judgement from family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
judgement from family.
Hi Everyone. This is my first post. I suppose I will start with a little background info...
I have been with my SO for a year and a half. I'm 27, he's 29. Our relationship moved very fast, and we got engaged after a year. We are very happy together and both have great, stable jobs. He has struggled with his addiction since he was 17. He has been through treatment, lived in a halfway house, and done AA. His sobriety is on and off. In September, he finally started seeking mental health treatment. He meets regularly with his therapist, takes his meds, and goes to his AA meetings. I couldn't be prouder of him. We have open communication about his drinking and I feel that we have a very healthy non co-dependent relationship. Although he is not sober right now, I know that he's doing what he needs to do.
My family, however, is a different story. Today I received an e-mail from my mother stating that his drinking shows a lack of commitment to me and our relationship and that we should postpone the wedding until he's sober. Apparently her and my sister talk at length about this. When I confided in my best friend, she too agreed that his drinking shows he doesn't care about the relationship.
It's upsetting because it took me a long time to realize that, no, his drinking has nothing to do with me our his commitment to me. It has to do with things going on inside of him. I essentially told my mother that his sobriety and progress towards sobriety is not her business and I am a mature adult who is capable of making decisions about her own relationship. She later agreed and apologized. It's hard to know that my loved ones will probably never seem my fiance as I do- someone other than his addiction.
Anyways, there is my story. I guess I'm not looking for advice. I just wanted to share and hopefully there are people out there who have similar experiences.
I have been with my SO for a year and a half. I'm 27, he's 29. Our relationship moved very fast, and we got engaged after a year. We are very happy together and both have great, stable jobs. He has struggled with his addiction since he was 17. He has been through treatment, lived in a halfway house, and done AA. His sobriety is on and off. In September, he finally started seeking mental health treatment. He meets regularly with his therapist, takes his meds, and goes to his AA meetings. I couldn't be prouder of him. We have open communication about his drinking and I feel that we have a very healthy non co-dependent relationship. Although he is not sober right now, I know that he's doing what he needs to do.
My family, however, is a different story. Today I received an e-mail from my mother stating that his drinking shows a lack of commitment to me and our relationship and that we should postpone the wedding until he's sober. Apparently her and my sister talk at length about this. When I confided in my best friend, she too agreed that his drinking shows he doesn't care about the relationship.
It's upsetting because it took me a long time to realize that, no, his drinking has nothing to do with me our his commitment to me. It has to do with things going on inside of him. I essentially told my mother that his sobriety and progress towards sobriety is not her business and I am a mature adult who is capable of making decisions about her own relationship. She later agreed and apologized. It's hard to know that my loved ones will probably never seem my fiance as I do- someone other than his addiction.
Anyways, there is my story. I guess I'm not looking for advice. I just wanted to share and hopefully there are people out there who have similar experiences.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
this is very hard.....the problem i always see with this is, alcoholism is a disease, it does EFFECT everyone and it only gets WORSE in time...i am scared for you...and so is your family...come out strong by saying so too..but just about the same, as i am saying here...i am scared for you....
first things first....AL ANON...ever been? time to start a meeting...awesome wisdoms there in those four walls as HERE in SR with my many friends...
i have never been in your place...but all i can say is read, read all the literature and all the stickies and educate yourself about this crazy disease...
my story is i was not engaged with my A/NA but it was for 4 months of choatic HE77...and than god, he left me...and did not take me HOSTAGE....
HIS recovery, is just that, HIS....
everyone in your family would benefit with AL ANON...not only you...
my friends here will say more on their experiences...
first things first....AL ANON...ever been? time to start a meeting...awesome wisdoms there in those four walls as HERE in SR with my many friends...
i have never been in your place...but all i can say is read, read all the literature and all the stickies and educate yourself about this crazy disease...
my story is i was not engaged with my A/NA but it was for 4 months of choatic HE77...and than god, he left me...and did not take me HOSTAGE....
