justrae83

I dont miss that. I just miss him as a person. I guess i have alot of things going aginst me. 6 years of putting my ENTIRE heart into it, turning co-dependent, losing my best friend, starting over, driving myself insanse, him moving on to someone else withen 1 week after we split up and telling me he is going to marry her and raise her 4 children...jeliousy, rage, regret, broken heart.... I HAVE IT ALL.

nodaybut2day

You did not abandon him. You PROTECTED yourself after being on a rollercoaster for months on end. It was a normal reaction. What, just because an alcoholic goes to rehab and finds recovery, his friends and family have to forget the past and throw rose petals in his path as he walks out? He did what needed to be done, as a grown man should, and you, as a cautious partner, did not instantly take him back or run to his side because you'd been burned.

And do you honestly believe that if you'd "been there for him", holding his hand while he was in rehab, staying by his side afterwards, that it would have somehow prevented the subsequent relapse? If you answer yes, then it's because you still entertain the notion that you somehow have an influence on him and his choices. Try to remember that you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it and you can't control it.


Let's play the tape all the way through here. What if he did return your calls? What then? You'd apologize (again). And then what? What do you think would happen? Would your words somehow change the situation? Would your apology make him come back to you? Or are you seeking closure from him if he were simply to accept your apology?

The reality of the situation is that you may never get closure from him; you may well have to give yourself closure because that is the only place you will get it from. Another reality: he has asked you not to contact him anymore, yet you insist on slamming your head into the wall repeately and remain deaf to his request. There's not even a pretense of trying to help him here; he doesn't want you in his life, and that, just like drinking again, is entirely his choice. You simply cannot *make* him do anything.

And as for him controlling it...that's just a facade. He's white-knuckling it with the help of his new enabler. Eventually, as it always does, the facade will crumble.

Since you mentioned it, I would strongly recommend individual counselling, if that's an option for you. After my separation, I attended Al-Anon, hung out on SR a lot and went to a counsellor for several months. I also consulted a few social workers who really helped me clear things up in my head.

m1k3

I know how that feels, I left after 36 years of marriage. 8 months after I left she was dating again.

Luckily I have been working a program the whole time since leaving and I am in a much better place. I no longer need someone else to complete me, I am enough just as I am.

Your friend,

nodaybut2day

And you have every right to feel ALL of that. Heck, who wouldn't?!

Now, how about a few good kickboxing classes to make use of all the angst? You punch, kick and shout "HA!" till there's nothing left, cry a whole lot at the end of the class, and go to bed exhausted (ok and you get some nice pipes after a while). Worked for me...

m1k3

nodaybut2day, I'm 58, overweight and I'm now running 3 to 4 miles a day. Exercise is a great way to deal with this. Not only does it burn off all of the negative stuff but the self esteem jump is awesome.

Your somewhat thinner friend,

wicked

Please consider this seriously justrae.
He has not changed, and if he is drinking again, pretty soon he will be comparing his new gf to you "damn, you are just as much a nag as my last girlfriend."
Just my experience. Please choose therapy over learning the hard way.
Like marrying two men who abused and or were addicted like I did.

Beth

justrae83

Sigh. Ok so I am started to read MORE AND MORE AND MOER of these forums and I am def starting to see a pattern here ha ha The addict is completely unpredictable and off there rockers. I just told everyone my ex said I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN and that he loves another women and blah blah blha, haven’t heard from him in awhile….

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I get a text (really really long) about how he just got back from visiting family and put his grandpa in a home and That he is super depressed and if I could pray he would appreciate it. But, that he only texted me cuz of family issues but to remember no contact after that final text he sent me, his new GF wouldn’t like it. Um ok…. Did he even think for one second how that would effect me?

Yeah, I am now starting to see that whole they are selfish and only think of themselves and starting to understand the dodged a bullet thing lol

wicked

As a recovering alcoholic, I can almost assure you he was not thinking of you.
He wants to make sure to keep you, (who he thinks he still has) away from his family or the new gf in case they get to talking to each other.

He had no idea in this world how much it hurt you. But I do. And I am very sorry.

I wish I was there to give you a big ole hug.

:ghug3 :ghug3 :ghug3

Beth

choublak

Raise her 4 children.

Read that over again.

Where is/are the father/s of these four kids?

He meets this girl within a week and decides he wants to be involved in baby daddy drama? That's dysfunctional!

I've said it before: this will not end well.

justrae83

From what he told me in the past when he told me about her....the father is stalking her and she dumped him from abuse...YEAH REAL HEALTHY. He also told me when he told me about it all that the baby mama drama is worth it cuz she is is soul mate. Sigh... assface! I lvoe that, cuz I WASNT worth fighting for, but a women he meet and feel in love with in weeks...is. I am REALLY starting to see the REAL MAN he is, not the fantasy man i once thought i had.

fourmaggie

I know I made some great decisions in my life...

1)went to al anon
2)come to SR everyday...
3)read all about the path of a healthy relationship with ME
4)i take time out for me, regularly, everyday
5)got me a SPONSOR
6)went to many meetings in a day i could

realized in my 1st month of doing this...i was a WORTHY person of any good RELATIONSHIPs ... because? i said so....

one day at a time...and patience

Zoenob

I am so very sorry for your pain. I understand how gut wrenching this is for you. I feel your pain and just know you are not alone. I am very addicted to my axbf too.

I am new here as well so I hope I don't offend you because I am just learning myself.

I always wonder if it would be easier or less painful to think if he had simply broken up with you and left you for someone else? I try to think of it that way sometimes instead of thinking if he weren't drinking we would be fine. It seems easier to let go when I tell myself we just simply broke up.

