zombiekitten

Very long. I apologize, but I need to get this all off my chest somehow... I haven't even told anyone the fullest extent of what I've been going through and I need to let it out before I go crazy myself.

This is the first time I've ever posted here, but I've been a lurker for a few months. I am 19 years old and in a relationship with an almost 26-year-old "alcohol abuser". I'm hesitant to call him an alcoholic because he's not physically dependent on alcohol. But, he said he enjoys drinking and it 'helps him unwind' and if he could have his way he would be drinking every day. He also tends to binge drink on occassion to the point of puking/passing out. His binge-drinking has slowed down considerably - we have been dating for almost a year, and when we first met he drank much more than he does now - in fact, the foundation of our entire relationship when we first started dating was based on drinking. :/

He got a DUI last May, and during the following summer he binge-drank a LOT. He is an angry, aggressive, and psycho drunk, no other way to put it. He called me up all the time cursing me out and calling me all kinds of names, accusing me of cheating, putting me down, and threatening to kill me and my family, as well as threatening suicide on multiple occassions. He has drank while on the phone with me saying he hopes it will kill him and I'll have to listen to it, he has taken pills while on the phone with me. After a party we went to together one night, he only drank maybe three beers but on the ride home (yes, he drove a few times without his license - I was stupid to go along with it/even condone this action) we got into a fight and I threatened to break up with him, and then he started purposely driving like a crazy person telling me he'll kill himself this way and take me down with him. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I was screaming and crying and the only way I got him to stop was by saying 'I love you, I'm sorry, I won't break up with you..' blah blah.

After that I said incident I said we should go on a break (this is around September I believe..). Things with his drinking and drug use improved astoundingly. He hardly drank at all and apologized for everything he'd done and told me how much he loves me, and that he understands if I won't forgive him. He seemed to really change so I got back with him. And things WERE different. Our relationship was greater than it'd ever been. Then came New Years. While I really enjoyed it, because I felt so close to him after all the changes he made and our relationship was going good, we did drink that night. I thought it was harmless and it'd been so long, what was wrong with drinking a little that one time? However, although that night was fun and went well, I believe it "opened the gates" so to him drinking regularly again. Soon after that we got into a fight one night, and he bashed his own head against the wall repeatedly in front of me, it was terrifying to watch.

On the night of the super bowl, things got out of control. It was me, my boyfriend (we'll call him X), his two friends, and brother. X drank two forties of Steel Reserve. He thought me and his friend Ryan were flirting when we were literally just talking (oh, we got to the same community college, what classes you taking? Uh, NOT FLIRTING!) Anyway, he left the room and went to his own bedroom. When he didn't come back for a few minutes I went to check on him and found the door locked, and he yelled at me to '**** off you stupid bitch". I went back to the living room and a few minutes later he came out and threw a hamper across the room, pretty much towards me but it didn't hit me, it hit the beers on the coffee table which spilled all over me. Then his brother was like 'what the ****?' and they ended up getting into a huge fist fight right there in the living room! Literally choking and punching each other (his brother isn't exactly the most 'stable' person either - some background, their father was a heroin addict who beat them all the time until he left them). I was screaming for them to stop and tried to break it up, his friend Rob told me to get out of the way before I got hurt and sure enough I got my hair pulled and got shoved backwards. I left right after that, completely shaken and in tears. By the time I got home he called me and told me he was going to slit his wrists if I didn't come back. I told him no, and right before I hung up I heard him scream out in pain. I didn't speak to him for about a week after this. He got drunk again a few days later and got into a fight with two other guys, causing his ribs to fracture. Eventually though, as usual, he apologized and was acting all sad and saying he loved me, how much pain both physical and emotional he's in, that BS. He now has cutting scars all over his arms, stomach, and one on his throat. And after all this, I took him back, on the condition that he stop drinking completely.

