. He doesn't know what to do, he doesn't want to kick her and the kids out, but after tonight I don't know what he might do. He saw her lock my door, and then lie about it.
How do you communicate with a drunk child who regrets, or doesn't remember, what she did? My nerves are shot, my dad is a wreck, and we both are at a loss for how to handle this situation. Any advice or thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.
She has had a drinking problem for 20 years, and just turned 35. She thinks she hides it, but she doesn't. She is verbally abusive and aggressive when drunk, and has hit me twice. Since I moved in, she has called the cops on me when I went for a walk, telling them I was suicidal. They made me go to the hospital when the EMTS found my blood pressure to be 250/140. She called the hospital asking me how did it feel to get arrested, and my tricks weren't working. The staff called her nuts. She has locked me out of the house in the dead of winter, hidden my pillows and blankets and coats, shoved me, called me names-(rhymes with bunt and witch), tells everyone I am crazy, steals my food, throws out my stuff, hides the phones-and more! Whew!
Tonight she locked my bedroom door because I told her she needed to be sober for her kids (which she just got back after no contact for 3 years). She hid my dog in the basement so I would think she was locked in my room. My dad couldn't find the other key, and mine was locked inside my room. Thank goodness I had my window open. The neighbor kid had to pop the roll up screen and climb in. She called me fat witch and said "Let's hear you laugh about that!" She answered the phone and wouldn't let me talk to the caller, said she was me and said some horrible things. I told her I would NOT babysit for her tomorrow, and endured more name calling.
I have been pretty much raising her 4 kids the last year. She NEVER cleans, has taken over every inch of this house, leaves trash and diapers all over, dirty dishes, etc. If I didn't clean, this house would be red-tagged. Physically, it takes me forever to do much of anything, so I am exhausted every day.
How do I handle this? How do I handle her? My dad blows up at her sometimes, but he just can't handle all the drama. He doesn't know what to do, he doesn't want to kick her and the kids out, but after tonight I don't know what he might do. He saw her lock my door, and then lie about it.
How do you communicate with a drunk child who regrets, or doesn't remember, what she did? My nerves are shot, my dad is a wreck, and we both are at a loss for how to handle this situation. Any advice or thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
I couldn't read this and not post something - oh my god, what a situation you are living with. I am a recovering alcoholic and if I had been acting as crazy as your daughter had been, I would have fully expected to be kicked out - in fact, there are times when I couldn't understand why my husband didn't at least temporarily leave the house.
Anyway, you can't handle this - remember, you didn't cause this situation, you can't control it and you can't cure it. So hard with four kids to think about, but the only option is to kick her out, IMHO.
Other folks will no doubt have more experience, strength and hope to share with you. I will be thinking about you.
Anyway, you can't handle this - remember, you didn't cause this situation, you can't control it and you can't cure it. So hard with four kids to think about, but the only option is to kick her out, IMHO.
Other folks will no doubt have more experience, strength and hope to share with you. I will be thinking about you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
If you are disabled, and dependent, there may be Adult Protective Services you could call for a consultation.
Abuse doesn't come from a mentally healthy mind; therefore it is likely to get worse. Please protect yourself before it gets worse by getting some sort of third party aware of the situation!
CLMI
Abuse doesn't come from a mentally healthy mind; therefore it is likely to get worse. Please protect yourself before it gets worse by getting some sort of third party aware of the situation!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
Thank you for your thoughts. I didn't sleep much last night, my brain wouldn't turn off. Yes, I am on Social Security. I don't get much because I was a waitress 30 years and the deductions were small from my check. Dad won't let me pay him anything, says it all will be mine when he passes anyways, bless his heart. I make sure I take care of him everyday, no matter how bad I am feeling.
I buy all our groceries, cook his meals, clean his room and do his laundry. It pains me to see the stress my daughter and grandkids cause him, cause this whole household. The kids see the way she treats me and are starting to mimic her. They are 11,9,7 and 2. I have had doors slammed shut on my face, things thrown at me, shoes kicked at me and am spoken to disrespectfully on a daily basis. When I try to correct them, they will tell me don't talk to me right now. They are ruining this house. They have destroyed the carpet, broke the screen door, lost (or stolen) items my dad had for 50 years, leave all the lights on, slam the doors, even refuse to pick up their garbage they have thrown on the floor, telling me it isn't theirs.
I have spoken to someone from senior services, and have to make another appt. to see someone from another senior help service to help me fill out paperwork for medical/meds financial help. I think it is a really good idea to involve, not just talk about it, but involve another third party. If my dad passes before I do, I will be at her mercy even though the house will be mine. She is studying to be a lawyer, and I just recently found out she is learning about Senior Law, and am afraid she will try to have me considered incompetent and take over my life. I am done being understanding about her problems, time for me to finally have a life. At 55 years old I deserve some happiness.
