Caz12

Mine was on the way to a birthday party which as usual I was attending on my own because xabf was in too much of a state to come with me. I got into the taxi and the driver was really chatty asking me if it was my partner I lived with? I replied yes and he said, yeah I've picked him up a few times taking him to the shop he really loves his wine don't he. I was really embarressed and the driver kept going on about it. It was that moment that started the chain of events for me to leave. I was sick of even embarressed by him and lying to my friends about while I was always on my own. Sick of planning days out and holidays with friends rather than him. I figured since I done all that stuff myself anyway it wasn't such a loss that now I genuinely am on my own.

TakingCharge999

transformy you have gone through great deals of stress with these two characters in your life..

I am so glad you are making them leave the scenario!! YAY!! your blood pressure will lower, *****o!!

I got an aha moment after a supervisor made really rude remarks in a call - I saw myself in the window all teary and I got scared of my sadness - my sister was there trying to calm me down and I felt shame for letting myself be treated this way - so I cried for 2 days then reported the man to HR.

OK, I don't know what has happened, if anything, but the man has not treated me this way for DAYS now - we haven't interacted much anymore, gladly, but it feels great to know very clearly what is acceptable and what is not.

Hugs!
My 1/4th Native American blood (Zapotec) salutes the Lakota Woman.

TakingCharge999

Ohhh re AXBF I DID have an Aha moment, Tuesday afternoon and the man had a beer- I don't know it was just so... natural .. to see him that way... so OBVIOUS- something i knew would stay that way for a longgggggggggg time........ that was when my gut feeling was screaming to me> LEAVE NOW, LEAVE NOW, LEAVE NOW - never had that kind of feeling before - just couldn't ignore it. At this point I believe HP was saving me.

Monstruosity in the arts includes: things or situations that are SO run-of-the-mill, SO predictable that they start being scary (think Twilight zone..)

pixilation

Yes, it was at the end of January last year, I remember it vividly and will never forget.I was at the time already making steps to move out, but the defining moment was after a night where he screamed and ranted, played his music loud, and basically tortured me so I couldn't sleep, for over 4 hours. The next morning, while he was passed out on his recliner, I had my moment. I just burst out in tears, it was the raw, guttural type of crying, it kept up for a few days off and on. I think it was with the help of some here that I realized that the crying was my grieving, that his hours of torture had brought me to my bottom. I know I posted about it here, I have the posts saved in my private, online journal.

transformyself

I'm working on being strategic and having endurance. I was at work tonight and called and he is drunk, so I came home and was just present and comforting to my kids. Made sure I love them, that nothing will ever change that, and that I have everything under control.

I was really nice to AH as well. Pleasant. There's no need to fight, only make arrangements to leave.

fhl41

Coincidentally i had my aha moment this past weekend. I had plans to move in with my boyfriend in a couple months (we have been together since august). I have been feeling anxious about it though (luckily i hadn't given my notice yet) because in my heart i know he is an alcoholic.

I have been in denial about it though becasue in every other way he is almost perfect for me. He is kind, gentle, giving, funny etc etc. He treats me better than any man i have ever been involved with. BUT he drinks allot and it makes me sick to my stomach when i call him any given night and he is slurring his words and acting like an idiot.

This past weekend i had enough though. This weekend i went to his house and i found myself yet again smelling his breath when he went to kiss me and yet again there was booze on his breath, he said he had just had one and i said it smells like you have had 20 lol! and he said "if you're going to be like that than you can leave" and then he said "just kidding!". I was hurt. He has never spoken to me like that before and i knew in my heart that this would be the way he would treat me if i were to move in.

He then had his neighbour over and they proceeded to get hammered on 2 cases of beer in a matter of 5 hours right in front of me while i drank my one glass of beer. i was disgusted, i told him last night its over. I saw a glimpse of what my future would like and i don't want it. I deserve happiness and peace of mind.

I know I have to stay strong though becasue he has started texting me and is playing on my emotions. He knows all the right things to say. I'm scared i will take him back, like i have before. I always fall for his bs...

transformyself

Isn't it funny how we talk like this? I've done it too! It's as if we're not in our bodies, but rather an outsider, watching our lives, with no options.

