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Struggling ....

Old 03-15-2012, 01:13 PM
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Struggling ....

Hello good people,

Well I guess recovery (for the non-alcoholic) is never going to be a straightfoward process, and to believe it would be would be naive to say the least. My poor SD is having a bad week. She asked me yesterday if I thought she was bipolar, because at school she keeps on breaking down in tears one minute, and then she's hyper. I told her I didn't think she was, but that as time goes on in the normal environment she's now in, it reiterates even more how abnormal her life was before, and that it's possible she's grieving for a life she could have had (with us) and didn't. I have asked her to discuss this with her counsellor, who she sees at school every Friday. But, we're on the lookout for any tell tale signs of depression.

I just feel for her, so bad. Her mother continues to let her down and I really am wondering if it would just be best to stop contact altogether, until such time as mum can pull her finger out and actually be a mum. She did come to see SD last weekend, after 6 weeks, but only visited for just over an hour. She promised to arrive before lunch, but apparently (and we don't believe her) got on the wrong bus and ended up somewhere completely different. She finally arrived mid afternoon, and after an hour and a half instructed SD to call us to be picked up as she 'had to go'. We collected SD, and then went shopping and as we were driving home, 45 minutes later, saw SD's mum sat at the bus stop!!!! SD said 'why's she still there? She could have spent more time with me but I did get the impression she wanted to get rid of me'. We asked why she got that impression and SD said, 'put it this way, she was shaking so much that when we went into the cafe for coffee she actually made the table shake. Obviously she 'needs' a drink'.

SD also told us that she was talking to her mum about the holiday we have booked in August with friends, in Spain, and mum interupted her and said 'yeah, well, I'm taking your brother to Disney in the Summer', like she was trying to get one over on SD. Of course SD knows full well she won't be taking her brother to Disney, but it upset her all the same. She feels quite left out however, because her brother lives in the same town as mum (we're 20 miles away), she does see him more often than she sees SD, and she makes sure SD knows it. Why does she do that? Why does she make her feel so left out?

Mum has just got a contract mobile phone, which gives her unlimited minutes per month (her new 'boyfriend' got the contract for her as she's unable to have one in her name due to being blacklisted), but so far this week she hasn't phoned or text SD. It's Mother's Day in the UK this Sunday, and although we've reminded SD of it, she's yet to buy her mum a card, and if she doesn't and doesn't post it tomorrow, mum won't get it by Sunday. I'm not sure if we should force the issue, or just let SD forget (or ignore it, as that's what I think she's doing - after all, her mum is hardly a 'mother' is she?).

We hate this, we hate the way she seems to ignore this child, how she seems to punish her
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wicked (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 01:56 PM
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I just feel for her, so bad. Her mother continues to let her down and I really am wondering if it would just be best to stop contact altogether, until such time as mum can pull her finger out and actually be a mum.
If SD is willing I would stop contact all together.
It must be tortuous for your daughter to wait, and then have her watch her bio mom struggle to survive a couple of hours without booze. Shaking the table is not good.

Let your daughter do Mother's Day her way. Maybe ask her once what SHE wants to do.
NikNok, she is your daughter (for all intents), and as long as she knows she can come to you, this lessens her pain and discomfort.

It sounds like her bio mom is regressing even further back. Like a ten year old.
Thank you for being there for her.
Love her (I know you do) and be as honest as you can.

I am grateful for my sobriety today.

Beth
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Old 03-15-2012, 03:30 PM
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Thank you. She won't see her mum on Mothers Day because she can't go there (order of Court) and her mum won't visit her because there are no buses on Sundays. She knows she can buy her mum a card, but hasn't done and if she doesn't buy one tomorrow & post it, mum won't get it. We won't mention it again because she may feel she doesn't want to acknowledge her mum on Mothers Day, and that is her choice, and is understandable.

We always said that if contact became too unhealthy for SD we would stop it. Think that time is here.
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Old 03-15-2012, 03:47 PM
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Yes, I think that time is here too.
Beth

PS
I am sorry for miss spelling your name. I keep wanting to call you NikNok.
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Old 03-15-2012, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Yes, I think that time is here too.
Beth

PS
I am sorry for miss spelling your name. I keep wanting to call you NikNok.
That's okay Beth. Just call me Nikki. And thank you again.
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