When I dwell on him and that "he is acting this way because he is an addict", it does me no good. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants to snap me out of it. I tell myself get over it, he broke up with you, yes he is an alcoholic but that doesn't mean he is just confused. Maybe my A really doesn't want to be with me and I am making an excuse that he really does he just doesn't know it because he is an alcoholic.

Wow, I just had a breakthrough for myself. I'm done thinking about my albatross(well for the moment anyway).

wicked

Hers's some hugs for you Zoenob

:ghug3 :ghug3 :ghug3

And albatross is an excellent description of my ex. Wow, he weighed alot.

Beth

Zoenob

I know it must seem very unreal and like a kick in the gut that he wants to talk about his "new girlfriend" with you("the ex girlfriend") like y'all are just buddies. He doesn't get that you aren't the ex per se, that you are still in this relationship and it hurts like hell for him to want to hear and gab about his "new girlfriend". Mine did this too. Wth? How completely rude, hurtful, and shockingly egotistical to think we want to talk about the other woman. No compassion, it was cruel and evil when mine actually thought I wanted to hear about his problems with her. Really?

You can get through this. Just keep working on yourself. This has been a great place for me. I have been lurking and reading for 6 months and it has helped me when I too when I felt suicidal. It will get better even if you just take it baby steps at a time.

Zoenob

Thank you so much Wicked! You just made me cry and it feels so good!

choublak

Why do they do that though?

Zoenob

I don't know Choublak. Are they so completely self-absorbed or Do they think we are so enabling and pathetic that we will give them sympathy and help them fix this crap too? Yea, I'm really gonna give him relationship advice with the other women. Amazing.

blackandblue

Be patient with yourself and breathe deeply as your wound is fresh. I can empathize with all of your feelings. Feel them. Be aware of them. Name them and then watch them pass. They will pass. Whatever the details may be the feelings will pass and new feelings will come. Give them time and space to breathe.

Right now, I hear so many emotions in your words that are expressions of grief and abandonment. You are here for a reason. He came into your life for reasons that are unknown at the moment. Your feelings are real but they are not unique as you will come to learn in this forum, in support groups, and in therapy. We all share these feelings with you and we all are on a similar path to finding peace and liberation from this devastating disease.

The part that you do not miss about him is part of who he really is as a person. Falling in love with someone's potential or who we thought they were or what we imagine they are is dangerous territory. It is okay to love him at a distance and begin the process of detachment with love. This takes support and work and patience and time and forgiveness.

I fell in love with a heroin addict who also has issues with pot and alcohol. He has been off of heroin for one year but is cross-addicted to pot and beer. He thinks he can moderate this and cannot see he has only changed the face of the addiction. I think he just relapsed and fortunately I have a lot of distance between us and all of the support I have has made me stronger to face the inevitable nature of the chronic progressive nature of his disease. What I did was make it so that his disease was no longer mine. Instead I admitted that my life was insane and unmanageable and then began to take steps toward my recovery.

Love is not throwing yourself in front of a train that he is driving straight at you. Your ex is in denial. He cannot moderate his drinking and does not sound serious about recovery. I feel sorry for his new hostage because it is only a matter of time until it backfires on both of them. You have the ability to set yourself free and be open to the possibility of your life again. His poor decisions would continue to bring you down if you enabled them.

I have been spinning my wheels for the last couple of years hanging on to threads of hope I have come to let go of one by one. Hope is addictive. Anything is addictive when it becomes part of the destructive path. Yes you can hope yourself to death. But today, I have hope for me again. I still keep him in my prayers but he is no longer my focus. His addiction is his problem. My addiction to him is my problem.

I am so sorry for your pain and having to see him in another relationship so quickly. Jumping from relationship to relationship is part of his addiction. It is so painful and I also dealt with lying, cheating, betrayal, abandonment,and emotional abuse. Him throwing this in your face is emotional abuse. It is a game.

There is a reason they say that we must detach with love. He is not in recovery. He is just masking his pain. You helped him by letting him go. Please do more research and reading in this forum and go to meetings and find a counselor. Find you again. This life is right here and now and you can't love anyone if you don't take care of yourself. My prayers are with you.

Threshold

You later go on to post asking does he have NO idea how his text affects you...

um...were you thinking of how YOUR texts might be affecting HIM when you repeatedly chose to contact him?

Just a thought.

I see many many many many times people who love addicts hand wringing over their addict insane, unpredictable, repeated, unhealthy behavior. And rightly so, but ignoring our own insane, unpredictable, repeated, unhealthy behavior isn't helping us either.

If we are not willing to change our behavior and/or thinking, why do we think they should? to make us more comfortable perhaps...is it our job to make THEM more comfortable?

relationships are two way streets, even if one person is an addict, they are not responsible for every element of the relationship.

I only post this because I have been there and done that too, and it was not until I recognized my own behavior and stopped that my pain began to ease. It is the same recognition and cessation that an addict must go through to stop the madness of their addiction.

It makes little sense for us to expect something of them that we are unwilling to do ourselves.

It is a bit like poking your finger at a rattlesnake and then crying when it bites you.

I am glad you are here getting the support you need.

naive

justrae-

i agree with everyone above. i'll add that in my experience, the reason that he won't talk to you or return your texts is because he does not want to upset his new girlfriend.

i would render a bet that if she wasn't around, that bloke would be calling you all the time.

and i would render second bet that when she discovers that he is an alcoholic and drug abuser, she might break up with him. and then he will be back knocking on your door, saying everything you want to hear.

so, in the meantime until his next appearance, it would be good to get to work on yourself so that you are strong and ready when he comes back into the picture.