I've taken AH back so many times. You wanna know why? Because my father is an A and if I can make this work, if AH and I can just reach that point where we understand and respect each other, I will have won. I will have finally made my childhood right.

Or something like that. It's hazy at the moment, but I absolutely know that this is it. Hell, I begged AH for years, i would say, "you have issues with your mother that I remind you of, and I have issues with my father that you remind me of and if we can work through them we'll have the happiest marriage of them all!"

Poor thing.

Now, however, I'm happy happy to let that die. I hope AH finds happiness. I even thought the other day that it would be a relief if he found a girlfriend!! Then he would go away.

Now that's a miracle, because for 17 years I've been mortified by that thought. My sister said it to me last year and I had a melt down. Now, for whatever reason, it looks like a wonderful solution...

fhl41

I had an alcoholic father who left when i was 3 we didn't have much of a relationship after that and when i did see him it was to basically watch him and his wife get plastered, so i know i have issues with this.

I know i gravitate towards drinkers even though i personally don't drink that much only because it is what i am comfortable with i guess. It is so ridiculous because in reality i am not comfortable with it, it makes me sick.

I remember dating a guy who didn't drink much at all and i felt weird around him. i can't explain it. Almost like he was too good for me or something. I have so much work to do on myself. And i'm 41! At least i recognize it.

MsGrace

My AHA moment came almost immediately when I discovered the drinking. AH was 13 yrs sober when we met and married...had a pretty ideal life for a few years. Then, he had a total hip replacement and 6 weeks of Vicodin. Our lives were never the same. Pain meds were replaced by over the counter antihistimine, two trips to the ER for that, 6 weeks in a mental health rehab, never ending chaos, uncertainty and drama. The night I discovered the drinking, and 6 bottles of half empty booze hidden away...I insisted on meeting with him and his psychiatrist. I gave him a clear choice: set a recovery plan and follow it, or he could not be with me or in my home. He chose the former, that very day. As painful as it was to see such a decision made so quickly and easily for him, it made my decision equally easy. He clearly didn't have one shred of desire to tackle recovery. Excruciatingly painful, but I'm thankful every single day I was clear very early on that I cannot, will not, live with an active addict.

The divorce will be final in a few months. I am free, I am happy and I am at peace.

MeredithD1

I had to, "...put it (this topic) down and walk away," twice in the past half-hour, before I finished reading each and every response.

I have typed this response many ways, erased it, went back, typed it up again.

So here it is.

My A-Ha moment was when I filled up with such a sense of personal power with a completely rational realization that it was time to go. No more emotion, sadness, anger, pain, self-deprecating thoughts. Just a "clean air" moment full of clarity, and a certain and logical knowledge of steps I needed to take to extracate myself from the marriage as quickly and with as little financial loss as possible. (It was August 1996. The divorce was final January 1997.)

justrae83

My A-HA moment came when i rode the rollercoaster of sober, not sober, sober, not sober for pills then drinking, then pills then drinking then a week before our 5 year anniversiry i told him to stop taking so many pills, we dont have a life anymore! So he stopped cold turkey cuz he was afraid to lose me. On our 5 year anniversiry he had a sezuire do to withdrawl, I didnt know it was as bad as it was. When he held my hand in the dr. office and cried i saw my whole life flash before me eyes of rehabs and hospitals...i wanted more. I never felt so alone. Even when he went to rehab right after taht sezure and came out...I STILL thought he could change but i moved out. The final straw was after not seeing him for 3 months (him telling me he changed and blah blah blah quack quack) I was hesitent but said ok.... the 2nd A-HA moement came when i saw his phone and his "dealer" was texing him he would meet him after work and the total would be 350 dollars. He owed me 2000 and my mom 3000 and said he didnt have the money. BOOM..... i cried told him i couldnt do it and he said thats ok i found another women anyway and we lvoe each other. Yeah. BIG A-HA MOMENT ha ha

transformyself

Best line ever.