HIS recovery, is just that, HIS....
everyone in your family would benefit with AL ANON...not only you...
my friends here will say more on their experiences...
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
(((devildoll))) I feel for you, I really do. I admire your standing up for yourself with your family. You're right that HIS recovery is not their, or anybody else's business. It's great that you are able to see him as a person and not just as his addiction.
However, having said that...I wonder if you realize that this disease is progressive. You say his sobriety is on and off, yet you are very happy together. A year and a half is not that long. Twenty nine is not that old. Have you thought about what things might be like five or ten years from now if his sobriety is more OFF than ON? Have you thought about what it might be like when the disease progresses to a point that makes life unbearable for you? Or bringing children into that situation? Maybe none of that will happen, maybe he will get and stay sober. None of us has a crystal ball, we can't know what the future holds. But I strongly urge you to think about these possibilities. Alanon is a good place to start. This forum is a good place too. I hope you will take the time to read some of the other posts and replies here. Wishing the best for both of you.
However, having said that...I wonder if you realize that this disease is progressive. You say his sobriety is on and off, yet you are very happy together. A year and a half is not that long. Twenty nine is not that old. Have you thought about what things might be like five or ten years from now if his sobriety is more OFF than ON? Have you thought about what it might be like when the disease progresses to a point that makes life unbearable for you? Or bringing children into that situation? Maybe none of that will happen, maybe he will get and stay sober. None of us has a crystal ball, we can't know what the future holds. But I strongly urge you to think about these possibilities. Alanon is a good place to start. This forum is a good place too. I hope you will take the time to read some of the other posts and replies here. Wishing the best for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Here is something I found in these forums that I thought was golden. If only I had read it before I married my alcoholic. It is in no way meant to be "advice" to you, as I don't know anything about your relationship. I just found that it stuck a chord of truth I wished I'd considered before marriage. I hope it is helpful to you in some way, as it was for me:
Healthy, real love is: Warm, safe, peaceful, true, supportive and loyal. It creates togetherness, commitment, teamwork and support. It contains integrity, feelings of knowing and being at peace, and easy trust, and it adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.
Unhealthy, false love is: unstable and dramatic with big highs and lows. It creates separations, misunderstandings, and lack of team-work and support. It contains misinformation, unknown quantities, and feelings of confusions, anxiety and distrust. It creates instability, confusion and pain within your everyday life experience.
Instant Relationships The following is what instant relationships are all about.
They happen quickly, they happen powerfully, and they happen with very little mindfulness…
And the other person may not be anywhere near where you are in their own beliefs and expectations about this being THE Relationship…or they may…
Relationships that start healthily are not ‘pot luck’. Yes ‘love at first sight’ can and does happen for people. And the people it does happen to are usually young, have not had past relationship baggage, and have healthy belief systems, boundaries, and have received solid and empowering parental relationship programming, and are therefore naturally attracted to healthy partner prospects.
These lucky people simply do not have to go through the lessons of evolution and self-healing which people who struggle in relationships are destined to do.
If you do not have this ‘lucky criteria’, stay away from the belief that you are going to ‘hit pay-dirt’ in an instant attraction. You do in fact have more chance of winning first division in lotto.
The fact is, because you have unhealed love programs within yourself going on, you will only instantly attract (and be attracted to) the perfect person to bring you enough pain to make these unhealed parts conscious enough for you to heal… and the chances of him being your life partner are incredibly slim, because that is not his purpose if you chose his as an Instant Relationship.
If you are conscious and healed enough you would not have to go through the healing lesson (pain) of this relationship. And the reason is because you’d apply mindfulness and take your time, see the ‘cracks’ and not get involved regardless of the level of chemical/ physical attraction you feel.
It’s easy to understand (and humbly admit) if we weren’t at a level of healthiness within ourself yet, when we decided to go for and stay in this relationship.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit there were things that weren’t right that showed up early. Early on in the ‘loved up stage’ together, he was arrogant to a waitress, or he stated how angry he was that ex-wife played up on him, or you saw him oogling a woman in the restaurant when you walked back from the toilet…
Yet you ignore the signs because the decision He Is The One was already made.
