Alcoholic ex boyfriend back in picture - advice please
 

My alcoholic ex-boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me when he entered rehab a year ago. He said he needed time to focus on recovery and couldn't handle a relationship. I was devastated but knew deep down it was for the best because I'd endured a lot of emotional abuse and hardship with him. It was like I couldn't bring myself to be the one to end it.

He relapsed after rehab and returned to rehab again. He is now sober 6 months. Four weeks ago, he told me he wants to get back together and told me that he's changed. He still lives with his parents. He's working part time now and trying to rebuild his career and life. But he hasn't been to an AA meeting in 10 days, and he hasn't been vigilant about taking all of his medications regularly. We have already started bickering, and he has insulted me several times in a matter of four weeks.

Writing this -- it seems ridiculous that I'm still even considering allowing him back in my life. Yet something keeps me stuck and I guess I need some advice/support/encouragement to let go? I love him deeply, but I don't think our relationship is healthy. I'm terrified he will eventually relapse...or relapse after we've gotten married, had children, etc. I'm still recovering from the $10,000 of debt he put me in when he was drinking.

I just needed to get this off my chest to people who understand what this life is like.

Is he helping to repay that debt? If not what's changed?

Your friend,

No, he is too busy paying back his parents..to whom he owes $70,000 for rehab.

The only things that have changed: He's sober for 6 months, the longest period ever since he was a teenager. He is going to AA and has a sponsor when before he was against it. But for the most part, he treats me the same as he always did.

So why are you even interested in talking to him again let alone getting back together?

Your friend,

Extended key highlights:

• Ex boyfriend
• Sober 6 months
• At 5 months sober, asked you for second chance
• Lives with parents
• Works part-time
• In debt
• Hasn't been to AA in 10 days
• Does not take meds regularly
• Has insulted you (all the while asking for another chance)
• Treats you the same as before

So, um, if your girlfriend said "Oh wow Tigerlilly, someone's come back in my life. Here are the highlights" and read you that list, wouldn't you b*tchslap some sense into her?

NO

if i remember correctly...is a complete sentence...

You are just craving the addict as you are addicted to him as ecstasy alcohol.

Ask yourself what is it that I miss so much about him and want to experience?

I have twinges after going NC for one month. I ask my self what about him am I craving that is real and not part of his manipulation?

Answer NOTHING

I had to look within and ask myself why? What was I hoping to accomplish by accepting unacceptable behavior - again?!

In my case, I believe it was ego.
I wanted to believe I could handle myself better next time. Put those boundaries in place and take action was my thinking. I became aware, accepted the truth and took a healthy step away.

Then I tried a relationship with a new guy.
Lots of control issues with him.
Again, my ego tried to tell my sane self that we could handle ourselves in this situation, too. Had to check myself before I wrecked myself once again.

I'm getting better at recognizing my ego's willingness to accept an unhealthy challenge in some relationships. This awareness gives me the power to accept: I don't need to prove myself in challenging personal relationships anymore.

Today, I prefer less challenge in my personal relationships.

Here's some reality for you...

doesn't sound like he is at all serious about recovery.
He could relapse - that is a big possibility, that is what alcoholics do sometimes.
Your financial woes if you do get married and have to take full responsibilty for say a mortgage, credit cards or if he gets dui/accidents etc. HUGE you'll think 10k is a drop in the bucket.
the emotional trauma gets so much worse, if it's bad now will only get worse.
run don't walk away from this man. you want to but your heart says stay, I know and your situation was very similiar to mine and I took him back and he was the worst ever after I let him back home, quit his job, went to jail for dui for 2 years, and in the end he died from this disease and if I had not have divorced him would have been responsible for thousands of dollars in hospital ICU end of life costs, and credit cards and other stuff. SO go ahead and trust your first GUT feeling and that was to NOT take him back...you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Love yourself FIRST, take care of YOU. I feel for you, this is so hard when your heart is involved..get your mind wrapped around it, don' tmake this mistake...please..

