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How do I know this is the last time?

Old 03-21-2012, 10:48 AM
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Question How do I know this is the last time?

I be married 3 years this coming May. It's been a rocky ride being married to an acholic. At first it was just all the time drinking then running off not holding a job til back and forth to jail. Back in 2010 he finially went into rehab after is drinking got him into cheating and being abusive to jail. After rehab he done good for about 3 months started missing meetings til he fell back off the wagon. he stay off a month or two and get back up and 3 months later fall back off. during this time he didn't cheat and was on verbal abusive. when he reach a year of that he feel off hard and went back to cheating couldn't keep job to the piont i ran him off. But while I wan't home he return and took off in my truck that I had removed the fuses hoping he wouldn't figure it out but i was wrong he put tenfoil in the fuse box and took off. when i recieved a call that the truck wasn't home. i called and reported it but by the time the law found him he'd done hit a parked car and left the seen. so he went back to jail repeating most of the charges he had the year before. they gave him 8 months total but gettin out in 6 due to working while there. so far he's been in 3 months. i've been getting myself together and trying to decide what is next in my life. his family tells him it's my fault he's stays in jail all the time and i'm the reason he's there now. when he told me that i snapped and told him my thoughts and that is why he gets no better cause of them bringing him back down. he's angry with me cause i wont leave money cause i don't write him all i do is see him once a week praying to see a change. when he told me he be out early and it is on our 3 yrs i should be happy but i was more like o no he's not ready he's not learned a lesson he's not hit rock bottom to i have no idea what i want anymore. i so strongly want to believe this time he means it. trying so hard to for give him for cheating on me for the 2nd time. but when he makes the comment that i don't need to worry unless he drinks. just tells me he don't love me enought to stay faithful. and i sometimes believe that why he drinks so he can cheat with no guilt. his mom gives him money she not worried how he spends it, his dad offers him place to stay and all the beer he wants... i'm so confused right now knowing if he can't ride his ppl he may never stay sober... i can't afford to keep him up. nor do i want to stay stressed out wonder what he doing while i'm working... and i've stayed faithful but don't know why after all the pain he has caused. but i can't seem to just cut the tie. i truely love him but how do i know he means it this time? do i take the risk for one more shot sense he be on state probation. i know as long as he goes to meetings he can do it and as long he stays away from certain ppl he can make it. he such a good man sober but such a terrible man drunk. how do i know? i guess i really just need to get this off my chest to others who truley understand my pain. i've been to aa and it's amazing the similarty of these ppl and i try so hard to hand tight cause i love him. i truely want to see him make it and this is the last time.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:04 AM
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why not let him go back to his parents and wait and see if he seeks help?

what is the rush?

but from what you've described, he'll probably go on a bender when he gets out.

you deserve someone who loves and respects you.

have you tried going to alanon?
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Old 03-21-2012, 05:04 PM
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You don't. This is the one day at a time part. I don't know either. My wife's been sober for over a year. She could be relapsing right now. I don't think she is, but she could be. That's the life I've chosen for now, but my choice is also one day at a time.

This, in my opinion, is the only reality when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic.

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Old 03-21-2012, 05:51 PM
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"He is such a good man sober but such a terrible man drunk."

I know what you mean, nahade. Some people think alcohol just reveals who the true person is. But I personally believe alcohol distorts who a person is. I do believe alcohol can turn good people into monsters.

I grew up in your part of the country and I know the culture. Alcohol is a big part of things where I came from and men just drank. They all did and some of them became alcoholics. Like yours did.

I saw their women run into the ground mentally and spiritually from being verbally and sometimes physically abused. One woman I knew used to have to hide in our cellar with her children when her AH was on a drunk. She never divorced him, she could never have supported herself, there was nowhere to go. He got worse and worse and one day he shot himself while he was drunk. He didn't die. He stopped the drinking, but he was an emotional mess for ten more years. Then he died a natural death of heart disease.

His children, all six of them, grew up and either became alcoholics or married one. My best friend is one of his girls and she has been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. Her husband didn't stop drinking until he got esophogeal cancer. (Caused by alcohol). He's still alive. But he's not happy. He never went to AA and found some friends. He's not happy.

I share all this with you because I know there is a good chance you will hang on for a long time waiting for him to change. He might change and he might not. But while you are figuring things out, nahade, I recommend you live separately from him. Life is precious, your life is precious and you need to protect your spirit and your health. He may go on and off the wagon again and again. It will be ugly. You will be hurt. So if you feel you cannot leave him for good, at least live separately. Bring people into your home--friends, family--who make you feel safe and happy, who love you just the way you are. So when he does go off on his binges, you will be in a secure place knowing you have people who love you no matter what.

Welcome to SR. We are glad you are here.
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Old 03-24-2012, 08:24 AM
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Honey, it's not even CLOSE to the last time.

First rule of A: they are liars by nature.

This one doesn't even seem to be trying to hide it.
Run fast and far.... you deserve to have a good and decent life without his drama and abuse!
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Old 03-24-2012, 10:08 AM
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The only reason he is sober right now is because he is in jail.

