He says he's rehabilitated!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
He says he's rehabilitated!
So, my AH does genuinely seem to have a different attitude lately. A dry drunk. Hmm, but he says he's rehabilitated. He says the DUI was all he needed to snap him out of his downward spiral. There's a part of it that I believe. I do believe he's done drinking. Really, I do. Unfortunately, his attitude is right back to where it was for the first 15 years of our marriage. Negative, complaining about people and how they get in his way, complaining about everything in general, and that woe's me attitude that just generally sucks the life out of you. Sigh, I guess I figured if he really wanted serenity he'd search out a program of spiritual healing, but he's not.
I am happy that he is choosing to be dry. I just wish he would choose peace and serenity so that he can find that life isn't hopeless and that a Higher Power can redeem him and make him whole. So, what do I do in the meantime? How do I handle the backseat driving, the condescending remarks about other humans, the attitude that everyone is a bother to him? I find my serenity by saying the serenity prayer over and over. I take a lot of deep breaths, and then I pray for my AH. Asking my HP to take over and I give my AH up to him. I let go and let God.
I am happy that he is choosing to be dry. I just wish he would choose peace and serenity so that he can find that life isn't hopeless and that a Higher Power can redeem him and make him whole. So, what do I do in the meantime? How do I handle the backseat driving, the condescending remarks about other humans, the attitude that everyone is a bother to him? I find my serenity by saying the serenity prayer over and over. I take a lot of deep breaths, and then I pray for my AH. Asking my HP to take over and I give my AH up to him. I let go and let God.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by lizatola 
How do I handle the backseat driving, the condescending remarks about other humans, the attitude that everyone is a bother to him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I guess I should talk about his good qualities at some point. He is a great dad and just now I heard the two of them laughing hysterically together, like they always do. He gave me flowers and a card for St Patricks Day, he is making an effort to commit to our marriage again. Since I've know him he's been the biggest malcontent I've ever met, well except for his mother and brother(they're worse). He is on antidepressants now so his anxiety is so much better. He used to get so upset by the neighbor's landscapers that he'd go out and confront them and tell them to use a rake. He was so vindictive over his company's new compensation package that he smashed his company provided laptop on the ground numerous times, breaking it, and then lying to them and telling them that there's 'just something wrong with it'. Since the antidepressants, it's just his attitude towards others that grates on my nerves.
Anyway, I was just looking for some Al Anon strategies on how to handle someone who has a comment for everyone. He's not like that every day nor is he like this every minute so there is good there that balances the negative. I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle that kind of stuff. When we're at home and he starts talking to the TV, I can leave the room and go do something else. When we're in the car or in public, it's much harder to get away. He's told me that he doesn't know why he does this stuff when I'm around, it's like he wants an audience or an accomplice to his attitudes.
Anyway, I was just looking for some Al Anon strategies on how to handle someone who has a comment for everyone. He's not like that every day nor is he like this every minute so there is good there that balances the negative. I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle that kind of stuff. When we're at home and he starts talking to the TV, I can leave the room and go do something else. When we're in the car or in public, it's much harder to get away. He's told me that he doesn't know why he does this stuff when I'm around, it's like he wants an audience or an accomplice to his attitudes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Al-Anon strategies...I don't think there is one specific thing I could quote but I can say if this is a part of him you are willing to accept, then find a way to not be annoyed by it because until he deals with what is broken inside him, dry or not, it will continue.
Accept the things we cannot change... you won't be able to change this in him, he has to recognize it and replace his stinkin thinkin with something more productive.
But I have to agree with you - it is super irritating. Amazing to me how some people actually do think the world revolves around them and react according to that mindset. The rest of us just shake our heads and hope someday - they'll get it.
In the meantime, like you did in your second post, try to focus on the positive things and let the negative stuff go.
Accept the things we cannot change... you won't be able to change this in him, he has to recognize it and replace his stinkin thinkin with something more productive.
But I have to agree with you - it is super irritating. Amazing to me how some people actually do think the world revolves around them and react according to that mindset. The rest of us just shake our heads and hope someday - they'll get it.
In the meantime, like you did in your second post, try to focus on the positive things and let the negative stuff go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by choublak
Quit being his chauffeur and tell him to take the bus.
Taking the bus makes people more humble.
Taking the bus makes people more humble.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
My AW was like that also, loved to complain about everyone, what faults they had, how they looked, ate, talked, lived, you name it. She did this sober or drunk. I think they are trying to build themselves up by putting other people down.
The other thing I find amazing was she would sit on the sofa, all messed up, watching one of those intervention shows on TV. The irony of it just rolled off her back.
Your friend,
The other thing I find amazing was she would sit on the sofa, all messed up, watching one of those intervention shows on TV. The irony of it just rolled off her back.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
there kind of is a strategy from Alanon...
it's setting and enforcing boundaries around what you are willing to accept. For example, if you continue to criticize me every time we drive we'll have to drive separately. Then, when he does it, you stop driving with him anywhere.
