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He says he's rehabilitated!

Old 03-20-2012, 07:56 AM
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He says he's rehabilitated!

So, my AH does genuinely seem to have a different attitude lately. A dry drunk. Hmm, but he says he's rehabilitated. He says the DUI was all he needed to snap him out of his downward spiral. There's a part of it that I believe. I do believe he's done drinking. Really, I do. Unfortunately, his attitude is right back to where it was for the first 15 years of our marriage. Negative, complaining about people and how they get in his way, complaining about everything in general, and that woe's me attitude that just generally sucks the life out of you. Sigh, I guess I figured if he really wanted serenity he'd search out a program of spiritual healing, but he's not.

I am happy that he is choosing to be dry. I just wish he would choose peace and serenity so that he can find that life isn't hopeless and that a Higher Power can redeem him and make him whole. So, what do I do in the meantime? How do I handle the backseat driving, the condescending remarks about other humans, the attitude that everyone is a bother to him? I find my serenity by saying the serenity prayer over and over. I take a lot of deep breaths, and then I pray for my AH. Asking my HP to take over and I give my AH up to him. I let go and let God.
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:06 AM
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Just a quick question. What do you get out of all this?

Your friend,
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
How do I handle the backseat driving, the condescending remarks about other humans, the attitude that everyone is a bother to him?
Um, do you have to handle it? As Mike said, what's in this for you?
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:49 AM
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I guess I should talk about his good qualities at some point. He is a great dad and just now I heard the two of them laughing hysterically together, like they always do. He gave me flowers and a card for St Patricks Day, he is making an effort to commit to our marriage again. Since I've know him he's been the biggest malcontent I've ever met, well except for his mother and brother(they're worse). He is on antidepressants now so his anxiety is so much better. He used to get so upset by the neighbor's landscapers that he'd go out and confront them and tell them to use a rake. He was so vindictive over his company's new compensation package that he smashed his company provided laptop on the ground numerous times, breaking it, and then lying to them and telling them that there's 'just something wrong with it'. Since the antidepressants, it's just his attitude towards others that grates on my nerves.

Anyway, I was just looking for some Al Anon strategies on how to handle someone who has a comment for everyone. He's not like that every day nor is he like this every minute so there is good there that balances the negative. I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle that kind of stuff. When we're at home and he starts talking to the TV, I can leave the room and go do something else. When we're in the car or in public, it's much harder to get away. He's told me that he doesn't know why he does this stuff when I'm around, it's like he wants an audience or an accomplice to his attitudes.
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:18 AM
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Al-Anon strategies...I don't think there is one specific thing I could quote but I can say if this is a part of him you are willing to accept, then find a way to not be annoyed by it because until he deals with what is broken inside him, dry or not, it will continue.

Accept the things we cannot change... you won't be able to change this in him, he has to recognize it and replace his stinkin thinkin with something more productive.

But I have to agree with you - it is super irritating. Amazing to me how some people actually do think the world revolves around them and react according to that mindset. The rest of us just shake our heads and hope someday - they'll get it.

In the meantime, like you did in your second post, try to focus on the positive things and let the negative stuff go.
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:14 PM
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Quit being his chauffeur and tell him to take the bus.

Taking the bus makes people more humble.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Quit being his chauffeur and tell him to take the bus.

Taking the bus makes people more humble.
We don't have bus service up where we live and he hasn't lost his license yet. His lawyer keeps dragging out the proceedings. He just likes to come along when I go to the store, etc. Once he loses his license, he'll be using his bike more often that's for sure, LOL.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:58 PM
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Oh okay. I thought might have been driving him to where he needed to go and he was complaining the whole time.
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:05 PM
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My AW was like that also, loved to complain about everyone, what faults they had, how they looked, ate, talked, lived, you name it. She did this sober or drunk. I think they are trying to build themselves up by putting other people down.

The other thing I find amazing was she would sit on the sofa, all messed up, watching one of those intervention shows on TV. The irony of it just rolled off her back.

Your friend,
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:06 PM
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there kind of is a strategy from Alanon...

it's setting and enforcing boundaries around what you are willing to accept. For example, if you continue to criticize me every time we drive we'll have to drive separately. Then, when he does it, you stop driving with him anywhere.

