FindingJoy

Some of you may know my story quick refresher: was with AExB for 2 years, I was friends with him for one year prior to relationship; 9 months into the relationship I realized (admitted to my self) that he was an addict of all sorts (pills, alcohol, food); he got sober 9 months ago and has been in AA with a sponsor but still working the program HIS WAY.

I finally had enough of the roller coaster. He wants me in his life, gets me back and once I let him in again he does something to push me away. Whether its bring aloof, lying, not interested in sex, etc... Then I get upset leave and he tries to get me back again. You all know the deal.

I broke up with him 3 months ago and haven't seen him. Went NC feb 13th.
ALL UNTIL LAST SATURDAY. We work in same industry there was a big conference and we both had to attend and we knew each other would be present. My RexAB didn't honor my NC and has been emailing me this entire time but I only responded once.
Soooo..I saw him, spoke to him, had sex with him (yes I know), and now I'm back home trying to resist calling him. I know he's not well enough for me to be in a relationship with...can I be friends with him? Or am I just having a Codie Alert relapse?

BREAKDOWN: no using, working program, still not respecting boundaries, probably still has sleep apena (we only have slept next to each other a handful of times in two years because of this issue), I miss him, I miss our talks, sex, hanging out, laughter..

Is it safe/appropiate to be friends with a RExAB ?

Your honesty and guidance will be very appreciated.

choublak

Not if you're having sex with him, it isn't.

aliveforme

Sounds complicated and tough.....
my therapist once told me...."there is more than one man who can make you happy"
That being said....you should take a few breaths and find some peace for yourself first and know that you are enough before you try to delve into this...
sounds like it would take a lot on your part to keep going....play the tape to the end.....what do you want and what does he want??

EnglishGarden

Are you all right with him having a girlfriend in his life while you remain a platonic casual friend on the sidelines who does not get the sex, long talks, cozy time?

If you see him at the next event with a new woman on his arm, and you're his pal he waves to across the room, are you all right with that?

Some couples make clean breaks and there are no hurt feelings as each moves forward in a new life with a new partner.

Are you sure you can be his pal?

Skye10

I think there is a very fine line between being friends with an ex. Especially when you complicate it with sex. I don't believe *I* can be friends with my exabf. Even if he was in recovery, I still couldn't do it. I just think it is too complex to be friends with an ex in the earlier stages of a break up. Maybe years later I would be able to be "cordial" but I wouldn't have the desire to be "friends." JMO

OnTheRise

One thing that you said I would like to expound on: A roller coaster requires a tremendous amount of energy to get to the top of the first hill; were you the energy that did that? Also a roller coaster never reaches the same height as it did on the first hill, forever trapped in an attempt to simply reach that first "happy hill". NC would show you further that the lack of respect for boundaries is really a deeper problem: he has no respect for you. Like a child, if you let him "get away" with things they will forever be ingrained in his brain as OK to do. Get off the coaster and head over to the water slides, there you know where the ride begins and ends (as in boundaries). And now for the funny: (Thank you Alive for post about happy with another man) I did some lengthy detailed research and I found out that there are apparently a lot of peoples in L.A. Is this person the only guy that lives there? Holy sweet-tastic ratios, Batman! LOL. I hope you got the joke on that; I believe that laughter is better than any prescription (a smile in the heart lasts longer than a valium etc.) F.J. find joy within yourself; its there ya just gotta hunt for it inside your mind and heart. And as far as your questioning being friends: I have found that most times in my life where I have to ask (even just asking myself) if this is ok, usually it isn't. Hopefully, there was some wisdom that you recieved from this; wish you the best.

mayalewiston

I think you have answered your own question (a few days ago) as to what having this individual in your life provides if you read some of your own amazing advice given to others:

"You are just craving the addict as you are addicted to him as ecstasy alcohol.

Ask yourself what is it that I miss so much about him and want to experience?

I have twinges after going NC for one month. I ask my self what about him am I craving that is real and not part of his manipulation?

Answer NOTHING"

Also:
"So I ask my self is that I itial high worth the mean hurtful abusive aftermath. That a BIG FAT NO.

I dont miss him I miss the high."

FindingJoy

(English) no I can't just be his friend. If I saw him with another woman it would be very painful. So that answers that question.

So true if your asking if something is OK it probably isn't.
I just want and wish it was OK just like I want and wish he was further along in his recovery. This must be part of why we do NC while we are rebuilding ourselves because contact can cause setbacks for us Codie's.

I'm a bit embarrassed but I think I just gave him a "fix" if me at the conference and I got a "fix" from him.

The facts:

He did not respect my NC boundaries as he used a special tech app to send me emails (at least 20)

When he was called out on not respecting my boundaries and for promising people he would and then breaking the promise, he send me a very mean " I am leaving your life forever message."

This abandoned type message put my Codie side into a tail spin cooled with me seeing himat the conference

He's not drinking or using but he still hasn't changed the behaviors that are so hurtful, although I do believe he working on it the best he can.

I am a co-dependent and I don't want him to go away forever because I love him and the scared little girl in me afraid I will never find a companion with that level of connection/passion.

Freedom1990

Remaining "friends" with my ex was like me remaining friends with my dope-shooting buddies (I was also a slammer).

Maybe it will work for you, but from what you've written, the cons of sleeping with him again outweigh any benefits.

One of the hardest things I finally came to realize is that I wasn't going to die from lack of nookie.