We wanted to believe that finally The One that we have been waiting for all of our life has come into our world, so we live the illusion, despite any warning signs, or lack of information about this person’s character, past , or values and choices in life, and we steam ahead at full throttle towards the inevitable disaster coming up in the future.
As time progressed things worsen. The relationship suffers problems. All of a sudden, the connection feels missing, he doesn’t seem as attentive, or in love, or he starts being harsh, critical or even abusive. The dream is now under stress, and is not shaping up the way you believed it was meant to be.
The fear of losing The One Who Has Finally Arrived To Make My Life Complete and The Dream of My Incredible Life I Am Destined To Have With Him is triggered powerfully. The shattering of the illusion is not an option when we believe there is no other option than, we have to make it work with ‘The One’.
We think , “I’ll probably never meet anyone I love so much again – look how long it took for this man to enter my life…”
Boy those pulls of pain, intense longing and the fear of loss are powerful…
And of course, when we don’t know better, they feel like ‘love’.
Whereas, in truth these are feelings of addiction, co-dependency, obsession, and incredibly unhealthy love that was never formed on a healthy platform or foundation to start with…
If you believe “love conquers all.” look around you at the real life evidence that exists everywhere (as well as your own painful experiences) and ask yourself How on earth can I believe that myth? And: Is me wanting desperately to believe that myth serving me?
Healthy, real love is: Warm, safe, peaceful, true, supportive and loyal. It creates togetherness, commitment, teamwork and support. It contains integrity, feelings of knowing and being at peace, and easy trust, and it adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.
Unhealthy, false love is: unstable and dramatic with big highs and lows. It creates separations, misunderstandings, and lack of team-work and support. It contains misinformation, unknown quantities, and feelings of confusions, anxiety and distrust. It creates instability, confusion and pain within your everyday life experience.
Instant Relationships The following is what instant relationships are all about.
They happen quickly, they happen powerfully, and they happen with very little mindfulness…
And the other person may not be anywhere near where you are in their own beliefs and expectations about this being THE Relationship…or they may…
Relationships that start healthily are not ‘pot luck’. Yes ‘love at first sight’ can and does happen for people. And the people it does happen to are usually young, have not had past relationship baggage, and have healthy belief systems, boundaries, and have received solid and empowering parental relationship programming, and are therefore naturally attracted to healthy partner prospects.
These lucky people simply do not have to go through the lessons of evolution and self-healing which people who struggle in relationships are destined to do.
If you do not have this ‘lucky criteria’, stay away from the belief that you are going to ‘hit pay-dirt’ in an instant attraction. You do in fact have more chance of winning first division in lotto.
The fact is, because you have unhealed love programs within yourself going on, you will only instantly attract (and be attracted to) the perfect person to bring you enough pain to make these unhealed parts conscious enough for you to heal… and the chances of him being your life partner are incredibly slim, because that is not his purpose if you chose his as an Instant Relationship.
If you are conscious and healed enough you would not have to go through the healing lesson (pain) of this relationship. And the reason is because you’d apply mindfulness and take your time, see the ‘cracks’ and not get involved regardless of the level of chemical/ physical attraction you feel.
It’s easy to understand (and humbly admit) if we weren’t at a level of healthiness within ourself yet, when we decided to go for and stay in this relationship.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit there were things that weren’t right that showed up early. Early on in the ‘loved up stage’ together, he was arrogant to a waitress, or he stated how angry he was that ex-wife played up on him, or you saw him oogling a woman in the restaurant when you walked back from the toilet…
Yet you ignore the signs because the decision He Is The One was already made.
We wanted to believe that finally The One that we have been waiting for all of our life has come into our world, so we live the illusion, despite any warning signs, or lack of information about this person’s character, past , or values and choices in life, and we steam ahead at full throttle towards the inevitable disaster coming up in the future.
