Family of H will not communicate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1
Family of H will not communicate
This is my first post here and I'm hoping I can get some advice.
A little background information about me first. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have a wonderful 15 month old daughter. When I met my husband 10 years ago, we both liked to party. There were some times that his drinking would get out of hand (ex: driving, a DUI, binge drinking), but it was nothing I was conserned with at the time.
After we were married, things seemed to get worse. Husband was laid off from his job, we suffered 2 miscarriages, and bought a house - these issues seemed to escalate his drinking. He received another DUI and went to court, lost his license....I thought that would be his rock bottom. Boy was I wrong.
Last summer is when it got real bad. His drinking just got worse on the weekends. One day he came back from a trip and he was drunk. He completley denied drinking and was very angry. Long story short, he got into a fist fight with his father. His mom was there as well with our two nephews and our daughter.
After this happend, I left with the baby and stayed with my parents for a week and half before returning home. During this time he checked into an out patient rehab facility. I participated in going to Family nights and he successfully completed his 3 months there. I am happy to say that he has been sober 7 months and continues to attend regualr AA meetings. The problem is he wants to reconcile with his parents for what happened. They never came to rehab for family counseling even though they were invited. They won't answer phone calls, texts or emails from him. When our daughter turned one, we had a birthday party for her and his mom, dad, brother and two nephews did not show up. They even dropped off Christmas gifts for our daughter to my neighbor's house cause the did not want to interact with him/us.
I have tried to me the middle man in all this and I can't do it anymore. They ar accepting of an apology, however each time he has tried they shot him down. How much longer should he do this? We haven't talked to them in 3 months. Other family members on his side still keep in contact, but its so awkward now. I don't know how to manage a realtionship with them, if they do not want a realationship with him.
Sorry this is so long.
A little background information about me first. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have a wonderful 15 month old daughter. When I met my husband 10 years ago, we both liked to party. There were some times that his drinking would get out of hand (ex: driving, a DUI, binge drinking), but it was nothing I was conserned with at the time.
After we were married, things seemed to get worse. Husband was laid off from his job, we suffered 2 miscarriages, and bought a house - these issues seemed to escalate his drinking. He received another DUI and went to court, lost his license....I thought that would be his rock bottom. Boy was I wrong.
Last summer is when it got real bad. His drinking just got worse on the weekends. One day he came back from a trip and he was drunk. He completley denied drinking and was very angry. Long story short, he got into a fist fight with his father. His mom was there as well with our two nephews and our daughter.
After this happend, I left with the baby and stayed with my parents for a week and half before returning home. During this time he checked into an out patient rehab facility. I participated in going to Family nights and he successfully completed his 3 months there. I am happy to say that he has been sober 7 months and continues to attend regualr AA meetings. The problem is he wants to reconcile with his parents for what happened. They never came to rehab for family counseling even though they were invited. They won't answer phone calls, texts or emails from him. When our daughter turned one, we had a birthday party for her and his mom, dad, brother and two nephews did not show up. They even dropped off Christmas gifts for our daughter to my neighbor's house cause the did not want to interact with him/us.
I have tried to me the middle man in all this and I can't do it anymore. They ar accepting of an apology, however each time he has tried they shot him down. How much longer should he do this? We haven't talked to them in 3 months. Other family members on his side still keep in contact, but its so awkward now. I don't know how to manage a realtionship with them, if they do not want a realationship with him.
Sorry this is so long.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
It's not your place to be the middle man. Id suggest that your huband write a long, heartfelt letter of apology that also mentions how important it is to you both to have them in your lives. Then you let it go and allow them to make their decisions.
I have a RAH and an alcoholic sister. I have no contact with her because she is too stressful for me. I'm sorry if that hurts her (I really am) but my priority lies with my huband and son.
I have a RAH and an alcoholic sister. I have no contact with her because she is too stressful for me. I'm sorry if that hurts her (I really am) but my priority lies with my huband and son.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Yes I think a letter is the best idea, setting out all the issues and the way he has dealt with them. I agree it isn't your place to be the middle man, but If you wanted to write a letter yourself also, I think it might help you to feel that have done all you possibly can.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Congratulations to your husband on seven months of sobriety. He's lucky to have someone like you to support him. But, it isn't up to you to manage your husband's relationship with his parents. That's his job whether he succeeds or fails at it.
The fact that they sent gifts to their grandchildren says to me that they may be able to forgive him over time. They haven't broken all ties. If your father's parents are not alcoholics themselves or have little experience with alcoholism, they may not understand what's really been going on with their son. He's embarrassed and humiliated them.
A lot of men my age (and probably your in-laws age) think it's manly to be to hold your liquor. They passed that myth on to their children. They don't realize the tolerance they are so proud of is one symptom of early stage alcoholism.
If I were you, I'd plan some fun things to do with your husband and kids. Make his favorite dinner. Have a movie night. Go to the zoo. Love your hubby but, let him manage his recovery. It's time for him to grow up. Let him.
The fact that they sent gifts to their grandchildren says to me that they may be able to forgive him over time. They haven't broken all ties. If your father's parents are not alcoholics themselves or have little experience with alcoholism, they may not understand what's really been going on with their son. He's embarrassed and humiliated them.
A lot of men my age (and probably your in-laws age) think it's manly to be to hold your liquor. They passed that myth on to their children. They don't realize the tolerance they are so proud of is one symptom of early stage alcoholism.
If I were you, I'd plan some fun things to do with your husband and kids. Make his favorite dinner. Have a movie night. Go to the zoo. Love your hubby but, let him manage his recovery. It's time for him to grow up. Let him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. This is a wonderful resource of information and support.
When I first arrived here, I learned about a wonderful subject dealing with alcoholism/addiction - it's called the 3 C's and they are:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It helped me to let go of the outcomes of my AH's (alcoholic husband) consequences for his drunken behavior. It also helped me to understand that I was not going to be able fix his behavior.
Your husband is in early sobriety. The family has been effected by his past behavior. Sometimes the best way to apologize for past mistakes is to keep showing growth and change. Give them time to see sincere changes and they may be willing to accept his amends.
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. This is a wonderful resource of information and support.
When I first arrived here, I learned about a wonderful subject dealing with alcoholism/addiction - it's called the 3 C's and they are:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It helped me to let go of the outcomes of my AH's (alcoholic husband) consequences for his drunken behavior. It also helped me to understand that I was not going to be able fix his behavior.
Your husband is in early sobriety. The family has been effected by his past behavior. Sometimes the best way to apologize for past mistakes is to keep showing growth and change. Give them time to see sincere changes and they may be willing to accept his amends.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
