feelingalone43

I did go to our vacation home this weekend, and it was lovely. The weather was beautiful and he didn't binge drink.

Now on to the go-home day. We had our separate vehicles. He decided to stop by and visit with someone while I and the kids headed home. He stopped for some beer to have during this visit. The store only had 12 packs of the low-alcohol beer so he buys a case of regular beer. Why not a 12 pack, because it costs more that way (this is your brain on booze). Anyway, he visits, and drinks, then instead of staying put, he decides to drive home. He makes it about 2/3 of the way and then decides he is having difficulty keeping his vehicle on the road. So I get a call from him, and I go pick him up. So now we have to go back next morning to pick up his truck. Used way more money in gas than it would have cost to buy the low-alcohol beer. When I mentioned that to him this morning, he of course agreed with me.

Now to my question: Did I enable him, or did I do the right thing by keeping him from hurting innocent drivers?

ODAT63

I think you did the right thing, I would of done the same just for the same reasons, to be safe for others sake.

OliveColored

You did the right thing by giving him a ride.

If you had said no, and he killed himself or someone else exactly what kind of condolence would "at least I didn't enable him" be?

john1972

As an alcoholic myself, i agree with the above comments, you may have helped save a life, i do though believe it is more enabling if you agree to purchase the alcohol for him or make excuses for him.

OnTheRise

By definition, yes, that could be considered enabling; however, the contents of the circumstances would also point to you being a very caring person because you would do the same for any friend or family in that situation; alcoholism aside. My AW would have ripped my head and arms off if I mentioned the saving money thing, so to hear that he accepted your opinion on this is wonderful to hear. I hate being a "negative nanny" though but, I have to say that could be a double edged sword, for now he may view his actions as a-ok because you will come fetch him. I've gone through this with her: abuse, hate, anger, name-calling, belittling and all untill she needs a ride to the store to get "supplies", then its all smiles and laughter. Please watch out for this becoming a pattern, it becomes second nature far too easily and way to quickly. Stay true to what you think and feel, not just a "worker" for the one you love.

MyBetterWorld

Yes, it IS enabling. Anytime you help the alcoholic avoid the consequences of their drinking it is enabling. However, in this instance I probably would have done the same thing in the name of public safety!

ODAT63

Many times I volunteered to drive my xah to the store to buy the beer because I did not want him to kill or hurt someone, then I did notice he started to demand I buy the beer for him, I said no way, I am done, if you want it you go get it...he did and each time I pray to my HP to protect those in his path, that was the only control I had.

m1k3

At the point I was getting ready to move out if my AW had called with something like this I would have said pull over. I'll make sure someone comes and gets you. Then I would have called the police.

I will admit that this would have been more of a chance to get back at her than being helpful.

feelingalone43

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the input. I do not buy him any beer (low-alcohol or otherwise). And calling the police would have done no good as he was already parked at a gas station, and sitting in the back seat of the truck with the keys out of the ignition. He has known people who have been arrested for drunk driving even though they were parked. They were behind the wheel and the keys were in. I'm really not proud of the fact that he knows this.

I have always promised to give him or anyone else a safe ride home. I drive these roads with my children in my vehicle, and one of my kids is a new driver. I feel very strongly about keeping drunks off our roads. They may have the right to do whatever they want to their own bodies, but they do not have the right to put me or my loved ones in danger due to their stupidity.

Sorry to rant, but I really do feel quite strongly about it.

LaTeeDa

So, you didn't really prevent him from driving because he didn't intend to drive anyway for fear of DUI?

In that case, definitely enabling, and sounds like he expects to be "saved" by you whenever he gets himself into this sticky situation.

I understand wanting to keep a drunk off the road. Unfortunately, I also understand feeling responsible for a grown adult who should be responsible for himself. Not an easy place to be for sure.

L

Thumper

It is for sure enabling but I'd have probably done it too. You could have told him no and he could have slept there in the car until morning and then drove home. He could have figured out how to go back this morning to get the car on his own. You could have called the cops if you didn't think he'd have stayed put. You could hide away every dime and he'd have to figure out how to pay for the extra gas. All kinds of scenarios that would have made him accountable but that is a hard way to live. I enabled in all kinds of ways and looking back I don't know that I would have done some of it any different anyway. It is hard to remove all enabling within the framework of a marriage especially when children are involved. You share space, you share money, you share legal responsibility etc. It is just very hard. His consequences quickly become your consequences and your children's consequences and that is a tough spot to be in. Do the best you can and what you can live with.

choublak

I would have let him pass out/sober up in the back seat then.

Who do you mean when you say, him or "anyone else"?