theuncertainty

and when is it just flat out giving up all hope? I'm not sure those are the right words....

St. Patricks Day is a huge trigger for XAH. It's his mom's birthday, she was sick for a long time and that was the reason we moved back to Alaska - to be able to be with her. She passed about 4 months after we got back and he had rarely gone to see her, because he felt bad about her being sick, so he drank instead. So now he feels guilty about drinking instead of seeing her, feels bad because she was sick during every holiday season (pneumonia related to lung problems)... you know how the excuses go. And in his case they are just excuses. I get grief and that it was his mother he lost, and I try to be compassionate, but when ever I suggested he might want to see a counselor to help with his grief or depression I was berated for not helping him, for not caring about him and that counseling was for people who were 'soft.' And that I must think he's soft to suggest such a thing. (Think of that word in the most demeaning sexual term for men, and you will get what he derogatorily means when he says that. He's not talking out-of-shape or a weak handshake.)

So any way, Christmas, Valentine's day, St. Patricks Day, and his birthday are major tie-one-on-days followed by sheer hell for those around him. Coincidentally enough, (or maybe not so much) he entered rehab at the end of March in 2010 after walking off the job he had at the time: drunk, po'd, and with a huge gash in his head where he'd fallen and hit it on equipment.

I keep rambling, sorry. So this past weekend was not only St. Patricks day, but an overnight visit for DS with XAH - still supervised.

I made sure DS had his phone (which they routinely turn off) and sent him off with the GF for the visit. I KNOW that this is a huge trigger week for XAH. A period to be drunk and nasty, hung-over and nasty, white-knuckling it and nasty.... DS and I worked out ways to reach me - call, secret message texts using emoticons.... I send him off.

I didn't feel like I cared. More like resigned to more cr-p: Well, whatever happens, happens. I can't control it. I can't protect DS any more than I am. I can't withhold DS unless XAH is visibly drunk. Which is hard to see when GF shows up alone to pick up DS. So.. I don't care. What ever. F--k it. If something happens, it happens.

This is my son and his safety I'm talking about. Sending him off to an abusive alcoholic father's on a known trigger week. DS is fine, BTW. He was more clingy than usual on coming back, but in a good mood otherwise.

I'm feeling guilty now that it's over. Because it doesn't feel like I'm less triggered by XAH's stressors, but more like I was numb the entire weekend. And that maybe I didn't care whether DS made it back in a sound state or not. For what it's worth, I still just feel guilty, not scared for DS's safety, just kind of numb.

So when is it stepping away from being co-dependent, or from suffering PTSD triggers or whatever, and when is it just retreating into a shell to be numb? Any thoughts, comments or insights on the difference?

lillamy

You made me cry.
We do what we have to when the laws give addicts priority over children.
That's all.
Chin up. We'll get through it.

wicked

He is too frickin weak to get help, because you have to be strong to ask for help.
Recognize you got a problem and then ask for help.
When you offer reasonableness, he gives you "only pussies need that kind of help."
You, the one who put up with all my ******** and the ******** I put my own children through,
You uncertainty, must stop your life to help this ***** get some help with HIS problem.

pffffttt.

I have to get away from this forum.
I am sorry uncertainty.

LaTeeDa

Here's what I think--you are doing great! Okay, you have an a$$ for an ex. BUT, you have made sure that his visitation is supervised. You have made sure that your son has a way to contact you. You provide your son with love and a safe place when he comes back from that environment. You care plenty. Please don't beat yourself for not doing enough. You have done all you can in less than ideal circumstances.

We all wish we could protect our children from emotional pain. We all wish we could protect them from the a$$e$ in the world, even when those a$$e$ are related to them. But in reality, we can't. I know it's hard to see when he is so young, but as he gets older you will realize that pain is part of life--even for our children. As a loving parent, all you can do is try to protect them as best you can, and be there for them when you can't. You my dear, have fulfilled both of those requirements and you are a wonderful mom. Please take that to heart, because it's true.

L

theuncertainty

Oh, you guys made me cry. So I can still feel. *shrug*

Wicked, I'm sorry my post upset you. (((hugs)))

Is there a difference? Between getting over being co-dependent and just not caring? There must be... When does it kick in? How does one know the difference?

lillamy

I think you get less and less codependent when you get away from the situation, as long as you keep working some kind of program. Asking those questions means you're aware of your thought patterns and behavior, and them changing. That is a good thing.
And if that means "giving up hope" that's OK.

I'm at the point where I am grateful for periods of civil behavior. I know it won't last, but I'm at least looking at how his behavior impacts me rather than how he might be feeling. That must be a step in the right direction, right?

LTD is right. You did everything you could, staying within the realms of the law, to protect your child. It's absolutely awful that you can't do more. But that part, you can't do anything about.

He'll get help or he won't. And every day, your son gets older, and every day he doesn't spend with his father, he grows in your love. That's where you need to focus your strength and energy. Big hugs.

LaTeeDa

I still remember the day I noticed that the anxious knot in my stomach was gone. I don't know exactly when it went away, but I remember clearly when I noticed it was gone. It was the strangest thing. Letting go of things you can't control feels weird at first. It feels like you "should" be anxious and worried, but you're not. It's a good thing even though it seems foreign. It doesn't mean you stop caring, it just means you start focusing on the things you CAN control. And that will take you far...

L

m1k3

Just out of curiosity, and you would probably have to talk to a lawyer, but could you make it a part of his child visitation is that 1. he has to pick up your son in person and 2. he has to prove he is sober, some sort of breathalyzer.