As time progressed things worsen. The relationship suffers problems. All of a sudden, the connection feels missing, he doesn’t seem as attentive, or in love, or he starts being harsh, critical or even abusive. The dream is now under stress, and is not shaping up the way you believed it was meant to be.
The fear of losing The One Who Has Finally Arrived To Make My Life Complete and The Dream of My Incredible Life I Am Destined To Have With Him is triggered powerfully. The shattering of the illusion is not an option when we believe there is no other option than, we have to make it work with ‘The One’.
We think , “I’ll probably never meet anyone I love so much again – look how long it took for this man to enter my life…”
Boy those pulls of pain, intense longing and the fear of loss are powerful…
And of course, when we don’t know better, they feel like ‘love’.
Whereas, in truth these are feelings of addiction, co-dependency, obsession, and incredibly unhealthy love that was never formed on a healthy platform or foundation to start with…
If you believe “love conquers all.” look around you at the real life evidence that exists everywhere (as well as your own painful experiences) and ask yourself How on earth can I believe that myth? And: Is me wanting desperately to believe that myth serving me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
I have been very hesitant to attend Al-Anon as I am an athiest and reading through the 12-steps puts me off a bit. I do have my own therapist that I meet with regularly. I was hoping to start here and gain some insight and maybe find a support group other than al-anon (or perhaps positive experiences with al-anon from other athiests)
I do understand that its progressive. And I also subscribe to the idea that we cannot predict the future- both of us have talked at length about it (our future.) I've told him my love is unconditional but my staying in the relationship is not and that ultimately I have to look out for me. So, I guess what I'm saying is- I've made my decision to go into this marriage knowing what I know and hoping for the best. My family's support is not mandatory, but always appreciated.
I do understand that its progressive. And I also subscribe to the idea that we cannot predict the future- both of us have talked at length about it (our future.) I've told him my love is unconditional but my staying in the relationship is not and that ultimately I have to look out for me. So, I guess what I'm saying is- I've made my decision to go into this marriage knowing what I know and hoping for the best. My family's support is not mandatory, but always appreciated.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
You have to do whatever you feel is right. You aren't the first person to come here with this situation. Whatever we say is the truth, as we have no reason whatsoever to lie to you. Some of the posters went ahead with the marriage only to show up here in a year or so saying they wish they had listened to us more closely. Others just disappeared and we have no idea what their lives are like. Some even decided to postpone the wedding and allow their addict to get the help they need. Most end up feeling very relieved that they didn't go ahead and marry their addict.
Even if you think you know what you are getting into, you really don't have a clue. I hope you will take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. Many stories there will open your eyes to what years with an alcoholic will do to you. If you insist on marrying this guy, I truly hope you will hold off on having any children with him for a long time. Bringing a child into a home with active addiction is a most heartless thing to do.
Welcome to SR.
Even if you think you know what you are getting into, you really don't have a clue. I hope you will take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. Many stories there will open your eyes to what years with an alcoholic will do to you. If you insist on marrying this guy, I truly hope you will hold off on having any children with him for a long time. Bringing a child into a home with active addiction is a most heartless thing to do.
Welcome to SR.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi devildoll. Welcome! People have given me advice all my life. Especially my family. LOL! The problem is that I have never been able to march to the beat of someone else's drummer. I could never follow religion. I couldn't be what society and my family wanted me to be. My family still thinks I am crazy for sticking with my alcoholic husband for over 20 years. Has it been rough? At times. There were times I thought I was either going to kill him, or kill myself. That was before Al-anon.
