Advice on Cohabitation
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 2
Advice on Cohabitation
Hi all! I'm new to this support group and was hoping I could get some advice. My boyfriend "Bryan" started alcohol treatment after we had been dating for about 4 months. He went through intensive inpatient treatment for 28 days and is now working on a month-long residency at a half-way house. He has come a long way, and seems sincere in his desire to continue working the steps and remain sober after he leaves the half-way house.
I'm going to be leaving the state for graduate school in August, and he decided that he wants to go with me, since that's the only way we'd be able to remain together as a couple. He's planning on enrolling at the university there to continue his education in the fall (he had to withdraw from classes in January due to treatment). We were thinking of having him move in with me after he's done at the half-way house. I know a place he could get a job to help him regain financial autonomy and start saving for the move. We've also looked into A.A. meeting locations in the area. I'm committed to helping him with his recovery, but will not be holding his hand through the process as this is HIS recovery, not mine.
Understandably, his parents have their concerns about this plan. They were thinking of allowing Bryan to move in with them so he could get a job and start saving up, and they could keep tabs on him. I talked with his mother about what we were thinking, and we decided to set up a meeting to talk about it.
Bryan really likes the idea of moving in with me, as I do. However I don't want to undermine his progress or seem like I'm doing so by letting him move in. Any ideas on how to best handle the meeting with his parents, and possible cohabitation?
I'm going to be leaving the state for graduate school in August, and he decided that he wants to go with me, since that's the only way we'd be able to remain together as a couple. He's planning on enrolling at the university there to continue his education in the fall (he had to withdraw from classes in January due to treatment). We were thinking of having him move in with me after he's done at the half-way house. I know a place he could get a job to help him regain financial autonomy and start saving for the move. We've also looked into A.A. meeting locations in the area. I'm committed to helping him with his recovery, but will not be holding his hand through the process as this is HIS recovery, not mine.
Understandably, his parents have their concerns about this plan. They were thinking of allowing Bryan to move in with them so he could get a job and start saving up, and they could keep tabs on him. I talked with his mother about what we were thinking, and we decided to set up a meeting to talk about it.
Bryan really likes the idea of moving in with me, as I do. However I don't want to undermine his progress or seem like I'm doing so by letting him move in. Any ideas on how to best handle the meeting with his parents, and possible cohabitation?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I think that you should not allow him to move in with you or encourage him to move to your location until he has been out of treatment for a significant period of time.
I don't know his age, but if his parents are willing to have him live with them, then let that be THEIR decision and you stay out of it.
With him in active alcoholism and treatment for all of your relationship, I think it's fair to say that you may not know him as well as you believe.
You may disagree with me, but you have only been dating him for 6 months or so. Treatment and its aftercare - recovery - are intensive periods of time, and he will probably be encouraged to devote all his attention and energy to his recovery.
Take care of yourself, go to school, furnish an apartment, study, and give him space for his recovery. Maybe revisit the issue when he's been out of treatment and in recovery for a (long) while.
I don't know his age, but if his parents are willing to have him live with them, then let that be THEIR decision and you stay out of it.
With him in active alcoholism and treatment for all of your relationship, I think it's fair to say that you may not know him as well as you believe.
You may disagree with me, but you have only been dating him for 6 months or so. Treatment and its aftercare - recovery - are intensive periods of time, and he will probably be encouraged to devote all his attention and energy to his recovery.
Take care of yourself, go to school, furnish an apartment, study, and give him space for his recovery. Maybe revisit the issue when he's been out of treatment and in recovery for a (long) while.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Henderson, NV
Posts: 35
Hi.....I have to say I agree with the time thing - from personal experience, you really can't know an active alcoholic or even an RA that well except over time. The process of growing they go through is intense and takes a long time - very often progress is slow......sometimes as a normie I find it confusing and frustrating with my RA. I know it is hard to wait, but I think that is the best advice. Let his parents deal with the support let it not be your thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
He is an adult. Allow him to find a place on his own, live on his own, and find dignity and independence. IMO, it will be one of the single best things you can do for him, yourself, and your relationship. Also, he pursues his recover and you pursue your recover. Your recovery can mean Al-anon, this site, counseling, lots of reading, and/or a combination of those things.
I regret more then anything taking that (dignity, independence, etc.) away from my boyfriend, then husband, and now ex husband. It was a terrible thing to do to him, to myself, and to our relationship. It was done with the best of intentions and what seemed to make sense at the time but a relationship with an alcoholic (active or new to recovery) puts a twist on things. One needs to be very thoughtful.