I have no idea if this is doable but at least you would know he is sober to begin with.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Like LTD said, I am most proud of how you dealt with the situation by empowering your child to make good judgment calls, instead of trying to fight the situation itself. That's the best thing you can do here, and one that over time will have great benefits. Your son will learn to protect himself and know you trust him to call the shots when he is with the A. And he'll know you are behind him all the way - if he needs you, you'll be there. Just a phone call away.

You're an awesome Mom!

theuncertainty

Thanks, guys.

LTD, I think that's it exactly: not having the tight ball of anxiety bouncing around constantly and feeling like I SHOULD. I guess I need to remember that I lived with that anxiety for a long time, it's going to feel weird when it goes away.

Lillamy, I completely understand being grateful for the periods of civil behavior. I'm not sure I'm grateful yet, but I breath a little better when those times show up. I occasionally still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, though. Usually around times that were his worst triggers....

Ahhh, M1ke. Double edged sword there. I should ask that XAH be present at pick up and drop off, so I know DS is spending at least some time with his father and not just the GF and her boys or the neighborhood kids when her boys are with their father. But,

• I don't want to see him at all, so I'm kind of glad when he doesn't show up.
• I'm not too sad at the thought of DS not spending the entire weekend with his father.
• If I insisted that XAH be present, I'd get to listen to GF rant and rave at me again about how I just want her incredible man back. I don't really want to deal with that right now.

As far as being able to ask him to take a breathalyzer: The court didn't even order any kind of testing after hearing about him driving GF's car drunk with DS in it. XAH said he hasn't gotten a DUI, so he's done nothing illegal.

I don't know, the first 3 reasons sound rather selfish as I write them down. It's about DS's relationship with his father, after all, not about me having to deal with XAH. But it's his relationship with an abusive alcoholic, so I'm OK sounding selfish.

wicked

Oh, uncertainty, you are such a wonderful and thoughtful mom.
I am fine and working through some family of origin stuff. (FOO Fighter )
And, most importantly you are getting free of that knot in your stomach that LTD expressed so well.

Your reasons may sound selfish to you, but that is because you have brainwashed yourself out of having anything to yourself, for yourself. Including time.
Your DS knows what to do, you, mom, have empowered him to take care of himself and call you when he needs you.

Try to get used to being out of the fog. It's a good day to be alive!

Beth

theuncertainty

I just have to share - I was dealing with Easter cr-p that I kind of initiated with AXH. DS asked me if he could stay with me Easter weekend (should be over-nighting with his dad), because Grandma will be visiting from the Lower 48. "I asked Dad and he said OK, but you have to ask him." So, stupidly, I did. I get an e-mail back from GF pretending to be AXH with digs about wanting it for their Family. I calm down, e-mail back basically saying whatever, it sounds like you changed your mind, we'll not change it. Would you please tell DS next time you see him?

I get an e-mail last weekend, from AXH this time, asking what I want: he can drop DS off IF DS wants it. What do I want? Holy juggling hand-grenades! How f-ing clear do I have to be? And how hard is it to tell DS: "Sorry, Bud. I want to see you." or "Sorry, Bud, we have to keep it to what the court said." or "Sorry, Bud, your Mom is a b-tch and won't let you stay home." (OK, well, I'm glad it doesn't sound like he used that last one.)

I had a counseling appointment yesterday. In the waiting area they have various things (magazines, books, mini-rock garden for meditative purposes, etc.), so I decided to see what the Chinese fortune sticks were; followed the instructions and pulled my fortune. "You will soon be annoyed by a man and a woman." Holy flying cr-p. Really?! No.... I was laughing my keister off when my therapist came out.

Florence

LOL. Say, "He can come to my house, thanks." And then enjoy your Easter.

mayalewiston

No matter how much distance and peace I seem to find within myself, the irrational and seemingly insane way that they function is enough to make anyone crazy. It's in their blood to over-complicate everything! Nothing is ever cut and dry. When I moved out, STBXAH "didn't care what i took", said I could take everything (which I didn't), then started getting picky about which GARBAGE cans I took... seriously, a $3 garbage can? Nothing will ever please them.

I know it's part of their addiction, but it is amazing to me how similarly they all go about life and their dealings with others. Even when we take the route of "Fine, whatever you want," the issue is still never resolved with them... and when they are no longer happy with what they originally requested/received, or perhaps need to justify their next binge, they think 'let's call theuncertainty/mayalewiston and get them riled up so that they will be so terrible to me that I deserve a drink'... My new motto is to just do whatever I want, as it's going to be my fault in STBXAH's eyes anyhow!

wicked

I love this saying! Gotta find a way to use it!

And yeah, I am with florence on this, "yep, drop him here, that is what i want."
of course, what maya says then comes into effect.
"if she wants it, she cant have it"
oh my.

Beth

theuncertainty

Update.... After making me beg him to let DS spend most of Easter Day w me and my mom who is visiting. After putting DS in the middle by telling him, 'But buddy, we'll be doing this... Go tell your Momma.' After trying to make me beg more. The fart-head didn't even stick around for his whole visit. GF dropped him off alone, and DS said Daddy had to go to Nome. And DS admitted that it was just him and Grandpa X at the daddy dinner the weekend before.

DS texted me at 1:20 AM last night. (And had texted me after midnight the last overnight weekend.) He was dropped off today smelling like poo... not his shoes... him... I don't know... Without underwear. I'd asked AXH (his GF since she pretends to be him on his email) to please make sure he's wearing it when he comes home, because he should be and is always wearing it when he goes over. I was berated by GF saying they don't know why he doesn't wear it, he has a full drawer of it.

Am I missing something? Isn't part of parenting making sure the kiddo is in bed at a decent hour and clothed appropriately?

And if AXH isn't there for the visit or part of the visit, do I have a right to ask that the 'visit' be cancelled or shortened?