I buy all our groceries, cook his meals, clean his room and do his laundry. It pains me to see the stress my daughter and grandkids cause him, cause this whole household. The kids see the way she treats me and are starting to mimic her. They are 11,9,7 and 2. I have had doors slammed shut on my face, things thrown at me, shoes kicked at me and am spoken to disrespectfully on a daily basis. When I try to correct them, they will tell me don't talk to me right now. They are ruining this house. They have destroyed the carpet, broke the screen door, lost (or stolen) items my dad had for 50 years, leave all the lights on, slam the doors, even refuse to pick up their garbage they have thrown on the floor, telling me it isn't theirs.
I have spoken to someone from senior services, and have to make another appt. to see someone from another senior help service to help me fill out paperwork for medical/meds financial help. I think it is a really good idea to involve, not just talk about it, but involve another third party. If my dad passes before I do, I will be at her mercy even though the house will be mine. She is studying to be a lawyer, and I just recently found out she is learning about Senior Law, and am afraid she will try to have me considered incompetent and take over my life. I am done being understanding about her problems, time for me to finally have a life. At 55 years old I deserve some happiness.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but glad you found this wonderful resource of support and information.
I have not had to remove an adult child from my home, so I do not have first hand experience with that situation. It does seem to me that you and your father could remove some of the drama by asking her to find another place to live. She would have less time for antics if she is busy working on keeping up her on place and kids, IMHO.
I hope you will consider finding a local Alanon meeting for yourself. Alanon meetings are free, face-to-face support groups for friends and family of alcoholics. The meetings are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but tailored to meet the needs of the family.
I find lots of wisdom in reading some of the older, permanent posts at the top of this main page. They are referred to as stickies. I will share a link to a sticky that helped me while living with an active alcoholic. I followed the steps in this plan, and found a better way to care for myself. Here is a link to the post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but glad you found this wonderful resource of support and information.
I have not had to remove an adult child from my home, so I do not have first hand experience with that situation. It does seem to me that you and your father could remove some of the drama by asking her to find another place to live. She would have less time for antics if she is busy working on keeping up her on place and kids, IMHO.
I hope you will consider finding a local Alanon meeting for yourself. Alanon meetings are free, face-to-face support groups for friends and family of alcoholics. The meetings are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but tailored to meet the needs of the family.
I find lots of wisdom in reading some of the older, permanent posts at the top of this main page. They are referred to as stickies. I will share a link to a sticky that helped me while living with an active alcoholic. I followed the steps in this plan, and found a better way to care for myself. Here is a link to the post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
Thank you for that useful link. I am printing it out and giving it to my dad. I already follow the advice given, at least most of it. The problem is I am helpless to force her to face consequences because this is not my house, it is my dad's. After 3 years of not seeing his great-grandchildren, he is so overjoyed to have them back in our lives. Now the problem lies with what to do about her drinking and the fallout.
He doesn't want to kick her out, only because of the kids. She doesn't pay a dime, doesn't work, and lives off of food stamps, SSI (for panic attacks), medicaid and child support. She has more total monthly assets than my dad and I combined, yet she is always broke. The kids were severely abused by their stepmother, and their dad getting divorced from her is the reason my daughter finally got them back, but without legal custody. The kids have been through so much the past 4 years that it makes it extremely difficult to know what the right decision is.
I did call Al Anon last night and left a message; hopefully they will call back today. I can't handle this alone anymore and need all the help I can get. If losing her kids and home wasn't hitting bottom, then I shudder to think what her rock bottom is. I need to be prepared.
He doesn't want to kick her out, only because of the kids. She doesn't pay a dime, doesn't work, and lives off of food stamps, SSI (for panic attacks), medicaid and child support. She has more total monthly assets than my dad and I combined, yet she is always broke. The kids were severely abused by their stepmother, and their dad getting divorced from her is the reason my daughter finally got them back, but without legal custody. The kids have been through so much the past 4 years that it makes it extremely difficult to know what the right decision is.
I did call Al Anon last night and left a message; hopefully they will call back today. I can't handle this alone anymore and need all the help I can get. If losing her kids and home wasn't hitting bottom, then I shudder to think what her rock bottom is. I need to be prepared.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
This must be so hard for you. I completely understand your dad's desire to just have the grandkids back, but your daughter is something else.... I really hope AlAnon will be able to help you some. Yes, you do need to be prepared. If ok (hugs).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh my goodness. Please call adult services at your local DSS (department of social services) office. You are experiencing a dangerous level of abuse that will probably get worse. They would help you. You could also call a Domestic Violence Hotline in your area and they would provide some assistance and support.
Who has legal custody of her children? Some states have grandparent laws that establish visitation rights. That might be something to look into so that the fear of not seeing the children doesn't keep a very abusive and unstable person in your home.
I do not know how immediately serious your health issues are but if you have anyone (sibling, close friend, other children) that can be established as a power of attorney for medical decisions and/or financial decisions, that would go into effect at the time you could no longer make those decisions, it would be wise to put that in place now. I had to pay $150 to have that done (I am POA for my dad). You do not want her to have that kind of power over you.
Who has legal custody of her children? Some states have grandparent laws that establish visitation rights. That might be something to look into so that the fear of not seeing the children doesn't keep a very abusive and unstable person in your home.
