Jennifer124

I just needed to write (and read advice), because I am going though an emotional rollercoaster right now. Angry, sad, hurt, sobbing, strong, and repeat. I go though waves of sadness, and cry for the memories that I believe I am destroying. I think about loneliness, the good times, and I even wished he was home when I got home (I gave him two weeks or less to leave, I will change the locks). I still hold on to the psychotic notion that things will magically become the dream I have been holding onto for years. Its not, he is not capable of loving anyone who is not a bottle of beer, or an enabler. I hurt knowing he is probably out getting drunk, trying to find love elsewhere. He has put me behind the partying for the last 4 years, I have been alone, eating dinner alone, although did have a lot of time taken up calling, texting, and pleading for him to come home. How degrading. Why do i have to beg my boyfriend/ex-fiance to come home, have dinner with me, and hang out?

justrae83

Oh Jennifer124, i keep reading your threads and we are in the same boat. Where do you live, i feel like we should get coffee and compare notes ha ha. I too am out of a 6 year realtionship and ride this rollercoaster EVERY SINGLE DAY. One day I cry and cry and cry, the next all i do is pray, the next i am screaming and cussing out my ex who is not even there but it makes me feel better to know the agression is out (people think i am nuts when they drive by lol )

We all do what you are doing, we all have this dream it will work out in our favor and all the time, effort and love we put into the relationship will come to work out in our favor. But, as i have learned here. It never will The choice to leave is the hardest and the choice to throw all the time away and walk away from love is even harder. But i am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after 3 months and seeing my life in a whole new light and it is AMAZING. I still cry, i still hurt, i still miss him, sometimes i even want him back BUT, remember...who ever puts the most in the relationship, suffers the most.

We deserve a feast of love, not breadcrumbs. We deserve affection, no lonliness. We deserve great memores, not good memories topped with horrible ones. We deserve our hearts to be loved, not broken.

Good luck and stay strong. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

justrae83

Jennifer124

Heck ya justrae! And maya too. I think we are all in the same area (I am a couple hours away).
My friend just sent me the quote that I posted a little while ago...
I have to keep repeating it to myself...
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
We don't learn lifes lessons when we are happy and everything is going right, we learn them when we are in pain, suffering. We can choose to be at peace every moment of the day. We just have to choose it. The biggest part is letting go, accepting. I still hold onto the perceived control I thought I had, that he needs me to survive (I know, I know lol). I thought I was holding him as together as he could be, and if I let go, he would disintergrate into a pile of beer bottles, pizza boxes, and his feces. Seriously.

LifeRecovery

It is not easy. I think it is harder with addiction involved.

I was helped a lot learning about the grief cycle. It helped me to realize that the roller coaster was normal. The stages of grief are denial, bargaining (where my feelings you describe were the worst), anger, depression and acceptance. There is no order to go through them, and you can cycle through it more than once.

Be gentle with yourselves. It is never easy, but it does get easier with time and not beating yourself up that you are feeling a little rough.

Jennifer124

I cycle through all of them on a daily basis! It really is "riding the wave." Up, down, happy, sad, angry, hurt, relieved. But I do have to say, everytime I feel bad or need strength, I come to this forum and just read and read. So much support and acceptance, and understanding, because we all have gone through this crazy ride at one point in our lives.

FindingJoy

I'm with ya...going through the same grief cycle. Why is it so damn hard to shake an addict in recovery????

FedUpWith2Brats

I feel for all of you. I left my alcoholic husband 2 years ago. We were together 10 years. The drinking was there when we met, but I thought it wouldn't bother me. Bit by bit it worsened, to the point that I didn't go anywhere anymore except work, or grocery shopping when HE was at work, because I was afraid he would burn the house down or lose the dogs or some other crisis. Twice he started fires, and 3 times I came home to an open front door and no doggies. He talked about the bartender constantly, lied to me about her, and went to the bar an hour before it opened! Sex, what was that anymore? Heck, even a kiss on the cheek was far and few between. He would go to work, go to the bar, come home, pass out 2 hours, wake up, eat, drop his head into his food, wake up, finish eating, pass out in his chair, and complain if I used my computer (in the same room). The breaking point was when I had a stroke and was in ICU for a few days, the diagnosed with diabetes to boot! He spend about 2 hours total with me, and I had to have my friends' husband bring me home from the hospital cause he was at the bar. Got home, called him, and he still was gone 3 more hours. Left him, moved in with my dad and daughter, only to be abused by my alcoholic daughter. My poor dad, to spend his final years with all this drama. BUT, I do feel better about the marriage situation, and know I did the right thing. You can't "fix" someone who doesn't think they are broken, and all that happens is you get broken too, and if you stay too long you will never glue the pieces back together. Ask yourself "Why am I here putting up with this?" and you will find the answer and the strength to leave. Hugs to all of you, this is my first post here.