Typically, he stopped for a few weeks. Over the past few weeks he has started again but it is minimal. However, I have not been accommodating. I nag him, bitch at him, refuse to talk to him, plead with him, cry... I've become very sick of it as of late. The person I've turned into is someone I don't know anymore... I am nasty, and full of resentment, misery, and pain from all the hurt I have been through... It's true he hasn't been as bad as he once was (summer was when he was at his worst for a long period of time, save for the above isolated incident). But I can't even tolerate seeing him with ONE beer. I just can't. He doesn't understand why I can't move on, and saying he has been drinking responsibly for me, and that I need to get over the past because he's "changed". I just could not bring myself to believe it.

This all leads up to today. We were supposed to hang out at 4 pm. I had homework and errands to do before then. At exactly 4 he called me, and I wasn't totally ready yet, so I asked for 30 more minutes. He was like 'ok cool, I have to walk home anyway' (Yes, he's still dealing with the fallout from his DUI). I noticed he sounded a little off and got mad, and asked 'from where?' He told me he had been hanging out with his friend and they had 'a couple of beers.' I got angry because I knew he was lying, and I was just sick of the broken promises. We got into a horrible fight in which I said a lot of very hurtful things to him. I cursed at him, told him he was a douchebag and I hated him, he was pathetic and a loser, his friends are losers, and that 'maybe my standards are too high, and I need a man who's smarter and more educated and not an alcoholic'. I could tell he was intensely hurt by what I said. He said "Why are you always putting me down lately when I'm actually trying? All you do is make me feel bad about myself." Which is true. I have become a rather horrible person lately, I recognize this. Then he said, "I don't think we can come back from this. I'm gonna go out tonight and get sh*thoused and hopefully die." Then he hung up on me and turned his phone off. I have been unable to get in contact with him for the past few hours.

I feel horrible. If something terrible happens to him I will never forgive myself because I said really cruel things. At the same time, I am so furious and resentful with him for putting me through this heartache. Many of you might say 'oh just leave him' but it isn't that simple... he is my first ever relationship and the guy I lost my virginity to. Maybe I am pathetic myself. Most women with self-respect would have probably left this relationship a long time ago... I feel so alone, nobody knows what I go through. My friends know he drinks but they have no clue how bad it is. I feel extremely damaged from this relationship which I know is toxic but I don't know if I even want to get out of it, that's the most messed up part... When he isn't drinking he is so loving and sweet. I will crumble if something bad happens to him tonight.

suki44883

Yes, leaving him IS that simple. That's not to say it's easy, but it is the best thing for you. He is a violent person and he is manipulating you with all his talk of hoping he dies. If he wanted to die, he'd kill himself. Again, simple. But he won't, because he has no intention of dying.

Very, very few of us end up spending our lives with the person to whom we lost our virginity. That's just a fact. That is no reason to stay with someone who treats you like dog crap, which is what he does. Maybe you are too close to the situation to realize it, but that is how he treats you. You deserve better, but you aren't going to get it from this guy.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here from people who understand what you are going through because we've been through the same things. Please take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of the forum. You will find a lot of very helpful information there. You don't have to live like this, and we are here to support you.

zombiekitten

Yeah I know most people don't stay with the person who they lost their virginity to. I know in my heart we will break up eventually, probably sooner than later. I don't know how much more of this I can take. He is severely mentally ill and I am in no way equipped to deal with it.
I guess I wonder why I still love him... Why I still care so much. Why I've let myself be treated like this. It's pathetic of me. I truly feel like I hate myself right now.

EnglishGarden

Oh my dear, love should not be so chaotic and fearful and painful.

Is there an adult in your life who can counsel you? Anyone mature and trustworthy?

It is very common for girlfriends of addicts to lose all self-worth, to behave in ways which are completely out of character, and to find themselves unable to leave because the addict runs hot and cold--loves one day and hates the next. Love is inconsistent so the addict keeps the girlfriend hanging, waiting, for his next move. This is very common. It is not your fault. It is a part of the syndrome of addiction.

One thing I have been told about alcoholics: they may threaten suicide but few ever actually kill themselves because they want one more drunk. One more high. They stay alive for that.

Please find someone who can hold this problem with you and help you. Alcoholics often keep their girlfriends isolated. The girlfriend usually does not even realize it's happening. But the alcoholic isolates her so he can control her. Control is everything to an alcoholic.

