RedCandle

My exAbf made it to 5 months sober...I was elated!

Last week...we had a very rough week...lots of arguing.

Today I get an email:
"Just wanted to tell you so you didn't think I was lying or hiding...I started drinking again."

It felt like the whole world crashed around me. Five months! Five months! All that hard work, all those meetings, all the support...gone.

Now he wont take my calls, or texts or emails.

I realize that in my panic of emotion...I'm getting too involved in HIS business...and its hurting me (tremendously)

I know...I can't control it.

I guess I'm wondering...is relapse a part of the process? Do I go "no contact?" Do I not talk to him until he reaches another 5 months?

Last time I tried to be the cheerleader...that obviously wasn't the right approach.

This is so heartbreaking....

Any advice on this topic is greatly appreciated!

Terminally Unique

RedCandle,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Contrary to what many may say, relapse is not part of the process of recovery -- it is actually part of the process of addiction. Think of the addiction as a living thing, and like a dying fish, it is gasping for air, trying to stay alive. When this happens, it usually means the alcoholic has either not committed to not allowing for any relapses, or has not quite come to terms with what he is dealing with.

I sometimes get some flack from posting such sentiments 'on the other side', but spousal or family 'support' is actually not necessary at all for recovery. This is a burden that no one can reasonably carry except for the addicted one. As you are unfortunately discovering, trying to carry this burden will cause you much unnecessary suffering.

You can, however, expect him to hold himself to a much higher standard, because although he may not believe it, he is perfectly capable of it. For my part, as long as I could count on 'support' from my family, I inevitably took the easier road and kept the addiction alive. I trust others will be along shortly to offer further guidance, but I hope you find your peace.

-- From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)

RedCandle

Terminally, you are absolutely right!

Ugh...I keep calling it "recovery"...but I guess thats NOT recovery.

I'm reading this amazing book about staying in YOUR OWN business. Because living in someone ELSE'S business only causes stress and pain.

I'm trying to follow this principle.

With that said, if family support is not helpful...should I refuse communication? Limit it?

Quite frankly...I'm surprised as to why he felt the need to tell me...and then ignore my attempt at reaching out to him...

So confusing.

Terminally Unique

He is likely knee-deep in a bender right about now, and the self-pity is kicking in. By telling you that he is drinking again, and then disappearing, he is likely trying to get himself to feel that it is not his fault, but yours. He may let you stew for a while, but rest assured that he is probably reading all of your messages, even if he is not answering them. I recommend that you tell him in no uncertain terms that you expect a much higher standard than his past brand of 'recovery', because you know that he is perfectly capable of not having any relapses at all. By doing this, you will short-circuit the guilt-trip cycle, and after some more self-loathing, he may snap out of it and get back on the horse.

m1k3

RedCandle, instead of focusing on him how about focusing on yourself. You have no control over his quitting, he will quit only when he is ready. Nothing you say or don't say, do or don't do will change that. It is totally on him.

So, the big question is what do YOU want out of this? It's ok for you to focus on your wants and needs. Figure out what you want to do with your life and go for it. It doesn't depend on anyone else.

Keep posting here for support if you need it. Al-anon was a good source of support and information for me as well.

Your friend,

RedCandle

Terminally...you NAILED it. Its like you've been reading our emails...
Of the many I sent him...he only sent one back. He said things like "Its obvious you don't love me," "You don't even want to be my friend," "You are happy with people, places and things other than me," "I only wish you had chosen me."

I'm embarrassed to say -- it worked. I felt horrible because I *do* love this person and I want the people I love to *feel* the love I have for them. After several unanswered calls and emails though...I stopped trying.

I love this: "I recommend that you tell him in no uncertain terms that you expect a much higher standard than his past brand of 'recovery', because you know that he is perfectly capable of not having any relapses at all."

That is really fantastic Terminally, I intend to say just that if I ever DO hear back from him.