justrae83

Jennifer, I to thought I was the one holding him together. When he went to rehab back in april...I moved out. I still beat myself up EVERYSIGNGLE DAY thinking I left him when he neeed me most. I felt if I somehow was there holding his hand through the process that he would of stayed sober....i know now thanks to these forms and thereapy that I wouldnt of mattered. I CANT FIX HIM, I CANT CHANGE HIM.

I tried for another year while we were apart to make it work, only to find out he went back to drinking, did meth twice which was a new thing..(never happended before) did coke on new years ( his excuses was, well it was free and there of course i would take it, do you knwo how expensive that shi* is?!) lol and was back to taking pills which put him in the hospital. The fact he blamed me for all of it was the final straw along with his new "friend" which was a girl he started hanging out with. (now there madly in love i hear from him) ha ha

We CANT CHANGE THEM, we are not responsible for how they handle there business. I kept thinking like you, if i leave him he will go off the deep and and he needs me. Yeah he did need me...to enable him. I left and he just found another enabler to love, i no longer mattered. Everytime you think you abandonded him...just remember he will ALWAYS do what he wants and we just help them to there grave. Sad truth. WHY DO WE LVOE ADDICTS?

brownhorse

The main difference between grief of a loved ones death and leaving an AH, trust me I know, is that with grief it usually doesn't involve guilt. Leaving an AH does. So, in some ways it can be worse.

Jennifer124

It's so true, the guilt is what keeps us going back and torturing ourselves (and the very sincere promises). Along with the delusional thought that we are holding them together. I can't believe the cycle we get stuck in. I feel like I am getting stronger every day though, with the help of this forum and every one's post. My alarm clock this morning was my drunk soon to be ex stumbling in at 5am. He was not home when I got home yesterday, although texted me 3 times though out day/night, which I did not answer. Says to me before I leave for work today "I was worried, I thought you were dead, you didn't answer any of my texts." Ya, well he wasn't so worried to actually come home and check on me lol. I just felt disgust. I can't wait for him to leave.

brownhorse

It does get easier Jennifer. Mine has been out of the house since October. I know exactly what I am going home to every day. It still hurts and I feel pain but I can seperate what are his problems and what are my problems. I had an issue the other day with my house and it was amazing that I could just deal with the problem. I did not have to worry about him "trying" to fix it and how he was going to behave. The problems are simpler. That should make sense to some of you. And no more laying awake waiting for him to come home. It is hard, lonely, and quiet at first. But, in the end a million pounds lifted off my shoulders.

NYCDoglvr

You don't. It's your decision to do it. You could decide that just today you won't have any contact with him. I've been in the deep pain you're in and had to hang on to friends to get through it. What helped was I only focused on the reality of the person and how unimportant I was next to alcohol. I kept the focus on THAT, not fantasy stuff or dreams. I promise you it passes, the busier you can be the better.

mayalewiston

I can PROMISE you that once you get him out of your apartment, it will get better. For me, the first week alone was really hard (honestly, the worst) BUT about a week or so after that I got such clarity. When you live with them and see them nearly daily, it's really hard to see things clearly. I'm only 2 weeks into my new apartment and I see him soooo differently. When we met for breakfast yesterday to discuss finances, etc... I just found him to be so pathetic and felt SOOO different about him than I did when I was living with him everyday. It wasn't until we got space (and I went nuts reading on SR) that I really saw the situation clearly. Get him out of there and I really think you will feel better... once you get out of the initial shock/sadness.