Oh - also, whatever is discussed between him and his parents is his business. I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole
Really - he doesn't need his girlfriend or his mom deciding where and with who he lives or keeping tabs on him. Ugh. How about he get a job and an apartment or live in the dorm like every other 20 something person. Presumably he is a smart, capable, physically healthy man trying to make some decent decisions if he entered treatment. Let him get on with being a grown up.
I regret more then anything taking that (dignity, independence, etc.) away from my boyfriend, then husband, and now ex husband. It was a terrible thing to do to him, to myself, and to our relationship. It was done with the best of intentions and what seemed to make sense at the time but a relationship with an alcoholic (active or new to recovery) puts a twist on things. One needs to be very thoughtful.
Oh - also, whatever is discussed between him and his parents is his business. I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole
Really - he doesn't need his girlfriend or his mom deciding where and with who he lives or keeping tabs on him. Ugh. How about he get a job and an apartment or live in the dorm like every other 20 something person. Presumably he is a smart, capable, physically healthy man trying to make some decent decisions if he entered treatment. Let him get on with being a grown up.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Wow. Look at some of the I and We words you used:
These should be things that he should be doing, not "I" or "We". You close out by saying:
You're already holding his hand, JMHO.
Originally Posted by squirrel0828
We were thinking of having him move in with me after he's done at the half-way house. I know a place he could get a job to help him regain financial autonomy and start saving for the move. We've also looked into A.A. meeting locations in the area. I'm committed to helping him with his recovery,
but will not be holding his hand through the process as this is HIS recovery, not mine.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by Thumper 
I regret more then anything taking that (dignity, independence, etc.) away from my boyfriend, then husband, and now ex husband. It was a terrible thing to do to him, to myself, and to our relationship. It was done with the best of intentions and what seemed to make sense at the time but a relationship with an alcoholic (active or new to recovery) puts a twist on things. One needs to be very thoughtful.
I was not in a place of being healed enough to not get into a caretaking role that early in a relationship (or that young). For me it had nothing to do with if my loved one was in recovery or not....I had the caretaking part in place way before my alcoholic came into my life.
It was best for me and my relationships to live seperately for a long time. It was still a struggle for me when we did live together. I was getting my own treatment at that time also (counseling, group work etc) for an eating disorder.
That is just me though.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I agree. He needs time under his belt, real sober time........a year at least. We may not seem supportive, but you have to understand that all/most of us have lived with active alcoholics and we know what you could be setting yourself up for. Let him go to his parents for a while. If it's meant to be for the 2 of you, it will be. AFter my experience with my XAH ( and I am now 34, trying to start over with 2 kids) I would never encourage anyone to have a go at a relationship with an alcoholic, sober or not. He needs TIME AND A LOT OF IT.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I talked with his mother about what we were thinking
Sounds as if it is a boy you are talking about, not a man....
I agree with the posts above..
My 2 cents? go to some AA meetings.. I went there as a respectful listener.
They welcome Alanoners (you are not allowed to share to the group but I was approached by others before and after the meeting and it was a HUGE help).
I learned what active alcoholism is. I had underestimated it.
I learned how real recovery from alcoholism look like, and how much it takes
This was priceless.
All the best
Tc999
Sounds as if it is a boy you are talking about, not a man....
I agree with the posts above..
My 2 cents? go to some AA meetings.. I went there as a respectful listener.
They welcome Alanoners (you are not allowed to share to the group but I was approached by others before and after the meeting and it was a HUGE help).
I learned what active alcoholism is. I had underestimated it.
I learned how real recovery from alcoholism look like, and how much it takes
This was priceless.
All the best
Tc999
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
I am sorry, but I believe you will wind up enabling him. My AXB moved with me to attend grad school, and now I am thousands of dollars in debt and he is on a bender nowhere to be found. I applaud you for being dedicated to his recovery and understand that it is HIS recovery. What is your gut instinct telling you??
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, Squirrel.
Oh, please think long and hard about the decision to co-habitate. Grad school is a huge time commitment. His recovery work should be a huge time commitment. It's not that your respective projects can't be done while under the same roof, but OMG you guys barely even know each other. Personally, I'd be leery of moving in with any guy I've known for less than 1/2 a year. Even if I wasn't just about to start grad school. Even if he wasn't an alcoholic just getting out of rehab.