Please find a person to take this to. It is too much for you, alone. Someone mature and safe.

Magichappens

Hi Zombiekitten,
Welcome! I am sorry you are struggling. It may be best if you leave, if you can. I always had a real hard time leaving those messed up guys. Even when I did, I usually found another one like the other one. They seemed nice at first, but it didn't take long for that mask to come off. It finally hit me that I was the common denominator in every messed up relationship I had.

Whether you stay or go, I would invite you to check out Al-anon. It gave me sanity. It helped me to find wholeness inside myself that I had been trying to find in relationships. I learned about alcoholism (BTW, they don't have to be physically dependent to be alcoholic). I was able to meet people who had been as confused and hurt as I was, and who had gotten better.

Maybe you can just walk away. There are a lot of people who can (or at least they say they can). I am not one of them. I had to find peace in the middle of the storm. It can be done. Hugs, Magic

mattmathews

This is a storm that may kill you.
If you don't understand anything else about your boyfriend, understand that you're being manipulated. He doesn't know everything about you, but he knows how to pull your strings. And the string that works best with you? Threatening to kill himself. He pulls that thread and you come running.
Think about it...he threatens to cut his wrists but he doesn't...or maybe he does, but you know he's a "cutter" and he knows he's a cutter and he knows that a little more blood out of his arm isn't going to hurt him...in fact he gets a rush from it. He threatens to kill himself in the car and you tell him you love him. He beats his head against the wall--but you know that he not afraid of a little pain to get what he wants. He threatens to get drunk and hopefully die and you call him repeatedly (and you know he knows you're calling him...he'll call you back when he's ready).
Life is full of illusions...we belive that we're trapped by circumstances (or by love) but when we clear away the illusions we can see that we are completely free, and that we always were free. Set yourself free.

mattmathews

This is a storm that may kill you.
If you don't understand anything else about your boyfriend, understand that you're being manipulated. He doesn't know everything about you, but he knows how to pull your strings. And the string that works best with you? Threatening to kill himself. He pulls that thread and you come running.
Think about it...he threatens to cut his wrists but he doesn't...or maybe he does, but you know he's a "cutter" and he knows he's a cutter and he knows that a little more blood out of his arm isn't going to hurt him...in fact he gets a rush from it. He threatens to kill himself in the car and you tell him you love him. He beats his head against the wall--but you know that he not afraid of a little pain to get what he wants. He threatens to get drunk and hopefully die and you call him repeatedly (and you know he knows you're calling him...he'll call you back when he's ready).
Life is full of illusions...we belive that we're trapped by circumstances (or by love) but when we clear away the illusions we can see that we are completely free, and that we always were free. Set yourself free.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, zombiekitten (two things that just don't fit together when I visualize it in my head! LOL!)

I am sorry for your situation that brought you here to post, but glad you found a place where your situation is understood by others.

All I can say to you is relationships don't have to be this dramatic. As a matter of fact, healthy relationships aren't.

And secondly, you don't cause him to drink, you can't control it, and you can't cure him. You didn't break him, you can't fix him. And you are not responsible for his behavior and feelings. This is a grown up you are talking about - he is capable of having some self control by now. He's not 5.

Think very carefully about what you want for your future. Can you imagine this guy as a Dad to your kids, acting like this? Taking him home to meet your folks for dinner and having him behave this way? Because if its out of control now, it will continue to get worse until he stops drinking.

Take good care, and keep coming back!
~T

zombiekitten

Thank you for all the responses.
It is reassuring to know some have been in similar situations.

Logically, I think I know his suicide threats are just that - threats. And manipulation. Even his friend told me anytime he acts like that to ignore him, turn off my phone, because 'he's just looking for attention'. It makes sense but I somehow can't separate myself from the worry. I want to detach so badly, it's horrible going through these situations all the time. I feel sick and cry and can't focus on anything else.

I have been considering al anon. I'm not sure if it would be right for me though, I'm not very comfortable sharing myself in a group with others... I'm very quiet/reserved. I don't know if it would be a good fit for me but I won't shut it down completely.

