Thank you for existing, SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 16
Thank you for existing, SR
First off, I have to say that I am so happy to have found this forum. I only wish I had found it sooner... but, I suppose I probably wasn't ready for the harsh light of reality until now.
One week ago today, I cut off contact with my (now ex)ABF. Lucky for me, we were only together for 5 months, but boy were those intense. Having grown up with an alcoholic circus for a family, I saw the red flags. I knew he had a drinking problem since, oh, date #2 when he downed a couple bottles of wine and told me he just got a DUI. I laugh at this now, because in my right, logical mind I'd never take on a third date after that. Of course I was not (and maybe still am not) in my right, logical mind, so I stuck around to see what would happen next.
I'm sure you all know what happened next. A lot of booze, a few ultimatums, a few breakups and makeups, embarassment on his behalf, slurred (and later forgotten) professions of love, excuses, rationalizations, cleaning up messes, and a daily questioning of my own sanity. Who knows how long I would kept "seeing what would happen next" if he hadn't blown me off for a week to (presumably) be drunk every day without my nagging, which resulted in me having some time to remember how nice it was to not have Mr. WastedFace around all the time.
When he came back with a half-assed apology, I told him that I won't be seeing him and I hope he gets some help which, despite his claims otherwise, will not and cannot come from me.
Of course I still feel like crap, I miss the good times, and I've had fleeting moments where I thought about going back. But I know that in the long run, this is absolutely the right decision for so many reasons. And really, the emotional rollercoaster has taught me a lot about myself that I'm starting to see as the fog begins to clear a teensy bit. Unfortunately what I've realized is that I have a lot of work to do, and I have a lot to think about regarding the other As and dry drunks in my life. But... I guess realization is a good place to start?
So, thank you to this forum for giving me a place to see I'm not alone at a time in my life when it really feels like I am. Here's to recovery.
One week ago today, I cut off contact with my (now ex)ABF. Lucky for me, we were only together for 5 months, but boy were those intense. Having grown up with an alcoholic circus for a family, I saw the red flags. I knew he had a drinking problem since, oh, date #2 when he downed a couple bottles of wine and told me he just got a DUI. I laugh at this now, because in my right, logical mind I'd never take on a third date after that. Of course I was not (and maybe still am not) in my right, logical mind, so I stuck around to see what would happen next.
I'm sure you all know what happened next. A lot of booze, a few ultimatums, a few breakups and makeups, embarassment on his behalf, slurred (and later forgotten) professions of love, excuses, rationalizations, cleaning up messes, and a daily questioning of my own sanity. Who knows how long I would kept "seeing what would happen next" if he hadn't blown me off for a week to (presumably) be drunk every day without my nagging, which resulted in me having some time to remember how nice it was to not have Mr. WastedFace around all the time.
When he came back with a half-assed apology, I told him that I won't be seeing him and I hope he gets some help which, despite his claims otherwise, will not and cannot come from me.
Of course I still feel like crap, I miss the good times, and I've had fleeting moments where I thought about going back. But I know that in the long run, this is absolutely the right decision for so many reasons. And really, the emotional rollercoaster has taught me a lot about myself that I'm starting to see as the fog begins to clear a teensy bit. Unfortunately what I've realized is that I have a lot of work to do, and I have a lot to think about regarding the other As and dry drunks in my life. But... I guess realization is a good place to start?
So, thank you to this forum for giving me a place to see I'm not alone at a time in my life when it really feels like I am. Here's to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
It is a really good thing you got out when you did! I put 6 years in hoping my exab would change..he did then didnt, then didnt then did..then sober then not then Yeah. lol WHAT A MESS, great guy but he was a beautiful disaster. Have you ever heard that song by kelly clarkston? Perfect description, brovo for leaving...becuase belive it or not, when you fall in love with an addict it is SOOOO hard to get out becuase you become addictive to the addict from the drama and "fixing" you do....
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
I am almost 4 years (and a baby) in to my ABF. Found this site a week ago when i felt like there was no hope and it has changed my life. Thank you for Being here and for this thread!
I am so glad that you got out when you did...*cheers*...here is too a life that is well lived!
I am so glad that you got out when you did...*cheers*...here is too a life that is well lived!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by littlemutt 
So, thank you to this forum for giving me a place to see I'm not alone at a time in my life when it really feels like I am. Here's to recovery.
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear of your difficulties. Unfortunately it is the same type of pain that has brought us all here. I hope we both can learn a great deal from this site and the people here.
Coming here is a first step.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Welcome! You are a smart girl and you sure did the right thing.
Life is too short to waste it with a drunk.
Now work on yourself and use SR and Al Anon to help you keep from going down that path with another man in the future. Those red flags are great when we allow ourselves to see them. Hugs to you!
Life is too short to waste it with a drunk.
Now work on yourself and use SR and Al Anon to help you keep from going down that path with another man in the future. Those red flags are great when we allow ourselves to see them. Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
SR has been my sanctuary for close to three years. When I found it, I was a mess but after reading some of the posts, I knew I wasn't alone.
It literally changed my life and helped me grow so very much. Thanks does not begin to describe the gratitude I have for this wonderful place.
It literally changed my life and helped me grow so very much. Thanks does not begin to describe the gratitude I have for this wonderful place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 16
Thank you all for the warm welcome! You'll certainly be seeing a lot of me.
I was thinking this morning about why it is that I've never really taken to Al-Anon or ACOA and why I always kind of felt like an outsider. I realized that until now, I never identified with the statement that my life had become unmanageable. Well, I can say with confidence now that between my codependent habits and my choice of partners and friends, my life has certainly become unmanageable. I greet this realization with open arms because I'm pretty sure that's my first step to getting better.
I was thinking this morning about why it is that I've never really taken to Al-Anon or ACOA and why I always kind of felt like an outsider. I realized that until now, I never identified with the statement that my life had become unmanageable. Well, I can say with confidence now that between my codependent habits and my choice of partners and friends, my life has certainly become unmanageable. I greet this realization with open arms because I'm pretty sure that's my first step to getting better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
good for you, and stay strong. it is hard, fighting those feelings of taking him back. but there is no good future with you and an AB. i have to tell myself this every day, every hour sometimes. i spent 3 years and became financially connected, what a disaster. i saw all those red flags, starting with date #1 and ignored them! there are some things i regret doing, but at least now i know to never get involved with an alcoholic again.
mine has been gone 10 days and although i miss him at times, everything in the house has improved. no more dozens of beer bottles lying around the house, and front door being left wide open and the dogs out front. this is strange to say but the entire house smells better! my bedroom no longer smells like metabolized alcohol, theres no beer cans in the shower, or crusted vomit on the toilet. your whole life improves. i wish i had gotten out at five months because i'll tell you one thing, it gets much much much WORSE
stay strong, and you should be proud of yourself. and yes this site has gotten me through SO MUCH
mine has been gone 10 days and although i miss him at times, everything in the house has improved. no more dozens of beer bottles lying around the house, and front door being left wide open and the dogs out front. this is strange to say but the entire house smells better! my bedroom no longer smells like metabolized alcohol, theres no beer cans in the shower, or crusted vomit on the toilet. your whole life improves. i wish i had gotten out at five months because i'll tell you one thing, it gets much much much WORSE
stay strong, and you should be proud of yourself. and yes this site has gotten me through SO MUCH
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
SR is a great place to hang and learn things. There are a lot of people with a lot of wisdom. As for Al-Anon there is a lot of good things to be learned there as well. You don't have to jump into the deep end. I look at it as group therapy and I'm a big fan of the slogans. The steps and sponsorship not so much. So as they say in the rooms take what you want and leave the rest.
Your friend,
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