Blogs


Notices

Thoughts?

Old 03-15-2012, 09:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Thoughts?

My R(?)ABF is still miles and miles away, geographically. He moved 1500 miles away last June after I let him know we couldn't live with his drinking at home. He moved out of state to dry out. He has not gone to any kind of meeting or any other recovery program.

In the past few months, he has seemed like he's been improving. He's stepped out of his selfish brain and has had some good things happening for himself as far as health and wellness.

We planned for him to move back this month.

That is, until three weeks ago.

He did not like it that I was in court for my child's child support hearing. No, I know that my son will probably not ever collect the child support that is owed to him, but I feel it is my duty to attend court when I'm subpoenaed. Anyway, R(?)ABF *yelled* at me over the phone about this, hung up on me, and then did not contact me at all for over a week. It was then that I called him.

I had asked him to contact me more often the closer we got to his move-back date so we could 'reconnect'. He thought that was a stupid request, since we've known each other for over 10 years. He has not contacted me much at all. Less than most of my 'friends' on Facebook. He has not offered to help me financially with my home (that he says is his home) while I struggle as a working single mom and being a full time student. But he has offered his criticism if he thinks I'm doing something wrong. Bread at the hardware store?

My heart just isn't in this any more.

The problem is my child, who has identified R(?)ABF as a father way more than the bio-dad. My child has had hopes and dreams of us reuniting as a family. He mentions it almost daily.

I haven't made any decisions or anything. Help me think this through.
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
theuncertainty (03-15-2012), Tuffgirl (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 09:48 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
Sounds a bit like absence made the heart grow fonder, but scratch the surface and there's still an alcoholic underneath.

The thing is, skipper, its highly likely he will be the same person, sans alcohol, if he hasn't done anything other than stop drinking. The same old stinkin thinkin and wacked coping skills will be there because he hasn't done anything to learn new skills and perspectives on dealing with life and the world. I would be concerned too, knowing he has been in a relatively stress free environment for a long time now, and planning to reenter yours with all its stresses and complications.

You are wise to consider this now, instead of putting the blinders back on until its too late. Go with your instincts. If its not the right time yet, that's ok. You'll know, just be sure to listen to yourself and trust in your judgement.
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (03-15-2012), lillamy (03-15-2012), Mavis1 (03-15-2012), skippernlilg (03-15-2012), StarCat (03-16-2012), theuncertainty (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 10:01 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
my first thought is NOBODY has the right to dictate ANYTHING regarding how i raise my child or what actions i take to assure their well being (unless i am making a complete mess of things and the child's welfare is at sake, of course!). that he DARED to yell at you because you went to court on your child's behalf would shut things down right then and there, in my book. that he has taken no steps towards self-improvement, considers your request for a little more talk time as "stupid" and has not offered up one single dime towards the household he thinks he is returning to sounds to ME like a jerk with serious entitlement issues.

what you see is what you get.......do you really want THIS?
I agree with you 100%.

I think my questioning involves my 11 year old son. any thoughts about that?
skippernlilg is offline  
Old 03-15-2012, 10:07 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
well....when you demonstrated concern FOR your son, what was HIS reaction? what does he really have to offer as a male role model in your child's life??? with love and support your boy can get thru anything, including heart ache and disappointment. i for one don't think letting the 11 year old call the shots is the wisest move.........???
Please forgive me if my post didn't ask correctly or lead you to believe my 11 year old wears the pants in this family...LOL. My questions are more how to help him handle the loss and disappointment if I decide to walk completely away from the only man he's known as a father.

REmember, his bio-dad has abandoned EVERY responsibility to my boy already. He's been abandoned enough.
skippernlilg is offline  
Old 03-15-2012, 10:09 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
My thoughts are more about my son, who's 11. He will be 12 in a few months. I see the tender age that a boy needs a male in his life. My brother in law is not a good example. Big Brothers and Big Sisters has failed in getting us the support he needs. Our church has been pretty good...