As for what happened last night... I ended up breaking down and going to his house looking for him. It was storming horribly and I didn't want to keep thinking about him being drunk out in the streets or something. He is currently living with his mom, she answered the door and said he wasn't there and I told her about my concerns. We had a big talk. She told me she worries about him everyday, that he will give her a nervous breakdown someday, that he cannot just drink 'in moderation' because it will always lead to something more - as their family is predisposed to addiction, a lot of drug addicts and alcoholics. We were actually going to go look for him when we opened the door, and there he was about to come in himself - soaking wet from the rain and looking shocked to see us both. He wasn't actually that drunk, but I found out he also smoked a lot of weed, popped a methadone, and took an right of shrooms. :/

After he came down some we talked. He wasn't happy I came over and spoke about this to his mom. That shows how much I care though! He can't appreciate that. At one point he started crying. I asked him what was wrong, he said 'everything'. Stuff with our relationship, unhappy with himself - feels like he's wasting his life and he's a piece of ****. How he has no true friends and he only best friends he's ever had died in a car accident a few years back...

I know he's really messed up from a lot of the things he's gone through in life. I wish he would seek therapy or at least go to AA... I honestly believe he's too messed up to fix himself on his own, but that's exactly what he says he'll do. In April he's planning on going down to San Diego to live with his sister and her family for a month, getting away from all the bad influences/friends in town. She has two toddlers, so he can't drink around them. Basically this will be his 'detoxing' experience, where all he will do is help out with the kids, exercise, and write music. After this, he's going to go lie with his uncle in New Mexico for a few months where he'll be living sober and working for his uncles business, saving up money so when he comes back he can get a place of his own.

I don't really know what to think of all this. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts. On the one hand, I really want to see him get better. I feel like this sort of opportunity could work. On the other, I'm worried that the loneliness and isolation will actually DRIVE him to drink, and maybe make matters worse - maybe not in San Diego, but I can see it happening in New Mexico. On top I all this I wonder how it'll affect our relationship. Is it worth it to stay together but not see each other for months, when our relationship is already struggling? Will this plan bring us closer together or pull us farther apart? I love him and if he can seriously improve himself I want to be with him. But if things will just get worse, I don't want to be wasting my time.

Tuffgirl

What I read here is all about him. His life, his choices, his bad judgment.

What do you want for your life?

You are 19. The world is out there for the taking. You can be anything you want to be at this point. Do you want to waste that opportunity on this guy? When there are - what - 3 billion other guys out there?

What do you want to be when you "grow up"? Any plans to go to college? Travel?

zombiekitten

You're right Tuffgirl, I know I'm young... I really do have my whole life ahead of me and I shouldn't have to waste it miserably.

I am currently in community college with plans to transfer to a UC school the fall after next. I want to major in English or something similar (my grammar and sentence structure isn't great on here but I'm more concerned with getting the facts/feelings across, not treating it like English class! lol). But seriously, I am a good writer and it's one of the only things I'm actually confident about in life.

I want a home and a family, with someone I can trust to be a loving father and husband - not a depressed drunk. But before that I do want to travel. Seeing new places and experiencing other cultures/history intrigue me. I'd even enjoy perhaps studying/living abroad for a few years. Ideally I'd like to have a loving partner to go along with me for these experiences. Or perhaps I can get some sort of journalism job that involves traveling, who knows? My life is hardly sorted out yet... but I guess that's all a part of being young, right?

choublak

In my experience, the studying/living abroad thing is better without having a "partner" along...at least when you're young and in school.

mayalewiston

Zombiekitten, this is going to sound really weird, but hear me out I am actually very envious of you right now. I actually WISH I had an experience with an alcoholic when I was 19 and learned the lesson that I am going through now at the age of 32 when I was much younger. You have your WHOLE life ahead of you. I met my AH 6 years ago and realized he was an A over the past 2-3... It got MUCH worse after we got married 9 months ago. In the 6 years that we have been together, I have put my career on hold (AH has always had a great job so I took some time to volunteer, etc), married AH, and my entire life is sooo much different than it would have been. Now I have to try to reclaim my career, pay off the bills that AH and I racked up (while he made good $$ he had ****** credit, so guess who got stuck with the bills), and completely START OVER from a life that I thought I had all figured out / planned out.