I agree with this wholeheartedly! Ever time my exAB and I got back together I just kept telling myself I simply needed to hold my boundaries better, not take him so seriously, change my attitude and perceptions...basically make myself stronger around him so I could "deal" with him.

For what though??? I had to make myself impervious to his crap in order to be around him. It's impossible to be detached and totally loving to someone at the same time. So, I spent most of our relationship flip flopping between being detached so what he did couldn't hurt me and being loving so I could share those very RARE moments when he wasn't drinking or smoking pot and his real self came through.

Too much work for so little payout.

Sorry but you'll regret hooking up with an alcoholic again. It takes many years for recovering alcoholics to really change. What he says today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Good luck!

He obviously doesn't have time for a relationship with all the debt he needs to pay off.

Let you mind focus on how beautiful everything is looking right now with Spring coming and who knows what wonderful possibilities are coming your way.

Hugs, Tigerlily. It's possible that I shouldn't be responding yet; I feel rather emotionally charged about your post.... Please stop and wait. Before you make any commitment to give it another chance with him, wait and see. Watch his actions, don't just listen to his words.

I left XAH once when DS was a baby. I left when his treatment of me and DS was 'just' emotional abuse and intimidation. He told me he was going to AA... he said so many things I WANTED to hear. I thought it was all related: his alcoholism and his abusive behavior. I thought that once he stopped drinking, he'd be better. I believed him when he said he was seeking help. I didn't *see* what he was doing while he was mouthing those words. When I went back to XAH, it changed, all right. It got worse.

The thing is, alcoholism and abusive behavior are two separate issues. Even IF he is addressing the alcoholism, it doesn't mean he will no longer be emotionally abusive. And just like alcoholism, abuse escalates.

Take care.

Tigerlilly, I 2 know what u are going through. I relized I was addicted to the addict. Look on the forums under my post on how to overcome your addiction to the addict and there are alot of great advice that people gave me.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-addict.html

I really empathise with you. I lived with an alcoholic for four years and was seeing him on and off for a further three years.

I kept thinking he was trying to give up, had given up etc and that he would eventually stop drinking for good. Without the alcohol, we would have been reasonably well suited.

We have many of the same interests and he is very funny and non-conformist. I find that refreshing.

But I have given up hope that he will stop now and wasted a lot of time. Ultimately he was and is a liar, I think alcoholics are very good at persuading people they aren't drinking when they are.

In short, and on the basis of my experiences (and seven years that basically comprised him getting sober, then drunk, then lying and treating me badly and being unreliable, then saying sorry and sobering up, then getting drunk again etc) I think relationships with alcoholics or ex-alcoholics are nightmarish.

My ex was a financial drain too. And I found even when he was sober he expected money from others. He was dependent on other people for money just as he had been dependent on alcohol. I am not sure this attitude to money changes with sobriety. It sounds like your ex-boyfriend might be similar.

I lost my job and my mum while we were together but his problems were always more important than mine.

Five months sober is not very long. And wouldn't it be nice to meet someone without those problems. My experience has been that they don't go away.

Your ex will always be fighting the addiction and likely has other problems too (low self esteem, unstructured life, broken relationships, poor work history, maybe physical and mental damage) and these will always be your problems (on top of your own - and you don't know what you might have to deal with in future).

I think it is very likely that he will be a liability.

That he will not be able to support you. At least if you are on your own you can use your resources to help and support yourself my alcoholic ex left me with no resources for myself at all. And you'll probably meet someone nice anyway.

:rotfxko

Lord, just for today, give me the strength to NOT b#tchslap those who so desperately needth one so.

Amen.

And THANKS for asking!

Now borrow my Biggest Hammer and drop it on your toe -- that way you will what pain is and where it is coming from.

Hang in there. You do not need this any more than an Alkie needs a drink.