wonderwall2

Today was an exceptionally rough day for me. Because of the mistakes I made i went to jail today, was in there for over 15 hours. I made the mistake of not calling my ah today, instead i called family and a friend. I am so embarrassed by my financial immaturatity. I went in about 6am and got out about 930a. i was sooo scared to call him and let him know about because in all honesty i am scared ******** of losing him as i have done before, mostly because of depression and other women. When I got out tonight, I finally talked to him. His daughters birthday is tomorrow and he asked me to be there tomorrow morning to make sure that i was there to put on an act that everything was ok to make sure she could have a good birthday. but then after the birthday party i was to pack and leave. I always told myself that he will change and if i just keep believing in him then he will change. I told him to that comment that i didn't know if i could do it be out there for that. Because i love them soo much that i cannot bear to look into them eyes and know that its the last time i get to see them, i can't i have done it before and can't do it again. This morning when this all went down, i was already upset, he drank last night came in about midnight woke me up and told me that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend, the one who broke his heart, and i once again had to pick up the pieces for. Even when he was trying to be her friend, i still stuck around and believed it. I am completely at fault for the things i did, but why is it that whenever he is down in the dump im always there, but when i'm down, its never him. A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about starting a life together and now we aren't going to be together because of my faults and because of other people. I'm not in a good place right now, i'm really not, my anxiety is running very high right nowand don't know if i'm going to be able to sleep. I need help and feel very alone. please help and let me know if i'm doing the right thing. I'm not his ex wife although my actions seem to be far from it. But who knows me better than i do?

EnglishGarden

First of all, start taking slow deep breaths.

Breathe in very slowly and deep, release slowly. Do this 5 times. When the anxiety mounts, do this.

The problem is alcohol. It is the problem, dear. Not you. It is alcohol at the core of all the destruction you describe, and your relationship with an alcoholic has caused your emotional illness, your feeling you are to blame for all that is happening.

This is exactly what happens to any person involved with an alcoholic or drug addict. You may not believe this, may not understand it, but it is always what happens.

It is played out again and again: the addict uses people like objects instead of respecting them as human beings, the addict inflates and puffs himself up like a little god, the addict criticizes his partner with sometimes the most hateful language imaginable, the addict often cheats on his partner and then when he gets tired of the new woman he comes back with sorries and talks the rejected woman into taking him back, then he betrays her and lies to her again, and he keeps drinking, abusing, lying, rejecting, promising and breaking promises......

This is called, in recovery literature, "The Merry-Go-Round of Addiction."


You are traumatized now, by your upsetting jail experience this morning, certainly, but more deeply and profoundly by being in relationship with an alcoholic.

You did nothing that made you deserve that abuse. The only unfortunate thing you have done is have so little belief in your own goodness that you have forgotten what real love looks like and that you should be treated with decency and kindness. You have forgotten that a relationship should not feel like fear all the time.

You were not placed on this earth to be hurt like this. You are sacred. You are important.

The problem in the relationship is alcohol. It has triggered your codependency (when we become dependent on the addict and lose who we are we are codependent).

Keep breathing deeply. Ask the God of your understanding to protect you and to help you get well.

In your town there will be Al-Anon groups which meet for an hour. There are people in these groups who will be able to help you. Google "Al-Anon" and the name of your state and you'll find a group.Go. Just listen. You will not feel so very alone anymore.

Go to a meeting instead of the birthday party. It will be the first step in a better life for you.

wicked

wonderwall,

I read your post three times. I am more confused than the first time.
Who knows you better than you? I don't know the answer to that, but I am an recovering alcoholic, I will be glad to listen to you.

Jail huh? Okay, you are not there now, what can you do now?
What is the right thing you are asking about?
If you are so anxious you cant sleep, can you read? watch tv? sit in the tub? drink calming tea? do crosswords? read medical texts? or history..that used to knock me out fast.

I hope you come back and talk some more wonderwalls.

Beth

Magichappens

I am a very anxious person by nature. Alcoholism seems to magnify that anxiety by about 200%. I thought that I could fix the alcoholic, fix myself, and someday make everything right and everybody happy. It took me crashing and burning quite a few times to realize that I couldn't help the alcoholic, because when I did that, I neglected myself. I got crazy, anxious, and depressed. The best thing I ever did was join Al-anon. I found out that I wasn't alone, and that there was a way to feel better. What surprised me the most was that I could get better whether the alcoholic got sober or not.

I have been married to Mr. Magic for 22 years. Some years were better than others. What I had to see was that I needed to find out who I was, and just be that person. All the people pleasing, ranting, crying, begging, and acting out never changed him one bit. Finding my own recovery had an impact on our relationship, and to some extent Mr. Magic seemed to improve.

Living with and loving an alcoholic continues to be a challenging journey. I am not always serene and practicing recovery. I go off the beam occasionally. The great thing is that I have a network of people that care about me and understand the shame, anger, and fear that I feel when I am struggling.

Whether you stay with this alcoholic or not, it sounds like you could use some understanding people that know the place you are in and have some ideas about how to take better care of yourself. This forum is a good start. If you can get up the courage, check out an "in-person" support meeting, such as Al-anon. It has given me a lot of hope, friendship, and purpose over the years. Hugs, Magic

painterman

Thank you EnglishGarden, your post helped me today, I have been feeling anxious and depressed-it seems to come in waves, then the slightest little task seems difficult. Sometimes it's not easy to just 'pull yourself together' and function normally-I think rest and recuperation are so important-your posts are full of suppoert for the person we need to value-ourselves.

justjo

Hi Wonderwall

You said, if you just keep believing in him, he might change.
When I started believing in myself, thats when things changed for me. You know what, I just want to give you a big hug right now if I could. Try believing in you, just you and sometimes I think things happen for a reason. Leaving might just be it.
Sincerely JJ

ODAT63

Wonderwall2,
sorry about your experience, maybe god is doing for you what you can not do for yourself (leave him), my XAH left me and today I can see just that, and I am very grateful to my HP for getting me out of that mess.
I can trully say today I am so much better off without him.