OliveColored

My former ABF just got out of rehab on Saturday, and as I always suspected, it seems like a total failure.

He's sober and taking antabuse now, but he is adamant about "not living his life like an alcoholic." He tells me he only wants to drink a few times a year, when he graduates, at the fishing tournament, etc. I told him it's his "terminal uniqueness" speaking.

I am moving next month and I told him I wanted him to stay with me for awhile to see if he likes it there. But I told him, if you're there, you cannot drink. He says he won't come if that's the deal.

I miss him. I miss touching him. I want him to hold me again.

BillyPilgrim

If he values drink more than you......

m1k3

Sorry to say this but you gave him a choice. You or the booze. He picked the booze. Pretty much got the same thing from my wife of 36 years. She picked the pills and booze.

That's ok. I now know through working a program through here and al-anon that I am enough just as I am. I don't need someone else to complete me. I have moved out and I am starting the divorce. I know I have the rest of my life in front of me and I want to live it with contentment and happiness and adventure. I have no desire to spend any more time taking care of an A or sitting around waiting for the next relapse to happen.

I deserve better and so do you.

Your friend,

justrae83

I too am going throught the same thing...exept mine wants to drink and he found someone else after 6 years.

OnTheRise

Ms. Olive:
You have the power and RIGHT to make the following choice: Do you want to be in a loving committed reciprocated relationship OR would you like to be involved with someone with whom you would be competing for affection from with an inanimate object? This is your choice and is about you. By you giving him the right to choose you hand over all you strength hopes and dreams to him to do wth as HE pleases. Take back your power by making a choice for you, you deserve it. Ending this is going to be hard, VERY hard. You will miss the good times, but dont let the good outshine the bad. You will miss the things that you said. It is going to suck, BUT (im about to be very corny so sorry its just who I am) slowly at first you will rise and with increasing velocity you WILL pull out of the depths. Remember this is actually your choice to make, you need to be strong for the immediate and long term, you CAN do it. Everyone deserves to be loved, not in a conjoined relationship with other substances.

nodaybut2day

You do it by:
a) Eating junkfood and chocolate while watching a totally silly tv series;
b) Calling a friend or many friends whenever you have that nagging desire to call him;
c) Journal a lot to get out all the angst;
d) Treat yourself to goodies, rest, nourish your body;
e) Meditate/pray (especially the serenity prayer that reminds us that we have NO POWER over the actions and thoughts of others);
f) Remind yourself of WHY the relationship simply isn't going to work and that knocking your head against that brick wall can only bring you pain.

Ask me how I know...I'm right in the thick of it.

fourmaggie

have you read Melody Beatties CO DEPENDENCY no more?
its an awesome read...i saw ME written all over the pages...

I go for walks...read alot....go for coffee to meet my girlfriends..and window shop ....skipping with my daughter and archery with my son....i just keep busy...

transformyself

Hi Olive, what a lovely name.

Here's how I came to be able to "not talk to someone you love so much."

Transforms Path To Not Talking To Someone She Loves So Much
-Chase your alcoholic, desperate, even when it's clear he doesn't want you. You can't really put your finger on it, but you suspect it's fate that brought you together and if he can just SEE it, why, you'll have the most amazing relationship ever because you LOOOOOOVE him SO much. Really
-Do this for, oh, three years. He leaves you, you feel like you're dying, you go over and take your clothes off and that makes everything all better until the next time.
-Do this until you get pregnant.
-Have a baby with your alcoholic. He works day and night jobs to support you. Resents every minute.
-Have another baby with your alcoholic, because you want to gift your child with a sibling. Nevermind that an alcoholic family will not teach those children how to love, respect or help each other. Just how to blame, fight and be fearful.
-Spend another eight years chasing and obsessing about how much the alcoholic drinks, how he doesn't respect you and finally he moves out for a few months to sleep with several women.
-Crawl on the floor weeping until you can't cry anymore. Decide you're too old for this **** and better do something about acting like a teenager.
-Begin to seriously wonder how to help your children, who are mostly neglected because A) their father is a ******* drunk and B) their mother is obsessed with the drunk and not taking care of her kids.
-Somehow, miraculously, have the courage to look at this new information without blaming yourself, and begin to get help for your kids and yourself, regardless of whether or not the alcoholic wants to change and get better.
-Ooops! This change in your behavior will trigger the alcoholic into a fearful state. He will begin to, for the first time, appear to care about your needs and promise to deliver on them.
-When he wants to come home, let your hopes of rectifying your own neglectful abusive childhood take over and put down the hard work you're been doing to get better because, lets face it, this man is your savior and if you can get him to love you and never leave you then you'll have won that old, unresolved childhood issues thing.
-In a short amount of time, you begin to suspect your alcoholic won't be able to love or respect you, but it does feed your need to have drama and pain and chaos in your life. There's that.
-When your alcoholic has another affair, you finally kick him out and start to work on yourself. It's traumatic and scary, but gives you more hope than you've ever had.
-After two years of separation, of developing friends and relationships with people who truly love you, go ahead and allow your alcoholic to move back in because you can't pay the bills and he's already paying all of them. Justify this by saying that you're so happy and healthy now, on your own, and feel so strong that you think you can deal with him and after all, he says he won't drink anymore.
-Your alcoholic will continue to drink, despite promising not to, stuff resentment and being around him makes you feel a little sick to your stomach because you konw you've cheated yourself, you can get an attorney and begin the process of separating out all of your stuff.

-So, lets see, in my calculations, it should take you... 37 years to be able to not talk to someone you love so much, between the childhood stuff and marriage and kids and divorce, to learn to love yourself enough to not chase after someone who doesn't respect or love you.

Viola! Good luck!