I am not an atheist, but I don't believe in traditional religions either. I was an agnostic when I came to Al-anon. I will say that there are some in Al-anon who do believe in traditional religious ideas. They have that right. What I found in getting involved in Al-anon was the freedom to find something that worked for me. Because I don't understand how Al-anon makes me better, I can accept that there may be forces in the universe that I don't see. When Al-anon speaks of God, that is what I relate it to. I would tell you that you can do the same thing. Try Al-anon with the idea that you don't have to believe in what everyone else believes in. Just believe that there is a healing power from the groups that can give you the strength, peace and sanity to handle whatever you need to handle. For me, the benefits of the literature and the fellowship outweigh the differences I have with individual members and their ideas about how I should perceive God. I personally don't care that they believe in one, and I don't see how it's anybody's business what I believe in. I just know that Al-anon isn't the same as religion, and I can take what I need, and let the rest go. Good luck, and Hugs! Magic
I am not an atheist, but I don't believe in traditional religions either. I was an agnostic when I came to Al-anon. I will say that there are some in Al-anon who do believe in traditional religious ideas. They have that right. What I found in getting involved in Al-anon was the freedom to find something that worked for me. Because I don't understand how Al-anon makes me better, I can accept that there may be forces in the universe that I don't see. When Al-anon speaks of God, that is what I relate it to. I would tell you that you can do the same thing. Try Al-anon with the idea that you don't have to believe in what everyone else believes in. Just believe that there is a healing power from the groups that can give you the strength, peace and sanity to handle whatever you need to handle. For me, the benefits of the literature and the fellowship outweigh the differences I have with individual members and their ideas about how I should perceive God. I personally don't care that they believe in one, and I don't see how it's anybody's business what I believe in. I just know that Al-anon isn't the same as religion, and I can take what I need, and let the rest go. Good luck, and Hugs! Magic
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I dunno, you sound pretty rock solid to me. You know it's his problem, not yours. You understand it's progressive. And this
is is righteous if you ask me.
Some folks will be "triggered," by your story and worried about you and express that. They've been to Hell and back (proverbially speaking of course considering there is no hell
and want to help prevent that from happening to you.
Al-anon can be challenging for atheists, or folks who aren't Christian like me, but the concepts of powerlessness over alcohol and focusing on ourselves and our own recover are life savers.
And as far as your mother goes, I read "judgment from family, " and laughed out loud. I think scientists have it wrong, judgment from family is the building blocks of life, not cells.
Welcome!
I've told him my love is unconditional but my staying in the relationship is not and that ultimately I have to look out for me.
Some folks will be "triggered," by your story and worried about you and express that. They've been to Hell and back (proverbially speaking of course considering there is no hell
and want to help prevent that from happening to you.Al-anon can be challenging for atheists, or folks who aren't Christian like me, but the concepts of powerlessness over alcohol and focusing on ourselves and our own recover are life savers.
And as far as your mother goes, I read "judgment from family, " and laughed out loud. I think scientists have it wrong, judgment from family is the building blocks of life, not cells.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR! I can't add much else to the wonderful posts already here.
Read everything you can on alcoholism/addictions before you get married. Know what you are getting yourself into and how it is a life long disease.
Take good care,
~T
Read everything you can on alcoholism/addictions before you get married. Know what you are getting yourself into and how it is a life long disease.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Here and everywhere recovery related, you will hear over and over again that alcoholics will not get help until they are ready and there's nothing anyone can do before then.
I think the same holds true for friends and family. We will make excuses and rationalize behavior until we are ready/equipped to see and face the truth. We discount what other people with experience say because our situation is "different" than everyone else's.
Eventually, and I didn't realize this for years, all alcoholics will get worse and worse until they quit or die. It's hard to picture yourself suffering like many here do, but then one day you are right there.
I've stayed with my RAH and we have a happy life now, but to get here we both endured years of stress and heartache and it was HARD. As a mother, were my child about to embark on a similar path I couldn't live with myself if I didn't warn him against it. No one wants to see their child embarking on a painful path.
My advice is to think hard and don't rush. If he quits, and he works a program, and he is committed to a lifetime of complete sobriety, and you are well informed, then commit your life to him.
I think the same holds true for friends and family. We will make excuses and rationalize behavior until we are ready/equipped to see and face the truth. We discount what other people with experience say because our situation is "different" than everyone else's.
Eventually, and I didn't realize this for years, all alcoholics will get worse and worse until they quit or die. It's hard to picture yourself suffering like many here do, but then one day you are right there.