I do not know how immediately serious your health issues are but if you have anyone (sibling, close friend, other children) that can be established as a power of attorney for medical decisions and/or financial decisions, that would go into effect at the time you could no longer make those decisions, it would be wise to put that in place now. I had to pay $150 to have that done (I am POA for my dad). You do not want her to have that kind of power over you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
Yes, I have already considered that. My best friend has POA for me, including medical decisions. My dad wants me to make one for him, so I will be busy doing that this weekend. I realized how dangerous she is when during my stroke, (a minor one) they wanted to give me a spinal tap to rule out infection/ms/other stuff. I told them I wasn't sure I wanted it, I wanted to talk first to my husband. Turns out she lied to me about calling him, she waited 7 hours before making the call. Then, she says to me to quit being such a baby, a spinal tap is no big deal, no different than an epidural. She talked over me to the doctor, and confused me so much before I knew it I was in position for the tap. Never again. And you are right, she is getting more abusive, I just need to figure out a way to make my dad see it and understand it. He and I need to be a team in this matter, and kicking her out is less painful than if the violence escalates. Thanks again for all the warmth, support and great advice. I truly am feeling much better now and stronger.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
She is studying to be a lawyer, and I just recently found out she is learning about Senior Law, and am afraid she will try to have me considered incompetent and take over my life.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by kiki5711 
The behavior you describe is not that of someone studying to be a lawyer. She sounds like a pathetic drunk. It's hard for me to believe she's in law school and raising her kids in the way you describe and act in the way you describe.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I think the FIRST thing you really need to do is REALLY talk to your DAD about the safty for YOU AND HIM...setting the kids aside...right now they are not your responsiblity...was wondering where the grandkids FATHER is at this point...maybe take them?...you need help...and this is not YOUR and YOUR DADS problems...
he does have the right to kick her out...and fast!...
AL ANON will help YOU make good decisions FOR the household...you are making decisions baste on the ALCOHOLIC who is running FREE
time to stop ENABLING...have you read MELODY BEATTIES" Co dependent no more...you and your dad should read it together as a step study.....good read!
hope more of my friends can give more advice here...
he does have the right to kick her out...and fast!...
AL ANON will help YOU make good decisions FOR the household...you are making decisions baste on the ALCOHOLIC who is running FREE
time to stop ENABLING...have you read MELODY BEATTIES" Co dependent no more...you and your dad should read it together as a step study.....good read!
hope more of my friends can give more advice here...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
She is not in law school, taking pre-law courses at the local college. She has always been manipulative and aggressive, but the drinking brings it out 10-fold. The kids father has them 3 days a week, and his parents are millionaires who are politically connected. They will spend any amount to keep it out of the courts that their son abused my daughter during their marriage. It is a story straight out of Hollywood, and the main victims are my grandkids. That is the reason I am not pushing my dad to kick her out, and my gkids have suffered enough the last 4 years, and I mean really suffered, to the point that the 9 yr old put a plastic bag over her head the other night and said she wanted to die.
There is way to much about this backstory to be able to go into, but I do have my reasons for tolerating this behavior when normally she would be out the door in a NY second.
I am furious with her for her drinking, and obnoxious ways, but right now my gkids need to know there is one stable adult in their lives who can and will take care of them. (2 counting my dad). I definitely will check out that book. I have always been strong and a survivor, but I need new ways to deal with all this recent BS. I appreciate each and everyone of you taking the time to comment and post helpful hints. Thank you.
There is way to much about this backstory to be able to go into, but I do have my reasons for tolerating this behavior when normally she would be out the door in a NY second.
I am furious with her for her drinking, and obnoxious ways, but right now my gkids need to know there is one stable adult in their lives who can and will take care of them. (2 counting my dad). I definitely will check out that book. I have always been strong and a survivor, but I need new ways to deal with all this recent BS. I appreciate each and everyone of you taking the time to comment and post helpful hints. Thank you.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
why are you taking responsiblity for her...you are ENABLING her and her behaviours...dont go there...she is an ADULT and that is how she should be treated...I dont care if she is in "law" school or not...this is not rite love...in order for CHANGE things must CHANGE...and how is that working for ya? its not right...so stop making excuses for her why she cant do this and cant do that....its NOT YOUR PROBLEM...and the grandkids? time to up the time with daddy...time to call daddy up and say...we cant do this anymore...now, its all your choice...but right now you are being manuliputed by all her excuses...
read the book, there is so much insight in there...you will see what i am talking about...NO means NO and is a complete sentence...you dont have to reason with her at all, she is an adult and time to start acting like one...
her responsiblities and her behaviours are just that...HER BUSINESS..start letting her MAKE THEM....
furious for her drinking...love, he has a disease..drink is always #1
read the first step...you life has become unmanageable and get to a meeting!
3C's
you did not cause this
you cant control it
and there is NO cure
read the book, there is so much insight in there...you will see what i am talking about...NO means NO and is a complete sentence...you dont have to reason with her at all, she is an adult and time to start acting like one...
her responsiblities and her behaviours are just that...HER BUSINESS..start letting her MAKE THEM....
furious for her drinking...love, he has a disease..drink is always #1
read the first step...you life has become unmanageable and get to a meeting!
3C's
you did not cause this
you cant control it
and there is NO cure
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