Justrae - I am SO proud of you!! You have truly come so far in the past few days and are now giving others amazing advice... I knew you would! We are all so similar - 6 years for me as well (and unfortunately a marriage.. UGH)!

mayalewiston

One more thing.... The thing that really got me through the separation for real, as I'd started and then called it off so many times, was thinking back to times in the past, whether it be years, months, etc... where I had started to leave and then stopped the process. The next time it happened I would be so mad at myself for not doing it the last time and thought about how much further along I would be had I just went thru with it, and I really promised myself I would NOT be sitting here in the same situation again in 6 months from now (or likely a matter of days/weeks) just wishing I would have gone through with it when it happened the "last time." Also, I really think back to a specific time (his 2nd worst bender up to this last one) when we were engaged and called off the wedding... While I know I can't change the past, I really wish I would have stuck to it then and not married him. You don't want to be me! Do you really see this man as your future husband? If not, why keep putting yourself through this crazy circle of miserableness?? Stay strong girl! xx

FedUpWith2Brats

You know, at first I used to think how I couldn't imagine a future without my husband. As time went on and he became more verbally abusive, and I had to "babysit" him everyday when he came home from the bar, I still refused to acknowledge the harm he was doing to me. Emotionally and physically I was a wreck, but yet I clung to our marriage.

Then, as he became his disease and was consumed by it, I started thinking about the future in a different light. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life waiting on him to get home safely, staying awake all night so I could make sure he didn't start the house on fire from smoking, or never going out with family and friends for fear of him being home alone. I couldn't imagine him being able to take care of me if some illness brought me down. He had already shown he was unable to be there for me during biopsies, neck surgery, and finally a stroke. Reading his dying wife's diary, I found her entry pleading for him to just come home a little earlier from the bar, to spend time with her, to please be sober just for one day.

Tears ran down my face as I read on, my tears dropping down onto her tears in her journal of the last few weeks of her life. If he could leave the love of his life, the mother of his children, to lay dying while he was at the bar, how on earth could I expect him to be there for me? It was at that point I knew that I no longer WANTED him in my future, as he wouldn't be there anyways, and I would always be alone .

Sometimes being married and alone is lonelier than actually being alone, without your loved one. So please, take time and think about 20, 30 years from now. Do you see him with you, or just there? When you can actually start seeing your future without him, then you know the answer to what you must do. Stay strong and believe in yourself. This is the only life you have, how do you want to spend it?

fourmaggie

your grieving for what a FANTASY that was NOT....your grieving for a man that can not BE with out a drink in his hand...

these are normal feelings...this will take time...lots of time..i can admit for me its just now...2 years after he has gone and left...THANK GOD, i can move on and forward and look at the good stuff ahead of me....

Jennifer124

You all are spot on. I am completely unimportant next to alcohol. Even him saying "I thought you were dead (not answering texts all day, have never done that before)," wasn't enough for him to come home from the party.
And I can't imagine a future with him. Scratch that, I can imagine a future with him, and it is miserable. I found out from a mutual friend that he actually comments and jokes about how he has told me that he would be home hours ago. So again, it is all the lies "I got caught up, so and so whom I haven't seen in forever bought me another beer, etc."
And telling friends about him trying to manipulate through sex. Saying "only you can prevent a cheater," or "see, that's why I go out all the time." Not even understanding I have so much built up resentment, I don't want to touch you most of the time. But nooooo, it is all about him, getting his needs met. ARGH. ok, done with rant.
The grief I feel is the fantasy I had of a happy life together. Because when I think about it, why the heck would I grieve this miserable joke of relationship. Example, I pay to get his engine fixed because he blew it up, he goes to the bar. of course i think I am helping him, but I have been asking him for ONE YEAR to finish paying me back (he paid back almost half so far, last paid me one year ago). But then he spends hundreds of dollars on alcohol and weed per month?
He tried to be all nice last night, kissing my hand, saying those texts to another girl didn't mean what i thought they did. I am not falling for it this time, and maya, I know what you mean because I am kicking myself in the butt for not following though last June. But I did go to the real estate office yesterday and set up a day to get locks changed!!!! And then told my ABF last night the exact date he needs to be out (and of course throwing in "the sooner the better.").
Thank you all for listening and all your support. Like you maya, again, i have become obsessive on this forum, reading everyone's experiences and advice, and everything has become so much clearer. The lies, manipulations, obviously the importance of alcohol, lack of any kind of normal conversation, and just not actually having a partner.

Jennifer124

sorry want to clear up something that may not have been clear. I, not my ABF, was telling friends about what he says to me if I don't want to "get naked" with him. He doesn't tell friends that (as far as I know). That was me trying to find out if that is normal to be guilted into sex, even though he is definitiely not deprived. Sorry if too much information lol.

FedUpWith2Brats

I wish I had found this site years ago, it would have helped me see the light a lot sooner in my marriage. Even though I am now divorced almost 2 years, reading posts from all who experienced the exact things I did is very helpful. Now I just have to work on my daughter's alcoholism, so I too will be obsessed with reading everyone's experiences. Next time you see me I will probably be from with her LOL!