I've stayed with my RAH and we have a happy life now, but to get here we both endured years of stress and heartache and it was HARD. As a mother, were my child about to embark on a similar path I couldn't live with myself if I didn't warn him against it. No one wants to see their child embarking on a painful path.
My advice is to think hard and don't rush. If he quits, and he works a program, and he is committed to a lifetime of complete sobriety, and you are well informed, then commit your life to him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
I know exactly how you feel…maybe my story will help you because it sounds similar. I meet my now axbf When I was 22, he was 27. The world was ours, we feel in love INSTANTLY.. he was the “perfect man”. I had never loved another like that, my family fell in love with him and my family was like WOW you got a keeper for sure. He was a strong christen man, in the academy to be a firefighter, his own place EXTREMLY good looking, my family was impressed! Fast forward 6 years and my family now HATES THIS MAN. They begged and pleaded me to leave him. In between that 6 years he was in and out of rehab for alcohol and pills, sober one day, drunk another…sober for 2 years then fell off another day. REALLY HARD HIGHS of love and REALLY HARD LOWS of love.
Bottom line is, we just broke up 2 months ago because it came down to a lot of things. YES fight for the person you love, like I did for 6 years. But remember, your family is always looking out what is best for you and they have unconditional love. I hated when my parents told me to leave him, I screamed at them and said I love him and he would change and I cant imagine my life without him, but I got to that point I HAD NO FIGHT left in me because I shouldn’t have to fight that hard for someone you love. If you love them and it is they way its suppose to be, your family wouldn’t butt in right? I mean think about it, if you had a daughter and she told you “mom I love this man, I want to raise kids with him and share our life but….he is unpredictable with drugs and alcohol. Yes he may leave the kids somewhere because he “forgot” or he may pass out while giving the kids a bath but I LOVE HIM SO MUCH”
I finally had to wise up to this, my parents were the ones to open my eyes because LOVE IS BLIND. Trust me, I was blind as a bat and still am. I am still addicted to my ahxb, I miss him every single day! Yeah he cried and told me to give him another chance, and another one and another one and another one. While I ball on the floor crying my eyes out right now still wondering if I fought for him and not my own life after 6 wonderful and tearful years together …you know where he is right now? Living it up, out drinking and parting with his new girlfriend he says he feel in love with, 1 week after we broke up. I AM STILL fighting for my strength and he is out like it didn’t matter. If you would of asked me, do you think he would not care and move on so quick 6 years from now RIGHT AFTER you broke up, I would of told you WHEN PIS FLY…well, he is and it hurts like hell. “The person who puts the most into the addict relationship, is the one who suffers the most”
I am still crying even almost 3 months later....
Bottom line is, we just broke up 2 months ago because it came down to a lot of things. YES fight for the person you love, like I did for 6 years. But remember, your family is always looking out what is best for you and they have unconditional love. I hated when my parents told me to leave him, I screamed at them and said I love him and he would change and I cant imagine my life without him, but I got to that point I HAD NO FIGHT left in me because I shouldn’t have to fight that hard for someone you love. If you love them and it is they way its suppose to be, your family wouldn’t butt in right? I mean think about it, if you had a daughter and she told you “mom I love this man, I want to raise kids with him and share our life but….he is unpredictable with drugs and alcohol. Yes he may leave the kids somewhere because he “forgot” or he may pass out while giving the kids a bath but I LOVE HIM SO MUCH”
I finally had to wise up to this, my parents were the ones to open my eyes because LOVE IS BLIND. Trust me, I was blind as a bat and still am. I am still addicted to my ahxb, I miss him every single day! Yeah he cried and told me to give him another chance, and another one and another one and another one. While I ball on the floor crying my eyes out right now still wondering if I fought for him and not my own life after 6 wonderful and tearful years together …you know where he is right now? Living it up, out drinking and parting with his new girlfriend he says he feel in love with, 1 week after we broke up. I AM STILL fighting for my strength and he is out like it didn’t matter. If you would of asked me, do you think he would not care and move on so quick 6 years from now RIGHT AFTER you broke up, I would of told you WHEN PIS FLY…well, he is and it hurts like hell. “The person who puts the most into the addict relationship, is the one who suffers the most”
I am still crying even almost 3 months later....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Alcoholism is progressive. You are engaged to an active alcoholic. Your mother is justifiably concerned.