With my wife I had to set a boundary around her blaming me for her hospitalization bills from the last time she threatened suicide-- don't bring it up again or we cannot continue our relationship. It wasn't a bluff, she knew it, and she stopped. Ironically, her hospitalization came after I told her the next time she threatened suicide I'd call the police. She did and I did.

That was more than two years ago and she hasn't breathed a word about suicide since-- and she won't or her ass will end up in the hospital again.

But, if you can't or won't set boundaries around what is acceptable for you there really isn't an answer. It will never change.

Good luck.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I guess I should talk about his good qualities at some point. He is a great dad and just now I heard the two of them laughing hysterically together, like they always do. He gave me flowers and a card for St Patricks Day, he is making an effort to commit to our marriage again. Since I've know him he's been the biggest malcontent I've ever met, well except for his mother and brother(they're worse). He is on antidepressants now so his anxiety is so much better. He used to get so upset by the neighbor's landscapers that he'd go out and confront them and tell them to use a rake. He was so vindictive over his company's new compensation package that he smashed his company provided laptop on the ground numerous times, breaking it, and then lying to them and telling them that there's 'just something wrong with it'. Since the antidepressants, it's just his attitude towards others that grates on my nerves.

Anyway, I was just looking for some Al Anon strategies on how to handle someone who has a comment for everyone. He's not like that every day nor is he like this every minute so there is good there that balances the negative. I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle that kind of stuff. When we're at home and he starts talking to the TV, I can leave the room and go do something else. When we're in the car or in public, it's much harder to get away. He's told me that he doesn't know why he does this stuff when I'm around, it's like he wants an audience or an accomplice to his attitudes.
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:27 PM
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:57 PM
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It's not uncommon for people who feel that they were 'forced' to give up the drink early to be cranky for quite a while.
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:01 PM
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So have you thought about your boundaries?

Boundaries bring sanity to my world..
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:00 PM
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Yes, it's time for boundaries. I'm just not good at setting them. It's going to take practice and lots of patience for me because I can almost always predict how he's going to react. And, it's the fear of those reactions that keep me from speaking up and setting that boundary for myself. Thank you all!
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:48 AM
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He may have actually quit and many people do quit without AA. One way to check is to ask him if he is committed to NEVER drinking again.

Now, just because he quit drinking, assuming he did, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other issues to deal with.

I think it was anvilhead who said that when you wring the alcohol out of an asshat your still left with an asshat.

If you want to be together this is something the 2 of you together are going to have to work out.

Your friend,
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:51 AM
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BTW, boundaries aren't for him, they are for you. You don't even have to tell him what your boundaries are. For example if your boundary is not be in the room when he starts criticizing you your action plan could be to leave the room/house when he crosses that boundary. His involvement is not needed.

Your friend,
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
He may have actually quit and many people do quit without AA. One way to check is to ask him if he is committed to NEVER drinking again.

Now, just because he quit drinking, assuming he did, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other issues to deal with.

I think it was anvilhead who said that when you wring the alcohol out of an asshat your still left with an asshat.

If you want to be together this is something the 2 of you together are going to have to work out.

Your friend,
Thanks! I guess I have to decide how important my marriage really is. I think I'm just more confused now that he's not drinking. I find myself getting irritated quicker at his comments and attitudes that I used to before the drinking escalated. Maybe the DUI was the straw that broke the camel's back? Maybe we just need to co-exist in the house until I figure out what I want? Right now, I don't know what I want. Well, that's not true: I know I want the marriage to work and that I don't want to tear our family apart just because I am emotionally depleted. I guess I'm just trying to find the strength to keep pressing forward, to set those boundaries, and to examine the relationship in the future to see if it's still worth sticking it out.

One thing I know for sure: he's made it clear that he is committed to NOT drinking EVER again. He's also made it clear that he's committed to staying in our marriage even if it means celibacy for the next 10 years. He said he just wants me to be happy. He doesn't understand that I am happy! I'm just not happy about our marriage but I am happy with my life and happy with my activities, and I love being a mom and taking care of our home, etc. Those things make me happy. I don't rely on him for completeness or for my only source of happiness, which he seems to think he does.
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