With my wife I had to set a boundary around her blaming me for her hospitalization bills from the last time she threatened suicide-- don't bring it up again or we cannot continue our relationship. It wasn't a bluff, she knew it, and she stopped. Ironically, her hospitalization came after I told her the next time she threatened suicide I'd call the police. She did and I did.
That was more than two years ago and she hasn't breathed a word about suicide since-- and she won't or her ass will end up in the hospital again.
But, if you can't or won't set boundaries around what is acceptable for you there really isn't an answer. It will never change.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
With my wife I had to set a boundary around her blaming me for her hospitalization bills from the last time she threatened suicide-- don't bring it up again or we cannot continue our relationship. It wasn't a bluff, she knew it, and she stopped. Ironically, her hospitalization came after I told her the next time she threatened suicide I'd call the police. She did and I did.
That was more than two years ago and she hasn't breathed a word about suicide since-- and she won't or her ass will end up in the hospital again.
But, if you can't or won't set boundaries around what is acceptable for you there really isn't an answer. It will never change.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by lizatola
I guess I should talk about his good qualities at some point. He is a great dad and just now I heard the two of them laughing hysterically together, like they always do. He gave me flowers and a card for St Patricks Day, he is making an effort to commit to our marriage again. Since I've know him he's been the biggest malcontent I've ever met, well except for his mother and brother(they're worse). He is on antidepressants now so his anxiety is so much better. He used to get so upset by the neighbor's landscapers that he'd go out and confront them and tell them to use a rake. He was so vindictive over his company's new compensation package that he smashed his company provided laptop on the ground numerous times, breaking it, and then lying to them and telling them that there's 'just something wrong with it'. Since the antidepressants, it's just his attitude towards others that grates on my nerves.
Anyway, I was just looking for some Al Anon strategies on how to handle someone who has a comment for everyone. He's not like that every day nor is he like this every minute so there is good there that balances the negative. I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle that kind of stuff. When we're at home and he starts talking to the TV, I can leave the room and go do something else. When we're in the car or in public, it's much harder to get away. He's told me that he doesn't know why he does this stuff when I'm around, it's like he wants an audience or an accomplice to his attitudes.
Anyway, I was just looking for some Al Anon strategies on how to handle someone who has a comment for everyone. He's not like that every day nor is he like this every minute so there is good there that balances the negative. I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle that kind of stuff. When we're at home and he starts talking to the TV, I can leave the room and go do something else. When we're in the car or in public, it's much harder to get away. He's told me that he doesn't know why he does this stuff when I'm around, it's like he wants an audience or an accomplice to his attitudes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yes, it's time for boundaries. I'm just not good at setting them. It's going to take practice and lots of patience for me because I can almost always predict how he's going to react. And, it's the fear of those reactions that keep me from speaking up and setting that boundary for myself. Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
He may have actually quit and many people do quit without AA. One way to check is to ask him if he is committed to NEVER drinking again.
Now, just because he quit drinking, assuming he did, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other issues to deal with.
I think it was anvilhead who said that when you wring the alcohol out of an asshat your still left with an asshat.
If you want to be together this is something the 2 of you together are going to have to work out.
Your friend,
Now, just because he quit drinking, assuming he did, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other issues to deal with.
I think it was anvilhead who said that when you wring the alcohol out of an asshat your still left with an asshat.
If you want to be together this is something the 2 of you together are going to have to work out.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
BTW, boundaries aren't for him, they are for you. You don't even have to tell him what your boundaries are. For example if your boundary is not be in the room when he starts criticizing you your action plan could be to leave the room/house when he crosses that boundary. His involvement is not needed.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by m1k3
He may have actually quit and many people do quit without AA. One way to check is to ask him if he is committed to NEVER drinking again.
Now, just because he quit drinking, assuming he did, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other issues to deal with.
I think it was anvilhead who said that when you wring the alcohol out of an asshat your still left with an asshat.
If you want to be together this is something the 2 of you together are going to have to work out.
Your friend,
Now, just because he quit drinking, assuming he did, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other issues to deal with.
I think it was anvilhead who said that when you wring the alcohol out of an asshat your still left with an asshat.
If you want to be together this is something the 2 of you together are going to have to work out.
Your friend,
One thing I know for sure: he's made it clear that he is committed to NOT drinking EVER again. He's also made it clear that he's committed to staying in our marriage even if it means celibacy for the next 10 years. He said he just wants me to be happy. He doesn't understand that I am happy! I'm just not happy about our marriage but I am happy with my life and happy with my activities, and I love being a mom and taking care of our home, etc. Those things make me happy. I don't rely on him for completeness or for my only source of happiness, which he seems to think he does.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