Perhaps you could slow things down and delay marriage for a few years and see what transpires. In the grand scheme of things, if you two are truly meant to have a life together, it is not a long wait. Over time, watch his actions. Meantime, I suggest you attend Al Anon as a means of understanding alcoholism and how you can best care for yourself. Educate yourself about it. A good book to start with is "Under The Influence" by Milam. It's kind of the nuts and bolts of alcoholism and how it works.
If you do marry now, consider delaying having children so that you can see how things shape up. Alcoholism is progressive. Your fiancee is starting with many disadvantages. Perhaps he will be one who will really put it all together, get sober, live a sober life. Perhaps not. Don't bring children into this mix until you have a good idea which way he will go.
Perhaps you could slow things down and delay marriage for a few years and see what transpires. In the grand scheme of things, if you two are truly meant to have a life together, it is not a long wait. Over time, watch his actions. Meantime, I suggest you attend Al Anon as a means of understanding alcoholism and how you can best care for yourself. Educate yourself about it. A good book to start with is "Under The Influence" by Milam. It's kind of the nuts and bolts of alcoholism and how it works.
If you do marry now, consider delaying having children so that you can see how things shape up. Alcoholism is progressive. Your fiancee is starting with many disadvantages. Perhaps he will be one who will really put it all together, get sober, live a sober life. Perhaps not. Don't bring children into this mix until you have a good idea which way he will go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: gator country
Posts: 19
When you get married your husband should be put first. Your husband should put his wife first. When your married to a alcoholic your never going to be first. His next drink and how much he's drinking is going to be his first priority. Just my 2 cents.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
POSTED BY Magichappens: *I am not an atheist, but I don't believe in traditional religions either. I was an agnostic when I came to Al-anon. I will say that there are some in Al-anon who do believe in traditional religious ideas. They have that right. What I found in getting involved in Al-anon was the freedom to find something that worked for me. Because I don't understand how Al-anon makes me better, I can accept that there may be forces in the universe that I don't see. When Al-anon speaks of God, that is what I relate it to. I would tell you that you can do the same thing. Try Al-anon with the idea that you don't have to believe in what everyone else believes in. Just believe that there is a healing power from the groups that can give you the strength, peace and sanity to handle whatever you need to handle. For me, the benefits of the literature and the fellowship outweigh the differences I have with individual members and their ideas about how I should perceive God. I personally don't care that they believe in one, and I don't see how it's anybody's business what I believe in. I just know that Al-anon isn't the same as religion, and I can take what I need, and let the rest go.*
AMEN!...good words where written here...i wanted to say all that...but did not know HOW...thank you!!
AMEN!...good words where written here...i wanted to say all that...but did not know HOW...thank you!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
But remember, your family is always looking out what is best for you and they have unconditional love
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know what I did?
My parents were outraged when I got engaged. They asked me if I had lost my everloving mind.
I got so mad I decided to prove to them that it was a very good idea indeed to not only get engaged to but also marry and have children with this man, thank you very much. I was a responsible adult and could make my own decisions.
And 22 years later, I have an AXH and three children with PTSD and am doing much better than I was for the 20 years I was married to him.
That's MY story. NOT yours.
But here's the thing: If you ARE going to marry this guy -- make sure you do it with your eyes open, and make sure you DON'T do it just to prove to your family how wrong they were.
My parents were outraged when I got engaged. They asked me if I had lost my everloving mind.
I got so mad I decided to prove to them that it was a very good idea indeed to not only get engaged to but also marry and have children with this man, thank you very much. I was a responsible adult and could make my own decisions.
And 22 years later, I have an AXH and three children with PTSD and am doing much better than I was for the 20 years I was married to him.
