calblondie

Hi all,

I broke it off with my exABF 2 1/2 weeks ago. He has since moved his stuff out of my house. We haven't had much in-person contact - mostly when he was coming to get his stuff.

We have, although, talked on the phone and texted a little bit. He claimed that he is going to AA and has started seeing a therapist. He has told me that he will do whatever it takes, however long it takes for us to be together.

I have plans to see him at lunch today to really just test the waters. I love the man, but I hate the alcoholic. I am worried that he will just try to reel me back in and that I won't know the right way to assess the situation.

So he says that he is going to AA and therapy - Do I just believe this? How can he prove to me that he is sober and being honest? I have had such a hard time trusting him in the past - his intentions always seem so good, but his follow-through is horrible.

Last night we were texting and he just stopped answering me around 815PM. I called him and there was no answer. This is what he used to do when he was out drinking...just drop off the face of the Earth, so it automatically made me angry! He called this morning and apologized, claiming that he fell asleep when reading to his son in bed. I guess I just don't know HOW to trust him. I am attending Alanon meetings and I know that I shouldn't check up on him, but I feel that urge!! Any advice on how to approach meeting him today would be graciously appreciated!!

Karin

Tuffgirl

Why reconnect right now? As hard as this is to hear - I am going to pass on advice from my trusted mentors through my journey with an alcoholic husband:

Give it a year. Or three. Actions speak louder than words. If he is truly committed to sobriety, you will see changes in small increments. But just "getting sober" is literally that - getting sober. There is still a long road ahead.

And you, in the meantime, can do some work on yourself. Alcoholism effects all around the A. Learn how to be the partner of someone in recovery. I highly recommend Al-Anon.

MyBetterWorld

He can prove it to you with TIME. I personally think that no one truly trying to recover should be in any sort of relationship before a year of sobriety/recovery.

calblondie

Tuffgirl, anvilhead, MyBetterWorld,

Thanks for your quick responses. So you think I should go completely NC with him? Do you think meeting with him today is a bad idea? Or is now the time to tell him that he needs a year in recovery before I would consider dating him again? This is what I need help with...thanks again!

Karin

m1k3

I am pretty much no contact with my stxaw. I will have contact until the divorce is complete than after that I have no need to see or hear her again.

So, yeah, meeting with him today is a bad idea.

Your friend,

LaTeeDa

I don't think you need to tell him anything. Just wait and see. (And focus on yourself)

L

Tuffgirl

I completely agree. And I know its hard to hear - I was floored when I was first told to give it at least a year. A YEAR? But its now been almost 1.5 years and I understand what everyone meant then. It was hard, but worth it. We've both learned to be better partners to each other now.

m1k3

I'll be the 3rd to get behind that. For your own sake there is no need to get in touch with him. Give yourself some time and space in your head to figure out what you really want. If it's meant to be now it will be meant to be one year from now.

Your friend,

laurie6781

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

All of the above!

1. Do not meet him today.

2. Go no contact.

3. No you do not need to tell him 1 year, that is your boundary not his.

4. Find some alanon meetings in your area and start working on you.

Will this be Hard? and Tough to do? Of course it will. But this is for YOUR Sanity, YOUR Peace of mind, YOUR serenity. This is about 'fixing' YOU, as you are the ONLY ONE you can fix.

J M H O

Love and hugs.

calblondie

Thanks everyone for your candid advice.

I have been attending Alanon and will continue to...I have a lot of work to do!

Karin

TakingCharge999

So did you meet him ?
You can be honest here...

I met an XABF time and time again just to get more hurt. I wish I had listened to the wise SR folks here!