What I am trying to say is that the silver lining is that you are experiencing this now, while you still have all of the opportunity and options in the world in front of you. Once you get through this, you will NEVER (I hope!) get in a situation like this again as you have learned this lesson.

I'm not trying to take away from the pain you are feeling - trust me, I TOTALLY get it. You love him and that seems like your entire world right now... I'm in the exact same boat, but I just wanted to give you the silver lining. You want a home, family, etc with a good man - you WILL get that... but not from someone like this and you have all the time in the world to find that person - as well as yourself.

Hang in there.... you sound like you have everything going for you and this jerk does NOT deserve you. Let this pain motivate you to ensure you don't end up with someone like this again...

silkspin

Hi zombiekitten,

When I was 17 I met a guy like that. Spent 6 years like yours with him. Up and down, he attracted me almost as much as he terrorized me which made it very hard to leave. I was young like you too and felt so entrenched in it and in him (and he was also my first) that I couldn't see anything else. He was violent, got in fights with others who even looked at me, went through rehab, cheated on me (never proved it but people told me they saw him with other girls when he told me he was home). He would threaten suicide; once we were having an argument over the phone and he said if I hung up he would do it. Talk about terrorizing. Very volatile guy, some crazy fights, very controlling. Didn't want me to go out with others because he didn't 'trust' other guys. I know exactly how you feel. I walked on eggshells a lot, and would back down as soon as he'd threaten harm to himself because he seemed so convincing that he would do it. And yet, as far as I know, he's still alive. Go figure. He would also harm himself by punching walls etc.

I broke up with him one time when we university but when we came home for the summer he manipulated and worked on me until I took him back. Three years later he went away for a family vacation, told me he wanted to marry me just before he left, then didn't call for 2 weeks. Came home and told me he had seen an ex (they were vacationing where her family lived that's how he met her in his childhood) and they rekindled their puppy love and that he was leaving me, and marrying her the next summer. All in 2 weeks, after us being together 6 years, and after promising me marriage just before leaving?????!!!!!

I still can't believe I allowed myself to be so sucked in by such a toxic human being. Looking back I see how I was addicted to the bad boy and because he could turn it on when he wanted and be so loving and charming and charismatic.

You already have more strength than I did because you have sought help through this forum. I never really told anyone about anything, but explained any fights away and made excuses for him. When we lived in residence at school, he must have slept with at least 2 other girls and although I suspected, I never had the courage to do anything about it. I was a doormat and I let him control my life like a tumbleweed being blown around by the wind.

I'd like to think that I would have again summoned the strength to get away from him at some point, although him leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. The guy I'm married to now, even though he has an alcohol problem, he is the exact opposite and has rarely ever raised his voice, does respect me and my space, he is more of a drinker to get rid of his own internal demons.

I know exactly what you are going through - sometimes it would just be so much to deal with him that it was mentally overwhelming. I'd give in, then I would feel horrible about caving. All I can say is that although there were good times, people like this rarely change. It's up to you to decide if you want to keep riding the roller coaster and it sounds like you're already looking to get off. Just think, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you - do you really want to be dealing with this every day, in and out for years and years to come? When I think about still being with my guy, it literally makes me shudder. My life isn't perfect by any means but at least I don't have the chaos that he was. Take care of yourself.

zombiekitten

Thank you so much for all your responses! Everybody here is so understanding. Any other forum I'd take this issue to would probably just call me a moron and tell me I'm weak for letting it get this far. It is so reassuring to hear similar stories. Silk, I'm sorry that six years of your life were spent like this. :/ your experiences sound exactly like what I'm going through (minus the cheating, but I guess no one can be 100% positive about that.) It's only been a year for me living like this and it's hell. I'm really glad to hear you have a better man now.