Terminally, if you don't mind me asking...are there any other suggestions you have about dealing with the immediate time surrounding a relapse? I'm not sure what to expect...and admittedly, I have a lot of anxiety worrying that he's passed out at a bar somewhere, in an alley...or out cold on his floor.

I know I can't change that. But boy does it hurt.


Mike, you're absolutely right. I guess I just thought that once we cleared three months...it would be smoother sailing...and by 5 months...he'd be WELL on his way (I know...I'm such an amateur!)

During our relationship, *I* found happiness by making HIM happy. I loved seeing his face when I would bake bread, I loved surprising him with a kitchen covered in love notes in the morning, I loved taking him on trips...seeing HIM light up made ME light up. So when I think about making MYSELF happy...I often fail myself. Perhaps I should start volunteering somewhere....

Like many men and women who fall in love with alcoholics, I stay and try because I love the wonderful person buried beneath all the nonsense. That's what I want...maybe I need to find something else to want? I have a busy career, a great group of friends and plenty of hobbies...any suggestions on how else to expand my scope??

I really appreciate you inviting me to post. I can't tell you how much relief I've felt just reading these responses....

Tuffgirl

TU, your post is awesome! I can't agree more.

But I also believe relapse doesn't necessarily mean hopeless. But it does show you how hard the fight is for recovery, so maybe you can start living a life that works for you, and isn't so wrapped up in him. He's got a long way to go still....

Cyranoak

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said other than this... I'm not sure there's any other appropriate role than cheerleader, except maybe to be a silent cheerleader. You were right, of course, that it's his game to play.

My wife relapsed once since she's been sober, but since then it's been over a year since she drank (I believe). That said it is, and always will be, one day at a time in my opinion.

Take care,

Cyranoak

tabatha

My XABF relapsed after 10 years of sobriety then again after 12 months of sobriety and then again after one month and again, and again, and again. There will always be a chance of relapse, always. It's hard to live with knowing this. I would never do it again-not in a million years. After each relapse he was distant and unemotional. I learned after a while to just step back, let him alone, and not to contact him. He was ashamed and full of self pity. No amount of cheerleading helped and no amount of confirmation of love helped. I had to stop even thinking about if he was alive or dead and concentrate on how to make myself feel normal after all the insanity. My heart goes out to you in this situation. I know what it feels like to love someone and think everything is normal and ok, and then to be blindsided by a relapse.

RedCandle

I really appreciate you all sharing your stories...its helping me get through tonight.

I was doing pretty good, but now its 10pm, I haven't heard from him all day...and thats a pretty vulnerable place to be.

I get up my gumption to stand my ground, "I'm not going to let this bother me!!" But one thought of him slurring around a bar or my God, bringing home some drunk one-night-stand fling...I'm not too proud to say that my head and heart start to really ache.

Anvil, thank you for being so direct. Yes, I guess its obvious that I'm not in the plans. That causes me stress because I'm not sure why he would "announce" his drinking so that I "wouldn't think he was lying or hiding" and then BOOM...disappear. My goodness! don't even tell me then! What gives if you didn't want me involved!

Grrr......

Today has been really tough. I though we were getting closer to better things. I understand that its all my choice whether or not to wrap myself around this.

So...anvil...I'll be baking bread this weekend. Only, I don't have anyone to bake for now. Any suggestions? Where do places accept food donations????

thank you everyone for letting me vent. I may need you all over the coming days...I hope I can count on the feedback and support, it is greatly appreciated.

RedCandle

Ha ha! Here's the thing...I have hypoglycemia!

If I bake 16 soft hot pretzels for ME...I'm going to have a bigger problem than I do right now!

Yup...I bake and eat it vicariously through other people...

I bet I could take it down to the Hospitality or Ronald McDonald House....

Although, I bet its going to look funny when a lady with cupcakes and pretzels and cookies shows up with mascara running down her face....