Now tell me your life is glorious and you're steadily learning more about yourself and healing?

justrae83

OMG YES.....i cried and cried and cried thinking how can he not love me...now i am starting to move on and found I AM ENOUGH and i love myself. I already have been asked out 4 times since leaving my ex and thought, umm iam not so bad lol.

lillamy

There were many.
The one that ultimately determined my leaving was when I realized that I would either leave or die -- right then.

Somehow, that took the agonizing completely out of the choice.

FedUpWith2Brats

My final AH-HA moment was combined with two different drama traumas. Being released from the hospital after having a stroke and being diagnosed with diabetes, I called my AH to come get me. He was at the bar, of course, and said ok, let me finish this beer. I just ordered it. Say what? My girlfriends' hubby came and got me and took me home.

The depression of all that had happened the last few days over-whelmed me, so I went upstairs, got out the gun and stuck it in my mouth. Figured I would let that stupid nitwit come home to my brains blown all over.

Well, it dawned on me he would probably not even come upstairs for hours if and when he finally got home, and would probably be so drunk he wouldn't even notice my blown up head in bed with him. And then, my ah-ha hit for the last time. Why on earth do I want to die when he won't even change his lifestyle, and who am I punishing-him or my family? Why was I thinking he was worth dying for, when I wasn't even worth a warm beer to him?

Never again will I let another person make me feel that way. Since I left April 1, 2010, I have been recovering from his abuse. Now I am being abused by my A-daughter, but that is a whole other ball game. (and the reason I found this amazing site).

Today was a great day-I read many posts here, stood my ground with my daughter, told my dad he and I ARE NOT going to tolerate her booze anymore nor enable her, and that we were going to start going to Al Anon. So actually, my ah-ha moment was many rolled into one big AHHHHHH-HAAAAAA. Hugs to all of you and your wonderful posts for helping me through these last few days.

painterman

I haven't reached that moment yet, but I think I'm pretty close and I feel an intense emotional insecurity-which I think is linked to my knowing I need to change and my fear of change and an uncertain future.

blwninthewind

I think it's different for everyone.

My first a-ha occured when my AH wasn't drunk but stone cold sober...but "punnishing" me for something I did/said when he was drunk the previous evening...and he used my child to hurt me. I know it doesn't make sense the way it's written but right now i can't specify...I'm too close to getting out and I know he's trolling trying to figure out which one of these usernames is me. ... and I just can't let him find out whats going on or when. I feel very much like I'm living a lie but I will do whatever I have to in order to get me and my kids out safely.

RECF

I am very glad to find your post today. I have been separated from my AH for a year, though between November and early March I had been contemplating going back to him.

It sounds to me you are very lucky.

With me - and with other people here - I think we have had MANY "A-Ha" moments... but there were circumstances keeping us there, or we were too scared to leave, or thought there was still something to salvage, and on, and on, and on... Resulting in going back to sleep and waiting until the next shock came.

Unfortunately for me, in the end, I didn't so much have an "A-Ha" moment, but a complete emotional meltdown. In retrospect, it's not surprising that the last straw came about two weeks after I had spent the last of an inheritance on back rent.
Months of crawling around his passed-out form, cleaning vomit from bedding, hours of yelling 'cause he needed cash for whatever, all the hours working I had to put in to compensate for his underemployment - I just dissolved into a sobbing puddle. I ended up calling my 72-year-old ailing father to come and collect me. The Height of Indignity.
I was contemplating going back to him, yes. Falling asleep (in which I mean forgetting the horrible indignities suffered in the past) are a symptom of the disease.

transformyself

YES! this intense emotional insecurity--for me at least--comes along with ignoring my own inner wisdom and maintaining the relationship with AH.

When I've been free of him, there is insecurity about a number of things, but it's not the same feeling of being with him and betraying myself.

On my own, I have to face myself, my own demons. But with him, I'm avoiding myself and my own demons.

does that make sense?

transformyself

I thought I deserved this for so long. It broke my heart.
Now it pisses me off to no end.