That's MY story. NOT yours.
But here's the thing: If you ARE going to marry this guy -- make sure you do it with your eyes open, and make sure you DON'T do it just to prove to your family how wrong they were.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is one of the most important things I've ever read here...
Originally Posted by suki44883 
If you insist on marrying this guy, I truly hope you will hold off on having any children with him for a long time. Bringing a child into a home with active addiction is a most heartless thing to do.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
My husband was a very functional alcoholic when we married. Good job, hard worker, came home and renovated a home by night.
Ten years later the drinking had increased. He began to spend so much money drinking he had trouble paying half the bills. We lived a very modest lifestyle, and he made double what I did.
One day, we argued about his drinking. He said, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like the answer."
By the end he had lost three jobs in six years. He had become one of those people who carefully applied for jobs he wouldn't get so he could continue to get unemployment, sit home and drink. Any work done around the house had to be redone two, three, four times because he was barely able to function, let alone do anything accurately.
During one of his unemployed periods, the only thing I asked of him was that the dishes be done and the counters cleared, so when I came home from work, I could start supper. Over eighteen months, it never happened. Each night I came home, dirty dishes from dinner the night before, breakfast and lunch, covered the kitchen. Each night, I ran hot water into the sink, squirted in detergent, and started the dishes. Each night, he staggered into the kitchen, and asked what was for supper. Looked at me. Slurred, "I'sgonnadothat. I'll do it." I'd ask, "Now? Because I need to start supper. And I can't start it with the kitchen a mess." He either wasn't willing to do it then, or in his state it would take him an hour to wash dishes two people used in one day.
He injured himself while drunk, the injury became infected, and he had to go to a wound clinic each week to have it treated. Meanwhile, the unemployment wasn't buying enough beer, so he started withdrawing from his IRA and telling the manager of the account it was for medical expenses for his wound treatment. He probably took out $36,000 over three years. I know none of it went to the treatment clinic because he put the charges on his credit card.
I'm afraid to think what the tax penalties would have been for his fraudulent use of the funds.
And good luck with his social and emotional development. Most addicts stop maturing when they become addicted. The discrepancy isn't that great now, but when DH is still acting like a 17-year-old at fifty, it's apt to be a bit embarrassing at times.
Ten years later the drinking had increased. He began to spend so much money drinking he had trouble paying half the bills. We lived a very modest lifestyle, and he made double what I did.
One day, we argued about his drinking. He said, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like the answer."
By the end he had lost three jobs in six years. He had become one of those people who carefully applied for jobs he wouldn't get so he could continue to get unemployment, sit home and drink. Any work done around the house had to be redone two, three, four times because he was barely able to function, let alone do anything accurately.
During one of his unemployed periods, the only thing I asked of him was that the dishes be done and the counters cleared, so when I came home from work, I could start supper. Over eighteen months, it never happened. Each night I came home, dirty dishes from dinner the night before, breakfast and lunch, covered the kitchen. Each night, I ran hot water into the sink, squirted in detergent, and started the dishes. Each night, he staggered into the kitchen, and asked what was for supper. Looked at me. Slurred, "I'sgonnadothat. I'll do it." I'd ask, "Now? Because I need to start supper. And I can't start it with the kitchen a mess." He either wasn't willing to do it then, or in his state it would take him an hour to wash dishes two people used in one day.
He injured himself while drunk, the injury became infected, and he had to go to a wound clinic each week to have it treated. Meanwhile, the unemployment wasn't buying enough beer, so he started withdrawing from his IRA and telling the manager of the account it was for medical expenses for his wound treatment. He probably took out $36,000 over three years. I know none of it went to the treatment clinic because he put the charges on his credit card.
I'm afraid to think what the tax penalties would have been for his fraudulent use of the funds.
And good luck with his social and emotional development. Most addicts stop maturing when they become addicted. The discrepancy isn't that great now, but when DH is still acting like a 17-year-old at fifty, it's apt to be a bit embarrassing at times.
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