(Hopefully, I'll be feeling much better by then!)

I'm somewhat in awe of how fast life can turn around in just a day...and with one email...

Its somewhat terrifying.

Terminally Unique

.

Terminally Unique

No, I'm afraid not. It is just that I have a first-hand perspective on this thing, having been addicted myself, coupled with the fact that my chosen method of recovery requires an intimate understanding of the addictive mentality. Addiction is often said to be baffling and irrational, but one of the very first things I was taught is that addiction is, in fact, entirely rational, once you understand what is driving it. With that piercing insight, there are only so many variations on a theme, and it becomes anything but baffling, and quite easy to predict.

If he isn't willing to talk to you, there is not much you can do at the moment. Right now, he is running on pure biological voltage, and there is a part of him that intuitively sees you as 'the enemy', and he is probably not even conscious of it. It is just a feeling. He will probably contact you again in due time.

The original person from prior to the addiction is still in there somewhere, but it has been subverted by an alternate persona. Tuffgirl remarked that this doesn't mean he is hopeless, and she is quite correct. I don't believe that anyone is 'hopeless', and there is always a chance that the authentic self might re-emerge. I trust the good folks here will offer you further guidance.

Take care.

RedCandle

Well, I woke up this morning to an email...
He apologized for all the pain *I* have been causing. That was followed by an outline of all the painful, awful choices I have made to lead us to this place. It ended with an "I love you...I think about you all the time...I wish you had chosen a life with me."

As you might expect...I'm feeling very hurt and emotional right now.

Terminally, I have taken notes on your advice and I will respond with the "no-nonsense" approach you suggested. A higher standard!
But I did want to reach out here FIRST to get my grounding....

I don't know if I'm supposed to try to communicate how his emails make me feel (hurt)...or perhaps I should hold off on responding...or maybe in addition to stating the higher standard (as terminally wisely advised) I should just peacefully wish him well on his way?

I'm very grateful for you all here. Before I found this place I would have been a sobbing mess, frantically calling him to reassure him that I Do love him, begging him not to drink. I have a lot of peace knowing I can get guidance here. It doesn't feel so lonely.

langkah

'I don't know if I'm supposed to try to communicate how his emails make me feel (hurt)...or perhaps I should hold off on responding...or maybe in addition to stating the higher standard (as terminally wisely advised) I should just peacefully wish him well on his way?'

Depends what you're willing to settle for. A good rule of thumb imo is to never make a choice (when choices are possible) where the desired outcome depends on an alcoholic staying sober forever.

Hopeworks

I just ended my relationship with my XA when he relapsed again... I can't even count the number of relapses in the past four years but every single episode was pure insanity on his part and I would follow right along on his crazy train... and I mean crazy in completely bizarre and stupid behaviors with very bad consequences... and those would have some spillover onto my own life.

He would do so well during his periods of abstinence and during some periods he was in true recovery and seriously working a very healthy program but the siren song of alcohol always was calling and true recovery was just too much effort and hard work.

He starting binging a month ago and I immediately packed his stuff and moved him out as I have an alcohol free boundary and so he decided to fly to Vegas where he continues to drink himself senseless 24/7.

How different would my life have been if I hadn't allowed myself to have been sucked back in by his manipulations and empty promises time after time? How different would his life have been if I hadn't given him so many soft landings and followed after him cleaning up the mess after him?

My ex and your ex have demonstrated that they can successfully abstain and my ex has even put his entire life back together... dream home, restored family relationships including his children and good sober friends.

People began to trust him again and he picked up a drink and unraveled everything ...

My point for you is this ... we tend to be so sympathetic to the disease aspect that we pity and worry to the detriment of the alcoholic. This is what I did time after time. The outcome I am experiencing now was inevitable... the signs were there time after time ... but I HAD to believe in him. I was the one who was just as unwell as he was... thats the ACOA codie little girl inside.