May, I totally understand where you're coming from. This has actually occurred to me more than once, mainly through reading other people's stories on this four
- there have been times where I feel like I shouldn't complain as much because others go through so much worse, married for years to alcoholics... If there's anything I can take from this experience, it's knowing what red flags to catch in the beginning and remembering how miserable I felt so hopefully I won't choose similar partners again...

Choublak, you make a good point. Maybe being abroad is a better time to be alone and learn about life/yourself. I always thought It'd be fun to see new places with someone you love but I guess that's what vacations are for, lol.

Caz12

Hey zombiekitten!
I've just recently left my A of 4 years after 2 years of chaos and alcohol! I've decided I'm going travelling with some friends and it's really exciting. Having something to look forward to and plan is really helping me take my mind off my ex. We are the lucky ones, We realised after not aslong as some people that these relationships are wrong for us and have our whole lives ahead of us to enjoy.
I'm not going to lie to you it's bloody hard and I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since I left but I'll get there soon enough. Surround yourself with friends and family and look towards your exciting future it really does help.

painterman

I don't have very much to add to all the good advice you've been given, but please heed it.
You sound quite mature and sensible so you will know in your heart that this is no way to begin your adult life-you need to concentrate on what's best for you, your education must be a high priority. Do have the support of other family members-hope you are sharing this if so. Good luck.

Tuffgirl

This is perfect - hang on to your dreams. It's all too easy to lose sight of them when we get wrapped up in someone else's addictions.

The thing is - you don't owe this guy anything. But you owe yourself a lot! And try to imagine the situation in reverse, would he "wait" for you? .

Life, your HP, the Universe, whatever your beliefs are...you are getting a chance to change direction. Take it and see what happens. If this relationship was really meant to be - it will happen on its own time, without your intervention.

m1k3

Something that really helped me.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

He will quit when he is ready and not one second before. There is nothing you can do about it. Nothing you say or don't say will change it. His drinking, his problems, his choice.

Now you have choices as well and you should make them because that is what YOU really want to do. That's it. You can choose because it's want you want to do.

I left my wife of 36 years last year and have finally filled for divorce. She has been an active alcoholic the last 20 of them. I do NOT recommend spending 20 years married to an alcoholic.

At 57 I figured out I still have the rest of my life ahead of me, shouldn't be that hard for you at 19 should it?

Enjoy life, you are worth it.

Your friend,

suffering0605

Hi Zombie,

I went through a familiar situation when i was 18. I ran away with my boyfriend, we were both alcoholics and addicted to crack cocaine. The problem was (well besides the booze and drugs) that my bf got incredibly violent when he was drunk, which was everyday. He began just punching holes in the wall, then started punching himself in the head, and eventually started punching ME in the head. It was the same routine everyday, drink, get high and fight. The cops had to pull him off me several times. Anyways, i know you think right now that he wont lay a hand on you. Thats simply not true. Violence escalates and gets worse and worse everytime. I was terrified to leave by boyfriend, bc i thought he would kill me and i honestly did "THINK" at the time that i did love him. But then i decided that i loved myself and needed to escape the madness. I told him i was going to the deli to get ciggarettes one time, and never returned and never answered his calls ever again. I left all my belongings there and went to a long term rehab to kick the crack (I didnt think i was a 'real' alcoholic at the time).
I know the game your boyfriend is playing, he sees that everytime he threatens suicide, you come back to him....so that is what he does to keep you now. He thinks at this point, you will never leave him. You should show him wrong. You CAN leave him and NEVER look back. Of course its gona be hard, whether you love him, or think you love him....your still gona have a feeling of being lost without your partner. If your boyfriend was serious about keeping you, he'd get up off his drunk a*s and go check himself into a rehab or show signs of recovery. He'd also get a therapist to help with his emotional problems or pychosis.
I really dont mean to sound rude, but it really kills me hearing stories about this bc i was in the same situation and i know how painful it is. However, you need to think of you. Your life and your future is your choice, but you must take steps in order to get the life you want. Leave this guy before its too late, and never EVER look back. He doesnt deserve you. And he sure as hell doesnt deserve for you to put your life on pause to "stop him from hurting himself" Only your boyfriend can make the decision to change his lifestyle from negative to poistive. Good luck sweetie.