Do you know what his credit and employment history looks like? Do you know about his past relationships? and how they ended? Has he been tested for STD's? Do you know his friends? Were there any issues with his past apartments/landlords? Does he know about yours? And I mean the knitty gritty, embarrassing details, not the "My credit score is __" "I dated about 4 people, 2 serious, long-term __" I mean the questions that you'd hesitate to ask - that you wouldn't ask a stranger next to you on the plane - and would be embarrassed to answer, but would bug you late at night when you DO ask and he sidesteps without really giving an answer...
And this:
isn't really true. Relationships are a commitment to another person, to support and be true to one another. Long distance is tougher and requires a lot of trust on both sides, but just because there are a few states between you doesn't mean the other person and the love cease to exist. If the distance does erode the bond, well, then, it wasn't really a relationship, IMO.
Oh, please think long and hard about the decision to co-habitate. Grad school is a huge time commitment. His recovery work should be a huge time commitment. It's not that your respective projects can't be done while under the same roof, but OMG you guys barely even know each other. Personally, I'd be leery of moving in with any guy I've known for less than 1/2 a year. Even if I wasn't just about to start grad school. Even if he wasn't an alcoholic just getting out of rehab.
Do you know what his credit and employment history looks like? Do you know about his past relationships? and how they ended? Has he been tested for STD's? Do you know his friends? Were there any issues with his past apartments/landlords? Does he know about yours? And I mean the knitty gritty, embarrassing details, not the "My credit score is __" "I dated about 4 people, 2 serious, long-term __" I mean the questions that you'd hesitate to ask - that you wouldn't ask a stranger next to you on the plane - and would be embarrassed to answer, but would bug you late at night when you DO ask and he sidesteps without really giving an answer...
And this:
Originally Posted by squirrel0828
I'm going to be leaving the state for graduate school in August, and he decided that he wants to go with me, since that's the only way we'd be able to remain together as a couple.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Since you asked for advice I will give it. I'll try to base it as much on my experience as possible.
I have been married to my AW for over 36 years, we have been separated for almost a year and I have started divorce proceedings. The 1st 15+ years I wouldn't have called her an alcoholic. The last 20 I called her much worse. To put it bluntly I spent 15 to 20 years of my life wandering through hell. Some parts of hell are much worse than others but none of them are good. Multiple detox's, rehabs, er visits and therapists. It never got better. Her last binge that I know of was 6 days of pills and booze. A real doozey of a blackout binge. I finally had enough and moved out. This was after what I thought was several years of sobriety. I was wrong, she had simply switched from booze to Ambien.
So, my advice as a veteran of the insanity is to run away and never look back. He may get better, he may not. But there isn't any reason for you to be involved. Relationships can be hard enough without your partner being an addict.
Your friend,
I have been married to my AW for over 36 years, we have been separated for almost a year and I have started divorce proceedings. The 1st 15+ years I wouldn't have called her an alcoholic. The last 20 I called her much worse. To put it bluntly I spent 15 to 20 years of my life wandering through hell. Some parts of hell are much worse than others but none of them are good. Multiple detox's, rehabs, er visits and therapists. It never got better. Her last binge that I know of was 6 days of pills and booze. A real doozey of a blackout binge. I finally had enough and moved out. This was after what I thought was several years of sobriety. I was wrong, she had simply switched from booze to Ambien.
So, my advice as a veteran of the insanity is to run away and never look back. He may get better, he may not. But there isn't any reason for you to be involved. Relationships can be hard enough without your partner being an addict.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi squirrel-
you are only 6 months involved. why not find a man who has a job, a man who can support you in your studies, a man that doesn't need you to get a job.
i'm sure you'll meet many such men in graduate school. you have a real opportunity for a clean break, as you are moving away. please consider taking it!
i know it's hard but even if he does recover, it is a long, long road. why tangle yourself up in that...the world is in front of you...his parent's know him better and they have their concerns...listen to them!
save yourself. read more here if you don't believe us. you are early enough in the process to get out unscathed...
i would also like to bring to your attention that not one person here has encouraged you to proceed with your plan...it is unanimous to step back and let him deal with himself....unanimous....take note!
naive
you are only 6 months involved. why not find a man who has a job, a man who can support you in your studies, a man that doesn't need you to get a job.
i'm sure you'll meet many such men in graduate school. you have a real opportunity for a clean break, as you are moving away. please consider taking it!
i know it's hard but even if he does recover, it is a long, long road. why tangle yourself up in that...the world is in front of you...his parent's know him better and they have their concerns...listen to them!
save yourself. read more here if you don't believe us. you are early enough in the process to get out unscathed...
i would also like to bring to your attention that not one person here has encouraged you to proceed with your plan...it is unanimous to step back and let him deal with himself....unanimous....take note!
naive
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