But I spent the last year and a half on this site reading, reading, reading post after post. HE HATED IT! Every night in bed I would read the message boards and I told him I was getting better even if he didn't.

I continued to go to Alanon... HE HATED IT! I read book after book on codependency and alcoholism. HE HATED IT.

But I got better. I got a "new pair of glasses" and became matter of fact and no longer nagged, complained or got involved in his recovery. I just told him they were his choices but my life and boundaries were now alcohol free and picking up a drink would end our relationship permanently. I told him I had "no more relapses" within me.

And I meant it. And I did it. And I am living in our dream home enjoying life and not having a bad moment except when I get his crazy texts (I am no contact but cannot change my phone number for business)

Crazy doesn't visit my house anymore and I detached on time release... one post at a time... one book at a time... and gave him every opportunity to get better with me.

He loved his mistress alcohol more...

Don't waste 4 years or 10 or 20... boundaries, boundaries, boundaries....create your own life and let him live his.

More will be revealed and in the end ... you will be OK! In fact... you might be simply fabulous... as my life is now headed in that direction...

RedCandle

Well that was pretty eye-opening...langkah, I think I"ve made *a lot* of choices based on him being completely sober. In fact, just this past Saturday I caught myself day-dreaming about the family I may have one day...and I noticed that dream had him in it...in the "ideal" state that I've created *for* him. I guess that's why they call it a day DREAM! I'll try to be more conscious of this going forward...

HopeWorks...I wish (and am working on) having an *ounce* of your fortitude! But you're right...I'll just write out my boundaries. Alcohol-free, higher standards...ok...here goes...

m1k3

RedCandle, what has worked for me in the past is to take a couple of deep breaths then examine what it is that I want it do. If I'm not sure then I don't do anything, I will just wait. Wisdom always comes once I let the craziness in my head settle down. I have learned that so many of my less skillful decisions happened when I acted in haste.

You are in turmoil right now and to be honest he wants you that way and is taking advantage of it. If you aren't thinking clearly it is much easier for him to manipulate you.

OH yeah, something I learned here. Active alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Your friend.

Hopeworks

One step at a time, one day at a time... I was a blubbering noodle 5 or 6 relapses ago as I was certain he was going to DIE if I didn't help him! Now I trust God to look after him as he knows the future and what my XA needs or chooses down deep in his heart.

Read, read, read... alanon and find a good counselor! Life changing actions that will help you with this relationship and your entire future!

You can be free and happy again... I PROMISE you that in time you can have peace, serenity and fulfill YOUR dreams ... take care of YOU!

Terminally Unique

See? They'll usually call back after letting their 'mark' stew for a while.

In order to understand this love-hate thing, you need to know that there are two competing personas within the man, and he is essentially at war within himself. On the one hand, he may very well think about you, etc, but there is another, far more sinister 'entity' at work that cares nothing at all for human life, neither his nor that of others. That part, which I call the Beast, wants to maintain the addiction at all costs, and you may rest assured that it sees you as the enemy, barely human. Judging from which part spoke first, it's easy to discern who is running the show. In order to survive, his Beast needs to not only conceal itself from him, but also destroy everything he loves that might get in the way of that next drink. You are, at the moment, its target.

I can assure you unequivocally and without reservation that you did not do anything to make him drink, neither now nor in the past.

I would recommend not responding immediately, possibly waiting until tomorrow morning, as this will give you time to get your bearings. I don't recommend telling him your feelings, since his Beast will smell weakness, and quite possibly just hurl more invective at you. I would simply respond that you are willing to have some sort of civil relationship (to what extent is not my place to say), but only if he holds himself to a much higher standard than he has been. Tell him that you are saying this because you know that he is perfectly capable of it. From there, you can set your boundaries, whatever they may be, ie, don't call me back until you have been sober for 'X' amount of time. He may balk, and try to guilt-trip you some more, but hold your ground, and don't respond to attacks.