lama

Hi,

I need some advice, I have been with this guy for three years, when I first met him he coming over to my house in his lunch break drinking vodka, and from then on every night I was with him he was either drunk or stoned, I stupidly was enabling him with the pot occosianly, we went on to live together for a year and in that year, he would drink everynight and when he ran out of the pot he would have servere withdrawls and meltdowns, after one bad episode one night of drinking too much and me not judgeing him the next morning but instead showing him love, he decided to not drink and for three months was sober, until his sister came over with beers and her encourageing he started to drink, he would push me into getting the pot and I did end up getting it after alot of persuasion but this was my fault, this went on and I felt bad for him I guess as he really had a tough time coping with anxiety, as he was jobless and left his full time work a year ago, his house got sold, so we decided to move in to a rental, he had to have an operation and when he came out of hospital he smokes pot until it ran out, after he ran out I stood up to him and refused to not buy anymore, and he was also not drinking so I refused to enable him, he then decided to break it of with me and move into his parents house, we were back together in five days and slowly his mum gave him small drinks of wine when his father was not looking, his father does not like his drinking, after two months, he moved back in with me probably because his father was abusive to his mother and him, his mother fits the profile (I found on this site) of being the one in control and walking around saying not to stress, thinking she is better and knowing more then other people, and that is not a judgement but a fact, it comes with being the caretaker in the family and a once high profile career woman, she is in control,
anyway after two months of my boyfriend moving back in, and him not working and me working from home, It was at this point was enabling him with pot, eventually it ran out again and this time I refused to get anymore that was it, I actually told him to go away for three days with the withdrawl instead he stayed home became all the withdrawl symptoms of paranioa and thinking I didnt love him , he had also been drinking every day, two days after the stopping of pot, we ended badly and he ended up at his parents, the sad thing is I know he really loves me and we are soul mates I am not deluding myself there, and i realised I was not good for him I was enabling him and it was not just him but also me, after that breakup we hooked up two weeks later and I sent him email saying I had realised I was enabling him with everything, the trouble is he is at his parents were his mother is enabling his behaviour and his father is being abusive to him he is nearly 40, I have been focusing on my own life and I suspect he has aspergers as well, I a still seeing him ......but like these forum says he is still drinking when he sees me its all about him, he is broke as all his money is on alchol and he has bottles in his boot to hide from his father,
I have gotten up and got my life together and been positive and learnt about my enabling and codependancy and 6 months ago I was being very clingy this has stopped, but I still feel very sad or depressed that such a strong and beutiful love between us can not exist because of the drinking and the anxiety and being at his parents is only making his situation worse.

he actually said the other day he doesnt like who he is, and gets anxiety if he knows he has upset me. that proves he doesnt love himself and constantly feels bad about who he is,

I am in the position now where I will not live with him until he is sober again, and financial, but is seeing him on the weekends and he drinking, I am still enabling him, he also cant tell his parents he is seeing me as his dad will tell him that why is he not with me and his mum probably thinks I am bad for him which I was as I was getting the pot for him, but I have learnt this big time and know I will never fold again,

But my question is what do I do, do I say he needs to be sober before I see him again even though that is really hard, or shoud I keep seeing him very casually and be there as non judgemental person, I am not buying him alcholol but is hanging out with someone on the weekend and they drink enabling him, I see him during the day and watch movies and he doesnt drink with me then although I know he goes home and will start having beers around three, he ussually starts drinking around 2 or three

DesertEyes

Helo lama, and welcome to the Friends and Family section

This forum can get very busy, even hectic sometimes. Please give the "regular" members a little time to answer your post. Your questions are not being ignored, there's just a lot going on at the moment.

I recommend the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good information in those posts that will give you a start on dealing with your guy. Especially look at posts about "boundaries", that is when you decide what behaviors you will accept from him and which you will not. A boundary also involve a "consequence", which means if he does not respect your needs then you have a plan as to how you will respond.

That is a perfect example of a boundary. You decided that for your own life and sanity you will not tolerate his drinking. The consequence is that you will not live with him while he is drinking.

You can set up boundaries around that as well. If he drinks or get stoned will you continue to see him casually? For how many years of him drinking and getting stoned will you continue to see him casually? You decide how many years, and if he is not clean and sober by those years then you decide if you walk away.

You can also set boundaries for yourself. What are you getting out of this casual relationship? How many years will you allow yourself to continue getting whatever it is your are getting? 5 years? 10 years?

Am I making sense with that? It's hard to explain with just text on a computer.

Anyway, welcome again, I hope SR can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Mike

fourmaggie

please give yourself time to make good choice for YOU...not because of HIM...

are you in AL ANON?...good place to start....meetings are awesome, you learn so much in real life...here too...my friends will be around to give more insight, but i do love what DESERTEYES have said...

3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure

SoaringSpirits

Now you start working on YOU. What do you want in your life? Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Leave the drunk guy behind, you are worth so much more! He sounds quite progressed, and it won't get any better unless he himself decides he wants something better. That may or may not ever come. Don't waste your life waiting around for it.

TakingCharge999

He sounds a lot like my ex alcoholic boyfriend.
3 years later he keeps drinking.

I recommend the book "the Grief club" by Melody Beatty... hope you can get a copy.
Let us know how you are doing.