I've been diving into a lot of other activities for him so he doesn't notice as much. But he does mention it every single day. I've been 'hinting' to him that life offers no guarantees, etc....but what more.....
skippernlilg is offline  
Old 03-15-2012, 10:14 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I agree with you again. Not trying to find him a Dad at all!! Just making sure I'm not messing up more where I've already messed up. Make sense?
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
theuncertainty (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 10:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Ideally, all children are raised with stable, supportive role models of both genders. Unfortunately, most of us don't grow up in an ideal world. As parents, all we can do is the best we can. I can totally relate to your concerns as I had the same concerns when I divorced my childrens' father. Therapy helped both my children immensely, but I think especially my son, who was 10 at the time of the divorce.

The other thing worth considering is this--what if you let this man back in out of concern for your child, and then end up splitting again? In that case you've doubled the heartbreak. Better for him to go through it once than twice...

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
theuncertainty (03-15-2012), Tuffgirl (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 11:13 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
I agree with LTD - be very cautious. What if you encouraged a relationship with the BF outside of your relationship you have with the BF? If you think he is a good influence on your son, that is? Would it be possible that way?

It's a hard decision to make - having been in the same situation as you - so prayers to you today.
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
skippernlilg (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 11:21 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Your son will benefit far more from a mom who lives a happy life solo than from a mom who lives an unhappy life with an alcoholic who is not in any kind of recovery. Don't get back together for your son. Do it for YOU. There are other ways to have male influence in his life. You want GOOD male influence, not a dry (or not) drunk.

Your 12 year old will transition into teen years and see things much differently as he goes through various phases of growing. What he sees now as his dad figure may change. I have seen this with my own kids ages 18, 17, 14 and 11. The 11 year old still idolizes my AH, but the older ones are seeing him in a far different light now that they are in their teen years. His alcoholic behavior has been truly damaging to them, even when he's sober.
SoaringSpirits is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SoaringSpirits For This Useful Post:
Mavis1 (03-15-2012), skippernlilg (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 11:22 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I agree with LTD - be very cautious. What if you encouraged a relationship with the BF outside of your relationship you have with the BF? If you think he is a good influence on your son, that is? Would it be possible that way?

It's a hard decision to make - having been in the same situation as you - so prayers to you today.
Tuffgirl, do you mind sharing your story as to how it relates here, and then let me know what did work and what didn't work? I'd really appreciate it.
skippernlilg is offline  
Old 03-15-2012, 11:35 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
Sure - short summary: I let my girls and their step Dad, my RAH, determine their own relationship and only watched from the periphery. Now, that said, he is 16 months sober and in AA, and we remain married although we still live separately.

My thinking was that the girls (at the time, 13 and 17) needed to decide what they were comfortable with and my RAH needed to decide what his priorities were as well. And I realized I was being controlling with it all - trying to "manage" everything when it really was none of my business. When I stepped out of the way, he has been able to take more of a lead and they have been much more receptive and have a good relationship with him on their own terms and he remains a good influence on them.

My RAH and I get along GREAT living separately. Having separate finances. Separate time schedules. We still have conflict, but the space has been so incredibly beneficial for both our recoveries that I have no regrets for making the choices I made. Maybe doing things incrementally here is a good option for you too. Having the BF move back to town, only to his own place and taking it slow. And encouraging him to have a relationship with your son on terms that work for both of them and one that is outside of your relationship with him.

When my time is right to have a "family" again in the traditional sense, I will know it. And I am in no rush as right now, taking it all slow works great for me, my girls, and my RAH.
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
skippernlilg (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 05:58 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Have I told you lately how much all of you have helped me during these past 18 months?!!! WOW!! It may seem simple from the outside of this, but it was tough to figure out on the inside. And now it makes sense to me.

I have and will give ourselves lots of time. My son and I are doing really well, and I am so thankful for that.
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
Tuffgirl (03-15-2012)
Old 03-15-2012, 06:07 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
Your son will benefit far more from a mom who lives a happy life solo than from a mom who lives an unhappy life with an alcoholic who is not in any kind of recovery. Don't get back together for your son. Do it for YOU. There are other ways to have male influence in his life. You want GOOD male influence, not a dry (or not) drunk.
That's the conclusion I finally came to also. My AXH was my children's father -- and the thought of taking away their father was a big one to struggle with.

But they're right of course. And you've sounded so good in his absence, skipper... Not trying to make decisions for you, but you sound like you want someone to give you permission to say "NO" to the whole idea of him moving back.

You have that permission -- you can give it to yourself, should you need it.
lillamy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
skippernlilg (03-15-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:58 AM.