The best indicator of his future behavior is his past behavior. How long has he been sober on his own without rehab or jail as the reason for his sobriety?

You want to know if this is his bottom, is this his last time - but my question to you is this:

Is this your bottom? Have you had enough of the cheating, abuse, financial instability, lies, denials, baby-sitting, blame-shifting and manipulations?
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Old 03-27-2012, 05:32 AM
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this weekend my friend who drinks that handles it different from my husband, had a serious motorcycle wreck and killed his gf... knowing he didn't mean to but he and her both made an unwise choice and it's heart breaking. he's in jail and i'm sure he'll be changed in it. but i told my husband to use this as an example that could easily be him that could of killed someone. and he just blows it off as i never drove with anyone with me and i really should spoke up but didn't. fact is he has done that and to me he's not learning nothing. i don't see the change all i see is he sober cause he's in jail. closer the time comes the more i want to relocate. i was hoping he would have served his full sentance but as always he gets out early. he's done got mad enough to send home his wedding band and i didn't take it back to him. i'm starting to look for a place but there that part of me that struggles to let go. feel like my love has turn to pitty and guilt knowing that if i leave he wont make it and at the same time i know if i stay he may not make it. i really need a crystal ball it would make things so easy to see what is ahead of me... thanks everyone for the talks, it's nice to talk with others that understand.
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Old 03-27-2012, 06:48 AM
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I'm sorry to read about the drunk driving incident that landed your friend in jail. I understand why you shared that with you partner. It wasn't the reaction you hoped for was it?

I think now you know that your gut instincts are right - he hasn't changed.

I want to share one of my favorite sticky posts with you. It has information about staying hooked in relationships that don't have boundaries. Like how I kept letting my A (alcoholic) hook me back into the relationship because I wanted to believe he needed me - and that is an unhealthy reason to stay in a relationship. Here is the link and one section of the article:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy

Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."



9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:43 AM
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Your wrote: I be married 3 years this coming May. It's been a rocky ride being married to an acholic= Ive been married 27 years and he still hasnt changed.
Who cares what his family thinks. They are not living with him and you dont have to either.
"Rocky Ride"-I call it a roller coaster. Personally, if you dont see any actions to the words that he says then its time to Let go and Let God.

How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Answer: When his lips move.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:49 PM
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yes this has truely help in the end i do believe that is why i stay the fear of what will happen to him... i didn't see him on his visit sat and i feel fine about it.. all i got from his mom was were i was and to bring his stuff... there was nothing about are you ok is anything wrong it was nothing but his control even when sober... i no longer what to be in the control part.. i was always trying to please him and forgot about myself... i'm glad to be able to talk to my friends and enjoy life... i've now started packing his stuff and drawn out the papers... if he is truely meant to stay sober he will and not use me as the fall back on to take care of him when he takes a fall.... i do pray he makes it and nothing bad happens to him. but i can't keep living in **LL.
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:45 PM
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'i do pray he makes it and nothing bad happens to him. but i can't keep living in **LL."

And, that is totally your choice, he has choices...as do you.
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:34 PM
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There's really no way to soften this. You don't know it's the last time. Ever. When you get to the end of any given day and nothing happened, then nothing happened that day.

So here's what I say to you: Seize the day, live your life, and be merry for tomorrow they may drink.

The trick is to learn to be happy whether they drink or not.

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Old 04-12-2012, 04:43 AM
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it's crazy after ignoring him for two weeks and then i answered his phone call... I ended up feeling guilty about what i was about to do. but then he calls the next day to tell me he wasn't coming home and that he never wanted to be married. that he couldn't promise he'll stay sober and faithful. after the phone call i cried like a baby for hours... it stinks giving your whle heart to someone that just shatters it... i finially started making my self happy and he didn't like it... in return he just had to say he done everything he could to make me mad so i would divorce him... time will heal my pain...
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:37 AM
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After rehab he done good for about 3 months started missing meetings til he fell back off the wagon.
Nahade:
Your husband has back problems. His wife is on his back, his boss is on his back,The judge is on his back and his creditors are on his back. As soon as his back problems are gone...........guess what.
It sounds like he's just in his corner resting up until the bell rings for another round.
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:59 AM
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nahade,

Welcome. One of the hardest things for me to learn was I had absolutely no control over my wife, none. I couldn't control her drinking, I couldn't make her act like a real partner, I couldn't make her care about what she was to herself and to me. I had no control at all.

And you know what? Once I accepted that I felt free! I was no longer responsible for her behavior. I was no longer responsible for whether on not she drank. It wasn't my job to take care of her messes and clean up after her any more. I was free to start focusing on me. I could finally let go and start living my life, guilt free. It was up to her to stop drinking, clean up her act and grow the eff up. Not my job any more.

I found that running my own life was plenty for me. I have since moved out about a year ago and I am in the middle of a divorce right now. I have my own life and I love it.

My new motto is This Is My Life and Life Is Good!

Your friend,
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:44 AM
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Great advice in these posts. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me..."
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