That cycle of engaging with dysfunctional men, including sex, lasted 11 long miserable years after I got out of rehab.

I cheated myself out of a lot of serenity and peace of mind.

No more. I value myself more than that.

OnTheRise

At some point try to remember being that "little girl". Somewhere there was some fear that "she" faced, for example: riding a bike without training wheels or something. Find the bravery that the little girl used to get over whatever the fear was and use that strength and bravery and apply it to this situation; its there just waiting for you to use it to, pardon the expression, "rise up". Be brave and strong for yourself. All the best.

EnglishGarden

In my life, romantic endings have been so very hard because I cannot face the "Forever." I have held on to husbands or lovers because at the time my heart was so engaged that I could not bear the thought of no engagement with him forever. It felt like a death I could not bear at the time.

For me this relates back to childhood wounds. Perhaps for you, too, FindingJoy. Do not feel shame for spending time with him again and dissolving your boundaries. We learn from our choices, we learn from everything we do and it helps us know better who we really are inside and where we want to head. Falling into the arms of an exabf who shows up is very common and every one of us who has done that has learned something valuable.

If you can let go of the fear of forever, and just accept that today, on God's calendar, today you cannot be with the man, and accept that if you are to be with the man in the future, that day is also already marked on God's calendar, then perhaps you can find some peace.

The 3rd Step in the 12 Steps is about turning our lives over to the care of our Higher Power and accepting that what is happening today or tomorrow is part of a greater plan for our life which we accept.

So: absolutely no shame or guilt about the learning experience you just had. And no fear of forever. Just do what is good for you today and more will be revealed.

(And by the way, those A's I couldn't bear to let go....they always came back eventually. Every one of them. But I said no. )

Tuffgirl

Instead of asking about having a relationship with the ex, and trying to talk yourself into it again, how about learning to not be codependent first?

I guarantee that when you are "healthy", you will attract other "healthy" men. And the relationship will be completely different.

EnglishGarden

P.S. By my last line...to clarify.....I mean that time had passed, and eventually I did not want to be with the ex again. The spell had been broken for me.

FindingJoy

Tuffgirl and Englishgarden

Your wisdom is helping me see straight right now. Funny I kinda thought I was over him until I saw him. That's like an A thinking they have drinking under control until they are offered wine a wedding.

I crave this man like a drug it's sick and twisted. I agree there much work to be done with ME. Nice to hear that healthy men appear once we have gotten healthy ourselves.

If this is how As feel when they are craving drink/drugs I can have sympathy for their struggle and respect for their strength.

tabatha

There was alway an intoxicating euphoria around being intimate with my XABF. It was fireworks every single time no matter what. I wasn't satisfied with 'normal' men. I needed the craziness that fueled the passion. It truly felt like an honest to God addiction. It was not normal and most probably not really love either. I didn't see that until years later and now wonder why I didn't work on my codependency a lot sooner than I did. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I enjoy normal healthy men now but still have those 'cravings' just like my XABF had with alcohol. For me it will be a life long work.
I tried the 'friend' thing but it just didn't work as it just seemed to fuel my fantasies every time I saw him and I would need to start over on myself again.

FindingJoy

An update since my Codie alert situation last weekend.

I have been NC now for 3 days. He has been blocked this entire time but I've had to resist from calling him!!! He can email me as I have too many email addresss to block. However being honest with my self I do leave a line open to read any emails he sends me because I could have them go straight to junk mail and I don't.

I do not respond but I want to read them there have only been two and the one today said " hi (insert a nickname he calls me) hope you are doing OK. thinking about you love you"

Ugh I miss him...yes I know him=all of him the good bad and ugly. So I miss the great parts of him.

Any suggestions on how to stop focusing on what he could be versus what he is most likely to be 9 months into recovery???

tabatha

If you think about it would a normal healthy confident man with good self esteem send 20 email messages? Would he want you desperately one minute and act like he couldn't live without you and the next minute disengage emotionally when he got you back? I fooled myself into thinking that these types of actions were due to him being just soooo into me. I now see that these actions were really due to him being screwed up and really had nothing to do with me being 'special'. It really only showed how dysfunctional he was. I've really had to work hard on appreciating normal men and I can spot 'crazy' a mile away now. The only way for you to get off the roller coaster is to stop fueling the fantasies of what 'could be' and start focusing on 'what is'. Focus on how confusing his actions are and how insane they make you feel. We always tend to glamorize how good it was and forget how bad they made us feel later. It's like you're always thinking "well this time it will work." But how many times can you say that and how many times can you end up being disappointed? Yes the addiction to the alcoholic can be hard to shake but it can be done once we actually learn to appreciate normalcy.

FindingJoy

Thank you tabatha. I wish there were as many alnon or Codie meetings as AA. If there was one right now I would be there or on my way.

No a healthy person would not act hot and cold. I'm trying to remind my self that when he sends these messages they are for himself not me.
Very tricky. Of course I want to believe they are meant for me and then blow off the bad with some other crazy thinking.

Bottom line I'm uncomfortable right now and I don't like it but I know it will pass. Grrrrrrrrrrr

tabatha

I know the feeling all to well. Been there many times. Good luck with the 'urges'. They will pass, stay calm, get to a meeting when you can. I always found it helpful to have a call list of people in coda to call when I got crazy.

fourmaggie

i dunno know if you want validation or not...its still up to you and your moral and values....

do you really want to wait around and see what he thinks?